liorisnotonfire - Tumblr blog

[liorisnotonfire]

outtake shots of kate bush for the hounds of love album cover (1985) — photographed by john carder bush

[liorisnotonfire]

It’s You, and Only You

Summary: Dan and Phil are frum (religious) Jews who go to an LGBT Jewish Pesach (Passover) retreat and find moments of community after a year of lockdown due to Covid-19.A fic about having a unique, delicate, and maybe uncertain religious and queer identity, but finding home in the person you love. Also about loneliness and confusion, and trying to make life better. Featuring the rare insecure Phil.

Notes: 

Song featured in this fic: YouTube.com/watch?v=G7tAJHt4zbI

Glossary of Jewish Terms: Pesach- the holiday Passover Shul- Synagogue Shidduchim- Traditional Jewish dating (usually setting eligible women and men up for dates) Daven(ing)- Pray(ing) Shmooze- socializing Shiur(im)- Lecture(s) Yarmulke- Jewish head covering traditionally worn by men Seder- literally "order," refers to the Jewish ritual service and ceremonial dinner for the first night or first two nights of Passover Chametz- Foods with leavening agents that Jews are forbidden from owning, eating or benefitting from during the Jewish holiday of Pesach/Passover Kosher - Jewish laws governing food Shabbos- The Jewish Sabbath, a period from Friday night to Saturday night, during which religious Jews refrain from work and using technology Daven- Pray Frum- Religious/ Orthodox Yetziat mitzrayim - Exodus from slavery in Egypt Yiddishkeit- Judaism/Jewish Kavod- Respect Hashem- G-d Yontif- Jewish holidays, during which religious Jews refrain from work and using technology

**************************************************************************************************

“Are you coming?” Dan looked back at Phil.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Phil grunted, his voice cracking softly.

They were parked in front of the cottage they’d be staying in that weekend.

“Not nervous, are we?” Dan asked, smiling slyly.

“What? Why? Stupid.” Phil crooked his brow, then rolled his eyes.

With that, Phil walked ahead of Dan, grabbed his hand, and led him through the cottage door.

They’d been looking forward to this Pesach retreat for awhile: for the opportunity to meet other lgbt religious Jews, to find an actual feeling of community.

Over the pandemic they’d grown apart from their shul community. Friends had moved away to be closer to their families or jobs, and services had only just started up again, outside and requiring masks. Dan wasn’t affected by this particular change, as he had already begun to distance himself from shul in an attempt to avoid questions about shidduchim and suffocating assumptions about his identity. Phil had loved shul, though. He knew everyone there, and loved davening and shmoozing and listening to shiurim. He was able to shrug off questions about dating and though he kept his sexuality mostly private, he still felt confident and proud in his gay identity. Prior to the pandemic, missing a week of shul would have been unfathomable to him. Now, the lack of community had created a growing hole in his heart: a feeling of isolation and loneliness that crept up on him even when Dan sat right beside him. He’d even started to question his place in the religious community these days, as if the isolation had brewed religious insecurity he hadn’t felt before…

They stepped into the cottage and were immediately greeted by their host, Lisa, who showed them to their room. “Long drive, was it? All the way from Golders Green?”

“Thankfully this one’s insistence to listen to exactly one My Chemical Romance song the entire time made it go faster. Except not,” Phil chuckled.

"Hey. I can’t help that I have excellent musical taste,” Dan quipped.

Lisa introduced them to all the other queer Jews here for seder. There’s people here from all over England. Frum Jews like them, with a smattering of rainbow yarmulkes, secular Jews, non-Jewish partners. People are interesting and vibrant. It’s more social than they’ve been the entire pandemic, but it’s good; it’s exactly why they’ve come here. They’re already entrenched in discussions of politics and religiosity, and it’s exhilarating.

Phil looks overwhelmed, though.

“I’m gonna take a small rest before seder,” he mutters to Dan.

“You okay?” Dan asks.

“Yeah,” Phil nods.

Dan nods back, and launches back into conversation with the person next to him, who is sporting a silver glitter yarmulke.

Phil closes the door to the room they’ll be staying in, hoping to find some quiet from the incessant chatter outside. He hasn’t felt this drained in a while, from just 40 minutes of shmoozing. He lies down. He sets an alarm, closes his eyes, and tries to fall asleep. His mind is rattling, though. It had been a year of longing for Jewish community and coping with isolation, and now he's in a home with 20 other people. He isn’t even sure that he is enjoying himself. Maybe he’s forgotten how to connect with people. His mind twists around something one person said: that we should put chametz on the pesach table to be inclusive of everyone’s food needs. He hadn’t responded in protest, but it didn’t sit right. This was supposed to be a fully kosher seder. Did he really have a place here, among liberal Jews? Was he too frum for them, but too gay for his home community?

“Ugh,” he groaned, and placed a pillow over his head.

…

‘Beep beep beep...’ Phil opened his eyes at the sound of his alarm. He hadn’t slept, but he felt a little more charged, maybe. He put on his nice button down shirt for seder and rubbed his tired eyes. Looking in the mirror, he muttered, “good enough.”

Back in the main space, Phil found Dan helping set the table.

“Hi, you,” Dan smiles.

“Hi,” Phil smiles back, a quiet feeling of comfort emerging at seeing his other half.

As they begin the seder, things start to fall back into place for Phil. He’s enjoying a vibrant discussion about the British labour movement, justice and liberation, and yetziat mitzrayim. As the night continues, their singing gets louder and Lisa looks afraid they’ll wake the entire neighborhood up, but they keep going.

"Lecha u’lecha, lecha ki lecha, lecha af lecha, lecha hashem hamamlachah. Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.”

"To You and for You, to You because it’s You, to You and only to You: Yours, G-d, is the kingship. To G-d kingship is fitting, to G-d it will be fitting."

The pandemic hasn’t really changed Dan’s already limited social life, as he’d long felt disconnected from the religious community. It’s moments like these, though, that bring Dan back to what he loves about Yiddishkeit: this feeling of closeness, of comfort, and a real sense of kavod for Hashem.

Their singing becomes louder, and more joyful. Someone is clapping loudly on the table, someone else shouts out “hey!” as they sing.

It sounds like a love song in Dan’s ears. A love song to G-d. His eyes are wide with sincerity; he has chills from the almost romantic quality of the song. He looks into Phil’s warm eyes as they sing, feeling the bond they share: This deep spiritual home they’ve created between the two of them, tied up in their mutual love for Hashem. It really is the most romantic thing, he thinks.

...

After yontif, they get in their car to drive home.

“Well, I think I’ve done enough socializing to last me for another year,” Dan jokes.

“It was interesting,” Phil shares, “I needed that so badly after not having a Jewish community this year,” he says with a frown on his lips.

“But I’m not sure how much I even enjoyed it. Did you notice how much introvert time I needed? But it did give me something, some kind of hopefulness? Like a lost feeling of optimism: that I can have this, that we can have this... queer, Jewish community, you know?’ He paused. “Like we used to have. We need more than just each other, you know?” Phil looks over to Dan.

Dan knows. Dan’s grown enough in their relationship through the years that it doesn't land as a criticism of him, like it might’ve in the past. He’s felt their other supports crumbling down over the past year, and the stress it’s put on them.

“I’m proud of us,” Dan says... “And I think it’ll get better in time.”

Phil smiles softly, “Me too.”

"I wrote you a letter,” Dan says, passing the letter to Phil.

“Lecha u lecha, lecha ki lecha, lecha af lecha... It’s you and it’s for you, it’s you because it’s you, it’s you and only you. My love, thank you for making me so happy. For being my companion in life. As we each figure life out, I thank G-d I have you here beside me...”

There’s something about these ancient words being used to describe how Dan feels about Phil that touches Phil deeply.

He looks into Dan’s eyes.

“I love you,” a tear forming in Phil’s waterline.

Dan winks at his partner’s reaction, though.

“It is a bit ironic, isn’t it, how we do need more than each other… yet how you are the only one for me,” Dan says joveley, a cheeky grin widening across his face.

There’s a feeling of being inspired and mobilized to create the community and life that is right for them. Phil puts his hands on the wheel, ready to drive home.

Humming softly to himself, he mutters:

“Lecha u’lecha, lecha ki lecha, lecha af lecha...”

“To You and for You, to You because it’s You, to You and only to You...”

Dan hums along.

[liorisnotonfire]

Is there maybe room in your temporal lobe?

[liorisnotonfire]

x

[liorisnotonfire]

I’d really like someone to write a fic about how Phil reacted to Dan’s experience with YouTube Originals and “Dan is not okay.” Both Dan and Phil have put so much into YouTube and clearly experience it and life differently (and Phil generally seems to have portrayed having fairly stable mental health and ease in creating regular YT content etc) but it has to have been heartbreaking for Phil too. I just think there’s so much that could be explored here, about mental health & being agreeable vs. honest and bold…. Also I’m sad and mad on Dan’s behalf and want his YTO to be in existence. And I want to see fictional Phil be mad too. Lol. Rant over 😭😭🥺🥺🥺

[liorisnotonfire]

For any Jewish Heartstopper lovers, I made this phone screensaver based on Charlie’s phone in Heartstopper 😄 it’s the translation the Hebrew subtitles showed of the screensaver. I thought it was pretty funny how they translated “gay panic” into “geey panica” ☺️🤗

[liorisnotonfire]

thanksgiving is a holiday based on a falsified narrative full of white guilt and the erasure of history so what are some good native organizations to donate to this coming thursday

[liorisnotonfire]

rt if dan is important to you

[liorisnotonfire]

halachically gay though?

[liorisnotonfire]

lol (?) @ my brain for determining that every stimulus is evidence that I am alone & sad and will be alone & sad forever.

*sees two people having a conversation outside* ahh yes, human love and connection, can’t relate to that, must not be deserving of that ever

[liorisnotonfire]

S/o to my phone for automatically suggesting ‘halachically’ as I started to type ‘halloween.’ Yaas frum phone keep me in line.

[liorisnotonfire]

this is just a part time after school gig, but I went well!! the kids were v sweet

first day teaching today. I am so nervous. I wrote a literal script for everything im planning to say (including taking attendance, lol.) let’s hope none of the students say something that’s not on the script. then I might just stare back blankly (jk...) well, anxious, shy me is going to do this!!!

[liorisnotonfire]

first day teaching today. I am so nervous. I wrote a literal script for everything im planning to say (including taking attendance, lol.) let’s hope none of the students say something that’s not on the script. then I might just stare back blankly (jk...) well, anxious, shy me is going to do this!!!

[liorisnotonfire]

We used this reference sheet a lot for our white supremacy culture presentation and I still think about it a lot. The things listed aren’t necessarily bad in themselves, but when they are assumed to be the default values and always prioritized over other ways it contributes to the culture of white supremacy

[liorisnotonfire]

I just had a dream that YouTuber Phil Lester was my grandpa and a rav, and he was 103 years old and I had to tell him I loved him and how sad I was that he probably wouldn’t meet my future grandchildren (because I had just realized he probably wouldn’t live so much longer), and the whole time people kept coming in to interrupt with shailas because it was almost Yom Kippur break fast and apparently people had questions!

[liorisnotonfire]

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

[liorisnotonfire]