m0ssking - Tumblr blog

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bought a new set of notebooks to bullet journal again, going to be that girl... even though i've tried n failed for 6 years repeatedly...

i wanted a hobonichi techo i think they look lovely but not a chance i'm paying £30+ for a journal :,( so i pput it on my wishlist and i'm going to literally just copy the layouts into a little a6 book and put it in my traveller's notebook*

not a real one i got it handmade off a lady on etsy years ago for much cheaper(i think it was cheaper anyway) and prettier than the traveller's company hehe

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therapy was interesting today, two weeks ago she asked me to look at this values exercise and narrow down my important values from the list to my top 6, and we discussed that today, and how much i think i am living those values in my life.

we talked about how i can do more to bring them into my life going forward, so i have to sit down and choose some more concrete goals i can use.

short-term (like everyday to monthly)

mid-term (thinking yearly)

long-term considering what i want my future life to look like 10y down the line

i'm feeling like this is a good excuse to buy a journal personally and do it like how i used to do bullet journaling, but i also know i won't keep it up, so wondering how i can do it on my blog, somehow, so i'm searching some page codes

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things to add to your journals

song lyrics for a specific mood

spotify codes for favourite songs

receipts from a trip

envelope for gifts from any small children you know

pages to press flowers in

ticket stubs

fortune cookie readings

daily three-card tarot pulls

watercolour paper for art

page cutouts

watercolours just in general

pressed flowers

other dried herbs

sketches (taped or glued in)

morning/evening routines

colour in the leftover paper backing from stickers and glue/tape it in

friendship bracelets that may have broken or come off

grocery lists or other shopping lists (glue in if written on other paper)

book quotes

block poetry (you'll have to take a page out of a book for this)

mental health goals

halloween: candy wrappers

fabric scraps

family recipes

different textured papers

stamps

coins

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i am feeling the bpd abandonment lately but it’s with my family instead

i feel like no one wants to spend time with me and anything i do is not okay and not right, i feel very lonely and tired of trying and i don’t want to be in this house being not listened to

i feel like they all talk about my business and expect me to break it off now with my boyfriend and now i don’t want to because he’s the only fucker in the world that wants to talk to me or do anything with me …

surprise surprise when i exhibit the symptoms of my mental illness but no one appears to actually understand that

i’m sick of the effort i’m making for no result like what if i just show everyone how off the deep end i could truly go

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i can feel a tightness in my throat and a “pain” in my chest - it’s not a physical actual pain but i feel like this is the pain of a bpd rejection/unwanted feeling - that’s how i categorize it anyway since i feel it in my chest but it’s not an actual physical chest pain im having (unless it gets really bad).

that in itself weighs me down and i wish to curl away from the world to avoid more hurt.

i actually hate this feeling because somehow it feels like the worst thing in that moment to have to do the opposite thing and not isolate myself

but why can’t i just be alone? if i only relied on my own self to make me happy and meet my needs then i could quite easily - i know that sounds contradicting - but when other people are in my life i want them to meet my needs and help me, but if it’s just me, i wont expect anything from anyone else.

why do i have to need anyone else…?

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i found somewhere to read ygo manga online which is going better than watching anime because i only have the 4kids dub on amazon prime and i do actually wanna get the full story sans the sanitization of some of the darker themes of the story !!

i'm in battle city rn

but can't help but feel takahashi's art got a bit wobbly here some of the panels look rushed, not awful at all i still love the art but i kinda miss the earlier art style before duelist kingdom.. my boy ryo looked so good in his dungeon monster chapters

still love it thhough i like to think of it like the wildly different styles of animation in the anime

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food lately - may 2024

salt and pepper chicken & fries

mushroom pie & chips

teriyaki stir fry & omelette*

*like the smallest omelette ever since i had to split one egg between two people lol

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take figures out of their boxes btw. sew patches on your favorite jacket. go to bed with your favorite plushes. wear the pants you usually save for special occasions. draw something cool on your wall. put a sticker on your laptop. dye your hair and pierce your lips. glass is meant to break, metal is meant to rust. items are meant to be used. that's how the world knows that somebody loved them.

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oh i reblogged one thing from a bpd tag and now the dashboard is suggesting me self-harm posts

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the urge to bleed out on the bathroom floor while music plays in the background

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finished and submitted my final assignment for this module today, so i can rest easy having completed this year. i'm still undecided on whether i'll take a year break or maybe just a longer summer before i get on the next module.

i've tidied my room and the kitchen today and i think i deserve to chill for the rest of the day now and maybe spend some time by myself. i don't often get this.

i feel like my moods are stabilizing but this never feels permanent, it always feels very fragile like the smallest thing can knock it away. right now, looking back on thoughts i was having and what i felt i needed to do, feels very silly, but i can't tell if i'm gaslighting myself into that. it's so hard to tell what i actually want from the whims of a bad or a good mood, which is something i've been attempting to understand with therapy, but it is hard undoing years of work that's put me in this position.

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i spoke with my therapist in my last session about how i felt i struggled with who i am, and especially defining myself outside of other people and people-pleasing

due to past trauma and subsequent relationships with people in my life, i consistently have a struggle with losing the person i am, for someone else, and trying to become what i think they want.

so she asked me to do this exercise in discovering my values because that’s a starting point in figuring my true self out

it was interesting to say the least, i think. it was hard to be choosy out of 60+ in a list. but this is what i narrowed it all down to (and then i decided to put them in a cute notes file)

so, … is this a snapshot of the person i am?

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I talk a lot about urge surfing but I realize reading my blog post about it can seem long and daunting. So here’s some quick things that I think might be helpful!

Urge surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge. The longer you resist an urge, the stronger it seems to get, much like the building of a wave. But it will eventually break like waves do. If you do give into an urge, that teaches your brain that giving into the urge is the only way to make it go away. Over time, as you resist urges, you can teach your brain that you don’t need to act on an urge for it to go away.

Here are some quick notes for when you’re having an urge.

1) Recognize and acknowledge that you are having an urge

2) Notice and describe the thoughts and feelings you are having, without trying to change or suppress them. This may be uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Discomfort while feeling an urge is normal.

3) Remind yourself that:

Discomfort is okay. I can sit with discomfort.

An urge is a desire, not a need. I can have an urge and choose not to act.

Urges are temporary. They will pass, whether I give into them or not.

Some other things you can do are focus on distracting yourself whether that’s by activities you like, grounding techniques or just overall keeping busy.

Remind yourself that you are in control. As hard as it is, you can choose not to act on your urge. It may feel impossible, but you can do it, and reminding yourself of that can help.

Here’s the longer post if you’re interested!

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13/05

i feel maybe i should take a year off from university because i want to actually study proper instead of ignoring the study material and winging the assignments in order to get the pass. it's frustrating that that's all i really need to do to pass, but i do actually want to learn the material since it's my favourite topic. i need to get my life under control.

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The boys are finished and colored 😋 guys this took forever bc I tried ‘painting’ and Jesus this is gonna be something done few n far between lmao procreate said like 8 hrs yeah no 😭 anyways enjoy my blasian Yugi and fukkin scientific anomaly Bakura :3 if you wanna know more abt my Bakura check my second to last post 🫡

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i forgot how much pegasus’ deck takes such a drastic turn from the toon world theme because relinquished and thousand-eyes restrict was (and still is) like nightmare fuel to me as a kid 😭 this creature is so viscerally uncomfortable !!!

i looked up the card art too and it’s worse

please, what is this thing

as a kid i hated it so much i couldn’t watch the episodes, but as an adult … ok i still hate it but i appreciate the horror aspect of it as a monster because i love any monster that’s just straight up weird