lilacmango - Tumblr blog

[lilacmango]

John Ward

[lilacmango]

[lilacmango]

this is at my school and none of my friends knew why i was crying

[lilacmango]

i had a bad dream.

i have a lot of bad dreams but this one was really bad

i was petting my cat, then i accidentally scratched her. i keep my nails long so it’s not some unrealistic thing. but when i scratched her, it’s like a large part of her was skinned

it was so awful

she cried out, she sounded so hurt and scared

i could see her muscle and insides and it was horrifying, she got up and tried getting away from me but she was stumbling from the pain

i tired going after her to pet her, help her, show her i was sorry, but i knew that she was an animal that wouldn’t actually be able to comprehend my apology and i would just be the thing that hurt her so awfully

eventually she kinda fell down, she was still crying in pain. she wasn’t bleeding, she never bled, i could just see her muscle

when she fell i tried stroking her on her head, partially because that’s her favorite and partially because her body was a horrific mess, but she just nipped at my hand when i tried reaching in and looked at me with terrified, hurt eyes

my cat is an absolute cuddle bug, and she’s never intentionally bit or scratched me, so it kinda made it hurt even more

i’ve accidentally stepped on her tail and stuff in the past, that kinda stuff happens when you have a pet, but i always give her a treat and pet her to apologize, and it never makes her scared of me or anything

but in this dream she was terrified of me. she didn’t trust me. and why should she when i’ve hurt her so bad?

i dunno what the dream was trying to tell me. maybe it’s the fact i’m scared to ever slip up at all because everyone sees me as a ray of sunshine, and i feel like any mistake will ruin that image and they’ll hate me

maybe it’s just that i plan on going into a career in child care, most likely a kindergarten teacher, and that means working with fragile little fellas who are hurt so easily and are so vulnerable, and i’m terrified of ever hurting everyone, i always feel the need to protect people

i dunno, but it was awful and i spent the first three hours of the day petting my cat, following her around, playing with her, giving her treats, etc.

ughhhh

[lilacmango]

well now i want to read it

Narrator/Jack is so ftm to me

Plus, he's really so me, so im projecting onto him big time

[lilacmango]

SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO A WALL SLAMMING MU HEAD INTO A WAL SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO A WALL SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO A WALL SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO A WALL SLAMMJNG MY HEAD INTO A WALL

SLAMMINF MT HEAD INTO A WALL

Fucking gender????

[lilacmango]

Lila... Please. I beg you, let me back in.

[lilacmango]

It's him ahah

Idk I wanted to draw Mike, but it slowly turned into Miles and before I realized it was too late to go back.

[lilacmango]

love when finn wolfhard plays a character that's a little confused. just a bit puzzled

[lilacmango]

[lilacmango]

i wanna hug my dad

if you know my blog at all you know how many negative feelings i have for him, how much pain he has caused me

i hate having so many emotions. i still love him

knowing that one day he’ll be gone breaks my heart, i wanna hug him right now

i hate how i feel trapped so much with how he yells at me and i wanna leave, but the thought of moving out has me sobbing

i hate how much i’ve been crying before sleep lately, i hate that i can’t be as cold as i was freshman year

it’s like i managed to push sadness down for so long and now it’s back in full force, feeling it the same way i did crying in the bathroom in first grade because i knew my parents wouldn’t always be here and school was stealing time from me i could have with them

it felt so unfair

i think i grasped too many big concepts as a kid. all of kindergarten i made a scene every morning, sobbing and refusing to let go of my dad because i knew it could be the last time i saw him

it’s not like i was traumatized from living in a war zone or anything, im a white suburban kid. it’s just like i understood death from the moment i was born, crying at three years old because my brother ate a bug and that was a little life he just stole

it’s like i buried my emotions in middle school, tired of crying at everything, but now it’s all back

i just wanna hug my dad

i’m so tired of feeling so much

i’m tired of being the kid who cries when you step on a bug, the kid who cries every night, the kid who cries constantly in history class because of how mean people are, the kid who cries and cries and cries and cries

it feels so unfair

how are so many people so unbothered? it’s not fair

i’m tired of crying but i can’t stop

[lilacmango]

going on a hike with my family

things have been fine with my dad lately, and my brother is great, so hopefully this’ll go well

maybe it’ll help push back the urge to relapse (i haven’t yet)

[lilacmango]

ok so

i’m open to mutuals! i’m not on often, and very inconsistently, but uhm

im an attention whore

my blog is a lot of:

venting (my appearance, my dad, sh, gender, etc)

memes

fandom stuff, mainly Who’s Lila?, FAITH, and FNAF

if you scroll far back on my blog there is:

dsmp stuff (pretty much just tommy fanart reblogs, i don’t pay attention to anything dsmp anymore because of all the shit that has happened, but tommy was a huge comfort for me for like three years and i don’t wanna erase that history from my blog)

and mandela catalogue stuff (after recent events with alex kister i’m not reblogging anything else for it anymore)

so follow if u want, send a message, idolize me, send me hate, whatever u want pookie :P

[lilacmango]

i hate that i’m so close to relapsing after being clean for a while.

i mean you guys would probably be fine with it, my blog thrives off of my sad content

i know caring about interaction on tumblr is cringe because this is hellsite, but can you blame a man for wanting a few online people to think he’s so cool?

internet validation is my drug. i just want a lot of followers who feed my destructive tendencies, is that too much to ask?

[lilacmango]

Real footage of what hapend that day

Anyway

[lilacmango]

my blog is a safe space for me. the rest of you are in danger i think

[lilacmango]

"kill them with kindness" WRONG. RAIN OF SPIDERS 🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷🕷