lkblackham

[lkblackham]

@kirain did a follow up to this fic, based on my comic No Time To Apologize!!! I'm so psyched!!

@lkblackham I wanted to write a little follow up for the fic I wrote here.

I hope you enjoy it! TwT

The Fade bled.

Emmrich ran through the twisted, ever-changing landscape, his breath ragged, heart drumming in his ears. The air shimmered, warped by fear and magic, and the sky above pulsed like a dying star. In the distance, he saw her—Atash.

She was weeping.

He shouted her name, legs burning as he sprinted across the ground, which shifted like sand beneath his boots. Shadows tore at her from all sides—monstrous things with no faces, only claws, teeth, and endless, echoing laughter. One by one, the creatures latched on, rending her spirit, until her body flickered like a broken mirror—shattered, pulled apart by the Fade itself.

"No—no, Atash!" he cried, reaching out.

But his fingers met only smoke.

She was gone.

-----

Emmrich jolted awake with a gasp, nearly choking on it. His chest heaved, and sweat matted his hair to his brow. Eyes wide, wild, he barely registered the hands that landed on his shoulders.

"Emmrich," came a soft voice. "It's all right."

He screamed.

Thrashing in panic, he tried to throw off whoever was touching him—but the hands held firm, patient.

"Emmrich, it's Neve," she whispered. "You're safe. You're with us."

"Atash!" he cried. "She—she isn't safe!"

"She's not here, but she's not in danger. We're going to find her. Remember?"

His breath stuttered. Slowly, as if he'd nearly drowned, he blinked and focused. Neve's face came into view—calm, steady, eyes brimming with compassion.

Behind her, a tall, solemn silhouette leaned against the wall: Taash. They hadn't left after laying him down. Arms crossed, jaw tight with worry, they stood vigil.

"You're in your room," Neve murmured, carefully guiding him back against the pillows. "You collapsed."

Emmrich winced. "Collapsed?" His voice rasped like scraped stone.

Taash scowled. "Because you're stupid. And pushing yourself too hard."

He tried to sit up, guilt rising with him. "I'm sorr—"

"Don't," Taash snapped, stepping closer. "If you're sorry, you'll stay in this damn bed."

Emmrich shook his head, glancing at his desk. "I have to get back to my research. If we're going to save Atash—"

He pushed himself up, arms shaking with the effort—but Taash caught his shoulder.

"Lie down," they growled.

His body gave out immediately. With a groan, he slumped back, eyes squeezing shut as pain lanced through every limb and muscle.

Taash reeled back, horrified. "Shit—did I hurt you?"

"N-no..." Emmrich whimpered. "I can't. Not now..."

"What?" Taash barked, confused. "What's going on—what's wrong?"

Neve leaned in, her hand gliding to Emmrich's forehead.

She frowned.

"He's burning up."

Taash's eyes widened. "He's sick?"

"Not with illness. Stress, more like."

Neve closed her eyes briefly, mumbled something in Tevene, and when she touched him again, her hand was cold as ice. Emmrich sighed in relief, the tension melting as her palm came to rest against his brow.

Then the room fell quiet—save for his slow, laboured breathing.

A long moment passed.

"...I'm sorry," Taash muttered. Their arms folded again, but their posture was less daunting. "I didn't mean to start that argument downstairs. I just—"

"It's all right..." Emmrich said hoarsely. He didn't open his eyes. "I also behaved poorly. I shouldn't have. I'm just... so damn scared for her."

"We all are," Neve said, her voice like flowing water. "But if you don't rest, you'll be no use to her—or to anyone."

Emmrich swallowed, his next words slurred. "I drew up... plans. Ugh... to pierce the Veil. Neve, would you... take a look?"

"I did." Her lips quirked in a small, proud smile. "They're brilliant. I've already asked Davrin to start smithing the dagger. Once you're better, you and I can try infusing it with magic."

"Thank you. We'll need... lyrium, and—"

He didn't finish, breath soft and shallow as sleep claimed him once more.

Neve didn't move, her hand still gently pressed to his forehead, her eyes heavy.

"We have to get Rook back," Taash warned, turning away. "Before he kills himself looking for her."

Neve didn't hesitate.

"We have to," she repeated. "And we will."

-----

Warmth.

That was the first thing Emmrich noticed when he stirred hours later—a real, solid warmth pressed against his side. Not the feverish kind that had wracked his body earlier, but something natural and soothing. He cracked his eyes open, his vision hazy, and was greeted by a sea of feathers.

Assan.

The baby griffin lay sprawled across the bed beside him, his downy chest rising and falling in deep, contented sleep. One clawed foot twitched occasionally, and his beak parted slightly with a snore, but his wing hugged Emmrich like a blanket. The older man flushed, stunned by the comfort of it.

Then he sensed another presence.

Manfred stood by the bed like a silent sentinel, one skeletal hand outstretched, holding a cup of water. His bones had been polished recently—Neve's doing, no doubt—and the wisp that bound him glowed faintly at the joints.

"He's been fussing over you for hours," a voice said.

"...Neve?" Emmrich rasped.

She nodded, seated at the desk on the far side of the room with a half-dozen ink-stained diagrams spread across its surface. After a moment, she stood and walked to the bed, then helped him sit upright. His muscles protested—weak and sore, though no longer searing.

"Thank you..." he panted. "And I'm so very sorry, Manfred. I've... neglected you these past few days."

"Drink," the skeleton squeaked, as though he understood.

Emmrich managed a small smile and accepted the cup. The water hit his throat like a balm—cool, clean, and so vitally needed that he drained the cup in one go.

"I... didn't realise how thirsty I was," he admitted, voice still strained but no longer fraying.

"That's a signal from your body—that you're overdoing it."

The door creaked open.

Taash strode in first, followed by Lucanis. Both of them halted mid-step when they saw the older man awake and sitting against the headboard.

"Oh, about time," Taash huffed, striding over. "How're you feeling?"

He hesitated. Atash was still gone, but—

"...Better."

Neve leaned in and pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. "Fever's broken," she confirmed, relieved.

"Good," Taash said, gesturing to Lucanis. He stepped forward and eased a bowl into Emmrich's lap. "Because you need to eat."

Emmrich's pupils dilated. Roasted sweet potato salad—golden chunks tossed with herbs, goat's cheese, leeks, spinach, pomegranate arils, pecans, and pumpkin seeds. Steam curled off the top, teasing his nose and tickling his taste buds.

"I... can't remember the last time I ate."

Lucanis gave a wry shrug. "We figured as much."

Before Emmrich could take a bite, the door slid open once more. Davrin entered, cradling something swaddled in cloth as gently as a newborn babe.

"Ah! You're up," he beamed, stepping closer and unwrapping the bundle to reveal a lyrium-threaded dagger—rough, but unmistakably shaped to match Emmrich's sketches.

"Your designs are incredible," he said excitedly. "This is a prototype. It'll still take a few days to perfect, and I don't want to use full lyrium until you're there to monitor it, but I swear on my honour as a Warden—I won't stop until it's an exact replica."

Emmrich opened his mouth to speak, but Taash raised a hand.

"No. No talking about daggers. Or gods. Or the Fade. Not until he eats."

Davrin paused. "Right. Sorry."

Chastened silence settled over the room as Taash glared at him like a scolding parent.

Slowly, Emmrich picked up a fork and took a bite. It was delicious—sweet and tangy, with hints of sage and garlic. It felt like bliss in his belly, like coming back to himself one bite at a time.

He looked down at Assan, still snoozing against his leg, then to Manfred, his emerald gems gleaming. Neve was seated again but watching closely. Taash stood with arms crossed but no longer scowling. Lucanis encouraged him to eat more. And Davrin clutched the prototype with an air of confidence.

Tears welled in Emmrich's eyes.

"Thank you..." he sobbed. "Thank you."

They all smiled.

"We'll get her back, Emmrich. For now, just rest."

[lkblackham]

This takes place after the events of Veilguard in my lil HC universe, when everyone is kind of 'in transition' with their responsibilities and still often crash at the Lighthouse. Atash and Emmrich continue to live there for a while after they find out she's pregnant, while they get their living situation and marriage arrangements all figured out. Someday I WILL actually write that fic.

Additional Context, in case you haven't read every single entry of the codex (perfectly understandable, I'm just a compulsive lore collector and Veilguard's got some really good stuff about the team's private lives and dynamics):

This dish is Apple Butter Noodles, as invented by Lace Harding and then made by Bellara at the end of the game (if Harding dies). Harding is an inventive and terrible cook. We love her for it.

Okay, back to my thesis and No Time To Apologize. I just had this wiggling around in my head for a while and wanted to see if I could get it all out in a day as therapy for my drawing anxiety. It's super sketchy but I think it might be my favorite thing I've done so far.

[lkblackham]

Why My OC Sucks

Tagged by @dragonracer. Thanks! I've been seeing this go around and have been pretty fascinated by it.

I think one of the most difficult parts of writing a character - or just a story in general - is that urge to make them your idea of ideal, essentially making them into the person you wish you were or wish you had in your life. Of course, perfect doesn't exist, and consistently morally good characters are certainly not a bad thing, but if you want to tell a good story you need to let characters be human and deal with conflict.

Okay, lecture over, let's see why my Rook, Atash, sucks:

(I found the best RBF pic I could. I eventually fixed her eyebrows to look less like Cruella de Vil.)

Fully Internalizes Big Feelings

Several decades of therapy have taught me that it's one thing to not make your problems other people's problems, and another thing to feel like you shouldn't show any big or "difficult" feelings to anyone, ever, ever ever, even when they're tearing you up and you can barely even function.

Atash's mother, Nazay, broke from the Qun as a young woman, and completely disavowed any attachment to it, but you can't just leave behind the way you were raised. It's something you have to consistently and consciously work on. It shows up in the little things as well as big. And in Nazay's case, she - with nothing but good, loving intentions - taught Atash to put herself and her strengths to serve others, as the Qun had taught her. This, in and of itself, is not a bad quality at all. In fact, it's even admirable. But anything pushed too far can turn poisonous, as the spirits and demons of the Fade demonstrate.

In putting herself to service, Atash was also taught not to burden anyone needlessly. This was particularly reinforced growing up as one of 15 kids being raised by her mother. While she was her mother's one biological child, this meant she received even less special treatment, not more, as Nazay did not want any of her children to think Atash was the "favorite". Again, good intentions, maybe not the greatest execution. Atash learned that her feelings always had to take a back seat to everyone else's, and if she ever acted out (as kids often do) she received particularly harsh punishment. She was told over and over that she needed to be a protector and example to those who were smaller and weaker than her, that her big strong body and magic abilities were meant to fill an important role in her family and community. Getting angry, being upset, that was selfish and wrong and made everyone else's life harder. So she had to keep it to herself and handle it in private.

But, as anyone who has ever had feelings knows, that doesn't just go away because you tell it to. Atash got very very good at masking her feelings and putting on a smile, but those big bad feelings remained, bottling up in her heart. When they became too much, she would have terrible panic attacks, and (as a teen) violent losses of temper. When her mother died, Atash completely lost herself, numbing her pain with booze and adrenaline on more and more dangerous Lords expeditions. This eventually became a danger not only to her own safety but those of her crew. Isabela finally sat her down (wrestled her to the ground and pinned her with a foot to the chest) and made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that unless she got her drinking under control and took care of her grief, she was going to be booted from the Lords. Deeply shamed, but surrounded by supportive family and friends, Atash did climb out of the hole she had dug - but only when she was told it was making everyone's lives harder, not because she deserved to be happy and healthy.

Being leader of the Veilguard has been both the worst possible thing for this mentality and also somehow the best possible therapy.

Manipulative/"Selfish Compassion"?

This has gotten better as she's grown, but internalizing big bad feelings has led Atash to take it really really hard whenever she perceives that she has failed - especially when it affects other people. This isn't just in seeing her teammates dying because of an order she gave, but in seeing that someone she's supposed to take care of is upset or sick or just feeling "kind of off". As a young Lords captain, she was constantly worrying and trying to fix all her teammates' problems so that they would always be happy all the time (because, again, Bad Feelings Are Bad Always) , which drove a few to quit. This was only partly out of altruism - she just felt really uncomfortable when people showed big feelings and wanted them to stop, so she could feel better.

She eventually gained enough self awareness to recognize the issue and learn that Bad Feelings Aren't Actually Bad Always, and she often just needed to step back and listen. She still has to suppress the mighty urge to jump in and immediately fix people's problems rather than just let them process and figure things out, but she's slowly learning to be okay with being uncomfortable sometimes and not take it so personally. People need to feel sad or angry or "a little off" sometimes and that is okay.

People Pleaser

Further to the above issue, Atash has a tendency to go overboard with keeping people happy in order to protect herself. As a Qunari, she has had to deal with a lot of racist bullshit from inlanders and learned that the best protection from this was to be as disarmingly happy, peppy, obedient and agreeable as possible, to not appear as a threat. She is genuinely an extrovert who really likes people in general, but she also wraps herself in this quality like armor. She avoids conflict like the plague. There's a big difference between being nice and "being nice", and Atash often goes back and forth over that line in her efforts to get people to like her - or, at least, not spit on her. She has lost a few friendships over this, being completely unwilling to face issues in the relationship or stand up for them when they needed her. She, of course, took those losses hard, and is doing her best to catch herself when she's just "being nice", but it's hard and she's still got a ways to go.

***

Wow, that was a lot. I only did three things because I'm very tired, but these are by no means Atash's only flaws, just the biggest ones.

That was actually really therapeutic! Thanks for tagging me. Once again, most people I know have already done this, so once again AGAIN - I am tagging my sibling @medeaplays.

[lkblackham]

#GBBO literally got me through college

I know that some British people take umbrage at Americans calling the Great British Bake Off relaxing, but it's just because GBBO is such a different kind of stressful from American baking shows.

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

Meanwhile GBBO is in a lovely, brightly colored tent, there are delightful and friendly hosts/jesters there to keep everyone entertained, and all of the B Roll is of like... a bumblebee going into a flower, or a lamb running in a field. And yes, there will be moments where someone will mess up their timing or something, and they'll be looking at their bake through the oven door like, "oh gosh I don't think this will rise in time!" Then they stand up to find Paul Hollywood directly behind them ominously. His creepy whitewalker eyes will glow white, and he'll say something like "the 12th of June. 2035. Drowning." And his eyes will go back to normal and he'll walk away. Then the baker gives a playful grimace to the camera and says "that didnt sound great, did it?". Cut to a sweet looking older woman sipping tea on a stool and she says "oo I do hope that Prue enjoys the taste of my sugary, sticky baps!". Then, at the end, someone gets a gold star for doing good, and the loser of the episode gets in the middle of a giant group hug. You see all of them at the end of the series at a giant carnival with their families and the post credits informs you that all of the contestants have become a Partridge Family-style traveling band and stayed friends forever.

[lkblackham]

new hc: emmrich cannot handle spice. at all. he has an impressive pallate and is a passable cook, but this man has the spice tolerance of a traslucent victorian child. sometimes pepper is too much for him. the first time lucanis makes a spicy meal for taash the spice is by FAR too much for him and he goes red from the collar up and starts sweating immediately

[lkblackham]

OC-Core Pinterest Vibes

Was not specifically tagged, but @dragonracer did say anyone so here I am, doing this instead of writing my thesis, because academic writing sucks and I want to burn it in a fire but I can't because it's digital and you just don't get the same deep sense of catharsis from pressing the 'Delete' button.

.....

Anyway!

For this, you search (OC name) + Core in Pinterest, select six images from whatever comes up, put em all together, and then tag six people.

So here we go: Atash Laidir, my Rook from Dragon Age: The Veilguard.

I SWEAR the flipped bird was literally right on the first page of my results, alongside all the dramatic lightning shots. It is a SIGN.

Actually, I was pretty pleasantly surprised by how close to Atash's vibe my search results were. This was really fun!

I am once more in the position of having friends who have already mostly done this, so I continue my tradition of tagging my sibling @medeaplays. When are you ever going to do one of the things I tag you in????? Stop ignoring me, I know where you live.

(jk you do what you want <3)

[lkblackham]

That one time Emmrich shaved his mustache and literally everyone was convinced he'd been replaced by a demon in disguise, including Lucanis and Spite, and he had to talk them all down from conducting a violent exorcism. Good times.

Also, happy

🎉 WIP WEDNESDAY 🍿

I'm currently working on the next pages of No Time To Apologize! I've gotten an extension on my deadline for my thesis chapter so I can actually have something resembling a work/life balance. Huzzah!

[lkblackham]

Lil Father's Day reblog (a day late). I got to spend it DMing a one-shot D&D campaign for my dad and a gaggle of siblings, nieces and nephews, who I'm very very lucky to have, and who partially inspired this comic.

Translation: HI GRANDMA! HI GRANDPA! I'M BEL! I LOVE YOU!

A lil sorta-sequel to this post:

(forgive me, I do not know how to just... add the link in the actual text. I used to. But now I'm old.)

Hearing all the BS from EA's CEO got me craving some saccharine half-qunari baby sweetness. DA fanart is now an act of protest and rebellion against the corporate machine.

[lkblackham]

This appeared on my dash again at 3am and brought me so much joy. Possibly enough to sleep. We shall see.

Another one before I go to bed ♡

[lkblackham]

This energy though

[lkblackham]

This turned out very very blue. I like it.

Finished illustration started yesterday! This was inspired by the latest chapter in @spinfins 's fic The Gifts of Elgar'nan, in which The Team has a very brief respite in Rivain and Emmrich decides it's a prime opportunity to teach Rook how to swim. It was much needed cozy after a... shall we say, tumultuous couple of weeks.

Completely unrelated, fun fact, I'm from California! Love my state. Love my neighbors. Love my community. Fuck ICE.

Also, I'm going to be at the nearest No Kings (No Tyrants here in the UK because King Charles III exists) protest in Edinburgh on Saturday. Probably won't get too intense because it's the UK but. Y'know. I'm still letting my family know where I am and keeping my mobile off. Just in case.

You feed a bunch of kids a diet of fantasy epics where a ragtag group of weirdos takes down an evil fascist-coded villain and you see where it gets you.

[lkblackham]

Oh my goodness, I've been so busy with my thesis and having a massive existential crisis that I totally forgot it was

🦐 WIP WEDNESDAY 🦜

So here, see my art therapy (or a lil snapshot, anyway):

It's my Elf/Rogue/Shadow Dragon Rook, who ALSO romanced Emmrich because I just can't help myself no matter how times I play through Veilguard. This drawing in particular was inspired by the most recent chapter of @spinfins ' s The Gifts of Elgar'nan! Because I actually have very vivid memories of learning how to swim at a later age (13) and it was, frankly, terrifying.

(And then I joined a swim team. 😌)

(I wasn't very good.)

Point is, I had deep empathy for Rook in this chapter and decided to give myself some art therapy. This is also me getting back into art-ing again after having to dedicate pretty much all my time and energy to thesis-ing. I'm not done with the thesis-ing, but I really miss No Time To Apologize and need to update it this week. For my sanity. So this is my sort of re-learning piece.

My goal is to finish the comic by the end of the year. Will it happen? Probably not, but I'm gonna try!

Plus, with the reports about the hellish dev process behind Veilguard, which I already knew a bit about (anyone recall hearing about the BioWare Crying Closet a few years ago? It's literally the reason I dropped out of trying to get into the game design industry), my obsession with Dragon Age has been fanned into an almighty inferno and I definitely have several years' worth of story ideas in my head.

Because I am giant giant nerd and there clearly aren't enough of those on Tumblr.

[lkblackham]

The Madleen/freedom Flotilla is being surrounded by the Israeli Occupation Forces. Right now! June 8, 2025

[lkblackham]

Been a while since I've done a self portrait! Been even longer since I've done a self portrait I've liked, so this is actually a huge deal for me.

Self portraits have been a tough thing for me, just in general. I struggled a lot with my appearance as a young adult.

But now, since I'm 32, I'm officially not a young adult anymore, so (crumples up youthful body dysmorphia and self loathing and throws it into the deepest pit of Hades, the entrance to which is conveniently right behind my house)

Happy Pride!

[lkblackham]

A prequel for @toonybrin because I felt bad. 😅 Also Harding totally would.

Sometimes

SOMETIMES

Your cat bumps your elbow and your hand slips a bit with the Select tool.

EMMRICH

YOUR HEAD

NOOOOOO

(he's fine, guys, just a fun lil mortalitasi jape)

(we hope)

[lkblackham]

I like how everybody's reaction to this horror show is, "Holy shit, that's fucked up. HARDING NEEDS TO SEE THIS!"

[lkblackham]

Sometimes

SOMETIMES

Your cat bumps your elbow and your hand slips a bit with the Select tool.

EMMRICH

YOUR HEAD

NOOOOOO

(he's fine, guys, just a fun lil mortalitasi jape)

(we hope)