livvyffxiv

[livvyffxiv]

My Story of being hurt mentally and emotionally

So before I begin. I will take the time to apologize if this is in the wrong section. I would also like to bring up now that this story doesn't exactly have a happy ending as of right now. I also want to address for people who might be sensitive to this topic, it's about a break up, and gender identity. The reason why I'm posting this in the FFXIV section is because these feelings are kinda bottled up for me, and it revolves around final fantasy. I feel like getting my thoughts into words and sharing this story instead of holding it to myself might... idk... find better self help for myself? Either way I can totally understand if this gets deleted, but this was my warning before I dive deep into this long story. I also will not be giving out names of my characters, or the person involved in this story to maintain both of our safety.

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My name is Olivia. I really don't like talking about this and I know I'm essentially "outing" myself here which I absolutely hate to do but it's totally appropriate to this story to give you the full jist of things. I can't possibly leave this out without any understanding the pain I've been through. So to get back to the point quickly, as I was saying, I'm Olivia, and I'm a transgender (MtF) person. I've been playing this game, Final Fantasy XIV, and I'm not new to the online dating scene. I've dated before online through games and other platforms. Usually ending terribly, but none the less I've done it.

I met this guy on Final Fantasy who randomly joined our FC. He was charming and nice, and we started talking. We spent most of the day together for a course of 3 weeks. Eventually later he brought me to a cute spot in the game (https://i.gyazo.com/416994d14694443a1d251820798ca395.jpg) where he confessed his feelings to me. I told him that I can't do anything until I address the fact that I was transgender. Obviously, it's wrong to go into ANY sort of relationship without telling someone the truth. So that's what I did.

He told me he didn't care and that he loved me for who I was, which I have to admit I started crying immediately because I've been ridiculed and harassed before and in-person about my gender, and even to this day I still get harassed in public for the way I look, or if I get "found out". We did everything together. We even got married in-game (https://i.gyazo.com/8b3163e7ab6fed1ec0069f272bac97b9.jpg). My FC came together and contributed gil to buy a house together. I was the "lease holder" so to speak, so even though he put everything in the house and decorated, I technically "owned" the house. Not that it mattered. We did everything together. We would always try to help each other out in-game and outside. I gave him help based on anything he wanted to know, like how to re-build your credit score from down low. Or how to program in Python or teach him an actual college course in HTML for free to get you started learning decent web design and fundamentals of setting up a website. He also helped me boost my self-confidence by helping me learn how to tank (in-game) and trying to keep me on voice chat longer and longer until I was comfortable talking to him, and in turn be comfortable talking to people in public the way my voice should reflect my gender.

Three months down the line, I was going through a crisis because my vehicle was failing emissions test (check engine is on, and inspection is due which means if it fails, no registration for the vehicle, meaning you can't drive it without going to jail). I get a message from him saying hey I need to talk to you for a second. I told him I couldn't because I was panicking and trying to fix things with my vehicle, so I don't lose registration, but If he wants to talk I can either read it or talk over voice right now. He said no, and then waited until later and changed his mind and then proceeded to leave me a text message of him breaking up with me after 3 months because he couldn't get over the fact that I was transgender. For 3 months he knew full well, and we talked daily over voice for DAYS. He never once mentioned it, or brought it up, just did it right there on the spot. He said "even though you are a female, I can't get over the fact that your DNA make-up will always be a guy, and I know I personally can't deal with it like I said I would. I just felt like I was doing you a favor by trying at least."

This ruined me personally. I'm already dealing with the discomfort of my own body, the feeling that I'll never fit in, and that I'll be judged every time I walk out the door. The only one giving me the confidence was the one person now saying they are breaking me up for the exact reasons why I'm scared of living my life out right now. Coming from the one person who I thought cared the most, and the one I put most of my faith I ever could possibly put in someone. I ended up self-destructing. I refused to leave my room. I spent nights crying myself to sleep. Refusing to eat. It was almost a solid week of me starving myself before I ate anything. Then I started acting out harmful situations by getting in my vehicle and driving as fast as I possibly could on a narrow road covered in forest in hopes I'd lose control and just end everything.

I decided that I needed help, and I needed to snap out of it. So, I talked to my therapist and got an emergency appointment set up. My therapist immediately wanted me committed to a mental hospital. "Olivia the only reason why I can't FORCE you into a mental hospital right now is because you told me if I asked you to go home, you would, and that you don't have medicine in your house that you can overdose on. That's the ONLY thing stopping me from having you put in a psychiatric hospital." I was told that before work, If I don't come in the VERY next day to talk to her, that she was going to then force someone into the office and have me evaluated immediately on the spot. So, I obliged. However, I was still feeling suicidal and planned on going through with it. The only thing that stopped me was my brother, who I haven’t seen for years come pull me aside from the house and take me on a night to get dunkin donuts coffee and sit in his car and talk things out and catch up, and explain everything of how I've been feeling, and things he's been through. Stuff that really brought me closer to my brother than I thought I'd ever be before.

The story however doesn't end here. There is no exact happy ending here, because this is where I ****ed up.

A few months after getting over him, I managed to bump into him again. I did something and joined the same FC he did because I didn't feel like I belonged in the one I was currently in, and yeah, I did want to get closer because I missed him, and, I wanted the opportunity to make new friends. He started talking to me and we became "friends".

I'm going to jump forward a few more months because the stuff in between is irrelevant because nothing serious happened. I was smart enough to keep my distance, even though I did have set backs and did occasionally fight with him, but nothing STUPIDLY terrible, besides the fact of trusting him in the first place.

He later apologized for everything and came to me one night and said I want to try again. "I feel like you are the only one who really understands me and the one I mostly bonded with". Later on, then was said "In 3 months I'm going to buy a plane ticket, so we can visit each other, but right here right now I'm going to put my foot down, and stay away as long as it takes just to say Olivia [Redacted Marriage name], please come back home..." I said no. Not until he proved to me that he has totally changed and is willing to accept that he would be okay with dating me and can let go of my "DNA make-up". He promised his hardest.

Of course, I fell for it. I jumped right in. I left all the things that said he was an a****** and to not trust him, go. I was too quickly willing to take him entirely back. Just waiting for him to show me he cared. Later his "promise" turned into "I know you said no initially, and you have your reasons for wanting to take your time with this, but Valentine's days is right around the corner, and we are both technically single. Does it mean I'm going to try? Absolutely but I'm not tied down to this because it wasn't a commitment but a chase to the goal line". This was a ploy to really say I'll work things out with you but if something comes up in-between, I'm going with that.

On valentine's day. He messages me and says "Hey happy valentine's day! Do want to go to my wedding with this girl I've been talking to? I'm on the fence about dating her, I only want her as a friend, but actually we might take this seriously". The entire time he's been making promises with me to work things out and fix things, he was talking to some other girl. I broke down on my way home that I refused to go home and stayed at a beach and cried in my car for an hour or two before I decided to come home and then tell him how I felt about how destroyed I felt when he promised all these things to me. He thought I was personally attacking him and didn't respond to any of the key things of how I felt.

For days he hasn't responded until I just told him outright that I'm done. I'm leaving the FC, probably the game to because he killed whatever feelings I had left for him, and the game that I enjoyed, and that it was a mistake to trust him again. It was very clear he only cared about himself.

The so-called girl he was on the fence with, he still married to her regardless, and she even has his last name in-game. The so-called girl that he said he wanted her just as a friend but was on the fence about dating.

The lesson to be learned here, as much as I can't even take my own advice, is that you should love yourself for who you are, because only you can make yourself truly happy, and when you find happiness yourself, put your love into someone who respects you for who you are. Do not allow yourself to settle for anything less, and once you are out, don't think twice about going back.