lilyimmsim

[lilyimmsim]

so yeah it’s been a minute. my school blocked tumblr on our laptops, and i don’t have a personal laptop, which means i struggle to post things (i hate doing this on my phone; it doesn’t seperate [it] from any other media or content consumption)

but i’ve been feeling kinda upset recently and perhaps, some part, is to do with the lack of self-expression, like this platform

so i think i have to get over my disdain for my mobile tumblr posts, because i’d rather just get my thoughts out of my head

[lilyimmsim]

Kaz would wear eyeliner I know it. He'd do some on his waterline and maybe he'd do more as time went on but that man does eyeliner i feel it in my bones

[lilyimmsim]

i was wondering where jesus was in all of this grey. in all of this mourning, this hurt, this ugliness, when i was reminded of lazarus. jesus didn't make it in time, and lazarus passed away before jesus arrived. and jesus knew he could raise him from the dead, he knew lazarus would be awake and blinking in a few short moments, he knew this was for the glory of god, but still jesus wept. he wept. the son of god, the perfect human, the messiah - he wept. and so clearly, i realised, that jesus knows this hurt. he knows this pain and ugliness. he hurts with me, but he has his eyes set on the future, too. he is going to make this ugly beautiful again. he is going to make something beautiful out of me.

[lilyimmsim]

i know that time is passing, okay? i know that i am not helping anyone by looking out the window. i want to be doing my work, i do not want the world to pass me by. i know that time is passing because the song has changed a few times. i’m paralysed, though. my eyelids are heavy, my hair limp, legs exhausted. i know time is passing. but i don’t feel the seconds as they pass - rather, i feel the gut-wrenching disappointment when the clock reads too late. when it reads, ‘too much time has passed’, ‘you are too far behind’, ‘you cannot overcome this gap’.

[lilyimmsim]

had a nightmare that i lived in a futuristic scifi city where teleportation had become the norm and replaced all other forms of transportation and one day i suddenly became aware that teleportation kills people and just creates a clone of them that thinks it's the same person and that if i ever teleported again i would die, and that every time one of my friends or family teleports they die, that i'm not even the original me, that all newborn babies live a few hours at most, until their first teleportation. but no one would believe me and treated me like i was crazy and my life was almost impossible without teleportation because there were no more roads connecting cities and all stairs and elevators had been removed so i couldnt get to my job or the grocery store or do pretty much anything. in the end i had to gaslight myself into just pretending the people around me weren't dying and the copies were really them because after all it's stupid to mourn someone standing right next to you isn't it? if you only spend a few hours with each iteration what meaning does it have?

[lilyimmsim]

never related to authors being like "childhood is such a blessed innocent time", catch me with that jane eyre shit like "such dread as children only can feel" and "I then sat with my doll on my knee til the fire got low, glancing round occasionally to make sure nothing worse than myself haunted the shadowy room"

[lilyimmsim]

I hate when people ask me about my preference but I don’t understand their preference level. Like yes I kinda want Chinese food 10% more than I want a sandwich but if you want a sandwich like 40% more than Chinese food then I would say it’s totally reasonable we get sandwiches.

[lilyimmsim]

A boy and a girl, both children falling in love with the magic. Only, one became the magic and one fell in love with the magic itself. A classic children's tale

[lilyimmsim]

so anxious right now it's killing me! not sure why, but my brain sensed some imaginary danger it's protecting me from now

[lilyimmsim]

i never used to like horses. never disliked them, but was never amazed by them, never saw the same beauty that others did. they were just horses. but one day, months and months ago, i passed a chestnut-coloured horse grazing in a paddock on the way to school. a painting flashed in my mind - an inspiration, a seed planted. so i went home, and painted the horse in my mind, surrounded by the grass and flowers i desired. but after this exercise, these hours spent carefully, delicately painting the fur and nose and hoofs, i had a newfound awe of horses. i passed them on my way to school and admired the shadows cast on their flanks, the royal air with which they carried themselves, appreciating the different colours and sculpted builds i had never previously noticed. i never used to like horses, but i see it now.

[lilyimmsim]

i really, never knew you. and that's awful - maybe i didn't try hard enough, but maybe you never let me. you never let me. and i really loved who i thought you were. i really truly did. but it was never actually you. and i'm disappointed, because you lied; because you weren't who i wanted you to be. i'm so sorry for you, because you were so distressed and insecure and had no one to support you. i'm sad for myself, because i deserved better. i am glad we dated, i don't regret it at all - but i am glad we broke up, too. no hard feelings, isaac. i'll be praying for you.

[lilyimmsim]

it's raining. kirinaki shima reverberates. the fan spins. breathe in, breathe out. goosebumps arise on my arms. time is not passing. my mother cut fruit for me today. i cut myself. just in my head, though. shadows dance on my wall. the plants are climbing. i wonder what stories the carpet could tell. i'd hum to you, if you could hear it. breathe in, breathe out again. it's 12.30pm there, and 10.30pm here, and 7.30pm there. painting, dancing, singing. time is not passing. listen to the drips. are the spiders okay? the shadows are leaping now. mirror ball mirrors. heart is beating, do you hear me? breathe in. hold it. my teddy bear is sleeping. maybe i should join him.

[lilyimmsim]

i think about the lollipop lady by the bottom of your street. i wonder if she will make the connection between my absence, why i no longer stand on your driveway as you squint at me. i wonder if she'll miss the way i occasionally sprinted past her, begging the school bus to not be there yet. i wonder if she knows i will miss the way she'd smile reassuringly at me, tell me i still had time, to have a good afternoon.

[lilyimmsim]

Wow you go to bed early? You're so responsible!!

actually no I just get suicidal after 9pm

[lilyimmsim]

you know what's crazy. for lent, i decided to try + cut back on social media etc. so i set a time limit for 10min on insta (i don't have any other social media except snap, but i don't spend much time on it). and i used to have 45min, so this isn't too much less. but i genuinely actually felt a tiny bit anxious about it. like what am i gonna do when i get home. in my bedroom. what am i gonna do. so i mean i guess i got confirmation this was a good idea but oh my goodness i didn't anticipate the worry

[lilyimmsim]

the concept of time differences fascinates me. you're three hours away, and it raises questions. you haven't had lunch yet. are you hungry? i haven't eaten either; maybe we will laugh together. are you in the past or am i in the future? i've done laundry already, cried earlier today. am i still sobbing for you, dressed in unclean clothes? the washing machine hums. do you love an outdated version of me? could you ever love who i am right now? you can't ever reach me. don't bother trying. this is not a sad story, though. this is the sound of your cutlery scraping on your plate, as i finish the last mouthful. are you still hungry? dinner is soon. we can laugh together.

[lilyimmsim]

i try to trick myself into believing that it's 4am, and the world is still sleeping. the domino effect of birdsong begins to draw near. a neighbour's car thrums up the driveway, headlights dancing on the walls. it's 4am, i tell myself. no one is awake, no one can hurt you. it's 4am. go back to sleep, join the rest of the world for a moment.