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GLP: Get the sounds correct when imitating but not the words — misheard lyrics

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Pretending I’m a tiny gnome staying dry from the rain under a mushroom because of the light from the window makes me feel the way of in between two hedgerows. Low down, under a mushroom. Sitting on a mossy stone. Drinking acorn cupfuls of wine.

Oh. Let’s have a sensory symphony.

I’ve always wanted to do that ⬆️

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Thinking about why I have trouble distinguishing between different people’s voices on the phone, pick out a single person’s voice in a busy room, and have trouble remembering who told me what.

From infancy, my brain has a “file” on every word I have ever heard. Some files are fat: “the”, “me”, “and”. Some files are thin: got sidetracked trying to find the spelling of a word I remember hearing in a spelling bee. It sounded like /kaɲkılieɾəd/.

And that’s an example of how I seem to store every production of a word I ever hear. The way the sounds fit together. The way it can grammatically fit together with other words. Each word has “receptors” that only work with specified other words around them.

I remember feeling drawn to the crisp sounds in German: “sch,” “ß”, “w” as /v/. I still feel so comfortable — no, happy forming them.

When I talk to someone, my brain seems to:

1. Record a whole conversational turn.

2. Break down into sentences.

3. Break down into words.

4. Break down into sounds.

5. Add information acquired from new productions to the language files. Like the X Files but probably not at all really. I did it again. I can’t hear the meaning over the words.

6. Now I have new data points to add to rules about pronunciation, spelling, meanings, and grammatical construction.

7. This all happens instantly and without me thinking about it. What I do have to think about is making sure that I am mirroring the other person’s communication, and a good way to do that is by using the words they use and furthering the conversation by adding more.

8. But my brain does not seem to keep track of where the line is for “on topic” or “off topic.” I’m building with the same words but there is some other meaning that I can’t seem to access.

9. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to see what someone’s facial expression is telling me. I find facial expressions to be hard to distinguish, but when I make a social error and some has a strong reaction, it scares me. It’s like I can’t see faces unless it’s bad. It can take several seconds or more of “staring” at someone to tell if I recognize them or not and who they might be. I feel bad for not knowing who they are, so I’m hesitant to ask.

10. I like it when people who aren’t in my small inner circle remind me who they are when they approach. It helps my brain “set up” for the conversation.

11. If I hear or read: “We need to talk,” “Could you please call me?” “I have to tell you something later,” or the like, I’m filled with anxiety. I can’t prepare for the conversation, so I know I’ll take a long time forming responses, be entirely unable to modulate my tone or emotions, and may melt or shut down entirely, or leave the situation before I do.

12. And then sometimes I get to that situation and the person is like, “I just wanted to tell you that I couldn’t find that hot sauce you like.” Now I still have to craft an emotionally appropriate response that is calm even though my nerves are screaming because I had to be ready for ANYTHING.

13. These things happen fast enough that I’m usually able to come up with something satisfactory to respond with, but it feels like physical exertion in my nervous system. Too many unexpected communication situations and I lose my ability to communicate.

14. I like theatre because I have the words. I have the stage directions and blocking. I can enjoy an interaction with others and be in the moment because I don’t have to constantly check my words for associated physical behaviors that I have minimal or no control over.

15. When I combine words together, my face and body are trying to follow along, but they don’t always match. I don’t notice this, but others do.

I can still hear the different ways I’ve heard words pronounced and used. But because I was expending all my effort to make sure I look and sound “normal,” I can come away from conversations not knowing who I spoke to in any meaningful way. I love being on the stage, whether acting or lecturing. I can call up words I need across languages. I’m filled with fear when I know that back and forth social interaction lies ahead.

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Started learning Russian on Duolingo 3 days ago. Completely new language to me. Stuff I notice.

ш “sh” looks like 山 “shān”

山 means une montagne

La montagne russe means rollercoaster, but it literally translates to “Russian mountain”

щ “SHH” reminds me of letter ش “shin”

Those are both single graphemes for a single phoneme. English “sh” requires two graphemes for the single phoneme. German requires three: “sch.”

Russian has short ш and long щ, which sound slightly different, so they represent different sounds that both fall under the category of “sh” in English. German has short S and long ß (“ss”), but those are pronounced the same. Seems more efficient than writing the double grapheme.

Synaesthetic Cyrillic

Graphemes that occur in the Latin alphabet look pretty much the same as they do in other languages that use it. I’m watching for any differences that may appear as I go.

Graphemes that are new to me

ц dark blue with a silver sheen

ф pine green. Gnarly

л looks like the IPA symbol for “ñ.” “Ñ” is spelled не. Looks like He. Il. Él. Er. Mandarin doesn’t have gendered pronouns. он. Looks like “OH!”

д Dark black.

ж Silver. It’s my dining room table.

ю is kind of an oatmeal color. A slightly more pleasant texture.

з is especially interesting. My synaesthetic experience of the number 3 as being a bit like a green lava lamp is layered with the shiny black smoothness of the /z/ sound. Iridescent and beautiful. ч is similar. Cool blue-greens and teals layered with the vibrant golden orange of “ch”.

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Russ, thank you.

This makes me wonder so many things that I will have to look into.

- What sexual organs do these animals have?

- Are they all sterile?

- What role do hormones play?

- Does it function like human Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome?

- Do they exhibit courting behavior?

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I like to listen to the same YouTube videos over and over. Most of these are reviewers, like AVGN, Rerez, etc. I also like books on tape that I grew up with — “Bring on the Brass” is one I’ve been trying to track down for ages. I usually like something with an upbeat, comedic vibe. Other times I like Forensic Files or science documentaries.

It’s like how other people listen to music. Voices are the music. Repeating what is said feels like singing along. It feels good.

Most people would sing the song. I would sing the jingle.

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Autistic stuff I’m judged for:

• Not looking at people when there is nothing for me to look at. Staring at someone’s face gives me no new information; it’s just one more thing I have to constantly remind myself to do that takes away from me actually listening to them.

• When people tell me the same thing repeatedly and expect a response every time. When I say, “I know,” it’s rude? So I just run through the list of nothing-responses: “Uh-huh. Okay. Wow.” I have to be hypervigilant to make sure I’m responding “correctly” or the person will stop talking and look at me expecting… something. I don’t know what.

• Sudden changes. “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.” I was expecting a weekend of hurkle durkling (means lounging around in bed in the morning instead of getting up right away, but I use it to describe all the things that help me prepare to transition to social situations/demands), but oh dear, the heater won’t turn on. Now I have to find someone to fix it and deal with talking to them and there won’t be peace until it’s over and the maintenance person has left. Not only did I not get the unmasked hurkle durkle time, but there’s another social demand being placed on me.

• Screaming and smacking when someone comes up behind me to put the tag of my shirt in. I used to make it stick out on purpose so it wouldn’t be scratching my neck, but then the feeling of unexpected touch on my neck is painful. Again, “Settle down. I’m just being helpful!” I love tagless clothes.

• I’m a therapist, so peak social performance is expected. Having to mask at that level is extremely exhausting. I always plaster a smile on my face even if I’m holding back vomiting because I don’t want my patient (or more specifically, their family) to be uncomfortable. I do my job well. But in order to do it, I have to brave the small talk like I’m treading through a minefield.

• Sitting in waiting rooms like I’m doing right now. I have to make sure I’m looking normal even though the music is too loud, I’m tired of sitting here, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave. I want to lie on the floor. I can’t.

• Because I can do such a good job masking, no one really understands that I can’t do it all the time. “It can’t be that hard. Everyone is expected to do these things. Everyone does things they don’t want to do sometimes.” Of course. But every waking moment I spend around other people, I have to be perfect to be considered “acceptable.” If I let the mask slip just a little, I’m rude, cold, insensitive (but also too sensitive?), lazy. If “everyone” felt like this in these situations, I don’t think society would be set up the way it is.

• Lack of a social network. “Just put yourself out there and make some friends!” How. Yes, I have managed to figure out that people are expected to make friends, and that the world is set up for people who have connections. But I have never known how to do that. Teacher says, “Get into groups!” Seemingly instantly, there are groups. And me. I ask to join and group says no. I ask next group. No. Look, I don’t even mind doing the academic work for the group. All of it. Just let me join a group before I get in trouble for “not following directions.” Or worse, the teacher has to offer extra credit for a group to take me. Yes. More than once.

• My problems are largely invisible, which to most people means “not their problem,” “nonexistent,” or simply “made up.” No one chooses sensory overload, meltdowns, being judged all the time. I’d love it if instead of “You don’t look autistic,” people would say things like, “Cool. What things do you like to talk about? Don’t worry about making eye contact if you don’t like it.” Just a small amount of compromise in my direction once in awhile would mean everything.

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I had a meltdown. First in awhile. Brief shutdowns this morning. Hearing and processing “everyday conversation” makes my nervous system scream. It’s almost like the sound waves are shaking my auditory nerves like battle ropes, sending shockwaves through my whole body.

Thewordsallstarttoblendtogetheruntilitsnothingbutnoisewhileimtryingtokeeptrackofwhatconversationimin

All of a sudden, I’m overheating. And vomiting.

I yelled. I hate that I yelled.

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Something I think about a lot is how whether or not we have knowledge of it, there is a true answer somewhere out there. All we can do is get as close to it as possible.

Like fires being stoked beside the Pope during the Plague to keep away demons or something but it killed all the fleas that bounced off the rats. (“source”: my memory of a 1996 children’s encyclopedia)

I’m always taking in new information, trying to get my needle to point towards truth.

That’s how I learn language. My brain stores every production of a word in a 4th dimensional filing cabinet.

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Preach it.

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This. If I had a meltdown every time I acted like this trying to prevent a meltdown… I probably would have been diagnosed correctly when I was 3.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the effects I’ve had from masking. Sometimes I hit my sensory limit for the day, and masking physically hurts. It will often start with my face being tired from maintaining a smile. Overheating and muscles contracting. I usually throw up, and when I do, all of my organs are sore.

When that happens, I need to reset, which usually requires stimming followed by sleeping. If I don’t get to reboot, it continues. More… discomfort? Nausea?

There isn’t really a word to describe it exactly. It’s as if I am overly aware of my organs in my body and that’s overstimulating too. Why would my body do that to itself? What are my neurons doing?

I like having a word for everything. I haven’t had words for a lot of these things until recently.

I’m so grateful to know and work with people who are compassionate and understand.

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When I do weird things, I always have a reason. I’m happy to share the reason, if you ask calmly. Huge sudden reactions that I’m not expecting — it doesn’t even have to be yelling, it’s the suddenness — are hard for me to keep up with. When other people are around, knowing that someone’s emotion may dramatically change makes me anxious. Even sudden talking or laughter from silence doesn’t feel good.

Trying to keep track of situations when that happens so I can anticipate it better.

• When I’m working on the computer at the office and someone starts talking to me when I’m not expecting it. I usually scream. I’m fine after I process what’s happening.

• I go somewhere, and there are more people than I was expecting. Or maybe there’s too much noise. Then I’m throwing up. I’m never throwing up anything in particular. My stomach just contracts, and I make a horrible noise. But once it stops, I am instantly okay. Not great, but okay.

• I feel compelled to compensate for… existing? I can learn information. Others’ expectations are information. Why can’t I learn that?

• Everyone has that moment with a bad teacher that sticks with them forever. Mine happened when I was 12. It’s study hall. I am reading. I hear, “Now stop it, or I’ll make you sit next to Limestoner.” The other kids were talking and doing things they weren’t supposed to. This threat was repeated a few times before the class started ended. This woman could have just as easily said, “Now stop it, or you’ll be sitting next to me.” She instead chose to make explicit what I had already been beginning to understand.

• My favorite TV shows and movies have a limited central cast and a routine. A status quo. Being 2D animated also helps. It’s stressful even watching unexpected things happening. I can’t recognize faces well, so I can’t tell people apart, let alone recognize their emotions and thoughts. It feels like watching chaotic confusion, especially with live action, unless I have audio descriptions.

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I’m an in-betweener with a wiener.

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As there are more people, so then there must be more ways to categorize people for simplicity of processing. More types of people.

I’m feeling confident with my STP. So confident that I’ve packed it to walk where people could see me. I’ve worn either baggy shorts or fitted leggings under a long flowy tunic, which hides my bulge from bulging too much.

I’m also enjoying the afterglow. Still amazed that even though my penis itself doesn’t have sensation, I get sensation from having it. Now the way my body can perform sexually matches the way my brain processes information coming from my sexual anatomy.

Now that I think about it, attempting to sexually touch my incomplete “natural” anatomy is a bit like taking off someone’s prosthetic arm to shake hands with them.

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Feels like I’m full of a whirlpool. All of my tissues and organs are doing the wave.

Rowan is being a guard bunny and helping me hold onto the ground.

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I had teenage hormones like anyone might. When I first experienced sexual attraction at 12 and tried to respond to it, it’s like my brain didn’t understand what my body was telling it. I had a couple of books that talked about masturbation and how to do it, but it didn’t seem to fit my body.

From an earlier book when I was about 5, I had learned that penises were a thing.

I said to Mom, “I wish I had boy and girl underwear.”

“…you want panties and y-fronts?”

“No. I want to put on underwear to be a boy or a girl.”

I don’t know that she (or I) really understood what I was saying there. I wanted to be like a paper doll with no gender characteristics unless I opted in. I like being able to opt in for a penis now.

I should have done this years ago. I didn’t mainly because:

Cost was prohibitive. Too expensive on my new grad salary if not absolutely confident.

I didn’t think that I “qualified” because I wasn’t exactly a trans man. No one will understand why someone with my facial features and body shape has a bulge.

And of course, I thought, “What good is “play” if I can’t feel it?”

Well, maybe I can’t directly feel from it, but it’s good enough for my brain. Now my brain understands what my body is telling it. It’s like my brain made a penis map.