made-of-words-blog

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A Letter to My Darling V

"I'm not sure why I write anymore. I suppose I write for the ghost. The shadow of something I used to feel, When I'm smiling about a new life. The old laughter that I used to laugh seems to be all but gone in the place I can't be left without. Echoing between my ears after each screech of silence in the night, in the domain of my own mind. Every heartbreak I've had the pleasure of enduring sticks to the foundation of what I think I used to be. And the thing about changing, is that you can only see where you are by comparing where you were. It's hard to see if you'd find land you lost in the sea you promised yourself you'd embark on. You left the shores of yesterday and you sure as hell can't go back even if you know the sun felt a lot better when the sand got in between your toes and the waves crashed at your feet, not on your hull, but there isn't a thing you can do about it except keep sailing towards tomorrow. This is not to you. Or her. Or them. This one is for me. This one is for the cracks that I've tried so goddamn hard to fill in with faux cement created by nothing more than words of the future and vintage memories of the past mixed by the swirl in my head when the wind passes and sounds like the breaths of ghosts. It's held together pretty fucking good but the pieces I've given away have been stolen for good and the scraps are ruins of the war zone that has been fought reclaiming my heart. Not that you or her or them have made me any less of a person than I know I am, or that I deserve any less because of it, but I know that I am who I am because of what happened. So here I am. Lost. Still navigating the stars, the same ones I looked at back when the ground was beneath my feet. I can still remember the simplicity of it all. The stars were dreams that I spent countless nights conjuring, and each one felt just as distant as the last. Then I discovered that the world I had come to base my reality was isolated and lost in the vacuum of darkness, with the sun so distant. There was nothing left. The stars are no longer at my fingertips, they're lost in the sky. And like them I too, am lost. So I look to them for a map, for some kind of guide, to find my way back home, or at least to someplace familiar, someplace where I don't have to worry about this letter reaching where it was destined to go. These messages in a bottle, trailing like breadcrumbs, from the last heartbreak to the next one. To the next ghost that plucks my guitar strings, puts ink on that paper, or puts a melody to the sadness. To the next time the stars align. Until next time darling."

-B.L.

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Mariposas Hermosas

"Beside the trash heap a field of glass twinkled under the dry sun, with graceful butterflies floating on heat waves, set on fire, left to burn. My feet sank down and gathered wounds with not a miracle in sight. The father sank into oblivion, and questioned the sinner, "Was god destroying, or being destroyed?" I couldn't bless a step past any foreign land when you spoke of foreign love - because I've always been a creature of comfort, a hermit of blistered hands and tired hearts, in a world all my own. But past that world, you're still there. And you know it still fucking sucks - seeing a car that mirrors yours, speeding past memory lane and every known road altogether. Hearing a syllable that rhymes with the way you used to tell me you loved me in the daylight as in the moon. Seeing a pair of eyes whose waves crashes on past shores, and the ship you thought docked long ago voyages out again - Despite no sail and no captain. You have always been a sailor and you always will be. And it still fucking sucks that even though I have no idea where the hell you are, my mind still thinks you're here, setting sail with me one last time. My feet bleed walking on this beautiful, barren field of glass in the stillness of arid air while these butterflies, that hath been cast in inferno, continue to praise spring and the rebirth of the poppy, despite the fire despite the pain despite the beauty because doing something is better than do nothing at all - and I'd rather be set on fire than linger on you any longer." -B.L.

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The Warmest Winter

"There was a time when I could only watch as my world slowly blew apart, as it was slowly destroyed, as everything faded into nothing, and left you - Just you. We learned to walk home alone from the fallout from the catastrophic blast with the intensity of a million suns. Lost words pierced the stillness, ricocheting off your deathly stare, and breaths were deep and abundant; maybe that's why my lungs were burning, maybe that's why my lungs were scorched - from breathing fire with bitten tongues. Maybe because we knew what death felt like, because we were cold from the fervor of singed ice. The lights that managed to survive bubbled one by one, on and off, far away and far too dim because we knew they didn't matter - no other lights mattered but the one you offered, the little light you gave me. You told me if I lost my mind that'd be fine, I'd be fine, we'd be fine - but I haven't found it since. I had to shower off the radioactive ambience, so I left to find comfort in something familiar, but left your arms, and realized my mistake. You cried when I left You cried when I left You cried when I was no longer there to wipe your tears anymore, and you cried when I returned to steal more from you. The wind teemed with nuclear fallout since the bombshell, and ever since I saw your eternal flame my world was never the same. We walked in piercing light trying to find God because I've never lost someone like you and I never want to. Not to myself, and certainly not to them. Because together, we were Death, the destroyer of worlds, and ever since I realized I loved you my world was destroyed and was replaced by you." -B.L.

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A Letter to My Darling IV

"A blue supernova dilated my pupils and I was eccentric to know your light, your rebirth, and your fall. It stared me straight in the soul and shed the universe on me in the form of tears on my chest. I wrapped you up in my arms. As a figment of time we altered the barrier between what is and what isn't, and how it isn't upon you to decide. Once upon a sleep I was a liar in a dream and I smoked cigarettes, bad habits that loved to seep into my subconscious. Just as you had. I never stop dreaming of you. Your smile beckoned me to notice as its long-awaited gleam only reappeared when I wanted it least. I met you when I was younger and naive and unbelievably lucid. Every time I awoke, a song reverberated and I could never know what it was, until I heard it again - in your eyes. In your fucking sky blue eyes and molten lava love and fabricated patches on your quilted heart. As far as I cared it was warm, vast, and indestructible. It was reserved as an ocean is against the levies, upon which not enough hard drilled cement could withstand. Even with rebar and structure. I still do not know if you kept the stones we picked off the beach, the ones that were worn down from years of being lost in the undertow and predictably smooth, even for callused hands. For an eye for an eye you could have the pebble I promised and the change that comes with it. We had both of ours and they showed what our eyes were, once revealed in the twilight gloom. I built temples around the words you shot and the dreams and ideas I memorized but never wrote down. In my glory and with my sins I worshipped what I could and banished what I couldn't. I was a mere pawn, and between you, me, and God, I have never been so alone. Then and again a butterfly would come dancing in the morning sun and whisper what I wanted to hear. She would say she wasn't a caterpillar and that her wings have spread and become beautiful and it will one day attract a mate and she would no longer have to worry about a stagnant lover. When we would lie beside each other, on the wall your gaze would reflect blue, rippling over sturdy walls. I was hidden away in the cavern of impossibility and for the few seconds I could write or strum you were not there. I don't think he deserves you. Galileo went blind looking at the sun, and I promise your cyan nebula will be the last thing I see. I was the beginning and I will be the end. Time will never hurt me and I will be the remedy to death. Stars and planets will form from the grave and I will be infinite to better match the depth in your iris. I no longer have blue skies, since your icy eyes went away. It's the difference between salt and sand, and fickle hearts and dust in the wind. I can't be what I always was if I survived the crucible. I saw you wash ashore, and from the tree line you walked up and decided not to signal a flare but to chase the demons deeper into the wood. An epic told once of bravery but your heart is eternal, so as the gods of new turn old and fade into history books your grace will persist. What did you do to her? The girl I once knew? Where were you when I was in the backseat? Did you even see who was driving me into the divide? You saw a penny in the fountain of wishes that you wanted for your thoughts and I guess you never looked back. I shouldn't either, it's a good way to fall six feet in the wrong direction. If one day i can't remember your smile, please forgive me and relish in the fact that my dreams will never let me stop seeing you happy, or stop me from reliving the cosmos in your eyes. Being with you was the happiest I've ever been. Although my words remain in a drunken slur I will always be able to find the right way to tell you that I love you. Please leave the door unlocked for when I get home because darling I lost my key, and I've been out on the road so long and all I need is shelter from the dark night. The flower you planted in my heart has wilted and although it decays and sits alone, it's still most beautiful thing I have ever seen. That old butterfly still flutters, and when it begins to perch on something incapable of life, it too will fade away. They are neither codependent nor independent but as long as they die then their secret smiles will die too. And my darling, there isn't a god damn thing I can do about it." -B.L.

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Cosmic Permanence

"The last time I saw you, I tasted cherries and aged lager With drunken slur I charmed your smile and revealed scars seen only in a dim lit room As young as the night, as naive as we were, we gave in; You had the kisses of a storyteller with each feel of your lips turning the pages of my favorite book, the story of a darling who couldn't tame the world Each time we came near you were possessed by the ghosts of every broken heart You gave me your love with every fiber of being, with the loss of a widow and loneliness of the moon Your pearlescent skin beamed onto my dark skies and we were so close - the energy of existence coursed through us, along with our chemistry, smaller than atoms but bigger than life I never stopped smoking cigarettes not since I lost your flame, when could no longer inhale what you weren't able to give It is a big burden have a big heart, giving the entirety of your love to each fair lover, carrying the weight of the world and still be able to rise each morning to light the dawn beginning the sunshine of day They don't deserve you. You are worth more than the richest kings and the holiest saints and one day you'll be strong but for now I'll just have to watch you fall pick up your pieces and start all over I will be here a forgotten lantern awaiting the day you need clarity and to see the light again With ignition, I will burn brighter than the sun move at the speed of light and I will ever end I will be infinite for you, my honey For now you are alone and I at edge of the universe will remain, until called back home." -B.L.

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An Interlude of Stars, Stones, and Broken Pieces

“To the only girl who’s ever loved me - I lie, staring at a ghost of you now across the plain of this pillow Looking up, into the stars obstructing the infinity and the waves of suns lost upon the waters above Dance with me on the old dock made of cement and tears, now crumbling trying to withstand the test of time Hear the songs of old upon the delicate tool used to understand words of pain and love Lights may flicker in the distance, and the ghosts of infernos remain burning in the sky but alas you, and I, and the simple sway of our bodies’ rhythmic motion set away your troubles for a different day, last night we stood together, on old landmarks and we faced the eternity of interstellar love. To the only girl who’s ever loved me - Show me where you go when the moon is brightest and your constellation leads you home Do not tell me there is no easy way to happiness I found it between the gaps inside nothingness in your gaze, where there isn’t loss in the gloom of a room that no longer exists only veiled upon exiting the entrance of a fickle heart. To the only girl who’s ever loved me - I hope one day you find it, the happiness you lost one day when you were surviving I hope one day you find the answers to everything left unsaid I hope one day this will all be worth it because it fucking better be.”

-B.L.

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Absolute Infinity

"She is back and she is someone different. After bandages wore off, when the wolves had their say, the old way her arms wrapped around my neck and the well known way her face gently grazed mine, like an artist abusing his palette to create a masterpiece - It's finally all gone. She wanted to recreate, to rebuild from broken parts but this puzzle is missing pieces; The instructions vague, the jigsaw askew, from familiarity from loneliness out of the shadows and into the incandescence I saw her again in a new light with a foggy glow, a chapter of an old book hidden in between pages. It changes the ending perhaps a tragedy turned to an epic, as Odysseus returns blood is shed and her embrace belongs solely to the victor. As conquest I set to reclaim lost ground, and break new. This mysterious stranger pulled a knife in the night, "If you love your life you'll love me", so to stay alive I am at love's whim, to die to live to forget what had happened with broken pieces, and misty eyes; to return to a sailor, but not from the seas. The world was always ending, now it's just in slow motion. She turned and prayed for absolute infinity, but all she received was me." -B.L.

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Notes to Myself, Vol. 1

"When will you stop torturing yourself, and start letting the sun shine through the window?" -B.L.

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The scariest thing about the world is knowing it goes on when you’re not there.

Eric Kahn Gale, The Bully Book (via wordsnquotes)

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“Nothing in the universe resembles God more than silence.”

Meister Eckhart, as quoted by John O’Donohue in Four Elements: Reflections on Nature (via silentcathedral)

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I live in my suffering and that makes me happy. Anything that keeps me from living in my suffering is unbearable to me.

Roland Barthes, from Mourning Diary (via lifeinpoetry)

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Autumn Queen

"Crafted during a full moon, this is probably the last poem I will write about you for many lunar cycles to come. 'It's when October skies are screaming at the moon, and when the wind speaks the language of bones, when the dancing leaves cascade the cement streets, when the sun shoots rays of phosphorous orange twinkling through the trees, the beams of warmth hiding your cool lips - I see you my Autumn Queen, ruling the stillness and the displaced chiming of the heartbreaking breeze. There are no masks that can hide my love. As the full moon is cloaked in clouds, in the coldest night of the longest day becoming only vast emptiness, all but shelter remain. Your eyes lurk in the maze waiting for the day my summer heat dies and what's left are my shaking hands of pale white skin and the love only a dead man can receive the love granted only by the season of royalty.'" -B.L.

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Shaken Until Stirred

"It was always harder to get drunk when you had a reason. Something that you wanted to just disappear to go away and vanish under the rocks. My reason was always you; if there were a message in a bottle destined for your shores I'd tell you to drink again for me; To tell me all the things you don't want to say and all the things I don't want to hear. To become stupid dance on those meager thoughts to plunge into madness and utter intoxicated chaos, because my weakness is foolish girls. I want you to lose all inhibitions to lose your mind Show me what I mean by definition, so I know I'm not alone when I say I love you from the bottom of the bottle not the bottom of my heart. You will show me the stars that you're shooting by taking shots and I'll make a wish for the brief time that you're mine but my wish is the impossible - to catch something infinite unbound by my embrace when you don't want it to end because you want a happy ending. I'll tie your knots I'll save your noose I'll always be here but please darling pour another and show me who you are when you have no chaser, and what you do when the wine isn't as bitter as the loneliness in your glass." -B.L.

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Memories I: The Iceman Cometh

“I remember a blizzard that blotted out the sun, froze the roads, and delayed flights to paradise. I stood still with you by my side as the world turned to ice. The winds were roaring through your hair and between our hands and one day it took you with it; And no matter how many times I’d embark on those snowy roads to you arms I couldn’t find you. I’d reach out to caress your beautiful face but eventually the weather blinded me - left me cold left me frozen in time frost bitten cast out on the world hair freckled with snow tears frozen on my face wondering why I left your warmth at all, why I neglected the flames of the fireplace that is your heart, and condemned myself to an ice age all my own.”

-B.L.

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Insufficient Funds

"I was once very rich, whether it was in a past life or with you. I never frowned for I had everything I needed. There was not much more I could want, I already had the world in my pocket; The sun was mine so I didn't save, I spent a lot. But I didn't spend my money, time, or love wisely. I went bankrupt, and now as I go through withdrawals I have nothing saved. With a poor heart and an impoverished soul, I stare longingly at the eyes of distant lovers trying to remember what it was like to be on top of the world, to be in your arms, and to be wealthy in a commodity not many have - In happiness. In a past life with you, or another, I was happy - and that's all the wealth I've ever needed." -B.L.

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Revelations I

"I spent the summer being sad; sorry for myself, sorry for wasting your time. When fall came around and everyone left, I was still there, clinging to the wild thoughts of a hopeless romantic, chasing down delusions of grandeur. But there will be no rain beating down on our faces, perfect lighting illuminating our smiles, clear skies over held hands with kisses of poetry; Only dark lonely nights, cold and shaking, stormy weather, and solemn faces. There is no sunshine here. This is not a love story. Just a sad reality that good times never last no matter how you phrase 'The end'." -B.L.

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A Letter to My Darling III

"I don't miss you. I long for you. Like a distant memory or a dream you wake up from too early, you just want to relive it. Remember how it felt to be in a better place than you are now. To live in a state of euphoric bliss, ignorant to the trivialities of daily life because the dream you were living was too important. When you wake up, you're confused and you have no idea what had happened because one minute you were on top of the world and the next you're laying alone in your bed. And honey I just want to go back to sleep. I long for my mind to become too active when I'm unconscious. When I'm blind and the world remains just a thought outside my bedroom window. I long for you to one day walk out of my dreams and into my life again, so I don't have to wake up wishing for one more chance at happiness. I can't miss you anymore because you aren't coming back; it'll never get better. But I can't help reminding myself that I still think of you, even though each thought is salt to my wounds. I can't wait any longer for my heart to heal but I can wait until you're happy, at least then the pain will be worth it. I hope one day I'll see you with a smile on your face and that you won't have to fear love again. That your smile would be a product of your own, and of course with a little help from sunshine. Your radiance will echo every day for the rest of my years, and I will never forget you." -B.L.