lonelyoctoberhours

[lonelyoctoberhours]

Two Evils (5/7/24)

in a game of two evils no one stands to win.

mismatched tailored suits, uncovered from the elements and given a timer counting down

best be quick on your judgement six weeks passes ever so quickly.

how long since we got to choose? and yet these are our options? just a blue shirt with a red tie as our only hope out?

parties you didn't stop when it suited you. words you spoke but didn't believe, and for all the dead roses in your wake.

and who will stand triumphant? over a sobbing crowd that should be excited a new era, finally, after all this time! but there was nowhere else to go.

forced to damn ourselves to crawl out of graves dug by them, only for the chance to be pushed back in because that's our greater good. somehow.

so into the box goes the paper pen and pencil crosses signifying something. with sighs buried deep, under smiles to the staff, the lesser of two evils is chosen, and there's no parties to be had.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

What Pride Means To Me (25/6/24)

it's the smile on the face of a child, so trusting of the moment the colours flying through the air, hands held without reservation.

pushing out the fear from shouts in stairwells, moving on from things forgotten, because it'll all be okay in the end, right? there's life and love at the end, isn't there?

in being seen, being apologised to, "this is why we don't make assumptions," a lesson taught from two words scratched up on a nametag.

or that feeling in your chest, a tell me you love me, tell me you believe me, tell me that you know we're okay.

and if it's a shout into the static, "why aren't you listening to me?" i wish you all the best, because i know how much it hurts.

and seeing them made me look in, sides of me i'd never dared dig up further. looking for a sign, so i didn't have to ask first. finding you made it feel good to be this way.

with time and effort, and a three-day crisis, and your own brand of pink and green love it got to a stage where i could be this, and know i had someone on my side.

it's a stolen flag in a display. either a "fuck you" or a "me too." these things just happens sometimes, it doesn't pass just because the months said so.

and i know i haven't had it bad, and i know people who've struggled more, and i know what they did to escape when home wasn't safe.

they've years on me, only a couple, if nothing else their love for being queer beats out everything they've dealt with. their pride is my role model.

if it starts and ends with jokes, a safety between two people so we're not hushed words in some bar, but reaching out hands

"i just want to check in," "i know just how difficult it is" "it's something else to witness." it's something else to be the target.

intertwining fingers, we've got this, let me look out for you. "there's so much joy," and "i'm here if you want to talk."

if pride is in the little things, sharing the good and the bad, the expected and the surprises, then it's in the connections i cannot live without.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(7/10/23)

conversations on our first night out, a different kind of fireworks. you asked me why and i didn't know, so you laughed at me instead.

it's as threatening as it is affirming, i'm okay the way i am, but not with my long hair, not with the way i present in your eyes.

i see you in text messages, telling me that you're there if i need it, that seeing people behave like that hurts me just as much as it does the victim.

you ask me if i had fun and i say so, it's a shame you weren't there though. but, in the next breath, three letters on my badge seem to change your mind.

i see you, a mullet dyed this colour to that, a cut made in someone's kitchen, feminine and masculine in the "right" way a perfect mix of both, so visible in the best way.

you make me believe in stereotypes and i really wish you didn't.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(29/9/23)

Looking back, you learn what happened. Day one, top of the class, Well ahead with all you knew, All you understood.

Pulled into being friends with older kids, Just to match wits, Until you're alone when she's gone, And then you're just passing time.

On your own two feet, So intelligent and gifted, But called a liar when you couldn't see Past your nose to the whiteboard.

Too scared to do anything but work, Bite teeth marks into your tongue And hold on until you bled, And still, you kept your mouth shut.

Like all the good kids, No one encouraged you or praised you, Because you were built right, It wasn't worth remarking upon.

Every time you fell apart, You stood back up and kept going, Never let a day go without you, No matter how hard it was.

Keeping grit teeth through fury Was all that taped you together. Excuses to watch TV, it's for a project, To hiding under tables, no one would notice.

Uniform ironed perfectly flat, Too-long sleeves and heeled boots. Concealing a jacket to stay warm Under the broken windows and condescension.

You'd never forgive what she did. Something small to anyone else, But astronomical here, because, well, How could it be you?

How could you dare stop to breathe? You've got exams waiting, Grades to secure, people to please. There's no time for grief.

Your life imploded And then you were an adult And there was nowhere to go But down.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(10/8/23)

I'm sleepy but I can't stand being tired. Waiting for enough time to pass, Enough sheer boredom That my mind gives out for the day.

12 hours later and we're back to square one, Insomnia. I don't know if it's inside or not. Early is physically impossible Too late has consequences.

I can't just convince myself, Take the steps from one to the other, Literally less than two meters, And turn it off with the lights.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(10/8/23)

So lost in time I don't realise that Today is yesterday's tomorrow And the earth is still spinning at the same pace As it was when I was sat there sobbing.

Waking up at 3, AM or PM doesn't matter, If it weren't for work I'd be nocturnal, But it's exactly what puts me so far.

Is the sky dark or is it bright? I haven't opened the curtains to check If the sun is out or if it's buried Beneath the crust of the horizon.

Addled and deluded, might as well be drunk. The body isn't mine and the world Is unstable, unbalanced and far out.

The time loss sinks in, What time is it? Why does 10pm feel like 2? Why is 9 at night 9 in the morning? And why is time still passing through?

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(7/8/23)

No matter which way the wind pulls, I'll walk back to you, Begging my heart to still And my lungs to keep steady.

From starboard to sail, From deck to crow's nest, I'll scale the high ropes And drop down beside you.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

Love on Our Hands (27/6/23)

Red indentations circling my wrists, Reminders of the bracelets I adore, This is the price we pay To wear love on our hands.

Homemade with love, Just for us to share and hold, And wear until it leaves us sore. But there's nothing better.

Every flaw, misplaced knot, Dodgy tie offs, falling apart, It's the cracks between. We filled them with gold.

Why have them here, When a message is enough? If I could pick a way to hold them, Always, I'd wear them on my wrists.

Encircled memories, Red on the calendar, Marking the next time We can be together again.

The day we met Saw our lives collide, Two galaxies pulled together, Some indescribable force.

To remember all this, The hellos and goodbyes, Well, that is the price we pay, To wear love on our hands.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(28/3/23)

Everyone needs to cry sometimes. It may not be blistering sobs, Whole-body shaking like it would never end. A tear with a yawn could be enough.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(20/3/23)

I'll sort out my hair, Grab my jacket and be out the door, To the place where time bends weird, And daylight feels strange.

There's so much noise when I walk, Keys and torches and holding myself together. Give me an hour, I'll be okay, Just let me catch my breath, 'I was almost late.'

[lonelyoctoberhours]

Skin and Bones (14/1/23)

we are not seventeen-year-old skin and bones.

we drink ourselves out of it, sit and cry ourselves to sleep. panicked all nighters, unbrushed teeth. homework, school work, 'i finally got a job' work.

up all night, sleeping all day, any good excuse to avoid school, the personal statements that say it all. doing something to earn anything, four pounds? six pounds? ten if you're lucky.

we have commitments on commitments, we're begging for the rush of more, waiting for a reason to be bored. we have card games around tables, raucous laughter and bright red faces.

we're going out for lunches, dinners, always with dessert, never feeling full, wanting to be the one to act a fool. imagine that. friends, side-by-side, clasped hands holding them stable.

we're the ones losing our loves. the grandparents that raised us, the family that chased us, the people we didn't want to see, the gatherings we wanted to miss.

when arrows and suits and ties, are the earliest memories, tell me why we all live in a reverie. if smoky skies beat out blue and white, remind me what we're still doing here.

it's apathy and empathy, a fucked up mix of girls and boys, unkempt rooms, heads full of noise. our lives crossed out, bright red ink, critiqued by voices that forget they lived the same.

if showing our faces is enough for closure, then we need to do it more, do it sooner, all of those words for less than hello. let her stare right past us, 'glad to see you're well,' but boys my age don't go like this.

we are not eighteen-year-old skin and bones.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

I Want to Record Everything (28/12/22)

i have nights where i want to record everything.

yellow hoodies on wheels, waving, cheering, screaming, wishing we had a better speaker. a smiley face drawn on misty glass.

tears and holding them tighter, finally, a photo of us together confetti and love and hope. just three more months, i'll see you again.

stress-drinking off-brand fanta never meant much, feeling too warm and mosh pit crush. hands to the floor, begging for my sight, too far back and asking just to feel.

sauna-like rooms with too little air, reaching shadows under blinding lights sat down before the floor got sticky cool water letting us breathe together.

what i'd do to stand with them, mid-morning in the middle of summer, the things i'd do to sit with them again, freezing cold crouched around my phone.

i want to go back, remember to never let go. their rainbow dungarees, a cappella countries of the world in the middle of the pavement.

they're already crying, lights to the sky, karaoke in a cafe, a friend and a stranger, different shirts, one thing in common, his guitar-playing to all our singing.

all i ask is to never let go, remember the faces, the voices, the outfits. the love. the experiences. without the threat of forgetting in the morning.

so, i have nights where i want to record everything.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(26/11/22)

The worst part of winter is the perpetual night. There's nowhere safe And as daylight hours dictate It's better to stay inside, stay away.

The day is nocturnal, and lives are sucked empty. When sunset looms it's hardly two. It's warmer inside your room, It's not as if there's anything else to do.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(16/10/22)

I don't need you to light me up The dark is warm enough. I need your glow to show me the way, Show me to march forward When my legs have forgotten.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

That's What Love Is (14/10/22)

Love is hearing my brother brush his teeth at 1am. It is nonsense shouted in hallways, Casual hellos and goodbyes, Joking insults and laughter, And knowing the truth.

"I love you's" and "see you tomorrow." And "I'll be home in twenty, Don't set the house on fire, Don't have a crazy party." "I trust you to make tea by yourself, You're almost eighteen now."

It's the eight on the end of my age Making them feel so old. It's the one on the end of his aging me. It's name-calling and poking Playfighting and boxing, And knuckles that make sounds that they shouldn't.

It's pulling chairs down and apologising, It's venom but giggling two hours later. It's wrapping presents, Breathless and shushing ourselves silent. Cheeks pulled tight, aching, And labelling each other with the stickers From cards worth two quid.

It's post-it notes saying hello to the sleepy, It's reminders of simplicity. Knocked out on the sofas, Digestion walks after eating too much. It's when Christmas gets too busy.

It's hugs and pet names, And comfort and trust, And understanding. Unending will to see you smile, No matter how hard you're crying.

It's being the one to make you cheer up, All of those reassuring embraces, That tell you that you'll be okay. It's more than words in hair, Blowing raspberries at each other.

It's swinging tea towels in the kitchen. Racing to the bathroom so they have to wait. It's standing in bedroom doorways. It's dancing to the songs in your heads. It's bruising shoulders in the living room.

It's argument after argument as kids, Nasty injuries, petty cruelty, Sneaking, lying, and getting each other into trouble. But growing up to be a house on fire The moment you're in the same room.

Love is hearing my brother brush his teeth at 1am.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

Middle Kids (24/9/22)

Stuck in the in between, A bar set so high, Too high. How to reset the words, Telling me I was fine, I could cross that line.

Their line. Drawn in the sand ahead, A waiting shoreline begged, To pull it out to sea, Where predator meets prey.

[lonelyoctoberhours]

(27/8/22)

I've got skin that doesn't want to stay on my face, Peeling off in strips, promises picked to shreds. I'll pull it together one day, Tooth and nail, together silenced and stifled, And cool the skin that melts off my bones.

Pushing buttons of the prison gates, Anything to put it behind bars, Barricade the past and let it heal again. Surely, later, it'll escape once more Showing off the gore As it slips off my fingertips And into my palms.

Anything, anything, To glue my skin together, Tape up the cracks and keep the mask, A fresh facade to wear, Having healed once again.

You could try anything to get it to stay But it would take my tears for a ride And leave teared lines behind, Letting me wither in place Instead of trying to fix my face.