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bad days, dear bad days.

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✒️ words of wisdom.

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dysregulated nervous system.

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survival mode.

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I did something today. It's not much..

But I did something today.

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we live for the first time, so be kind to ourselves ok?

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I don't like men.

I like them, but not in a romantic way. I don't like women either in that way. I don't have any desire to be living accompanied by any of them if I can be honest with you.

Someone one day said that they want to see me falls in love. To be honest, I also want to see myself get into the same state, but not with others, it's none other than myself. I want to be able to feel enough and grateful for whatever it is that's been settled upon me.

I don't want to have that bitter feelings where I get affected badly by the comments who're not true about me, or even see myself in that state where I was deeply lost in depression and anxiety.

I used to think I'm not the main character in anybody's story.

It's true..

I'm the main character in my own life story.

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I care about my needs. I care about my health. I am intentional about the people I love. I tend to myself first. I am compassionate towards myself first. I lift myself up. I am here for myself.

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I took the text from Frankenstein: A New Musical

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I hope you know that it's better late then never.

You deserve it, trust me.

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I want to draw. I want to paint. I want to sew. I want to quilt. I want to program. I want write. I want to decorate. I want to converse. I want to love. I want to make art. I want everything that humanity can give me. I want to swallow the world whole. I want to love.

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Now I understand, I won't held myself all high and mighty anymore. I think I'll choose to break down, be hurt, and cry immediately as soon as I feel the things that truly hurt me.

It's a part of communication, it's a part of creating a bond in a relationship. It's a part of recreating sparks that was once been dulled by the mundanes. It's form of a cycle, and yes, it's needed and necessary.

The cycle of life, the ego death, shadow works, whatever the names and labels are, it's something that is needed to be embraced and held, healed.

It's sad, more like I was sad when I realized it had to happen in ways that to me felt peculiar and seemed rather deviated. It doesn't seem great, not even good, it's weird. The guilt and regrets for not being present for oneself is truly devastating, and it's truly depressing to be condemned in shame, placed in humiliation.

Of course I wish I could've processed this sooner and tried my best, but again.. I'm not the one who owns the pen, I'm limited and could only do what I supposedly can.

—on forgiving myself.

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Aku rindu dan sangat merindu.

Aku rindu dengan diriku yang menjadikan-Mu tempat berlabuh. Aku rindu malam-malam panjang bercerita tentang bagaimana suasana hatiku pada-Mu. Bukan berarti sekarang aku tidak begitu, tapi sebab dosa-dosa mengalihkan pandanganku dari-Mu, aku memilih lari dan menjauh akibat luka-luka yang sebelumnya belum terbasuh. Aku mencari sesuatu yang hanya terbatas padaku.

Aku rindu dan sangat merindu. Aku ingin tenggelam dalam taat, dalam sujud-sujud yang panjang, dalam dzikir-dzikir yang basah, dalam dan hanya dalam sempurnanya iman dan takwa, tunduk dan taat, kembali dalam taubat. Aku lelah merasakan putus asa, sakit di badan sampai ke tulang-belulang, sakitnya membelengguku dalam pikiran.

Aku rindu dan sangat merindu. Aku merindukan perasaan yang hanya tertuju pada-Mu, perilaku-perilaku yang bersebab mengharapkan ridho-Mu, niat-niat yang terbentang karena merindukan pertemuan dengan-Mu.

Pertemukan aku dengan-Mu Ya Rabb, dalam sebaik-baik taubat, dalam sebaik-baik cara.

Al-Imam An-Nawawi rahimahullah berkata:

لو تكرر الذنب مائة مرة أو ألف مرة أو أكثر , وتاب في كل مرة : قبلت توبته , وسقطت ذنوبه , ولو تاب عن الجميع توبة واحدة بعد جميعها : صحت توبته

"Seandainya dosa itu berulang seratus kali atau seribu kali, bahkan lebih, lantas pelakunya selalu bertobat setiap kali melakukan dosa, niscaya akan diterima tobatnya. Akan gugur dosa-dosanya. Seandainya ia bertobat dari semua dosanya dengan satu kali tobat saja setelah semua dosanya; tetap sah tobatnya."

Syarh Shahih Muslim, 17/75

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I've been seeing that quote go around and while making this I think I managed to track it back to "An Oresteia" by Anne Carson