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[lunarsplotchedwings]

Coming Out

My therapist thought it would be “cleansing” to be public about why I refuse to come out of the closet. It’s a very long and pathetic story so read more is being used.

There is no updates because I don’t want people to know about me or what I’ve been up to. Not any more. As much as I appreciate the few that do check up on me, it’s better this way.

I refuse to come out because last time I did, people I thought were my friends pulled a 180 on me. When they(plural people here mind you)  thought I was a “confused cissie”, they were friendly and understanding and willing to explain things to me. The day they found out that was not the case is when everything went straight to hell.

Overnight, I was supposed to have all this knowledge I didn’t even know existed the previous day. They went from friendly and helpful to flat out rude, potentially even abusive to me. Didn’t matter what I said or did, it was the wrong thing. In my hurt over this, I did something that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my days.

Vague posts were being made, aimed at me. So, I made one back. Regretted it near instantly after posting it, but what was done was done. It got ugly, fast. After more then an ample amount of people pleading with me to cut contact with them, I did. Eventually, I cut contact with them for good. 

Time passed and I thought it was all in the past and that I learned from my mistakes. I was wrong, on both counts. And I got to find out how wrong I was only after the smoke had cleared and I shot myself in the foot and sabotaged two friendships.

Long story short because I really don’t want to dwell more then I already do, I got played. All because of a Secret Santa, no less. Somebody pretended to be my friend while “they” (singular) were telling everybody who would listen that I was harassing them. Why? I don’t know. All I know is the people that was involved with with caught wind I was involved in a Secret Santa while they were doing one and feelings and toes got stepped on. They made a post about doing a background check to make sure no “undesirables” attempted to enter which was actually a brilliant idea. Especially considering what the other Secret Santa ended up being. 

If I am to believe what little I’ve been told, which I don’t have any concrete proof besides word of mouth, they(the plural) had a far more successful Secret Santa and nobody got stiffed out of a gift while the one I was involved in, only people that were the organizer’s “actual” friends got anything. So, the only theory I got is that they(the singular) got upset that the other exchange was far more popular and decided to garner attention to theirs, any way possible.

This whole story essentially ends with me finding out that the odds are the one sending me specific threats and harassment was probably the one that was pretending to be my friend while telling people I was the one doing the harassing. The fact that people associated and stuck with me received harassment only makes it that much more plausible who the true culprit behind it all was.

I got to find that out long after all was said and done and abandoned. That they(plural) couldn’t send me any threats if I had them blocked. And when you block an anonymous , you block the IP address. It was just not possible it was them. Nor could it be anybody they associated with because the ones I did talk to, wanted nothing to do with it at all and just hoped I would move on so that things could just stop.

With what little I had and nothing to lose really, it only left the person that egged me on. And the more I found out, the more likely that was the case. The one telling me what was being said being cagey, that any time I even hinted at not being enthused about keeping up the fight being made with condescending and kind of mocking responses, the sudden black out of communication after I made it clear I refused to engage any longer. Occams razor says the simplest answer is usually the right one.

It really wouldn’t have been hard to find out everything needed to make one sound like they were intimately involved in what transpired all that time ago. I was very loud and open about everything that happened. Too little, too late to keep me from committing social suicide. {And yes I did try to find a better term but that was just the one that fit the best}

I acted rashly, no real thought to my actions, just to get the people I called friends to abandon me. I lashed out, ignored boundaries, answered obvious bait anons in a disparaging fashion, all of it. To protect them from getting hurt I told myself. Instead, I hurt them worse then if I just told them what was happening. That I was receiving threats that they were next on the harassment list for being “intimately involved” with me. Don’t think on that one too much, it makes me want to throw up a lot too. 

But, that’s why. Last time I came out as transgendered, it went bad and that followed me until pretty much now. Went and destroyed multiple friendships over what turned out to be a fabricated cry for attention. Just goes to show that Toxic masculinity isn’t just a cis male thing. And that’s all I have left to say on the matter.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Not dead just gone

Only coming back to dispel that rumor I've been informed of.

...Do miss Zed though....

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Au Revoir

When this posts, I will be long gone from this website. I wish I was stronger than this but I’m not.  I would love my last words on this hell site to be of love and comfort and encouraging but I have lied long enough. I’ve stayed silent all this time but no longer. I’ve scheduled this and queued it on the blogs I could make do as I desired.

This is not for the ones I love. They don’t deserve this. I will miss them greatly. The ones that made me smile every day and tried so hard to keep me going will never be forgotten. 

I feared that my past, during a time where I was at my worst, a weak excuse at the best, was coming back. My fear got the best of me and I acted out of selfish desires, acting like I knew best for others when I clearly did not.  But my problems, personal or otherwise, are not what is important. None of it is. What is important is I am tired.

Tired of the rumors, the back stabbing, the spite, the hair-brained schemes all of it. I’m too old for this high school drama. And I’m done. This time, I am not coming back. Maybe, with me gone, people will heal and maybe, maybe grow up and move on from whatever this was.

To Cecil and Tasha, I know mentioning you both in the same sentence will cause you a great irritation. I sincerely thank both of you for making me the person I am today. It is only appropriate this debacle ends the way it began, a needless shite storm started by a Secret Santa.

From the bottom of my tired heart, I hope you had the time of your life.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

I'm sorry.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

What is your favorite form of art: traditional or digital?

I've been a sucker for traditional for as long as I can remember. It's the raw details that get me. Digital is always just too tidy looking for my aesthetic.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

I no longer know if I should stay in this realm. All I seem to be capable of is hurt and bring used as a tool for pain. Those I care for are doing fine enough without me, perchance even better. I'm. Lost and without purpose. Only these raw wounds remain to make me feel alive. But for how long...

[lunarsplotchedwings]

When I leave this realm of memories and regrets, I won't ask for forgiveness or understanding. All I will ask for is peace before the silence takes me home one last time.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Insomnia is a bastard

[lunarsplotchedwings]

“you’re going to DELETE a post you AGREED with just cuz you found out ops a terf??”

yeah turns out learning that people having uber bigoted ideologies changes the context of the post buddy

[lunarsplotchedwings]

New Zealand banned semi-automatic rifles less than 24 hours after the New Zealand mosque shooting. They addressed the horror guns create and decided to choose their public’s safety. America, take notes.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Significant other got me a rabbit. His name is professor Bun bun.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

I don't even know if it's possible for a "tiny edible" to trigger ptsd flashbacks but this is where we are. Every time I close my eyes the whole shite comes flooding back. Only worse. It's all at once and the knowledge if just once I told either of them of the hate I was receiving keeps vibrating in my ears.

Just. Fuck. People like me can't do shite life this because of this. I want it to stop by any means possible. So fucking stupid. If I told either of them they'd have realized who was doing this long beefier I kicked myself in the crotch.

So obvious now. I'm trembling and I can't stop. This is not good at all. This is painful. Everything hurts. Let it stop. Please stop.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Got high for the first time

And the last time. Never was THAT FUCKED IN MY LIFE. Starting to think all the things that make “normal” people relaxed and unstressed simply have no effect on me. Not the intended ones anyway.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

I don't know if I'm more upset my boundaries were ignored or that I wasn't clear enough in what those are...

When I’m home from work I’m going to very calmly cry.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

When I'm home from work I'm going to very calmly cry.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Monthly Update- March Edition

Going to bullet point this because reasons

Removed myself from several shitty situations, less said the better.

Valentines Day passed with minimum fuss, thankfully. Hatred of nosy pelt has grown.

Been playing more Stardew valley on the xbox one. Found exploits to make game fun again.

Blair seems to have finally adjusted to the apartment.

Work is starting to get more stable again re hours/time working.

Might have made new Tumblr friend/ fellow comrade in fandom discourse garbage.

Sent out new address letters to most of contacts. Rest will be done in March after payday.

Therapy is covering bullshite self sabotage behaviors of mine to keep from repeating past mistakes.

All Fuckers have been blocked.

[lunarsplotchedwings]

Posting this now for the inevitable day when everyone realizes the Democratic Presidential nominee isn’t perfect, and infact has made mistakes:

You still need to vote for him/her. You still need to get Trump out of office. It’s time to put aside purity culture, and this “one strike, you’re out” mentality. Unless they have a cauldron in their basement for boiling children, get the fuck over it.

Trump has done nothing but shame this country since day 1 of taking office. He’s an international embarrassment. Evil. Do I even need to make a list? Google one of his many, many scandals.

No, the democratic nominee isn’t perfect. But they will still be 20x better than the current sitting president. Voting third party, or not voting at all, is basically inviting Trump in for another 4 years. We need to stand together, and get that piece of shit out of office.

Thank you.