leopardwrangling101

[leopardwrangling101]

What about setting intentions. You want things to change, you need to convince yourself that they can change, that they are changeable.

Intentions sometimes help with that.

Setting intentions is a balancing act, there’s an art to tricking the brain this way and it’s about time you tricked your brain with how often your brain tricks you.

Because your brain does. It tricks you into thinking bad things quite often, that you’re not enough or not important, or not as absolutely amazing as you actually are. So, time for some payback.

Intention setting basics

They have to be positive (the words No or not are to be avoided)

They have to be present tense (the brain gives a lot of push back to the future tense)

You have to believe it, feel it, really want to connect to the intention. (Don’t be wishy washy about it)

That last one is the hard one. So here’s a little help.

Get a bag of jelly beans or m&ms or gummy bears or whatever candy you like, it just has to come in different colors. If it comes in different colored wrappers that works too. If you don’t like or don’t or can’t eat candy, pick something you can or like to eat that comes in different colors, fruit, vegetables, or add a little food coloring to a glass of water, whatever it takes.

What color?

Here you have options. Colors have meanings. They have cultural meanings, social meanings, religious meanings, psychological meanings. They have personal meanings too.

So this is a double down on the believing the intention thing.

You pick something that is a color associated with the intention.

You can look up color meanings or you can assign them yourself.

You’re about to trick your brain, you are in control here.

If yellow makes you think of happy things and your intention is I wake up every morning an active participant in a happy life, you hit that with the yellow color and the taste of the yellow thing and you hit the brain with a triple tap…Happy Happy Happy

If pink makes you think of love and your intention is I love everything about myself, you hit that with the pink color and the taste of the pink thing and once again…triple tap….Love Love Love

Get the idea?

Give the brain some pay back. All those unhappy thoughts, those self destructive or defeating thoughts, those negative thoughts, those anxious thoughts - push back.

Set an intention, pick a color, and then feel it, see it, taste it and let your brain know you’re in charge for a minute.

You want another tap? Want to give the brain four signals instead of three? Wear some thing that color whenever you want to remind yourself of the intention.

Another? Getting a little greedy. But that’s okay. I feel you. Use the mindfulness exercise Notice. Set your brain to noticing the color, every time that color appears in your field of vision notice it. Just think to yourself a couple times, today I will notice (color) and then the focus will come in to place and you will spot the color all the time, and since you’ve tied that color to your intention, there’s the tap. Love, Peace, Happy, Joy, Content, whatever the feeling is, the intention, the thought that’s important to you, every single time.

Still more? Okay, one more. Think about your color and how it feels. Does it feel warm? Cold? Soft? Squishy? Find something that feels that way. Hit the brain with the thought, the sight, the taste, the repetition, and the touch.

Really? Not enough? Okay, okay. One more. What does that color sound like? Is there a song or a piece of music that makes you think about that color or that feeling that you associate with the color? Is there a shorter sound like a chime or a bird or a bug that makes a noise and you think of that emotion or feeling or color? Play it. Hit the brain with the thought, the sight, the taste, the repetition, the touch, and the sound. Overwhelm the brain with the feeling. Every sense that sends a note to the brain engaged.

Be positive about it, be present, and then feel it. Use every thing you can to help as needed.

A multicultural perspective on the meaning of colors: https://www.color-meanings.com/color-symbolism-different-cultures/

A magic perspective on color: https://www.colorsexplained.com/color-magic-meanings/

A resource on the psychology of color: https://www.colorpsychology.org/

[leopardwrangling101]

The hard self care…self care isn’t just hot baths, or a favorite dessert, or coloring to relieve stress…and I will tell you I find coloring books to relieve stress remarkably stressful, so self care isn’t a universal either.

Sometimes self care is doing the things you’ve been putting off that need to be done.

Self care is calling the doctor (for the first time or for the first time in a while) and setting up that appointment

Self care is finding the right therapist.

Self care is doing the dishes.

Self care is finishing that seemingly impossible project.

Self care is having those difficult conversations.

Self care is ending that relationship even though it’s painful.

Self care is setting up a budget.

Self care is finding a new job, a first job, a second job.

Self care is boundaries and being firm about them.

Self care is going to rehab.

Self care is getting up and doing the thing you know you need to do even when you don’t think you’ve had a minute of sleep.

Self care is drinking enough water, please drink more water.

Self care is self love and some love is tough love.

So, yes, set aside the time to use that face mask, but make the call, set up the appointment, consider your next steps, and drink a glass of water.

Self care is taking care of yourself…in all the ways your self needs care.

[leopardwrangling101]

What part of your life have you postponed?

What dream have you deferred?

What part of your soul have you denied for the sake of…practicality….?

What did you want to be when you grew up and it seemed like it would be ages before you were there?

When you had all the time in the world to become that _________________?

It’s not too late, you know.

You can make time to become The Who/What you always wanted to be.

You may not be exactly who/what you wanted.

You might be too tall to be a prima ballerina.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t dance.

You might be too late to be the first to _______________.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it for yourself for the first time.

Take a moment and think, really think, about what your survival process has put on hold.

Because you have survived.

You are still here.

Now it is a good time to determine who/what the you that is here wishes to be.

Good luck.

[leopardwrangling101]

It is hard to let go of things that no longer serve you.

It is hard to let go of people with whom you do not have a healthy relationship.

In fact it can hurt like hell.

You can try and fail multiple times before you realize there is nothing there to hold on to, and that is when you become fully aware you should have let go a long time ago.

So let go with love.

Thank whatever or whoever it was for the good things, the good times, the good feelings.

Forgive whatever or whoever it was for the not so good things, the not so good times, the not so good feelings.

And let it/them go.

You don’t need to do that in person. You don’t need to hash out everything. You don’t need to potentially put yourself in danger of acquiring new trauma or violence, or manipulation. You can thank and forgive just in your head and be finished.

Be strong.

Letting go of what and who no longer helps you means you open up space in your life for the things and the people who will help the you that you are becoming/have become as you move forward.

It also means those things you have let go of can be of use/used by someone else.

The people you have let go of, will find the people they need for where they are in their lives right now.

If every time you hang up the phone you wonder why you even picked up in the first place.

Let that person go.

If every time you see that thing, use that thing, spend time with/on that thing you feel like you wasted your time, energy, effort, money.

Let that thing go.

You do not need to hold on to everything and everyone forever.

You are not the same person you were when you first encountered that thing or first met that person.

Paths diverge.

There is nothing wrong with it.

It just happens.

Let go to give what you need the signal that it’s time to find you.

Let go to let them find what they need to find at this time too.

[leopardwrangling101]

How do you know when you’re actually getting better?

What is a tangible step towards recovering from trauma?

What is a good sign that you might have a longer run of better days?

Is there such a thing?

Does it really get better?

How long does it take?

Difficult easy questions.

No set answers.

No two people experience mental health issues the same.

No two people experience trauma the same, even if they shared the original traumatic experience.

So everyone’s recovery is different.

Everyone’s aha moment is different and comes at a different time.

Mine popped up this morning.

Yeah. This morning.

I found myself, standing in the shower, before sunrise, this morning thinking about letting my hair grow as long as possible.

This is huge for me.

PTSD, especially in women, often comes with this weird side effect of frequent and often extreme hair cuts.

Cut it, cut it short.

Maybe that gets picked up as some form of ancestral shaming or trauma, but for me this was a near constant trauma behavior. If my hair was longer than a few inches and the leopards started circling, it was time to cut it, undercut it, shave it.

I could control my hair even if I couldn’t control anything else.

It was part of the camouflage of not wanting people to get too close.

But with the pandemic, I couldn’t get a hair cut. Then when some things started mellowing out and you could get a hair cut again, it wasn’t a necessity, so I didn’t get it cut. I had too many other things I was dealing with, family issues, work issues, friend issues, etc.

My hair hasn’t been this long in decades.

Yes, lots of trauma, long journey.

But this morning when I was washing my hair, I wondered for the first time in a very very very long time, how long I could grow it out.

And that is when I knew, I could be getting better, processing my traumas, healing.

Everyone’s experience with trauma and mental health issues is different, so your epiphany could be and is likely to be completely different from mine.

But there is something, you might even have an inkling of what it is, that you do that is entirely connected to your trauma, your mental health issues, your anxiety, depression, general distress.

And when you find yourself facing the opposite of that thing, standing in the store pondering a brightly colored shirt when you haven’t managed a colored shirt in years, flipping through a magazine and thinking you could do that thing, or try that idea, when for years and years you haven’t been able to even think in that way…

Then you have your sign, that you’re getting there. Processing your trauma, getting better, preparing for a good run of better days.

It doesn’t mean switch is flipped and everything is all better.

It doesn’t mean that tomorrow you won’t be disassociating or unable to get out of bed or manage to fix yourself a snack.

It just means you’re peeking out of the chrysalis of your trauma, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, etc, and seeing how you can be the you that you are becoming in that great big world out there.

It doesn’t get better all at once. But if you are working on it, it does get better.

[leopardwrangling101]

Two am is a good time for small chores and hot cocoa.

I’ve posted before about those times when leopards wake you up and setting routines to try and re-sleep.

But sometimes, those routines don’t help.

These times there’s a different option.

Three small chores and a cup of cocoa.

SMALL CHORES

Not the big stuff. Not the clean the whole living area. Small ones.

Empty the dishwasher

Clean dishes in the sink.

Take out trash

Clean a mirror

Throw out that thing that has needed to be thrown out for three months

Collect a paper bag full of donation clothes

Clean litter box

Assemble recycling

Things that can be done in five minutes.

Pick three.

As you start chore three, microwave a cup of water.

When the last chore is done, stir in your preferred water based cocoa.

Drink the cocoa.

Brush your teeth.

Go back to bed.

Deep breaths, in for three, out for six. About half a dozen times.

The little successes of completing your three chores will give you a good feelings spark and the cocoa will give those good feelings an extra boost. Brushing your teeth tells your brain it’s time to think about sleep. Deep breaths increases your oxygenation and helps calm the body.

Rest. Sleep if you can. It’s going to be okay.

[leopardwrangling101]

There are days that I request that Alexa flips a coin so I can determine whether or not I want to eat.

This is the joy of trauma induced executive dysfunction.

All the plans in the world don’t help when your brain is not helping you maintain basic functionality.

So, I flip a coin to determine if I want to eat.

Heads, I eat.

A snack, usually, nothing big or heavy.

Some raw vegetables or fruit.

A cookie.

Tails, I ask again in an hour.

During that hour I try to figure out if there is something else I can do and drink some water.

Sometimes I can read part of a book or a story.

Sometimes I can watch a documentary.

Sometimes all I can do is sit, drink some water and wait to ask if a coin flip will sort out if I should eat.

I tell you this so you know that it is okay if you need to flip a coin to determine if you should or want to eat a single cookie and that is all you’ve eaten all day.

One step at a time.

One coin flip at a time.

It is hard to rely on the adage that it gets better when you are mired down in the in between times where things that should be long gone from your leap of leopards, leopards that were gone last week or last year even, but decided to drop in.

It will all be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

So flip a coin. You might need a cookie.

[leopardwrangling101]

So, this is going to be one of those posts that likely has either an algorithm or an actual person sending me a note asking if I’m okay.

So let’s be clear.

I’m not okay.

There, no one needs to check, the answer is front and center.

I have a good list of things that have happened recently, but despite how important those things are, there is a larger world out there that is spiraling downwards in the proverbial basket.

War.

Insanity.

Mass shootings.

The Supreme Court going off the rails on some utterly bizarre agenda to erode the entire concepts of autonomy, security, sovereignty, and privacy. I hope RBG haunts them with a stern expression that makes them realize they should be reconsidering life choices.

I haven’t posted for a while because I haven’t been able to figure out a way to use any of the tools in my leopard wrangling arsenal to respond to this last situation, nor have I been able to come up with one that I think could help someone else in this situation.

Why?

Because my government doesn’t care if I live or die.

So why should I?

According to my government I have an ever decreasing value to the greater society.

And for this reason, protected rights should be removed from me and anyone like me.

So, if I legitimately have less value today than I had yesterday and I already felt pretty worthless, that is not going to mean I am in a good headspace.

Let’s be clear.

This is hard to come back up from when it slaps you across the face.

Rights I protested for, argued for, begged for, prayed for, marched for, signed petitions for, donated money for, voted to elect supporters of, read up on, researched, wrote about, explained to other people, yelled into the void about…are increasingly tenuous.

The more tenuous they become the more I don’t matter to my government.

I’m too tired to be as angry about that as I should be.

At least I am tonight.

So maybe it’s time to reevaluate the leopards.

Mine and others.

Ghosts of leopards past.

Because at the end of the day, sometimes the leopards are all you have.

What does that mean?

If you have leopards, you are still breathing.

You are still thinking.

You are still capable of making it through another hour, afternoon, morning, night, day, weekend, week, fortnight, month.

Because when you have leopards you know something is wrong.

And when you know something is wrong you can start looking for a solution.

I don’t have a solution right now, but I have more leopards than I know what to do with.

Leopards I haven’t had to deal with in a damn long time.

Brand new leopards that I didn’t have a month ago.

But I have them and they are mine now and I will deal with them.

Possibly by screaming a lot.

I am not okay, but that’s okay.

I have leopards.

So tonight I am still breathing, still thinking, still capable of making it through.

And so are you.

[leopardwrangling101]

Be gone leopards. Be gone!

[leopardwrangling101]

I live in the city that was once the territory where my 7 times great grandfather was born. His nation is my nation under layers of history, broken promises, unexpected tragedy, and unheard-of possibilities.

I have stood on the dock where once you could see the prisoner of war ship where another ancestor died. His beliefs echo in my beliefs.

I have walked battlefields my ancestors bled on. Their hopes whisper to my hopes.

I have studied the hushed names in the prison records and wondered if their motives would be my motives in a different time and place.

I have wandered the unknown burials and known there is a high probability one or more of those ancestors are buried there. Their unrealized dreams are tucked in tight next to my own.

I make the foods, celebrate the traditions, polish the spoons, keep track of the fragments left behind that have come into my possession. The puzzle that is the past. The names and faces barely known, but the pattern familiar.

I have paid admittance to the homes of my heroes. Writers, poets, composers, queens (of all kinds), activists, and the occasional villain... all who have influenced my past, present, and future.

I have sat in the parks, drank tea in the cafes, walked the streets, examined the artifacts. Looking for meaning.

We live in the same world as everyone we have ever admired, idolized, shared fragments of DNA with, survived the mistakes of, and benefit from their work and sacrifices.

For this reason, I know the benefit of personal pilgrimage places.

Sometimes you spend only a moment, long enough for a photograph.

Some you find a hotel or a home and spend as much time as you can.

But there are places that call to all of us and it can be beneficial to visit those places, breathe the air and touch the earth there.

These places speak to your soul somehow and it does your soul good to check in at those places.

Think of the places you have been. The places you want to return to and the ones you never wish to see again.

Think of the places that call to you that you have never visited.

A pilgrimage is a visit with intention. A deep meaningful intention to make a connection to the place.

When the leopards are circling and nothing seems like it could possibly turn out okay let alone well, planning a pilgrimage can be a lovely distraction and a means of protecting yourself from some of the worst thoughts that invade with the leopards.

Plans for the future, even the short term future are a good weapon against leopards.

Make a list of your pilgrimage places and what it would take to visit those places.

Remember the journey is part of the pilgrimage.

Remember that it is not always easy.

Can you visit one of these places this month? This year? In the next 2, 3, 4,5 years?

Then start making plans.

Your pilgrimage places, your personal ITHAKA, are waiting.

And maybe the journey will help lose some leopards.

[leopardwrangling101]

What about just walking away for a while.

Some of the most complicated problems can be solved by walking.

I drove my parents completely around-the-bend with this tendency when I was younger, but it was always how I worked out problems, emotions, lack of power.

I paced the hallway for hours. Walking it out with no where to go.

Now that I am on my own and the weather permits I walk my neighborhood. I walk the local parks.

The weather doesn't permit, I walk a safe indoor space.

It's 2 in the morning?

I pace the bedroom, the hallway, the kitchen.

I pace my office with the door closed.

Take your problems for a walk.

If it's safe to do so, put together a playlist for walking out your problems on your phone and listen to it while you walk.

Walking can be a meditation.

You can walk out your problem while using a mantra.

You can walk out your problems while focusing in a single word.

You can focus your walk by looking for every yellow flower or every person wearing a purple shirt.

Take your phone with you and set an alarm for the time when you should start thinking about returning from your walk. This way you don't need to worry about going too far and can be reached if something comes up while you are walking.

Walk somewhere familiar at first and always be aware of your surroundings tk stay safe while you walk.

When you return from your walk you can settle in and write down any solutions that come to mind.

Or you can have a nice cup of tea and leave your problems somewhere out there on your walk.

[leopardwrangling101]

Okay. I am feeling some kind of way about Ozzy Osbourne contracting COVID. This is because if COVID takes out Ozzy not only do we lose one of the best rock musicians ever (fight me. I will win.) but there is absolutely no possible way my personal Hollywood fantasy could come to fruition.

What is this fantasy?

Why is it on a mental health blog?

Because it is a personal amusing thing that sometimes can bring me out of the depths of depression.

I recommend having one of your own, but I will share mine.

Next James Bond flick. Ozzy Osbourne is James Bond.

Not James Bond is played by Ozzy, Ozzy is James Bond and always has been.

The whole thing is played in flash backs for all the amazing and crazy Ozzy antics being due to his desperate attempts to save the world and keep to his concert schedule in order to maintain his cover.

A career retrospective as it were.

And the villain?

After that entire he discovered Ozzy nonsense?

Post Malone.

Get well soon, Ozzy.

We need you to keep saving the world.

Or at least saving my fragile sanity.

[leopardwrangling101]

The benefits of the outside world. You know the natural one with plants and trees and rocks and stuff.

I have to admit that I have barely been outside lately.

Weather has been an issue.

Work has been full of issues.

My declining mental health has been an issue.

So the closest I have come lately to following this advice is keeping windows open when the weather cooperates.

Spending time in nature is good for you.

Breathing the outside air.

Watching the birds or the insects or the stars.

Feeling the wind or the sun or at least some of the rain drops or snowflakes.

Placing your barefoot against the grass, the mud, the sand.

Leaning against a tree and letting the tree take your worries, your anxieties, your problems...though say thank you afterwards or the tree might give them back.

Collecting pebbles, feathers, flowers and bringing them inside to remind yourself that there is a beautiful space out there where you can truly breathe, even for just a moment.

So, weather permitting, mental health permitting, take five minutes and just be outside.

Breathe deep.

Feel the natural world.

Really study a leaf or a flower or a rock or that weird bug.

Breathe some more.

All will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

[leopardwrangling101]

This is a place holder.

The next three posts I want to write when I feel up to it:

Time in nature

Walking it out

Personal pilgrimage places

Til then, I hope previous posts help with your leopards and know you are important and everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

[leopardwrangling101]

Have you tried poetry?

Reading it? Writing it? Memorizing it? Reciting it?

I once had a professor who informed me that I needed to memorize poetry so that when I was imprisoned in solitary confinement I wouldn’t go insane.

I don’t actually know if I should feel insulted that the professor thought I would end up in prison or disappointed that I have never done something that would put me in solitary confinement in a prison some where.

I ran into the professor in the grocery store years after I graduated and asked why they had said the original statement to me.

She couldn’t remember ever saying it.

That was almost more disappointing.

I remember the statement far more than any of the poetry.

But I wonder other things…did she know about the abuse and think I was going to snap?

Did she look at my odd combination of extracurricular activities and coursework and decide I was likely to be a spy or a dissident in some far away place?

And also not be very good at it?

Then at the same time…is my mental health such a mess because I didn’t memorize enough poetry?

Because I am regularly in a form of self imposed solitary confinement, sometimes positive, away from anything or anyone who could hurt me, sometimes negative, punishing myself for transgressions against myself, and still other times for reasons defying understanding, or I am there without realizing I am there…

So poetry.

I read poetry. It is in my leopard kits, desk drawer, car, on my phone.

I write poetry sometimes…the leopard in the kitchen poem pinned to the top of this blog for instance.

Poetry doesn’t expect anything of you.

You can keep it or let it go.

You can rhyme or not.

You can be silly or serious.

So, maybe try some poetry…just in case you’ve imprisoned yourself in solitary and you don’t know how long you’ll be there, or why you are there, but keeping some semblance of sanity would be beneficial.

https://allpoetry.com/poems/about/leopard

[leopardwrangling101]

Chocolate fondue day

Today is chocolate fondue day and I really appreciate that someone decided to say, “hey, let’s celebrate dipping things in melted chocolate.”

The thing is, chocolate fondue is definitely one of those things that can be immediately identified as indulgent.

So, here’s a little help in the self-indulgent category.

Grab a plate. A small one.

Cut up some fruit, not a lot, approximately two handfuls.

Grab a couple marshmallows (I like the lucky charm ones, not the dehydrated ones from the cereal, the squishy ones in the shapes)

Grab a rather plain cookie or two, like a shortbread or Nila wafers. (I take an anise sponge from my leopard foods and cut it into four pieces)

Now, how to make chocolate fondue for one person.

Really.

Just for you.

One and a half ounces of chocolate of choice. Trader Joe’s and ALDIs both sell sets of chocolate bars in this approximate size, I think they are actually 1.4 ounces and that is close enough. Most chocolate bars have the number of ounces on the package and you can approximate amounts as needed. Yes, you can use a little more or a little less, it’s for you. You do you.

Heavy cream (2-5 teaspoons)

Optional flavoring if using extracts 1/4 tsps. If using booze, 1 teaspoon or to taste.

Put the chocolate in a small bowl.

Microwave about fifteen seconds, check it, stir it and repeat. Be careful here, make certain you are watching it, stopping the microwave and stirring every ten to fifteen seconds. My microwave is questionable most of the time, but still need to stop it every fifteenish seconds to stir melting chocolate.

When most of the chocolate is melted, add a teaspoon of heavy cream when you stir it and then put it back in the microwave for about ten seconds.

Stir until smooth.

Now, if you are adding a flavoring, add it now and stir until smooth again.

The remaining heavy cream is to add and stir until smooth, you have between 1 and 4 teaspoons and this is because people have opinions about how thick or thin they like their chocolate fondue, so add until the consistency is what you like.

Stir until smooth.

Pour your chocolate fondue into a small container or fondue mug. (What is a fondue mug? A fondue mug is a mug designed to hold fondue and has a space underneath for a tea light candle, if you have one, it’s time to use it, if you try this and think you want to do it all the time, might be time to get one)

Budge up your plate of treats until there’s a space for your small container and enjoy.

Settle in somewhere with a cup of tea or coffee or whatever.

Don’t worry about it staying warm or liquid, if you are distracted and it goes too cold and/or stiff, pop it back in the microwave for about ten seconds, stir and resume dipping things in it.

If you want to share with someone else?

4 ounces of chocolate for 2 people, start with about a tablespoon of heavy cream

8 ounces for 4 people, start with about two tablespoons of heavy cream.

Why so much if you only used one and a half ounces for yourself?

Because if you are sharing with someone else you are going to spend more time.

You will talk.

You will lose things in the chocolate and have to dig them out with a spoon and likely laugh about it.

If you are in a relationship with the person across the chocolate, there might be kisses if that is a thing you share.

If you are going to share, you’ll want a bit more chocolate.