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m1zisua · 13 days ago

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All panels are a fan translation of "Scars" by @/ka_akeakamai

It's interesting seeing how Till's feelings are conveyed in this comic alongside his mental battle, this confusingly complicated back and forth he's having with his subconscious evolves, the way his trauma and feelings are portrayed psychologically speaking is fascinating

There are a few themes that are the clearest here: Till feels guilty, Till is grieving, Till is confused, and he's unequipped to handle all of these feelings himself, all at once. I've said it once or twice before, but Ivan's death has forced Till's acknowledgement of him in an irreparably devastating way and this comic shows nothing but the raw result of that trauma and the mental scars Ivan left on him; it all culminates in Till straining against all the revelations and suppression <that he cannot avoid> that's coming back and gnawing at him now in this inescapable scenario

Scars reads like it's meant to cover Till's grief and his post-cure perspective of Ivan, once faced with reality and saved by the rebellion, given a new chance at life, he's forced to come to terms with it little by little. Assumingly this is only part one of the comic, so I think part two will cover more, but this is uncovering Till's hidden inner shell, the guilt and misery he feels in contrast to what Ivan expected from him, had us believing for the longest time, that Till wouldn't care as if all those years meant nothing to Till, now look where they are, and this comic proves that Till does care so so much, but his grief and the way it's explored is complicated because his relationship with Ivan is complicated

The hallucination Till has of Ivan is sardonically mocking, I believe on one hand it's Till's subconscious imitating the Ivan he's familiar with, that childish, smug jerk he was with in Anakt Garden-- but it isn't Ivan who is actually saying this, it's Till, in fact, it sets up the question of if Ivan would even say these things? However, it's more important to acknowledge that Till has developed an incredibly skewed perception of Ivan after what happened in Cure, a version of Ivan manifested from his own feelings, who would say these cruel things as a projection of Till's inner thoughts and insecurities . (It's almost punishing, as this is all Till's self-hatred coming to a head)

Grief is complicated, more so for Till, who didn't understand Ivan so much, but still cared about him deeply. Who can't piece together his own thoughts, or can't put a name to what he feels, whether it's grief, anger, etc... now he's just left in confusion and dread over what Ivan did, releastically he knows Ivan died or him, yet Ivan stands in front of him giving him the same smile, like this is all a bad dream or some game to him

The dynamic between Ivan and Till in this comic is vaguely, hauntingly familiar with a sense of cold detachment, that's how I view them--the intimacy they pose in some scenes is discomforting and invasive for how much it's trying to mimic true comfort and connection (a very good reflection of how dysfunctional and confusing they are to each other), it visibly leaves Till discomforted and unsure how to feel, Ivan's presence is like rubbing salt on a raw wound. I think it's realistic to assume that Till was angered by 'Ivan's' crassness after what he did in Round 6 against Till's will. On top of that, I think it's fair to assume that Till resented Ivan for lashing out at him and then dying with no explanation, too fast and too soon. Till could hardly ever bring himself to hate Ivan, but I can only imagine how twisted it must feel to go through what he did in Round 6/ Round 7 and then the same man shows up again and mocks you, repeating the same things Till already hates about himself because Ivan's very existence in this moment is a mockery, it's the result of Till's own mental instability poking and prodding at him, it breeds resentment and repulsion, so from Till's perspective, he had hated Ivan in these moments

He wanted Ivan to leave; he didn't want to keep seeing him, or to keep hearing him, or to keep feeling his presence as if he were truly there. It's a burden and it's miserable, but at the same time, Till inexplicably cannot bear to let Ivan go-- his guilt is what brought Ivan back after all, that's true. The things left unsaid that he's still pondering are what brings them back to this point, the guilt eats at Till, the longer they "cohabitate" the more Till grows uneasy with the stiff familiarity in Ivan's clingy, overbearing (/teasing) behavior as if they were back in the garden, as if it were normal (ie. Ivan leaning on Till's back, it makes me a little unsettled too not gonna lie, because it's just so off)

There's this detail, "I was able to risk talking to that guy <so long as he stayed behind me>" that much points to Till's aversion to confrontation and the fear he has of Ivan, to put it straightforwardly, Till is afraid of Ivan, not particularly <Ivan>, but he's afraid of the way ivan is so suffocating (overbearing, but also literally and metaphorically suffocating, when Till needs to speak up now, he loses his voice because trauma, and with that, reminders of Ivan when he tries push him back and keep him frozen in space)--

--with that, Till fears what it means to confront him, to confront those fears, to tell him to go away or to ask him where it all went wrong, to think about the possibilities and the mistakes that he can't rewrite, Ivan's death and why he did it, looking into his eyes is intimidating in and of itself.

It feels more representative of Till's avoidance. In the past, to function in his relationships, he had a subconscious wall separating himself from others emotionally. Now it seems like he needs the emotional disconnect that he and 'Ivan' have been maintaining in stagnant, anxious, one-sided interactions to not be driven away; however, a common instance in this comic is that his own guilty conscience challenges his subconscious coping mechanisms

It's when Till finally says it that his subconscious, this 'Ivan', mocks him. Till was trying to stand his ground, but he was hesitant, scared to do even that, wasn't he? There is another detail "Be honest, you had something to tell me, you called me, didn't you?" what that something may be (I don't know yet) but I think this insinuates that Till's inner thoughts mock him for trying to shoo ivan away when he feels like he was the one who brought him here, for treating Ivan like he did in Anakt garden, knowing he cares too much for his own good despite trying to be cold--"That really brings me back, how sentimental of you." (that's how I interpret this dialogue sequence, anyway, because even though it's pretty backwards, the thing is that Till can't fake not caring even if he wants Ivan "gone", he still feels bad, feels guilty, and he's at a constant war with himself for trying to fight it and not wanting to acknowledge it in it's entirety because he feels horrible)

Seemingly a hypocrite, now it just looks like he's just trying to run away like a coward and wall himself off like he did before. Till's breaking down here, so it's not as reliable as just that, but it is self-blame and fear/guilt in conjunction. Subconsciously, there are still questions and things on Till's mind that he can't begin to grasp, he still wants to talk to Ivan, to understand, maybe there is something bigger behind all this, but he denies it because it's too painful, he doesn't want this , so he'll avoid the scenario in case it blows up in his face, and yet it does get out of his control anyway when his head gets the better of him. It's such a powerful and devastating scene for showing Till's grief and self-hatred in such a self-destructive, agonizing way, it's even in parallel to the way Ivan strangled him in Cure, or the ways Ivan would touch him on the throat, like those memories and feelings terrorize Till into wanting to get rid of it and run away, (avoidance coping mechanism )

Another thing, I believe this scene ^ is an analogy for SH (or maybe it is just that, I'd prefer not to speak with certainty on it though)-- as aforementioned, Till has avoidant coping mechanisms, this doesn't stray too far from that, when you (he) hurts himself, it's a distraction from something deeper, this next scene says a lot for that, when Till hurts himself, the hallucinations ease up. Till makes it sound a specific way, as if by doing this, he's just satisfying Ivan, but Ivan can't actually have a reaction to this that isn't a product of Till's influence and Till's emotional state because this Ivan is a figment of Till's imagination, there you can come to the conclusion that this is a part of Till's trauma response that he's not naming, he's doing it to calm himself down. When he redirects himself from confronting his trauma by self-inflicting another pain so extensively, by (momentarily) distracting himself, the burden of Ivan is "lessened."

Side note, it seems far more likely that Till's small habit of scratching his throat in the future stems from this, like a tic or a nervous habit. I really, really appreciate Vivinos adding these kinds of elements into the story, coping mechanisms can become so self-destructive, and with the way it's shown in the story, it's so raw and real, miserable.

On that subject,,, I think I just want to talk about another one of Till's trauma responses that were portrayed here for a moment,, so the different hallucinations of Ivan,

The different ages of Ivan that Till hallucinates all correlate to his state of mind, I assume. The oldest Ivan shows up when Till is at his worst because Round 6 Ivan is the endpoint, the catalyst. When Ivan is de-aged to a child, that may just be Till's subconscious seeking familiarity and peace--a peaceful state of mind. That does happen sometimes in real life when people grieve; it's about the memory and attachment you may hold to that specific time in that person's life, again on Till's guilt, because it seems like Till grapples for familiarity and comfort in those memories he shared with Ivan when they were kids in Anakt garden (Similar to my fishbowl post, Till could always have a sense of attachment and familiarity with the garden because of the family he made there even if he was trapped, he'd hold them dear forever)--

Once Till is in a state where he can regulate himself and mellow out Ivan's behavior, Till processes his grief and feelings, tries to keep calm and figure out how to fall back into daily life, even get back into his hobbies by maintaining control and comfort. Alongside this we see him regressing back to what he and Ivan were before ALNST, falling back into a familiar routine as if they were still in the garden with Ivan watching Till draw over his shoulder (the parallel is just so grief stricken, Till is so attached even if this whole thing hurts him), it feels like a mix of tolerating Ivan's presence like a pest he can't shake off, but that reminds me of their past, it was almost just like that even when Ivan was alive. I don't think Till ever wanted to lose that, despite how Ivan could be, Till still considered him family, cared for him in his own way. Is this another avoidance mechanism of Till's? still choosing not to confront his feelings actively, but instead easing into a false sense of security for a while... (Honestly, I think so)

The following sequence after this is so important to me as it speaks for the purpose of Till's subconscious, and this 'Ivan'. Till's grief manifests this way, to make him question things that he hadn't realized before. Before this point, Till didn't understand so much about Ivan or how he felt; he could do this, he could push things to the side, he didn't think to confront these things. Till drew a lot, Till drew all of his friends, but Ivan didn't know this. Till corrects Ivan like it should've been the most obvious thing, yet he starts to question himself. He tells Ivan, "Why would I show drawings to the person I was embarrassed to show them to." To that, it seems like Till then wonders, "Should I have shown it to him?" after he has a reaction when baby Ivan, quote unquote "aegyo cries" (🫩) like he's been set up to think twice about that when otherwise, he wouldn't have thought much of it, in a moment of self-reflection there is once again guilt --"Are you regretting it?"

'Ivan' grins back at him like it's a jab. I think there's a certain brief realization and reflection about his relationship with Ivan for Till after that, maybe that he should've gotten over his shyness and tried harder to get closer to Ivan to understand him, like Till always mournfully laments about his relationships. His hesitancy and lack of regard for maintaining them properly (I explain Till's difficulty with his relationships more thoroughly in another post ), the realization that he's too late gets to him, *And Ivan then gets older, a sign that Till's temperament was slipping, possibly, but again, Till seems to brush it off when things get uncomfortable, stepping back. (I don't think he really did stop thinking about it after this) If this comic was approaching Till's grief and all his traits that kept him behind in a safe little shell, such as his coping mechanisms and his avoidance, then I think the next logical step would be showing him growing from that, little steps at a time, hopefully (🫩)

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