lovebrewed

[lovebrewed]

i cant even reply to you

[lovebrewed]

shadowbanned omfg.

[lovebrewed]

no sei im going to KsMSMSKSMKS**

[lovebrewed]

theres no fucking way i got shadowbanned again omfg. i dont even want to move blogs

[lovebrewed]

WHAT DID I DOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[lovebrewed]

NO WAY I GOT SHADOWBANNED WHAT

[lovebrewed]

💌 : @loveonair 📍 : mimi's  unit  🚪

“oh?  anong  ginagawa  mo  rito?  i  told  you  i  was  busy.”

[lovebrewed]

“fine.”  silence  followed  as  the  numbers  above  the  door  ticked  down,  one  floor  at  a  time.  beau  glanced  up  at  them,  watching  the  slow  descent.  he  should’ve  been  relieved—getting  tj  to  leave  his  desk  was  already  a  small  victory.  a  break,  even  a  short  one,  would’ve  normally  lit  tj  up  a  little.  loosened  his  shoulders.  pulled  a  smile  out  of  him.  but  today,  there  was  nothing.  tj  wouldn’t  even  meet  his  eyes.  and  that  irritated  beau  more  than  he  liked  to  admit.  he  prided  himself  on  being  able  to  tell  what  people  were  feeling.  it  came  with  the  job,  sure—years  of  pitching  to  clients,  of  navigating  egos  and  smoothing  out  boardroom  tension  had  trained  him  well.  he  could  tell  when  someone  was  engaged,  when  they  were  barely  listening,  when  they  were  holding  something  back.  he  knew  how  to  read  posture,  how  to  scan  for  tells,  and  how  to  lean  in  or  back  off  based  on  nothing  but  the  tilt  of  a  chin  or  a  twitch  of  a  mouth.  tj  was  unreadable  right  now.  and  beau  hated  it.  he  ran  back  every  moment  since  that  morning—what  had  he  said?  what  had  he  done?  was  it  wrong  of  him  to  have  approached  him  in  the  first  place?  to  have  dragged  him  out  of  the  IT  department,  away  from  his  work,  just  because  he  missed  being  near  him  for  a  moment?  had  that  been  selfish?  “kung  saan  nalang  malapit.”

it’s   a   little   frustrating—   how   tj   can’t   even   bring   himself   to   be   mad   at   beau.   can’t   give   him   the   cold   shoulder,   can’t   ignore   him   the   way   he   used   to   when   things   were   simpler.   before,   he   could   confidently   tune   beau   out.   pretend   he   didn’t   hear   the   chatter,   the   complaints,   the   constant   stream   of   requests.   but   now?   now   there's   a   connection   between   them—   one   tj   willingly   let   him   into.   an   unspoken   understanding   that   they’re…   what,   exactly?   close?   friends?   more?   just   colleagues?   he   doesn't   know.   and   that   not   knowing   is   what’s   really   driving   him   up   the   wall.   because   if   they   were   just   friends,   why   does   it   sting   seeing   beau   eating   lunch   with   someone   else?   that   finance   guy—   who   even   is   he?   and   why   was   beau   sitting   across   from   him,   smiling   like   that,   laughing   like   they   shared   some   kind   of   inside   joke?   it   shouldn’t   matter.   but   it   does.   and   that’s   what   tj   hates   the   most—   that   it   bothers   him   this   much,   and   yet,   he   can’t   say   a   damn   thing   about   it.   so   he   swallows   it   down,   packs   it   neatly   inside   that   growing   box   of   things   he   refuses   to   feel,   and   smiles   like   everything’s   fine.   “   kahit   saan,   ”   he   mutters,   not   meeting   beau’s   eyes.   “   okay   ako.   ikaw   na   bahala   kung   saan   mo   ako   gustong   pakainin.   ”

[lovebrewed]

“oo,  tapos  yung  ringbearer  natin  si  cookie  monster.”  beau  said  with  a  laugh.  he’d  always  loved  tj.  wordlessly,  instinctively.  it  was  like  muscle  memory.  like  breathing,  as  if  his  soul  had  already  recognised  tj  long  before  he’d  been  old  enough  to  understand  why.  before  the  world  could  teach  him  doubt,  before  fear  could  make  him  hesitate.  there  were  people  you  met  and  grew  fond  of.  and  then  there  were  people  like  tj—people  you  were  born  knowing.  like  deja  vu  in  human  form.  like  a  home  you’d  never  lived  in  but  somehow  remembered  the  layout  of,  down  to  the  creak  in  the  floorboards. as  a  child,  beau  had  always  been  a  little  too  dreamy  for  his  own  good.  he  liked  imagining  alternate  endings  for  bedtime  stories  and  plotted  entire  futures  during  recess.  he’d  sit  cross-legged  in  the  grass  and  declare,  with  the  earnestness  only  a  seven-year-old  could  muster,  that  he’d  live  in  a  blue  house  with  a  white  fence  above  the  hill,  with  ten  dogs  and  his  best  friend  and  a  garden  full  of  daisies.  he’d  force  his  friends  into  pretend  weddings—dragging  ant  into  playing  the  priest,  convincing  blair  to  throw  paper  flowers,  and  enduring  tj  and  shiloh’s  exasperated  eyerolls  like  it  was  a  noble  sacrifice.  and  every  time,  when  it  came  to  imagining  who  stood  at  the  end  of  the  aisle,  beau  never  even  had  to  think.  it  was  always  tj.  his  best  friend.  the  person  he  trusted  most,  whose  presence  had  always  felt  more  like  fate  than  coincidence. in  their  teenage  years,  it  all  changed...  and  yet,  it  didn’t.  everything  remained  the  same.  same  inside  jokes.  same  long  conversations  stretched  out  under  the  stars.  but  then  one  morning,  without  warning,  the  world  tilted.  it  was  their  same  morning  routine.  but  when  beau  looked  at  him  that  day,  something  clicked.  he  was  in  love.  but  what  did  he  do  with  that  kind  of  feeling?  nothing.  he  tucked  it  away.  hid  it  and  carried  on.  because  the  risk  felt  too  great.  because  losing  tj  felt  too  unbearable.  he’d  rather  have  him  like  this—halfway,  platonically—than  not  at  all.  he  convinced  himself  it  was  enough.  he  learned  how  to  love  without  asking.  and  now,  sitting  here,  years  later,  beau  wondered  what  he’d  been  so  afraid  of.  because  if  he’d  always  known,  if  tj  had  always  been  written  in  him…  then  maybe  tj  had  known  too.  maybe  they’d  just  spent  too  long  pretending  not  to  look.

beau  hadn’t  even  noticed  the  slew  of  messages  from  shiloh  piling  up  on  his  phone.  he’d  set  it  to  do  not  disturb  the  moment  tj  started  acting  whiny  and  clingy.  with  tj  finally  slipping  into  the  closet  to  pick  out  clothes,  beau  took  the  moment  to  call  shiloh  back.  “hey,”  he  said  quickly,  voice  still  tinged  with  disbelief.  it  still  felt  unreal,  this  thing  they  were  doing.  “wait.  free  ka  ba  ngayon?  okay.  good.  kasi—”  he  told  shiloh  about  their  spontaneous  decision.  about  the  papers,  the  officiant,  the  location.  the  only  thing  they  still  needed  were  witnesses—and  they’d  thought  of  only  two  people.  “but,  please,”  beau  had  added  gently,  “satin  satin  lang  muna  'to.”  shiloh  agreed,  though  beau  could  hear  the  pause  in  his  voice,  the  delay  between  one  breath  and  the  next  when  he  realised  milo  would  be  the  other  witness.  beau  didn’t  say  anything  more.  as  much  as  he  loved  them—both  of  them,  even  when  they  were  being  stubborn—he  didn’t  have  the  space  in  his  chest  to  care  about  whatever  tension  lingered  between  his  friends.  not  when  he  was  getting  married  today.

by  the  time  he  ended  the  call  and  set  his  phone  back  down,  tj  had  returned  from  the  closet,  grinning  down  at  the  clothes  he’d  laid  out  on  the  bed  earlier.  beau  followed  his  gaze—and  his  heart  did  a  fucking  backflip.  in  just  a  few  hours,  they’d  be  standing  across  each  other  wearing  these  exact  clothes.  beige  trousers.  a  crisp  white  button-up.  simple,  but  beau’s  favourite  things.  his  closet  staples.  “they’re  perfect,”  he  breathed,  pressing  his  shoulder  against  tj’s  as  he  leaned  into  him.  he  let  out  a  sigh,  overwhelmed  with  a  joy  so  quiet  and  complete  that  he  couldn’t  even  speak  for  a  second.  “i  also  told  shiloh  na.  siya  na  rin  daw  magmamaneho.  bihis  na  ba  tayo?”

the   look   on   beau’s   face—   how   giddy   he   is   about   finally   sealing   the   deal   today,   even   if   it’s   just   in   a   cramped   room   inside   city   hall—   washes   away   the   last   of   tj’s   worries.   he   doesn’t   even   know   why   he   doubted   in   the   first   place,   not   when   they’ve   been   so   locked   in   on   wedding   plans   and   literally   just   talked   about   getting   married   a   few   minutes   ago.   maybe   it’s   the   little   voice   in   his   head,   the   fear   that   beau   might   suddenly   change   his   mind.   but   he   shouldn’t   think   like   that.   not   when   beau   is   right   here,   clinging   to   him   like   always,   peppering   kisses   on   his   cheeks,   his   neck,   wherever   he   can   reach.   all   that   affection…   it   should’ve   been   enough   proof.   but   still—   tj   just   had   to   be   sure.   that   beau   is   really   in   this   with   him.   that   they’re   riding   into   forever,   together.

and   with   that   smile   on   beau’s   face,   that   childlike   grin   that   reaches   his   eyes,   tj   melts.   his   heart   squeezes   in   the   best   way,   and   before   he   can   even   think   about   it,   his   hands   are   already   on   beau’s   waist,   pulling   him   in   closer.   holding   him   like   he   never   wants   to   let   go.   he   smiles   like   a   man   stupidly,   deeply   in   love—   because   he   is.   because   the   idea   of   being   husbands   by   the   end   of   the   day?   god,   he’s   dreamt   of   this   for   so   long.   “   yes,   mahal,   ”   he   chuckles,   giddy,   “   mag-asawa   na   tayo   after   3pm.   ”

when   beau   cups   his   face,   tj   leans   in   without   hesitation,   pressing   quick   kisses   on   his   lips.   one   after   the   other,   barely   pulling   away,   like   he’s   trying   to   memorize   the   feel   of   them.   and   when   he   does   stop,   it’s   only   to   beam   at   him   like   a   lovesick   fool.   they’re   really   doing   this.   they’re   really   starting   forever   today.   and   tj   knows—   no   matter   how   many   lives   he   lives,   he   will   always   choose   beau.   he   will   always   say   yes   to   a   sudden,   simple   wedding   over   a   grand,   expensive   one.   because   being   with   beau   means   more   than   any   reception,   guest   list,   or   buffet   ever   could.   the   venues,   the   decor,   all   of   it   can   wait.   but   this?   this   moment   is   theirs.   and   it’s   perfect.

“   ako   ba   ‘yung   naiimagine   mo   na   nasa   dulo   ng   aisle   every   time   mag-practice   ka   mag-walk   down   nung   bata   tayo?   ”   he   teases,   gently   poking   beau’s   chin,   his   grin   playful.   they   share   another   kiss—   slower   this   time—   before   pulling   away,   tj   nodding   at   beau’s   instructions   with   a   soft,   “   okay,   love,   ”   letting   him   call   shiloh   and   milo   to   serve   as   their   witnesses.

meanwhile,   tj   starts   rummaging   through   their   closet.   he   picks   his   outfit   first:   a   crisp   brown   suit   paired   with   a   clean   white   shirt,   a   patterned   tie,   and   polished   brown   dress   shoes—   classic   and   sleek.   then   he   chooses   beau’s:   a   relaxed   white   button-up   tucked   into   high-waisted   beige   trousers,   finished   off   with   black   shoes—   effortlessly   chic.   he   lays   them   both   out   on   the   bed   carefully.   then,   from   the   top   corner   of   the   closet,   tj   quietly   pulls   out   a   small   box   hidden   beneath   some   clothes.   he   lifts   the   lid,   revealing   a   red   velvet   ring   box   wrapped   in   a   soft   white   handkerchief.   unwrapping   it,   he   finds   the   rings   he   bought   a   while   back,   perfectly   intact.   he   smiles,   heart   fluttering,   and   carefully   slips   the   box   into   the   pocket   of   his   hoodie   before   returning   the   bigger   box   out   of   sight.   when   he’s   done,   he   walks   back   over   to   beau,   hand   settling   naturally   on   his   waist.   he   presses   a   kiss   to   his   cheek,   eyes   bright   with   excitement.   “   okay   na   ba   ‘tong   mga   damit,   love?   ”

[lovebrewed]

“really?  a  business  trip?  nakalimutan  mo  ata  akong  itanggal  sa  close  friends  mo.  gagawin  mo  pa  'kong  tanga.  whatever,  marcus—i'm  editing  videos.  i  don't  have  time  to  listen  to  your  shit  today.”

“   you   haven’t   been   answering   me   for   days.   kailangan   pa   kitang   lapitan.   is   this   really   just   because   i   didn’t   reply   for   three   days?   i   told   you,   i   was   on   a   business   trip.   ”

[lovebrewed]

“five  minutes  by  car  siya.”  beau  answered.  he  checked  the  location,  opened  maps,  refreshed  the  route  twice  just  in  case.  five  minutes,  if  they  drove.  and  if  they  walked,  that’d  be  twice  as  long.  maybe  thrice,  if  they  strolled.  so...  that  was…  what?  twenty  minutes  of  walking  side  by  side  with  tj.  twenty  minutes  of  trying  to  act  normal.  of  pretending  he  wasn’t  losing  his  mind  with  every  step.  of  convincing  his  lungs  to  keep  working,  convincing  his  heart  not  to  leap  right  out  of  his  chest  and  explode  in  the  middle  of  the  street.  although—if  it  did,  if  his  heart  failed  on  him  right  here  and  now,  beau  thought  he’d  die  a  happy  man.  surprisingly  enough,  there  were  worse  ways  to  go  than  walking  next  to  tj  under  the  sweltering  heat  and  semi-polluted  air. “we  can  walk,”  beau  said,  smiling.  this  felt  like  something  that  would  happen  in  a  fever  dream  or  a  scene  from  one  of  those  dramas  he  liked  to  bingewatch.  there  should’ve  been  background  music  playing  and  sakura  petals  falling  from  the  sky.  because  being  able  to  spend  time  with  tj,  casually,  felt  unreal.  this  is  his  chance  to  talk  more  with  tj,  to  laugh  with  him,  maybe  even  share  a  pastry  if  the  opportunity  arose  and  he  didn’t  choke  on  his  nerves.

and  maybe—they  weren’t  idol  and  fan  anymore.  not  right  now.  with  piper  and  yohan's  weird  thing,  maybe  he  would  be  seeing  more  of  tj.  he  couldn’t  help  it—couldn’t  stop  the  way  his  brain  whispered  possibilities,  reckless  and  starry-eyed.  if  this  hangout  (but  also  maybe  a  date,  his  traitor  of  a  mind  chimed)  went  well,  then  maybe  by  the  end  of  it  they’d  be  friends.  real,  honest-to-god  friends.

and  wasn’t  that  fucking  wild?

beau  already  knew  little  pieces  of  tj.  he  knew  what  tj  was  like  in  front  of  the  camera.  knew  his  favourite  colour,  his  go-to  drink,  the  games  he  liked  playing,  the  playlists  he  used  to  wind  down  between  schedules.  all  gathered  from  behind-the-scenes  clips,  vlogs,  interviews,  and  the  chaos  that  was  illumin8  tv. but  all  that  was  just  the  tip  of  the  iceberg.  most  fans  didn’t  get  more  than  that.  that  was  what  tj  was  willing  to  show.  curated  and  safe.  and  beau  respected  that.  he  was  elated—grateful  beyond  words—that  even  as  private  as  tj  was,  he  still  chose  to  share  fragments  of  himself.  he  didn’t  owe  anyone  that,  but  he  did  it  anyway.  tj  had  always  been  one  of  the  more  grounded  ones  in  illumin8.  he  didn’t  lean  into  fanservice,  didn’t  sell  that  overly  sweet  fantasy  some  idols  lived  off  of.  he  didn’t  call  fans  'baby'  or  wink  on  cue  during  fan  calls.  he  didn’t  play  pretend.  he  kept  it  real. and  maybe  that  was  why  beau  liked  him  so  much.  because  even  through  the  filters  and  the  noise,  tj  felt  real.  and  right  now,  he  felt  even  more  so. so  just  this  possibility  was  enough  to  steady  beau’s  hands  and  scatter  his  thoughts  all  at  once.  the  chance  to  get  to  know  tj,  not  the  idol  plastered  across  billboards  or  edited  into  music  videos,  but  the  boy  beneath  all  that  shine.  tj  without  foundation  dusted  over  his  cheekbones,  without  the  styled  hair  and  embroidered  jackets,  without  the  world  watching  his  every  move.  just…  tj.  that  was  a  privilege  beau  didn’t  take  lightly. he  moved  quietly,  crossing  the  room  to  the  couch  where  his  sweater  lay  folded.  he  slipped  it  on,  pulling  the  hem  down  over  his  shirt,  ready  to  leave.  “ako  nga  dapat  nagtatanong  sa’yo  niyan,”  he  said  playfully.  for  most  people,  a  walk  was  just  a  walk.  but  for  tj—whose  face  had  been  broadcast  to  millions,  whose  privacy  was  practically  nonexistent—it  was  risky  as  fuck.  beau  had  seen  what  happened  when  someone  recognised  an  idol  on  the  street,  how  quickly  a  quiet  moment  could  become  chaotic.  how  a  single  photo  could  spark  a  frenzy.  if  tj  were  to  walk,  he’d  have  to  hide.  pull  a  hoodie  up,  wear  a  cap  low  over  his  eyes,  maybe  throw  on  a  mask  to  cover  the  rest.  “are  you  okay  with  walking?”

tj   can   only   blink   as   he   registers   the   way   beau’s   eyes   practically   explode   at   the   news.   like—   genuinely   explode.   wide,   shocked,   almost   scandalized.   it’s   honestly   kind   of   funny.   he   watches   the   disbelief   paint   across   his   face   and   just   shakes   his   head,   letting   out   a   short   laugh   under   his   breath.

so   he   really   didn’t   know.

tj   had   assumed   piper   would’ve   at   least   mentioned   it.   the   fact   that   they   were   here,   standing   in   the   luxury   house   of   a   top-tier   idol   from   lumin8,   because   she   not   only   designed   the   whole   place   but   also—   surprise—   yohan   apparently   has   a   little   crush   on   her.   but   nope.   not   a   word   from   her.   which,   okay,   fair.   that   does   say   something   about   piper’s   loyalty.   she   could’ve   spilled   it,   bragged   a   little   even,   but   she   didn’t.   yohan   trusted   her   enough   to   say   it   in   confidence,   and   she   kept   it.

and   well…   tj   does   love   a   little   gossip.   especially   if   it’s   about   his   co-members.   he   doesn’t   mean   any   harm   by   it—   it’s   just   in   his   nature.   the   difference   is,   he   genuinely   thought   beau   already   knew.   that   this   was   common   knowledge   by   now.   guess   not.   he   tries   to   suppress   his   grin   as   he   nods   when   beau   suggests   looking   for   a   nearby   coffee   shop.   but   then—   then—   tj   catches   something   that   almost   makes   him   physically   glitch.

there.   on   the   back   of   beau’s   phone.

it’s   his   face.

or   more   specifically,   a   photocard.   a   selfie.   one   tj   knows   he   took   for   printing   because   he   remembers   cropping   it,   remembers   thinking   was   this   too   much   skin?   (   the   answer   was   probably   yes.   )   it’s   the   one   where   his   neckline   dips   just   a   little,   enough   to   tease   a   bit   of   chest.   and   it’s   sitting   right   there.   on   beau’s   phone.   he   tries   to   keep   his   reaction   casual,   but   inside,   tj   is   spiraling.   this   isn’t   the   first   time   he’s   seen   fans   use   his   photocards   as   phone   decor—   he’s   done   enough   fansigns   to   get   used   to   it—   but   this   isn’t   just   anyone.   this   is   beau.   beau.

beau,   who   once   asked,   without   looking,   “   is   this   seat   taken?   ”   in   a   crowded   school   library,   pointing   to   the   empty   chair   beside   tj   without   realizing   who   he   was   talking   to.   and   tj,   already   halfway   in   love   with   him   by   then,   just   nodded   silently,   trying   not   to   panic.   he   remembered   sitting   there,   heart   thudding   stupidly   in   his   chest,   not   turning   a   single   page   of   his   book   for   the   next   thirty   minutes   because   beau   was   right   there.   close   enough   to   hear   the   rustle   of   his   notes,   to   catch   the   smell   of   his   cologne,   to   memorize   the   little   crease   in   his   brows   as   he   studied.

beau   never   remembered   that   day.   but   tj   never   forgot.

so   yeah.   seeing   his   photocard   on   the   back   of   beau’s   phone—   it   feels   different.   like   something   small   and   intimate   and   real.   and   maybe   tj’s   reading   too   much   into   it,   but   he’ll   allow   himself   this   one   little   moment.

he   keeps   his   hands   tucked   in   his   pockets,   lets   beau   scroll   on   his   phone   while   he   stares   off   to   the   side,   schooling   his   features   into   neutrality.   but   when   beau   finally   looks   up,   tj   meets   his   gaze   with   a   small   smile   tugging   at   the   corner   of   his   lips.   “   okay,   nice,   ”   he   says,   nodding,   then   quirks   a   brow   playfully.   “   yung   five   minutes   ba   na   'yan…   is   that   a   five   minute   walk   or   by   car?   either   way...   do   you   want   to   walk?   ”   he   asks,   looking   at   him   like   he   means   it.   like   this   isn’t   just   about   coffee   anymore.   like   maybe—   finally—   he’s   getting   the   chance   to   walk   beside   beau   not   just   as   an   idol,   not   just   as   a   high   school   memory,   but   as   himself.

[lovebrewed]

i  see  the  galaxies  when  i  look  in  your  eyes and  i,  can′t  speak,  no,  i,  can't  speak  at  all i  swear  to  zeus,  you′re  aphrodite  in  disguise don't  think  that  you  could  hide  it  from  me

[lovebrewed]

carter  was,  without  a  doubt,  one  of  the  most…  animated  people  in  the  office.  and  eugene,  for  his  part,  tried  to  avoid  him  at  all  costs.  it  wasn’t  that  he  disliked  the  man.  dislike  was  too  strong  a  word.  it  was  just…  exhausting.  every  time  they  ran  into  each  other,  eugene  left  the  conversation  feeling  like  he  needed  to  lie  down  in  a  dark  room  and  recalibrate  his  entire  nervous  system.  so  when  he  heard  it—the  unmistakable  trill  of  carter’s  improvised  scatting—his  heart  promptly  dropped  to  his  ass.  oh  no,  not  today.  before  he  could  pivot  and  disappear  back  into  the  corridor,  carter  was  already  upon  him.  eugene  stiffened,  feeling  the  creeping  pressure  of  attention  closing  in  around  him.  he  blinked.  and  blinked  again.  the  silence  that  followed  hung  awkwardly  in  the  air.  five  seconds  too  late—maybe  six—he  forced  a  laugh.  “uh…  right.  haha.  no,  i—uh—i  don’t  usually…  store  things  there.  um.  not  that  there’s  anything  wrong  with  that,  i  guess,  if  someone  does.  oh,  god.  is  that  a  thing?”  a  pause.  eugene  took  a  deep  breath.  “just,  uh…  i  was  just  looking  for  a  spoon.  to  stir  my  tea.  they’re  all  gone.  the  spoons.  for  my  tea.”

         𓏲   dunder mifflin co. break room kitchen          𓏲   with @gckko @bluvvone @roseduet @lovebrewed

" roo - doot - doo — oh , hey superstar . what're you looking for ? did you check up your butt ? " carter follows up with a snort and a heyooo as he leans against the counter , the sound of his brand new khakis rustling heard in the dead silence that hangs after his joke . he clears his throat , very slowly and carefully lifting his notably overfilled mug of plain milk to his lips . the milk is hotter than anticipated and burns his lip , startling carter and causing him to spill a bit on his tie . it goes unnoticed as the man is already focused on putting the mug back down , holding his breath and lowering his entire upper body to keep the milk from spilling . nailed it . he exhales in relief and stands straight once more , resuming his position against the counter with a signature goofy grin to pair . " wasn't up there ? did you try going to the corner of finders keepers and losers weepers ? "

[lovebrewed]

thump.  thump.  thump.

he  felt  it.  the  thudding  pulse  beneath  his  palm.  there  was  heat.  solidness.  the  familiar  rise  and  fall  of  breath  beneath  his  hands.  tj  was  there.  not  just  a  memory,  not  a  ghost,  but  alive.

beau's  mind,  still  swimming  in  disbelief,  couldn’t  catch  up  fast  enough.  and  so  it  was  his  body  that  reacted  first:  exhausted,  confused,  and  starving.  and  then—his  stomach  growled.  beau  winced.  he  hadn’t  eaten  since  yesterday,  hadn’t  felt  hungry  until  now.  because  who  felt  hunger  in  dreams?  who  felt  tired,  or  cold,  or  aching  in  dreams?

but  he  was  here.  heart  pounding  and  throat  dry,  held  together  by  tj’s  arms,  by  the  sound  of  his  heartbeat.  by  something  that  shouldn’t—couldn’t—exist.  yet...  his  body  believed  it,  even  if  his  mind  didn’t.  so  beau  stared  as  tj  led  him  to  sit.  he  didn’t  mean  to,  but  how  could  he  not?  even  as  he  settled  beside  him  at  the  dinner  table,  not  across,  close  enough  for  their  shoulders  to  brush—he  stared.

tj’s  profile  caught  the  yellow-ish  light  of  the  dining  room.  the  sharp  line  of  his  jaw,  his  nose,  the  way  his  eyes  narrowed  slightly  as  he  reached  for  the  rice.  beau  drank  it  all  in  with  the  kind  of  hunger  that  had  nothing  to  do  with  food—like  a  man  starved,  finally  allowed  to  taste  again.  because  he  was  starved.  eight  years.  eight  whole  years  of  looking  at  photographs.  of  rewatching  videos  on  old  phones  and  laptops,  pressing  play  over  and  over  again  just  to  hear  his  laugh  one  more  time,  to  catch  a  glimpse  of  him  alive.  eight  years  of  settling  for  memories  that  faded  faster  each  year.

the  real  tj  was  here,  skin  and  breath  and  pulse  and  present.

beau  blinked,  tore  his  gaze  away  only  long  enough  to  scoop  rice  onto  his  plate.  he  moved  slowly,  cautiously,  like  even  the  sound  of  the  spoon  scraping  against  the  ceramic  might  be  enough  to  break  the  illusion  and  send  him  hurling  back  to  wherever—whenever—he  was  meant  to  be.  the  garlic  rice  was  hot,  freshly  made.  golden  bits  clung  to  the  grains.  it  smelled  like  home.  he  reached  for  the  eggs—sunny  side  up,  the  yolk  just  a  little  runny,  just  the  way  he  liked  them.  had  tj  remembered  that?  had  he  ever  forgotten?  then,  he  took  a  slice  of  chorizo,  cut  it  carefully  into  neat  little  coins,  and  added  it  to  his  plate.  his  spoon  moved  on  instinct—rice,  egg,  sausage,  everything  in  one  bite.

and  then—he  tasted  it.

god.  it  was  good.  so  good  it  nearly  knocked  the  breath  out  of  him.  not  just  because  of  the  flavours,  but  because  it  tasted  like  memory.  like  the  mornings  they  used  to  share.  like  breakfasts  with  bare  feet  brushing  beneath  the  table.  like  love,  tucked  into  every  grain  of  rice,  every  sliced  chorizo  and  mugs  of  hot  cocoa.

tears  pricked  at  the  corners  of  his  eyes.  he  blinked  them  away  quickly,  hoping  tj  didn’t  notice.  he  didn’t  deserve  this.  and  yet  here  he  was,  savouring  every  second  like  it  might  be  ripped  away  at  any  moment.  although...  this  wasn’t  the  kind  of  thing  you  dreamed  about.  you  didn’t  dream  about  eating  food  and  being  able  to  taste  every  single  bite.

tj  had  made  chorizo  for  him  once.  beau  remembered  it  with  stupid  clarity.  back  then,  he’d  burnt  it  to  a  crisp.  beau  ate  it—because  tj  tried.  and  now—although  cooked  certainly  better,  this  tasted  like  the  same  love  and  effort  tj  had  given  back  then.

he  had  always  done  that  for  him,  hadn't  he?  in  the  little  ways.  in  burnt  food  and  haphazard  kisses  and  his  voice  in  the  early  mornings  whining:  '10  more  minutes'.  beau  sniffled,  eyes  burning  as  he  reached  for  another  spoonful.  he  didn’t  even  realise  how  quickly  he  was  eating  until  he  glanced  down  and  saw  his  plate  half-empty.  he  slowed,  just  barely,  wiping  his  nose  with  the  back  of  his  hand.

“ang  sarap,”  he  whispered  wetly.  it  truly  was.  he  hadn’t  tasted  this  in  years.  and  some  part  of  him  still  couldn’t  believe  he  was  here,  tasting  it  again.  because  it  felt  like  everything  he  lost  had  been  given  back  to  him—if  only  for  a  moment.  “kailan  ka  pa  natutong  magluto,  ha?”

as   confused   as   tj   was—   by   the   tears,   by   the   look   in   beau’s   eyes   that   always   seemed   to   be   searching   for   something   he   couldn’t   name—   he   never   once   dared   to   push   him   away.   never   demanded   answers.   never   asked   why   beau   was   suddenly   holding   on   to   him   like   he   was   going   to   disappear   again.   in   his   mind,   this   was   all   still   part   of   the   ache   they’d   both   carried   for   over   a   year.   the   guilt.   the   regret.   the   damage   they’d   done   and   the   healing   that   never   quite   came   easy.

for   tj,   it   was   the   guilt   of   choosing   wrong—   of   hurting   beau   in   the   worst   possible   way.   for   beau…   it   was   leaving.   walking   away.   and   though   tj   never   blamed   him   for   that,   not   once,   he   understood.   beau   had   every   right   to   do �� what   he   needed   to   heal.   every   right   to   put   himself   first   after   the   mess   tj   made.   and   when   things   got   too   heavy,   too   overwhelming,   tj   understood   why   he   left.   he   respected   it.

but   tj   stayed.   through   it   all,   through   the   ache   of   being   left   behind,   he   stayed.   waited.   and   he’d   keep   waiting   for   as   long   as   beau   needed   him   to.   because   in   tj’s   eyes,   that’s   what   love   looked   like.   that’s   what   he   deserved   to   do—   to   wait,   to   be   patient,   to   be   there.

it   had   been   a   lonely   year.   quiet,   hollow,   painful.   and   not   a   single   day   passed   that   tj   didn’t   feel   the   sting   of   regret   in   his   chest.   he   replayed   it   constantly—   the   way   things   ended,   the   way   he   let   the   silence   with   nico   linger,   when   it   should’ve   ended   long   before   it   had   the   chance   to   ruin   everything.   he   should’ve   gone   after   beau.   should’ve   booked   a   flight   to   japan   the   second   he   realized   what   he   was   about   to   lose.   should’ve   shown   him—   not   just   said—   that   his   love   was   real,   and   he’d   do   anything   to   fix   the   damage.

but   the   past   was   the   past.

and   tj?   tj   wasn’t   that   same   boy   anymore.   he   spent   a   whole   year   becoming   someone   better—   someone   beau   could   be   proud   of.   he   was   still   the   tj   beau   fell   in   love   with,   but   now   with   more   clarity,   more   tenderness.   a   version   who   knew   how   to   listen.   who   thought   before   he   acted,   who   didn’t   speak   just   to   be   heard.   someone   who   put   other   people’s   feelings   before   his   own.   especially   beau’s.

so   when   beau   stirs   awake,   tears   still   clinging   to   his   lashes,   and   his   face   falls   at   the   sight   of   the   empty   bed   beside   him—   tj   sees   it.   the   panic.   the   fear   that   maybe   it   all   really   was   just   a   dream.   that   he’s   lost   him   again.   but   tj’s   not   gone.   he’s   just   in   the   kitchen,   quietly   cooking   up   food   on   the   stove,   preparing   something   soft   and   comforting.   because   he   knows   beau—   knows   how   draining   it   is   to   cry   like   that,   to   mourn   something   that   isn't   really   gone.   knows   he’ll   need   something   warm   to   eat,   something   grounding   to   bring   him   back   to   himself.

his   hand   weaves   through   beau’s   hair,   stroking   softly,   fingers   combing   through   dark   strands   like   muscle   memory.   and   he   stays   there,   letting   beau   feel   the   steady   beat   of   his   heart   against   his   cheek—   silent   proof   that   he’s   real,   that   he   never   left.   that   he   never   will.   “   you’ll   never…   ”   tj   begins   softly,   pressing   his   face   to   beau’s   temple,   his   voice   warm   against   his   skin.   “   you’ll   never   lose   me.   i’ll   always   be   with   you.   everywhere   you   go.   ”

he   pulls   back,   just   enough   to   see   beau’s   face,   and   when   he   sees   the   tears   clinging   to   the   edges   of   his   eyes,   tj’s   heart   twists   all   over   again.   his   thumb   catches   them,   wiping   them   away   with   a   touch   so   gentle   it   makes   beau   close   his   eyes.   of   course.   a   bad   dream.   it   all   clicks   now—   the   desperate   way   beau   clung   to   him,   the   fear   in   his   expression.   he   was   scared   tj   had   left.   that   he   wouldn’t   come   back.   and   tj   can’t   blame   him,   not   after   everything.   he   smiles   gently,   taking   beau’s   hand   and   pressing   it   to   his   chest,   right   where   his   heart   is.   “   i’m   okay.   see?   ”   he   says,   voice   light   but   thick   with   emotion,   chuckling   softly.   “   nararamdaman   mo?   hinding-hindi   ako   mawawala   sayo.   ”

and   then,   to   ground   them   back   in   the   present,   he   presses   a   kiss   to   beau’s   cheek.   it’s   soft.   steady.   sure.   “   okay,   kakain   tayo   ng   sabay,   ”   he   says,   brushing   beau’s   hair   behind   his   ear   before   leading   him   to   the   table   where   he’s   already   laid   out   two   bowls—   one   for   him,   one   for   beau.   the   steam   rises   gently   between   them,   the   scent   warm   and   familiar.   tj   pulls   out   beau’s   chair   and   helps   him   settle   in,   sitting   close   beside   him,   knees   brushing   under   the   table.

[lovebrewed]

why is tumblr lying to me my drafts are twice the amount 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[lovebrewed]

it  wasn't  silly  at  all. blair  hadn’t  meant  to  laugh—not  at  sanguk,  at  least.  it  had  just  been  his  first  instinct.  a  knee-jerk  reaction  to  something  so  unexpected.  but  now,  in  the  silence  that  followed,  blair  felt  a  little  guilty.  and  so  the  rest  of  the  ride  was  quiet—not  heavy,  not  cold,  just  pensive.  introspective.  blair  didn’t  speak.  didn’t  even  try  to  make  small  talk.  he  simply  wrapped  his  arms  around  sanguk’s  waist  a  little  tighter  and  let  the  noise  of  the  city  fill  in  the  silence.  the  wind  swept  at  his  clothes,  cool  and  almost  cutting,  but  it  did  little  to  calm  his  nerves.  why  had  sanguk  said  that?  was  it  deliberate?  had  it  slipped  out  unintentionally?  and  if  it  had,  if  it  had  truly  been  a  slip-up,  why  did  it  still  feel  like  one  of  the  most  honest  things  blair  had  heard  from  him  in  a  long  time? maybe,  blair  thought,  maybe  this  was  sanguk  trying.  this  was  what  effort  looked  like  for  someone  who  used  to  keep  things  locked  up  behind  silence  and  nonchalance.  a  soft  little  nudge  in  the  direction  of  all  the  things  they’d  never  said  aloud.  an  offering  wrapped  in  embarrassment.  and  wasn’t  that  what  sanguk  had  promised  to  give?  more  honesty.  more  openness.  and  even  if  he’d  taken  it  back  a  second  later—even  if  he’d  tried  to  brush  it  off—blair  knew  better  now. how  could  he  just  ignore  that? they  were  almost  home  now.  just  a  few  minutes  away.  the  ride  was  too  short—too  fast.  when  sanguk  finally  pulled  up  outside  his  house,  blair  got  off  wordlessly.  he  didn’t  wait  for  sanguk  to  remove  his  helmet  this  time.  he  did  it  himself,  running  a  hand  through  his  flattened  hair  before  turning  to  face  sanguk  properly. “friends  lang  po  kami.”  it  came  out  gentle.  soothing.  something  tender,  the  sort  of  tone  he  only  ever  used  when  he  was  trying  to  coax  sanguk  out  of  sulking.  and  just  like  that,  it  felt  like  they  were  back  in  university  again—blair  reaching,  bridging  the  uncertainty.  only  now,  sanguk  didn't  really  need  the  coaxing.  and  it  wasn’t  blair  doing  all  the  asking.  this  time,  sanguk  was  the  one  opening  up,  and  blair  wasn’t  going  to  laugh.  he  wasn’t  going  to  make  him  feel  small  or  silly  for  it.  he  stepped  forward  slowly,  hesitating  just  long  enough  to  meet  sanguk’s  eyes,  then  reached  out  and  took  both  of  his  hands.  “and  it’s  not  silly  po.”  blair  said,  the  corners  of  his  mouth  pushing  into  a  small  pout.  “jinu’s  just  a  friend  from  work,  okay?  strictly  platonic.”

the   realization   that   sanguk   has   been   overthinking   everything   leaves   him   quiet.   blair’s   laugh   rings   through   the   mic—   light,   amused,   as   if   sanguk   had   just   asked   the   most   ridiculous   question   (   which,   in   hindsight,   maybe   he   did   ).   heat   rushes   to   his   cheeks,   blooming   with   a   mix   of   embarrassment   and   regret.   but   even   with   that   shame   curling   in   his   chest,   he   doesn’t   regret   saying   it.   because   at   least   now,   it’s   out   there.   at   least   now,   silence   won’t   sit   between   them   for   hours—   or   worse,   days.

his   old   self   would’ve   never   dared   to   speak.   the   old   sanguk   would’ve   buried   the   jealousy   so   deep   it   would’ve   started   to   rot.   he   would’ve   ghosted   blair   for   a   few   days,   claiming   he   was   busy,   until   the   feeling   passed.   until   it   didn’t   matter   anymore.   but   now,   he   knows   better.   silence   ruins   things   faster   than   confrontation   ever   could.   and   blair   deserves   more   than   a   quiet   retreat.   so   yes,   even   if   the   question   sounded   stupid,   even   if   he   looked   like   a   complete   idiot   for   asking   it,   he’s   still   glad   he   did.   because   the   weight   on   his   chest?   it   lifts,   just   a   little.

he   doesn’t   answer   right   away.   just   focuses   on   the   road   ahead,   weaving   through   narrow   gaps   in   traffic   with   careful   precision.   it’s   only   when   they   reach   a   red   light   that   he   finally   speaks—   softly,   almost   too   soft   for   anyone   else   to   hear,   if   not   for   the   mic   in   his   helmet.   “   i’m   selos   po.   ”   the   words   are   gentle,   barely   above   a   whisper.   but   blair   hears   them   clearly.   and   now   that   they’re   out,   hanging   between   them   in   the   silence   that   follows,   another   wave   of   realization   washes   over   him.

he   shouldn’t   be   jealous.   not   when   he’s   just   a   friend   now.   not   when   that   privilege—   the   right   to   get   jealous,   to   ask,   to   care   in   that   kind   of   way—   expired   the   day   blair   broke   up   with   him.   time   has   moved.   seasons   have   changed.   but   he   guesses   his   heart   never   really   caught   up.   he   swallows   hard,   trying   to   brush   it   off.   “   it’s   silly,   ”   he   murmurs.   “   please   ignore   that.   ”

[lovebrewed]

blair  was  glad  he’d  been  chewing  slowly.  if  he  hadn’t  been,  he  was  fairly  certain  he  would’ve  choked.  maybe  even  died  right  there  at  the  dinner  table,  with  rice  and  shrimp  stuck  in  his  throat,  all  because  sanguk  had  casually  dropped  the  idea  of  introducing  him  to  his  parents. because…  what? blair  blinked,  stared  down  at  his  plate  like  it  might  offer  him  answers,  and  tried  not  to  let  the  surprise  fully  show  on  his  face.  it  was  weird.  this  was  weird,  right?  inviting  your  ex-boyfriend  to  meet  your  family  for  no  reason  at  all.  not  even  under  the  guise  of  closure  or  some  halfway  convincing  excuse.  just…  dinner.  what  the  fuck  were  they  doing? then  again,  he  wasn’t  really  one  to  talk.  he’d  let  sanguk  into  his  home,  let  him  sit  beside  him  at  the  dinner  table,  let  him  have  dinner  with  his  parents  like  nothing  ever  happened,  like  it  wasn’t  painfully  awkward.  like  they  hadn’t  gone  years  without  speaking.  but  in  blair’s  defence,  it  wasn’t  as  if  he  had  much  of  a  choice.  his  mother  had  taken  one  look  at  sanguk  standing  on  their  doorstep  and  welcomed  him  in  like  he’d  never  left,  and  blair  hadn’t  been  cruel  enough  to  turn  him  away.  even  if  his  nerves  were  frayed  from  the  moment  the  front  door  closed. it  was  all  so  bizarre.  sitting  beside  sanguk  in  this  house,  eating  a  meal  like  this  was  some  casual  catch-up  instead  of  the  walking  emotional  minefield  it  actually  was.  and  now,  on  top  of  that,  meeting  his  parents?  it  wasn’t  that  blair  didn’t  want  to.  he  did.  he  really  did.  he’d  always  wanted  to  meet  sanguk’s  family,  back  when  they  were  still  together—back  when  it  might’ve  actually  made  sense.  he’d  daydreamed  about  what  dessert  he’d  bring,  what  he’d  wear,  what  impression  he’d  leave  behind. and  now,  here  they  were.  the  invite  finally  offered.  years  too  late,  totally  backwards.  and… blair  still  wanted  to  go.  maybe  that  was  the  worst  part?  or  the  most  telling.  because  blair  still  wanted  to  be  part  of  sanguk’s  life,  even  if  it  meant  starting  again  like  this:  careful,  tentative,  and  uncertain.  he  cleared  his  throat,  tried  to  shake  the  shock  from  his  system,  and  placed  his  spoon  down  gently  against  the  side  of  his  plate.  “i’m  always  free  for  dinner,”  he  said,  carefully.  “after  school.  just…  um.  sabihin  mo  lang  sa'kin.  in  advance.”  so  he  could  mentally  prepare.  so  he  could  maybe  try  not  to  spiral  the  night  before.  so  he  could  figure  out  what  to  wear—genuinely,  this  time.  “same  parin  ba  number  mo?”

a   soft   chuckle   slips   from   sanguk’s   lips   at   blair’s   sarcastic   jab.   he   knows   it’s   not   just   a   joke—   there’s   a   sting   beneath   the   humor,   a   sharp   edge   meant   to   cut.   but   that’s   okay.   sanguk   has   learned   to   accept   whatever   side   comments   blair   throws   his   way   if   it   means   letting   some   of   that   anger   out.   if   it   helps   him   bleed   out   the   resentment   little   by   little   until   there’s   nothing   left   to   feel.

and   besides…   he’s   not   wrong.   mothers   really   do   know   best.

his   own   mom   saw   it   from   the   start—   how   much   blair   had   changed   him.   how   much   he’d   taught   him,   about   love   and   life   and   all   the   things   sanguk   didn’t   know   how   to   handle   back   then.   still   struggles   with   now.   but   when   blair   speaks   again,   something   in   sanguk   stills.   the   mention   of   meeting   her—   his   mom—   makes   him   pause   mid-breath.

he   always   meant   to   introduce   blair   to   his   family.   he   just   kept   putting   it   off.   not   because   he   didn’t   want   to—   god   knows   he   did—   but   because   he   knew   how   nosy   his   mom   could   be.   how   she   had   a   habit   of   pushing   too   hard,   saying   things   that   made   people   squirm.   she   would’ve   seen   through   him   in   a   heartbeat,   seen   every   crack   he   tried   to   hide   behind   his   cool   exterior.   maybe   even   tried   to   fix   him.   that   used   to   terrify   him.   but   sitting   here   now,   in   blair’s   dining   room   after   being   welcomed   in   by   his   mother,   sanguk   realizes   something:   maybe   their   moms   aren’t   all   that   different.   maybe   she   wouldn’t   have   pressured   blair   into   anything   uncomfortable.   and   blair?   blair   would   never   let   himself   be   pushed   around   like   that.   he   should’ve   known   better.

so,   he   smiles—   a   little   sad,   a   little   hopeful.   “   you   could,   ”   he   says   softly.   “   it’s   not   too   late.   ”   the   words   feel   strange,   maybe   even   ridiculous,   considering   where   they   stand.   they're   not   together.   not   anymore.   but   still—   he   offers.   “   i   know   it’s   weird,   ”   he   admits,   eyes   flickering   away.   “   but…   since   we’re   starting   over.   as   friends.   ”   he   breathes   out,   steadying   himself   before   continuing.   “   maybe   i   can   pick   you   up   sometime.   when   you’re   free.   we’ll   visit   our   house.   i   can   introduce   you   to   mom,   my   parents—   if   you   still   want   that.   ”   he   looks   back   at   him   now,   gaze   open,   vulnerable.   “   i’m   pretty   sure   she   still   wants   to   meet   you.   and   she’ll   be   excited.   happy   to   know   our   paths   crossed   again.   ”   a   beat.   “   so,   ”   he   says   gently,   “   what   do   you   say?   ”