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[living-up-to-my-daydreams]

Does anyone else get a big urge to run away around January? Every year it’s the same thing. I get a ton of energy, and I just want to stay up late and look up at the stars, and maybe also buy a random toy I think will bring me happiness. And then I start feeling restless, and I start looking at plane ticket prices, and begin to feel more and more trapped in my house/city/country. But then all my energy disappears, and I am left feeling exhausted and trapped and usually end up laying on my bedroom floor listening to sad music lol.

[living-up-to-my-daydreams]

Fangirling again

After watching camp rock two with my friend for the first tine in years, I have accidentally re-kindled my minor obsession with Nick Jonas. But like, specifically young nick jonas. I spent like three days scrolling through tiktok and tumblr posts about him. Honestly don’t know why I thought that would help get it out of my system because I am if anything more enamored. 

[living-up-to-my-daydreams]

Oops!

I forgot I had this blog! I think maybe I’ll use school starting tomorrow as a fresh start! Not that anything super interesting is going to happen, it is online school after all.

[living-up-to-my-daydreams]

I had a crazy dream last night. I was kidnapped, and I escaped onto a train, but all I can think about was this one part where this guy flirted with me. 

It was Paiges ex, Holton. He is a year younger than us, so a sophmore. I like guys older than me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see that he’s attractive. He has these strong eyebrows, that like look a bit angry (In a hot way), and he has really nice cheekbones. I don’t know, in my dream he was just really forward and clearly into me, and it made me so giddy. I was sitting on the train next to him, telling him about how I escaped, and he leaned towards me and wrapped his arm around me (Also in this dream I was thin) and it was so warm and comforting.

When I woke up I was super happy, but I didn’t remember the dream. I felt wanted and pretty, and then I was brushing my teeth and I looked in the mirror, and I remembered my dream and I was like “Fuck! It was just a dream..” and I got sad because I’m not actually wanted. :P

[living-up-to-my-daydreams]

The Party

On friday I went to Sophie’s party, which was fun for most of it. Can I even call it a party? Probably not, it was only like 9 people. I wish there had been more, because I pulled out all the stops. I shaved, washed my hair with my good conditioner, and picked out a shirt that made me look busty but not big. It was just people from our group, and Sophie’s Stoner friend. At first it was really fun. I played Harry in foosball and KICKED ASS but then lost a different game once I teamed up with Samuel.

Then came the booz! I had some bud lights, then vodka. I had probably like 6 shots and 2 beers, which isn’t a lot for me because I’m chubby. I was pouring myself vodka, and I look over at Harry and see he filled up his entire red solo cup with vodka! I looked over to a different cup, and tell him “Pour that shit out!” but when I looked back at him I saw that he’d already drank the whole cup. Pretty soon he was a nightmare. Drunk Harry is terrible. He doesn’t listen, and that freaked me out a ton for some reason. I don’t know, lack of person space and listening is just a scary combo.

Sophie whipped out a joint, which Harry really wanted, but Sophie and I decided that he was already terrible as it was, so he shouldn’t have weed. Emma had some, but she said it made her nauseous. Sophie and I ended up having most of it, until an insistent Harry hit Sophie’s arm in an attempt to get the weed, and the joint fell into a puddle. Honestly fuck Harry. I took probably 7 or 8 hits total, and it was great! I’ve never been crossed before, and honestly it’s the way to go. I had the awakeness and socialness of being drunk and the heavy headedness and giggles of being high.

I remember everything, but not chronologically, so I'm not going to try to remember the right times.

Samuel told me he loves me as a friend, and I said “I love you as a friend too, buddy.” (but secretly I was annoyed because I thought maybe he thought I liked him) and then we talked about Ali and how much we love her, and how utterly beautiful she is. Then Ben wanted him, Hannah, and me to share our darkest secret. He said something like “I am really insecure about my masculinity and I feel like if I show affection I’ll look needy.” and in my head I was like “Yeah Ben, I know,” but instead I was super nice and gave him a hug. Then I was like, “I’m worried no one is ever gonna be attracted to me and I’ll be alone,” and he told me I was really pretty, which made me feel good (but also felt a bit like one of those things you say to your ugly friend). Hannah also told me I was beautiful and that I had a cute nose, and that she was insecure about her body. It was a feel good convo. Theo came out to me as gay and Harry came out to me as bi, which is kind of sad that they did it drunk. Obvi I wont judge considering I’m bi, but it sucks that they didn’t do it in a good headspace.

And then it went to shit. Theo, Harry, and Sophie were throwing the fuck up. Actually Harry passed out (and maybe shit his pants, I couldn’t tell but I’m pretty sure). It was shitty. It was Theo’s first time drinking outside of family celebrations, and he spent most of the night resting his face on the toilet seat. Sophie lay down on the floor and threw up so, so much. She was like resting in a puddle of vomit. Emma cleaned it up while I took Sophie to the other bathroom. She threw up in the toilet first, but then fell asleep and I turned her on her side so she wouldn’t choke. She kept talking about how gross she was and how it was her fault her friends from rehab tried to kill herself in front of her. I tried to comfort her but I’m not good at that kinda thing. Ben is dating Sophie so I had him keep her company for while, but then they had a conversation and both started crying (he was as drunk as me) so I told him to go take a break and I went to be with her. I put towels over her and she started shaking because she was so cold. I started spooning her because she was incapable of making her own body heat. So we just cuddled for a few hours, and I avoided her vomit puddles. 

I woke up at 5 and my shoulder hurt soooo bad from laying on the bathroom floor. I tried to adjust, but I woke her up. She was finally able to get up so, she and Ben (who had been sleeping on the floor by the couch) went upstairs to sleep in an actual bed. I moved onto the couch by Hannah and Samuels feet, which didn’t feel as pathetic as it sounds. I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:45. Harry and his exchange student Marta had to leave at 7:30, and I felt bad but also found it funny that Chris had to drive or fly to San Francisco super hungover. I mean come on man, what the hell did you expect? 

Hannah, Emma and Theo woke up and we talked about the party. Ben and Sophie came downstairs, and I texted my dad to pick me up. Ben and I bonded over not being hungover, but then I stood up and my head hurt like a bitch! But it went away fast so it wasn’t a big issue. Anyway, then I went home, and I grabbed two oreos for the way back

It was still fun, but man, what a shit show.