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librasungirl · 2 years ago

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The night you broke me …🌙

Feeling pain has always been a part of me since I was a small,small as a sweet pea.

Growing pains, physical pain, emotional pain, pain more than others could endure. I used to ask myself why me whats the purpose,whats my purpose . As a child your mindset is so simplistic its a 1,2 step thought process for most, but not me for some reason everytime I got torn down and drowned I learned I had to get myself back up because no one else would ever care to do it. Growing up full of family and friends but feeling so alone in the world ,I just couldn't comprehend why my mind and heart were always at war with eachother..

Pre teen years was extreme, but by then I was a walking soldier ready to grenade or shoot down any possible real connection knowing connection was really only pain in the making…but then….

You entered my life and for some reason my heart won my mind for the 1st time in a long time… you brightened my day made me feel like someone finally saw me for the good things I was,because despite it all I had taken a piece of myself my innocence and locked it away in the depths of my ocean so that even i couldn't find it, when I realized it would only bring more evil to my doorstep.

But you saw it even through the dark

Your love ,playfulness, and friendship made it shine so bright you found it with ease..

Little did I know you were a wolf in sheep's clothing, so enamored with your energy and playfulness i never saw you grinning behind your mask,as if I was your greatest accomplishment most delicious savory meal .you couldn't wait to eat me alive..

I bared your fruit and the more I bared the more you showed you true nature,but by then it was too late. I was already to entwined between your fangs ,blood dripping off your disgusting terrifying snout.i couldn't look away and I couldn't leave my heart wouldn't let me..crying days and nights a prisoner to my own heart.i asked again why me ,what is my purpose..and again no answer..Until finally that fateful night

I had convinced myself yet again I could change i could be better i could help you grow into a better person. All I wanted was 1 conversation one of the most heartfelt submissive conversations. I would bend backwards for you ,polvorize my pride for you,wait patiently for you. But little did I know you had already devoured me and all that was left was the shell of who I thought I was,scraps and bones for the rodents. You were done with me.

As I cried and begged my capture for one chance ,one opportunity to see me and I can help you see.

The louder i cried the more I got rejected the spiral began,everything I locked away since I was a little girls finally surfaced to the top in a whirlpool turned tornado..

I couldn't think straight

Too much pain

All the pain from my whole life unraveled that night

Thoughts I never thought I would think

Was I insane was I even a human anymore

No my soul left my body , I couldn't connect to my mind to my heart to my body.it was as if I had imploded from the inside out

I drowned

I DIED…

You killed me slowly with every tear I cried every beat my heart gave was a slow fade to non existence..

Alone all alone emptiness despair darkness no one just Alone….

Until….

I found her

Poor little sweet pea

I left her , I abandoned her

I could actually see her feel her,shocked and in disbelief I didn't even know she was still there .where I left her bruised and beaten on the floor .she was still there.why did I leave her behind?how I could I do that to her.? How could I do what everyone else had done.why did I not protect her…As I curled up on the shower floor I couldn't help but cry and beg her for forgiveness. I held her tight and showed her the love she always deserved. Speaking my love for her into existence holding her hugging her speaking truth to her.god you are strong and beautiful you are who you were always meant to be .And when I cradeled her in my arms and gave her kisses and hugs of love and acceptance and forgiveness she hugged me back…You were the reason ,you are my purpose. And I love you..

Finally the love I always searched for was here it was within me this whole time….

You see you didn't break me really ,you broke a version of me that was already broken a version of me that was not who I really was ,but who the wolves said I was…and my heart was not my prison afterall ,the mindset I created was…

Like the Phoenix

I turned to ashes only to arise as my true self So thank you for being the most dangerous heartless disgusting person you were. Cause without your help I would have probably never found Me!

#mental health #self worth #alone in the dark #my writing #heartbroken #painful #writing #journal

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