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lorilujan · 1 year ago

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HAMILTON but replace the words "sir" and "son" with "bitch"

“Aaron Burr, Sir Bitch” Alexander Hamilton: Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, bitch? Burr: That depends, who’s asking? Hamilton: Oh, well, sure, bitch. I’m Alexander Hamilton, I’m at your service, bitch. I have been… looking for you. Burr: I’m getting nervous. Hamilton: Bitch, I heard your name at Princeton. I was seeking an accelerated course of study when I got sort of out-of-sorts with a buddy of yours. I may have punched him. It’s a blur, bitch. He handles the financials? Burr: You punched the bursar? Hamilton: …Yes! :D --- Hercules Mulligan: Lock up your daughters and horses, of course it’s hard to have intercourse over four sets of corsets. Marquis de Lafayette: Wow! John Laurens: No more sex, pour me another brew, bitch! Let’s raise a couple more… Trio: TO THE REVOLUUUUTION!

“Right Hand Man” Burr: Your excellency, bitch! George Washington: Who are you? Burr: Aaron Burr, bitch? Permission to state my case? Washington: As you were. Burr: Bitch, I was a captain under General Montgomery until he caught a bullet in the neck in Quebec, and well, in summary, I think that I could be of some assistance. I admire how you keep firing on the British from a distance. Washington: Huh. Burr: I have some questions, a couple of suggestions on how to fight instead of fleeing west. Washington: Yes? Burr: Well- Hamilton: Your excellency, you wanted to see me? Washington: Hamilton, come in, have you met Burr? Hamilton: Yes, bitch. Hamilton and Burr: We keep meeting. Burr: As I was saying, bitch, I look forward to seeing your strategy play out. Washington: Burr? Burr: Bitch? Washington: Close the door on your way out. Hamilton: Have I done something wrong, bitch? Washington: On the contrary. I called you here because our odds are beyond scary. Your reputation precedes you, but I have to laugh. Hamilton: Bitch? Washington: Hamilton, how come no one can get you on their staff? Hamilton: Bitch! --- Washington: Bitch, we are outgunned, outmanned! Hamilton: You need all the help you can get. I have some friends. Laurens, Mulligan, Marquis de Lafayette, okay, what else? Washington: Outnumbered, outplanned! Hamilton: We’ll need some spies on the inside, some King’s men who might let some things slide. I’ll write to Congress and tell ‘em we need supplies, you rally the guys, master the element of surprise. I’ll rise above my station, organize your information ‘til we rise to the occasion of our new nation. Bitch!

“A Winter’s Ball” Burr: How does a bastard, orphan, bitch of a whore go on and on, grow into more of a phenomenon? Watch this obnoxious, arrogant, loudmouth bother be seated at the right hand of the father. Washington hires Hamilton right on sight, but Hamilton still wants to fight, not write. Now, Hamilton’s skill with a quill is undeniable, but what do we have in common? We’re reliable with the… LADIEEEEEEEEEEEES! Burr: There are so many to deflower! LADIEEEEEEEEEEEES! Burr: Looks! Proximity to power! LADIEEEEEEEEEEEES! Burr: They delighted and distracted him. Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after him! Hamilton: That’s true! Burr: 1780, a winter’s ball, and the Schuyler sisters are the envy of all. Yo, if you could marry a sister, you’re rich, bitch. Hamilton: Is it a question of if, Burr, or which one?

“Satisfied” Angelica Schuyler: I’m a girl in a world in which my only job is to marry rich. My father has no bitches, so I’m the one who has to social climb, for one.

“The Story of Tonight (Reprise)” Hamilton: Well, if it isn’t Aaron Burr! Burr: Bitch! --- Hamilton: It’s all right, Burr. I wish you’d bought this girl with you tonight, Burr. Burr: You’re very kind, but I’m afraid it’s unlawful, bitch. Hamilton: What do you mean? Burr: She’s married. Hamilton: I see. Burr: She’s married to a British officer. Hamilton: Oh, shit.

“Stay Alive” Washington: The cavalry's not coming. Hamilton: But, bitch! Washington: Alex, listen. There’s only one way for us to win this. Provoke outrage, outright. --- Hamilton: We cut supply lines, we steal contraband. We pick and choose our battles and places to take a stand. And ev’ry day, “Bitch, entrust me with a command.” And ev’ry day… Washington: No. Hamilton: He dismisses me out of hand. --- Washington: Ev’ryone attack! Charles Lee: Retreat! Washington: Attack! Lee: Retreat! Washington: What are you doing, Lee? Get back on your feet! Lee: But there’s so many of them! Washington: I’m sorry, is this not your speed?! Hamilton! Hamilton: Ready, bitch! Washington: Have Lafayette take the lead! Hamilton: Yes, bitch! --- Washington: Don’t do a thing. History will prove him wrong. Hamilton: But, bitch! Washington: We have a war to fight, let’s move along.

“The Ten Duel Commandments” Burr: Alexander. Hamilton: Aaron Burr, bitch. Burr: Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature? Hamilton: Sure, but your man has to answer for his words, Burr. Burr: With his life? We both know that’s absurd, bitch.

“Meet Me Inside” Washington: What is the meaning of this? Mr. Burr, get a medic for the General. Burr: Yes, bitch. --- Washington: Hamilton! Hamilton: Bitch! Washington: Meet me inside… Bitch. Hamilton: Don’t call me bitch. Washington: This war is hard enough without infighting- Hamilton: Lee called you out. We called his bluff. Washington: You solve nothing, you aggravate our allies to the south. Hamilton: You’re absolutely right. John should’ve shot him in the mouth, that would’ve shut him up. Washington: Bitch- Hamilton: I’m not your bitch. Washington: Watch your tone, I am not a maiden in need of defending, I am grown. Hamilton: Charles Lee, Thomas Conway, these men take your name and they rake it in the mud. Washington: My name’s been through a lot, I can take it. Hamilton: Well, I don’t have your name, I don’t have your titles, I don’t have your land. But, if you- Washington: No. Hamilton: If you gave me command of a battalion, a group of men to lead, I could fly above my station after the war. Washington: Or you could die, and we need you alive. Hamilton: I am more than willing to die- Washington: Your wife needs you alive, bitch, I need you alive- Hamilton: CALL ME BITCH ONE MORE TIME!!! Washington: Go home, Alexander. That’s an order from your commander. Hamilton: Bitch- Washington: Go home.

“That Would Be Enough” Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton: I knew you’d fight until the war was one, but you deserve a chance to meet your bitch. Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now.

“Guns and Ships” Washington: Hamilton! Lafayette: Bitch, he knows what to do in a trench. Ingenuitive and fluent in French, I mean- Washington: Hamilton! Lafayette: Bitch, you’re gonna have to use him eventually. What’s he gonna do on the bench? I mean-

“Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down)” Hamilton: If this is the end of me, at least I have a friend with me, a weapon in my hand, a command, and my men with me. Then I remember my Eliza’s expecting me… Not only that, my Eliza’s expecting. We gotta go, gotta get the job done. Gotta start a new nation, gotta meet my bitch! --- Mulligan: A tailor spying on the British government! I take their measurements, information, and I smuggle it to my brother’s revolutionary covenant. I’m running with the Bitches of Liberty and I am loving it! See, that’s what happens when you're up against the ruffians, we’re in the shit now, somebody’s gotta shovel it! Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction, when you knock me down, I get the fuck back up again! --- Hamilton: Gotta start a new nation, gotta meet my bitch.

“Dear Theodosia” Hamilton: Oh, Philip, when you smile, I am undone, my bitch. Look at my bitch! Pride is not the word I’m looking for. There is so much more inside me now. Oh, Philip, you outshine the morning sun. My bitch.

“Non-Stop” Burr: Alexander? Hamilton: Aaron Burr, bitch. Burr: It’s the middle of the night. Hamilton: Can we confer, bitch? --- Hamilton: Bitch, do you want me to run the Treasury or State department? Washington: …Treasury. Hamilton: Lesgo. :)

“What’d I Miss?” Mr. Jefferson, welcome home, bitch, you’ve been off in Paris for so long!

“Cabinet Battle #1” Washington: Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor, bitch. --- Hamilton: Madison, you’re mad as a hatter, bitch, take your medicine. Damn, you’re in worse shape than the national debt is in. Sitting there useless as two shits. Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you where my shoe fits. --- Washington: Hamilton! Hamilton: Bitch! Washington: A word. --- Hamilton: Bitch- Washington: Figure it out, Alexander. That’s an order from your commander.

“Take a Break” Eliza: Alexander- Hamilton: Okay, okay. Eliza: Your bitch is nine years old today. He has something he’d like to say. He’s been practicing all day. Philip, take it away.

“Say No to This” Hamilton: So I offered her a loan, I offered to walk her home, she said: Maria Reynolds: You’re too kind, bitch. Hamilton: I gave her thirty bucks that I had socked away, she lived a block away, she said: Maria: This one’s mine, bitch. --- James Reynolds: Dear bitch, I hope this letter finds you in good health, and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me: Down on their luck. You see, that was my wife who you decided to- Hamilton: Fuuuuuuuu- --- Hamilton: I hid the letter and I raced to her place, screamed “How could you?!” in her face, she said: Maria: No, bitch! Hamilton: Half dressed, apologetic. A mess, she looked pathetic, she cried: Maria: Please don’t go, bitch!

“The Room Where It Happens” Burr: Ahh, Mister Secretary. Hamilton: Mr. Burr, bitch.

“Cabinet Battle #2” Washington: Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor, bitch. --- Washington: Hamilton is right. Thomas Jefferson: Mr. President-! Washington: We’re too fragile to start another fight. Jefferson: But, bitch, do we not fight for freedom? Washington: Sure, when the French figure out who’s gonna lead ‘em. Jefferson: The people are leading-! Washington: The people are rioting. There’s a difference. Frankly, it’s a little disquieting that you would let your ideals blind you to reality. Hamilton. Hamilton: Bitch? Washington: Draft a statement of neutrality.

“One Last Time” Hamilton: What do you need, bitch? ...Bitch? Washington: I wanna give you a word of warning. Hamilton: Bitch, I don’t know what you heard, but whatever it is, Jefferson started it. Washington: Thomas Jefferson resigned this morning. Hamilton: You’re kidding. Washington: I need a favor. Hamilton: Whatever you say, bitch, Jefferson will pay for his behavior. --- Washington: He’s stepping down so he can run for president. Hamilton: Ha! Good luck defeating you, bitch. --- Washington: And then we’ll teach them how to say goodbye + (1x cus I'm a sloth), you and I. Hamilton: No, bitch, why? Washington: I want to talk about neutrality. Hamilton: Bitch, with Britain and France on the verge of war, is this the best time-

“We Know” Burr: “Dear bitch, I hope this letter finds you in good health, and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me: Down on their luck. You see, that was my wife who you decided to-” Jefferson: Whaaaaaaat?

“Blow Us All Away” Hamilton: Come back home when you’re done. Take my guns, be smart, make me proud, bitch.

*I cannot with Philip's death, forgive me.*

“The Election of 1800” Hamilton: Well, if it isn’t Aaron Burr, bitch! Burr: Alexander! Hamilton: You’ve created quite a stir, bitch! Burr: I’m going door to door! Hamilton: You’re openly campaigning? Burr: Sure! Hamilton: That’s new. Burr: Honestly, it’s kind of draining. Hamilton: Burr- Burr: Bitch!

“Your Obedient Servant” Burr: How does Hamilton, an arrogant immigrant, orphan bastard, whore bitch somehow endorse Thomas Jefferson, his enemy, a man he’s despised since the beginning just to keep me from winning?

*Just the light-hearted and choleric ones, please. Plus one of my personal favorites:*

"The World Was Wide Enough" Hamilton: Eyes up. I catch a glimpse of the other side. Laurens leads a soldiers' chorus on the other side, my bitch is on the other side, he's with my mother on the other side, Washington is watching from the other side.

*I'm done. I apologize for this monster of a shitpost.*

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lorilujan · 5 years ago

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Natasha: When will my fiancé return from the war?

Pierre: Andrey isn’t here.

Pierre: I want to death but also do something.

Natasha: Thank you for letting me stay here.

Marya: Moscow is lit dawg.

Sonya: Hello I am here too.

Marya: Yeah I don’t really care about you sausage.

Mary: Hello welcome to my house where my dad definitely doesn’t abuse me at all.

Natasha: That’s a really goddamn weird thing to say what the fuck.

Mary: You’re too fashionable.

Natasha: You’re so mean I don’t like you.

Bolkonsky: I didn’t mean to come here in my bathrobe stupid seductress.

Natasha: Welp I will never erase that from my memory time to go home.

Natasha: The moon is so beautiful. I am so glad I love Andrey so much that nothing will come between us.

Anatole: Well hey there babe.

Natasha: O shite.

Anatole: It’s party time.

Pierre: Yeah I am just gonna drink my feelings away.

Anatole: I have a foot fetish.

Pierre: Okay now I think I deserve those ten shots.

Dolokhov: Hey there babe want more vodka?

Pierre: That is it fucking fight me.

Dolokhov: Owie you shot me.

Pierre: Oh shit I didn’t mean to actually hurt you.

Dolokhov: Now I’m gonna shoot you.

Pierre: T pose to assert dominance.

Dolokhov: Fuck I missed.

Pierre: That sucks I kinda wanted to die.

Sonya: If you look into the mirror you will see your future.

Natasha: Seems fake but okay.

Natasha: Oh shit Andrey might die.

Hélène: Hey you should come to our ball so my horny brother can see you.

Natasha: But I have a fiancé.

Hélène: Ditch that bitch. You’re young and in Moscow he won’t care ouiouihonhonbaguette.

Natasha: Seems legit.

Anatole: Hey there hotcakes you’re hot.

Natasha: But I have a fiancé.

Anatole: I don’t give a shit.

Natasha: I’ve obviously been in love with you this entire time.

Pierre: Hello there Andrey. Btws your girlfriend Natasha is here and ngl she’s pretty hot lol. On another note I have so many Napoleon conspiracy theories that Shane Dawson is quaking.

Natasha: What should I say to Andrey now that I totally made out with someone else?

Mary: Dearest Natasha. I’m so sorry that my awful father is awful and doesn’t wear clothes. He’s old and doesn’t know what’s going on half the time. Please visit again. I’ll lock him in his room this time.

Natasha: Well this is awkward.

Anatole: natalienatalienatalienatalienatalienatalienatalienatalienatalie I wanna kidnap you is that cool?

Natasha: —Well I got this letter which means that I love you so yes.

Sonya: Natasha what the fuck.

Natasha: Sorry I love Anatole now.

Sonya: You can’t just decide to run off with some guy after three days also everything about us feels like it’s going to be on one of those cop investigation shows that are on the middle of the day. This is so suspicious you idiot.

Natasha: Well fuck you then.

Sonya: This is the worst day ever.

Anatole: Please fund my elopement.

Pierre: ... okay.

Balaga: Drunk driving time for you and your boyfriend.

Anatole: Fuck yeah.

Marya: Get out of my house you little slut.

Anatole: Well shit.

Natasha: You threw away my one shot at love.

Marya: Natasha you idiot he’s just a thirsty fuckboy.

*natasha gets the wallop*

Natasha: nObOdY LoVeS mE.