lowkey-huff

[lowkey-huff]

Rough month. Rough end of the year, for the thirth time in a row. There’s no peace whenever these dates arrive. First was the whole thing with my mother cheating and ending my toxic relationship, second was a sad meeting with dad and momo and nothing special, while aki’s grandma was sick, and now this. I always come back here to rant and vent, Ive been sick to my stomach for weeks. And I feel like whenever I start to feel better something has to happen and throw away all that progress. The group of friends I was so proud of, broken. And I knew that would eventually happen. From the very moment we included redacted person in the group.

I feel like ive seen everyone’s true colors, I feel like Im back to square one, in highschool, sitting alone just being spiteful, full of deppression and hate for everyone around me. They hurt the person I love the most in a way I dont think he’ll ever forget. And now they are giving him the cold shoulder, when they were the ones in the wrong. They tried to make him look like an abuser, a psycho, a huge piece of shit, and it was all bc some stupid girl made up a story, and bc everyone had their own issues they were too coward to speak about, but still, we are the ones getting the cold shoulder. Im sick of seeing my partner cry and suffer, these were his best friends, and they didnt blink an eye before accusing him of all the lies they made up. I hate them and I never want to see any of them again, but these were aki’s friends, and he is the one suffering the most. Im just full of poison and anger, and I cant do shit. And they keep on living their lives as if nothing happened. I highly doubt they have any idea of the damage theyve done bc when I talked to redacted she didnt even say sorry to me. I dont believe shit their sugar coated words saying they were worried about me, like shit you were, I really hope they rotten in hell and have all of this come back to them

I dont even want to write anymore, im done

I hate all of you

I cant see myself ever trusting anyone ever again.

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Also im fat as fuck

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Today is one of those days in which i feel like shit.

Im in Monte with a few friends and what started as something fun turned out to be a sick joke. Today was my first time fishing something big for real. Bc of the excitement and that it started pouring on us as we got it out the water,we werent sure what kind of fish it was. But it was huge. I told Akira and I wanted to gift it to our neighbors and look like the cool person that provided dinner!!! But it ended up being an indefence unuseful inedible big fish. I feel stupid. And we couldn’t unhook it, so we had to left it to die, because said neighbor bour was napping and couldnt help us. Now I have to take care of all that by myself tomorrow, unhook it and throw a dead fish in the water.

I was so excited and now I just feel like I never want to fish again.

I had to take the fucking old bed and now the sofa because matilda was scared of spiders and I cant use my comfy bed. Akira is not even here. He’s back home playing games with Momo and friends. And I feel left out as hell. I feel salty and jealous. I feel sick and guilty of feeling like this, because every single achievement momo does, everyone is proud and happy and wants to hang out and whenever its my turn something comes up. Something else ends up being more important. And shes my sister and i feel proud and happy shes achieving all this, but it also hurts as hell because I wish it was me. I always end up doing things for everyone else instead of myself. I camt even stand myself writing this. I feel sixk and broken and guilty and as if i cant complain bc thats not fair. So i just shut up and smile and shrug it off bc thats what i always do and what ill keep doing.

[lowkey-huff]

Its been pretty much two years since my last update here. And things went down bad and then up again. Everything with Tomas is over, I decided I couldnt stand it anymore and I cut ties with him. It was a mess because he actually thought we would eventually talk again, but I moved on, healed and even started dating someone new. Today we moved together to a new apartment after living for a whole year together at his’ bc of covid.

Everything was a mess. When tomas found out I was dating Akira out of everyone in the world I picture he actually believed Id cheated on him but that never happened. He tried calling me and sent me some harrassing messages. it scared me to death at the time but atst I didnt care.

My parents didnt get a divorce but they did separate. Mom moved out to our older house amd she still hangs with some of the men in question. I try not to think about that. I miss my relationship with her but I just cant forgive her. And it seems shes been like that for years, we just didnt know.

Im better now. Our new apartment is gorgeous and I live near milly now, they have adopted a new border called Bumi.

I want to start therapy eventually, I feel Im somehow still hurt and some random thoughts come back from time to time. I still cant speak up for myself and feel guilty whenever I do something for me. I wasnt this passive before, now I cant handle conflict and I feel super bad whenever someone calls me out. I cant decide ok things, I always please others first.

Im working for Aki and on Momo’s redebut video, but I dont think im improving much. On my art and stuff I mean. I have little space for games and when I could work on my stuff im tired of drawing. I also have no patience at all when it comes to art.

Im better. I have a dream house and a dream partner. I just need to work on my anxiety and fears. Im way too stressed about money and silly things.

Thats it I guess

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Sing it.

[lowkey-huff]

La india - ese hombre

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[lowkey-huff]

got any designs for drawings/decorations in the sand? im decorating my beach area and i want some fun stuff to add near my sand castles and my beach chairs

yes!

[lowkey-huff]

Fishing 🐟

[lowkey-huff]

Guess it's been quite some time since I last ranted here, and I hope no one reads this? I just need to write some things down and get them out of my system.

It's been a couple of rough years, actually, I think I was doing rather good a year ago compared to now, although it didn't feel like it. After a whole year of up and downs in my six year long relationship with my boyfriend, he broke up with me a week before our 6th aniversary. I don't blame him for it. I'm not going too deep, I did some awful things, but I still can't shake the feeling that we wouldn't have had lasted so long together if it wasn't for me. We started dating really young and we had some childish behaviours. Despite everything, despite feeling ignored for a whole year, everything I did was thinking about us. But talking to him and discussing is like talking to a wall. We still talk, nearly everyday. We are both going through some shit with our families. And idk, it sometimes helps talking to him, but most of the time its really hard for me to keep up. Deep down im still hurting, and I know he is too, but what I do know is that I dont want to go back to how things were before, yet I dont think rn is the right moment to cut ties. Atst im scared?? Anxious?? Of my old highschool classmates talking about this whole bullshit.

I feel like its hard for me to trust in people, I feel like I always give more than what I receive, that I live for everyone else but for myself, and whenever I do something for myself I feel guilt.

Apart from this whole madness, the very same day we broke up, I found out my mother had been cheating on my dad for quite some time. They were highschool sweethearts, and I know its wrong for me to that? But I always projected my relationship to be like theirs. And that day, my whole world crumbled. I did many others things I shouldnt have done, I butt in, I took screenshots, I talked to both of them. Despite all that, and knowing I was spying on her, she decided to meet this guy again, and I didnt tell my father, I told her I knew what she was up to, and she told my father herself, thinking she could lie and say they were just meeting to end the whole thing, but I had everything screencaptured. That started the 3WW, they started screaming, mom saying everything was my fault, she even slapped me twice. I decided to got o a friends' with my sisters and spent the night there, just to go back and see that they would like to "try and fix things" again. Now a couple days after that and seeing nothing has changed my father wants the divorce, although he hasnt told her yet. And here I am, jobless, sleepless, loveless, just waiting for animal crossing to come out for my life to have some meaning

Have a picture of me

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life is a lot like shaking trees in animal crossing. sometimes there’s bees

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one time i was at the vet’s office and i overheard two of the vets making fun of a cat for being named soul eater