letsloveoutloud-blog

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

My 365

Hi guys! So my blog has CLEARLY been on the back burner. I wanted so badly to blog daily or by weekly about my personal journey as a mom, things did not turn out the way I planned them so I never really blogged at all. Below is something that's been taking up some significance in my life over the last year. I hope you enjoy reading! I look forward to blogging more in the future. Alright. Let's talk. DEPRESSION or more specifically postpartum. When Hudson was born I had no idea what kind of journey I was going to face. I was always around women and babies growing up and I literally craved the idea of being a mom and having 8 kids. I heard people talk about postpartum depression but not REALLY and I never fully understood what it was and Certainly didn't think it would happen to me. Well it did happen to me and it's been hard probably the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. It is the most terrifying thing looking at your newborn baby and feeling like you feel nothing, like you could walk out your front door and keep walking. I was so afraid to talk about it so I never did, I let those feelings eat me and rot inside for way to long because I felt guilty and like I was a terrible mother for feeling that way. That is so wrong I wasn't a terrible mom and it was not my fault what I felt that way. I wasn't neglecting my baby or not caring for him so how could I be a bad mom? Everyday for a bit there I would cry when Hudson was sleeping. Putting on clothes or leaving the house literally made me so anxious so I would opt out many times. When I finally broke my walls down and told my husband and talked to people I loved and trusted things got a lot easier because I realized it wasn't all in my head and we all need a little help sometimes. Not everyone who has babies has a natural knack for it and that's okay. It's does not make you any less of a mom for it. It's been 10 months since my life changed forever the multiple seasons of feelings I've gone though over this time is unbelievable. I'm not 100% and I may never be, but the point is I can manage and deal with these feelings In a Way that works for me now. It's been so tough but honestly I believe I am a stronger person for it. I thank our beautiful god that he doesn't give up on us and can defeat the lies that try and crush us. If I could give anyone advice it would be to find a safe place and find people who you love and trust and TALK about it, because weather we like it or not this is real and it does exist and we shouldn't have to hide what we feel for the fears and lies of being shamed. That's not okay. Us mothers need help too sometimes we are not invincible like the movies and books all claim...Also remember this. It's okay to NOT be okay. Seek help if you need it ladies it doesn't make you any less amazing My 365 has been all kinds of things but being a mom is still the best thing in the world and I would do it all over gain. Love your journey. Jacklyn Falk Hudson's Mama

Ps. I know Hudson is not quite a year yet but the title works well with what I'm saying!

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

YOU matter

"You Matter" Have you ever felt like some parts of your life just aren't where they should to be? Picture your life as a puzzle with each piece perfectly placed together to make this beautiful image. Sometimes we loose pieces or place them in the wrong spots occasionally, right? So that leaves the image a bit distorted and off. I'm feeling a little bit out of touch and like some pieces are missing. I always feel awful when I say things like this because In the back of my head I hear a little voice screaming " there's people out there who are worse off than you" I recently was having this conversation with my Best Friend and she said something that's been stuck in my head for days now and that is, what I'm feeling is valid and though there will always be people worse off than you it doesn't dismiss the fact that you feel the way you do. That to me is so cool. I always seem to ignore or just shove aside how I'm feeling because of this "guilt " that's in my head so instead of praying or working through the issues I just pretend they don't exist which doesn't really get a me very far. It's not only frustrating but unhealthy to live that way. I'm taking moments to breathe and focus on these misplaced or missing pieces and do some personal mending within, why? Because it doesn't matter where you are in life. You matter ALWAYS. It's not okay to forget about yourself because we are all valuable treasures no matter where we stand or the issues we're going through. You can't fight off your demons if you act like they aren't there.

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

Alright, so I’m like really bad at blogging 😂 ( haha) it’s like a month or more in between posts. But today I’ll try to break that habit.

Little king Hudson was 4 months old on the 9th. Time just slips through my fingers it seems! This guy now laughs, wiggles, and has some pretty deep conversations with me. He’s still getting stronger and can almost sit up on his own without any help, tummy time is NOT his favourite and he loves to snuggle close in the big bed with Mommy and Daddy for quiet time. Im jut loving this guy more and more the older he gets is super exciting. I’m sitting here at 4:30am after putting him back to bed after a nice warm bottle thinking of how excited I am to go back to work and get my routines aligned again. I’m so not the stay at home all day kind of person. I also give into my food cravings and binges when I’m bored I don’t have the discipline to put the pasta away. We all know where this is headed. Haha. I do laundry daily and bake or cook something constantly because I have to keep moving staying still makes me almost itchy and aggravated. Since I’ve been feeling more like myself I haven’t really been home in 2 weeks. I pack up the Hudson and leave walking, going to visit people and don’t come home till dinner time. I’m starting eating right again and being more active to get my pre pregnancy bod back. Fingers crossed I manage to get even half way there. My goal is to keep the curves and loose the jiggle. It’s easter weekend so we will see how long this lasts! My mom is making my favourites this year not only that I finally get to spend a holiday with MY family and old friends like back when I was little and Hudson gets to experience his first rude crude Laslo family Dinner. Anyways it’s now almost 5 am and I think I should go to back to sleep before the munchkin wants to party again! Happy Easter loves 🐰 💙💛💜💚

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

Alright, so I'm like really bad at blogging 😂 ( haha) it's like a month or more in between posts. But today I'll try to break that habit. Little king Hudson was 4 months old on the 9th. Time just slips through my fingers it seems! This guy now laughs, wiggles, and has some pretty deep conversations with me. He's still getting stronger and can almost sit up on his own without any help, tummy time is NOT his favourite and he loves to snuggle close in the big bed with Mommy and Daddy for quiet time. Im jut loving this guy more and more the older he gets is super exciting. I'm sitting here at 4:30am after putting him back to bed after a nice warm bottle thinking of how excited I am to go back to work and get my routines aligned again. I'm so not the stay at home all day kind of person. I also give into my food cravings and binges when I'm bored I don't have the discipline to put the pasta away. We all know where this is headed. Haha. I do laundry daily and bake or cook something constantly because I have to keep moving staying still makes me almost itchy and aggravated. Since I've been feeling more like myself I haven't really been home in 2 weeks. I pack up the Hudson and leave walking, going to visit people and don't come home till dinner time. I'm starting eating right again and being more active to get my pre pregnancy bod back. Fingers crossed I manage to get even half way there. My goal is to keep the curves and loose the jiggle. It's easter weekend so we will see how long this lasts! My mom is making my favourites this year not only that I finally get to spend a holiday with MY family and old friends like back when I was little and Hudson gets to experience his first rude crude Laslo family Dinner. Anyways it's now almost 5 am and I think I should go to back to sleep before the munchkin wants to party again! Happy Easter loves 🐰 💙💛💜💚

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

I'm learning the ropes guys. Sometimes I feel like this. And yes I'm also learning it's okay. No one said being a mommy came to you overnight. Today I was congested and stuffed up I basically pulled an all nighter with a coughing fit the night before. My muscles ached and all I wanted to do was lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I didn't though I got myself together and was the mom Hudson needed me to be.he can't help or doesn't know how I'm feeling but he knows he needs me and I also do need him too. Yesterday he went down like a dream tonight he's not feeling so good with his little head resting on my shoulder. Mom's don't get days off. We work 24-7 and can't call in sick. I had to sit and pray today for things to settle within me and for me to be soothed and calmed just like Hudson is laying upon me as I type this because what I forget always is the one and only father I've only ever truly gotten to know has me and will soothe me and carry me when I feel like I can barely go on. He will heal and restore anything wrong within me. I just have to let him. So today is being a mom is hard. Tomorrow is another day and together we all got this. I've got this and I will not fall apart ♥️♥️♥️

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

Here's A snip of what coffee and morning is like for us around here 😍

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

My forever changing life

Hi Guys!

So I’ve been sitting and sitting and sitting around thinking I should really be blogging. This post is dedicated to my little man.

I honestly over the last 3 months have just fallen deeply in love the only kind of love a mom can only feel. It’s the most challenging and rewarding thing life has to offer AND we’re only getting started over here.

Hudson… where the heck do I start?

First off. He’s really cute. Obviously. Haha Also he’s got such a personality for only being alive 3 months. He likes to blabber his baby talk about alllll day long. He’s a good eater. He loves his snuggle time. Also his giggle melts me into a million pieces. His smile is the thing that keeps me breathing it reminds me I have a purpose and that this little boy needs me just as much as I need him. He’s also lazy and hates his tummy time. He loves when daddy and mommy kiss his tummy. Honestly I could go on and on but I would just end up boring you. ;)

I’m writing this in the early hours of the morning with my Babe in the bassinet and my husband by my side. Tonight… Well it’s been one of “ those ” days. For me that consists of sitting on the couch with my messed up hair crusted on make up and my coffee pot on drip mode all day long. Watching Greys Anatomy balling my eyes out every sad scene that comes on. Feeling well just yuck. Hudson napped on me and played around since he didn’t feel much like sleeping the night before. I realized today that it’s okay to just have a good cry. Today I missed work lots. They are really my second family. Going from busy running around to pretty much getting bored and staring at the same walls every single day is well not as fun as it sounds some days. Don’t get me wrong sitting there hearing my little boo giggle and wiggle is the best moment of any day ever. Though it doesn’t mean I don’t miss the crazy..Since Hudson’s been born I’ve been really learning who I am again because having a baby changes who you are you become a mom to another living person and everyone else sees you as a mom too. That’s amazing and terrifying all at once. It all happens in seconds. My life is a ever changing roller coaster and sure the very beginning felt like it would never end but it just keeps getting better and better. That’s all for now. But keep reading. Cause there will be tones more eventually 😘

Jackie and Bean 💕

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

My heart is full It's about to burst amazing how one little smile And two little brown eyes can change your entire universe. I leap to my feet whenever I hear your cries, the sleepless nights and the early mornings are all of a sudden worth it. You are my E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G I'm not deserving of you, But you are mine God blessed me My son, a child to keep forever to be your mother is all I will ever need, So rest your head easy my baby And I will hold you close I will provide and protect you as long as I live till the day that die, I believe in dreams and I believe every single prayer is heard, you Hudson are living proof. And I will always love you ❤️ Jackie

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

My boys.

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

10 things they will never tell you

Hey! So it's been " almost" a month since Hudson came into this world, and wow it's been some crazy stuff...Life changing in the best of ways that's for sure. I never thought I would be blogging at 1:30am by myself in the dark cause it's the only second I have away from baby and the husband. I should be sleeping but....😉this is way more interesting. Okay so this post is going to be a bit all over the place since well that's my life right now. So I don't know if any of you have seen those posts like : " 10 things nobody ever tell you when your pregnant" well I actually like reading them cause lots of what they are saying is true. This post is gonna kinda be my take on 10 things no one will ever tell you when your pregnant. Here goes lets start with #1... ) Morning sickness can and WILL come at any time of day...BUT There is hope you CAN if advised by your doctor take things for it. ( I never knew this till I was in pretty rough shape ) #2) the second trimester is the " fun" trimester take all the sleeps and puke free days to your advantage. ( I did not I'll be honest with you ) #3) You will pee lots but it's not what you think you WILL wake up several times in the middle of the night feeling like you have to burst and when you actually make it to the washroom and pee it's a trickle... ( yup that's it VERY disappointing 😂) #4) your gonna feel out of your mind with your hormones you may even cry watching tv because you watched a Commercial about a boy and his dog... ( true stuff this happened to me ) #5) you will get cravings. eat what you want. your baby will be fine.. do yourself a favour and don't become a health Freak ( I lived on brownies and cranberry ginger ale the last weeks of my pregnancy my baby is healthy and happy) #6) unless your finding out the gender the is NO way of guessing what your going to have... ( I had people come up to me at work and literally tell me to go buy girl clothes cause there is a girl in there.. ) #7) don't listen to anyone's experiences in labor it will not only freak you out but it's not going to be the same for you as it was for the next person. Do what you have to do girl! ( I chose the take every pain medication possible route and things went really well for me ) #8) Every. Single. Mom. That you know out there is gonna hand you there advice... be polite and take them as they come use what you want and leave the rest. ( smile because that's all you really can do ) #9) when you come home from the hospital your entire life is changed forever it's OKAY to feel overwhelmed and like you want to cry actually you probably will cry lots and for a few days at that. ( it's hard it was for me anyways ) #10) if you go natural or have a C section right after baby makes there appearance you jump right into your new life... you know how when your not feeling good or you have surgery or something and you usually sleep and rest.. ( nope not with a baby I'll tell you that ) #11) your gonna need help don't be stupid and refuse it.. the days your Mom or good friend wants to come over and do your dishes or hold your baby so you can shower DO IT. ( I thank every single person who helped me and is still helping me) #12) get ready to love something more than you ever thought you could love somebody before this is your Baby your very own gift from god. Your gonna sit there and stare at your sweet little masterpiece for hours and think you created the cutest kid in the world... ( it's all worth it now mama all the cries and the sleepless nights ) Well... there you have it. I think I'm pretty funny ;) Jackie & Hudson 💕💕💕

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

How he speaks to Me

So this post means lots to me.. It's truly god and how he works and how he speaks to my heart.

On Tuesday I was feeling guilty like a bad mom and a horrible person like Hudson deserved anyone on this earth but me... later that day I went to walmart looking for a "bottle warmer" to warm the fomula bottles I feed Hudson. I didn't have a clue what I was looking for.. I seen a lady looking in the same isle and asked " do you know what a bottle warmer is or looks like" I was feeling so terrible for formula feeding my son instead of breast milk since I have started. almost like I was lacking as a woman or a Mom. the lady replied " oh yes!" and began to talk and look with me. I remember stating in our conversation " I know brest milk is the best of the best but.." the lady cut me off and said " NO don't you feel bad about that, I hate how pushed the moment of breast feeding is on people" My eyes were big almost like I was going to cry and she begain to talk and said " I'm a nurse and I couldn't feed my children breast milk.. guess what there still healhy and happy" "I also didn't sanitize my bottles like how they tell you to" " there fine" I remember just standing there and feeling peace and knowing I'm a good mom because I'm feeding him and clothing him and loving him each and everyday. things like breast feeding don't define that. It's amazing how the enemy will try to distroy a perfect moment like the birth of your child and the early stages by making you feel so horribly. I am so glad that God is good and always has our backs anytime of any day. I wish I got the ladies name.. she was seriously such a sweetheart. I am no longer burdened by this heavy feeling in my heart. Thank you walmart lady and thank you jesus for our encounter.

-Jackie and Hudson <3

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

The Journey

My personal experience with Labor and Delivery as well as my First week as a New Mommy.

Labor started on Thursday, December 8th, @ 9pm. it started Fairly slow they came and went about every hour or so around 11pm they started to pick up so I went to the hospital. They checked me out and confirmed that I was in labor but not active quite yet. they didn't feel to bad at that point It felt like I was on my period, I know lots of people refer to them this way I do get bad periods but it felt handle-able. about 2 hours later they  got more intense to where I felt I could shed a few tears I went back and they offered me some medicine to take the "edge" off which I took. that helped quite a bit. they set me home again. I tried to sleep but anxious I just kept myself distracted I woke up early 7am or so and made My husband breakfast after that I couldn't take it anymore and went back to the hospital for the 3rd time. by then They said I was 4cm and going to have a baby! I had the most lovely nurses they brought me to my room and made me feel comfortable. I was having really intense contractions and what I found helpful was not sitting but being in a standing position swaying into each contraction as it peaked then breathing as it settled down. at around 6cm  I asked the nurse if I could have a epidural about an hour went by and the doctor came in they gave it to me and I immediately felt better to me they are wonderful. at that point I could not feel anything only pressure. it was weird to be laying there needing other people to help me do everything because I couldn't walk. things stayed this way for a few hours I mostly laughed and talked with the nurses and my Husband. My mom came along as well for support. I also can't forget my honorary mother Kim who stayed with us the entire time too. during labor they realized that Baby was sitting with there spine against my spine  so they called the obstetrician in to use his hands and flip the baby.... now even with an epidural this was VERY painful. I cried lots but it was over in 2 seconds.  @ around 7pm the doctor looked at me and said it's time to push. this moment is when it became super real to me. Pushing with an epidural honestly feels like you have to poop. I wont sugar coat it haha. after an hour of pushing they told me my Baby was here! they told me to look and see what I had and there laying on top of me was my little baby boy! Hudson David Falk was born at 7:54pm December, 9th, 2016. I remember looking up into Daryl's eyes both of us full of joyful tears and thinking this is it.. LIFE starts now.

My first week as a Mommy:  Okay well.. long story short right here I immediately changed my mind about disliking being pregnant after having a newborn baby for 3 nights. the switch has been hard... actually hard is a understatement it's probably the hardest thing I have ever done. once you give birth you automatically switch into baby mode and there is NO Time to catch up or recover from the recent trauma your body just experienced. you are sore and your bleeding and your emotional it's not fun times. Your baby needs to be fed every couple of hours and the only time you have to sleep is when they are sleeping.. and In my  babes case not sleeping. it's super challenging. this week I've learned to be humble and honest with myself and other people. when people ask how I'm doing I tell them. because no one said becoming a mom over night had to be easy. I had to learn this week to be okay with not being okay. I learned to take help from people when they are offering it. you will greatly appreciate it no matter what. I also realized that God has blessed me with so many people in my life. especially My friends who are all new mothers at the same time as me.. he's shown me through them that I am not alone and that I am worthy and able to do all of this. I've learned to put my faith in him and take it a day at a time I've become so close to the lord during this time because he is really the only place I have peace. Today I took 1 hour out of my day to do my hair and makeup and I was proud of myself it's going to take time and it's going to be hard work but when I look into my little babies eyes it's worth it every tear every sleepless night is totally worth it. this baby rocks my entire world. I wouldn't change it for anything though sometimes it may feel otherwise. My Grandma recently said to me giving birth is like going through a breakup or a divorce once that baby leaves your body it's like all you've ever known is gone right before your eyes and you have to start new. My advice for other new soon to be mommy's is to cherish the womb time you have with your little peanut and once they are here take a deep breath and dive in I know every baby is different and every mommy is different too but that doesn't mean we are not all faced with challenges. keep faith because gods got it all figured out... that is my journey so far.

keep posted for more blogs and LIFE with baby Hudson and me... I probably won't be on as often as before being as " mom life" is starting to take over.

Love all of you dearly, Jackie and Hudson <3

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

No title for this one..

Well... we're here the "due" date. I know I wouldn't be giving birth today not many people do. From now on it's the waiting game. My feelings? I'm nervous but more excited than anything. That's not all though...physically my body feels like it can't take much more. My back and ribs are very much over the pregnancy thing. I can't sleep without waking up every half hour in discomfort. I watch my husband peacefully sleep while I use Pinterest. It's not fun times. Today I just feel like collapsing and crying till there's nothing left. I'm asking god for more patience as there is still the journey of labor ahed of me. My little masterpiece is taking all I got. Only a few more steps to go... I can't wait to meet you. 💕 Jackie and babe

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

Hii! okay so I am super excited right now. no I'm not in labor BUT it is starting to snow! and where we live it either snows a little bit or not at all. sometimes it can snow a lot but it hasn't for a really long time! some people I know live where it snows WAYYY more than it will ever here but right here in Abbotsford B.C. It snows just enough for me. okay... that was a huge explanation about snow which is sort of what I'm getting at but not entirely it's more about how I absolutely LOVE December it really and truly is my favorite Month out of the entire year. I just want to tell everyone why I mean despite the pretty obvious. I find in December there is a smell in the air and it's inevitable  I'm hooked.  I love the way things look in December even if it snows or not it has the most crisp Fresh feeling. I love cold weather. I've never been a huge fan of super scalding hot weather. The way everything goes from green to golden and completely bare for the winter is wonderful. I feel like it's the years way of saying here is a blank canvas for the next one Imagine whatever you want to imagine. It is beautiful to me. Not to mention Christmas and everything that goes along with it. it really is a dream come true when I think about my life we got Engaged AND Married in December and now we get to have a sweet little Baby in December too. I am making December a Big deal in my house because I believe that the happiest things happen at this time of year. I know that the holidays and everything mean different things for everyone. I only hope you enjoyed hearing my Cheesy happy December story.

Love always, Jackie & Bean

[letsloveoutloud-blog]

CRAAAAAZZY.

Hello My loves, It's December! I seriously can't believe it. I feel like I've been pregnant for a year.. though I am probably not the first person to say that. haha.. It's crazy to think that Bean and I have been on a 9 month journey already. it's even Crazier to think that anytime now I get to kiss and hold the little lips and hands that wiggle within me. This is truly amazing I can hardly contain myself. You wanna know whats even Crazier than that? I got engaged a year ago and Married on my Due date December 8th! It's astonishing how crazy life is and that we have no idea what our "plans" really are. I know some may say "you jumped into all of this really fast" or "you are so young don't you want to live a little first?" well I've put lots of thought into this and if Family isn't living then I don't know what  is. I'm happier right now than I have ever been in my entire life. I would say that God's plan for  me is way more exciting and thrilling than any plan I could have came up with. sure I've yet to travel the world or learn how to dance...but I am even more excited to share these firsts with my Child. it's going to be great. I have already started planning!

on another note I'm terrible at Blogging.. I thought once I went on mat leave I would be blogging up a storm but... that’s not the case. I hope you guys stay tuned to see the BIG reveal of weather Baby is a BOY or GIRL!!! seriously it's gonna be great. I want to try to blog through labor or share some of my experience but I'm not promising anything considering it's really a experience I have no control over :P

Till then...

Love Love Love, Jackie and Bean <3