manicscales

[manicscales]

It’s my understanding that if the problem is temporary wouldn’t a solution that fixes it permanently be the desired outcome? Why is it that when it comes to humans, a permanent solution to a temporary problem isn’t desired?

[manicscales]

That’s the cruelty of it all; You can feel bad about not having anyone but voicing that discomfort is frowned upon and seen as clingy behavior. But if I decide to drink or do drugs to cope with the reality of it , I’m the bad guy.

[manicscales]

god please let me fall in love with someone. i want to be able to trust someone so much that i can hand my life over to them and they won’t do anything i don’t like. i’d let them collar me, hide me away, beat me, i don’t care. i just want to be loved for who i am and not what i am as a concept in people’s eyes

[manicscales]

The phrase “Su1c1d3 is a permanent solution to temporary problems” never really made any sense to me because don’t neurotypical people usually enjoy not having to come back to a problem? Wouldn’t a permanent solution fix the problem?? (I understand what they mean;I’m just severely su1cid4l and don’t care anymore)

[manicscales]

I often fantasize about the life I would have if I weren't mentally ill

[manicscales]

Having to show up like 10-15 minutes earlier to work because you have no car sucks. Especially when the one dropping you off is your ticking time bomb of a sister. Yes I got out of the car when you dropped me off, I’m afraid that you’re going to yell at me over things I can’t control (other people parking in front of our house) and ruin my day and I have to be in a good mood for work. I wish I wasn’t so bad at managing money and stuff.

[manicscales]

[manicscales]

And the worst thing about all this; I still have to pretend to want to live another day. Hooray.

[manicscales]

Maybe being put first will fix me. Just maybe.

[manicscales]

I feel like I’m flying too close to the sun..why don’t I like him? He’s saying all the right things

[manicscales]

Sometimes i remember that the normal amount of suicidal thoughts is zero and i get real fucking sad. I think about dying so much that the fact i have to remember that it is not normal is concerning

[manicscales]

Whenever I see a post that someone has committed suicide, I can't help but feel sad and envious. Sad coz they weren't able to fight the problems that they had, and envious because I can relate to them and they were courageous enough to go through with it. I feel like they can finally rest from all the pain and sorrow, all the overthinking and anxiety. They can finally stop being a burden to those they love or used to love. Sometimes I wish I had that strength and courage

[manicscales]

I shouldn’t feel bad for taking up space, yet here we are and I feel like the world is ending.

[manicscales]

Ignoring life trying to show me that I'm probably not meant for love, or even happiness in general, is my biggest flaw.

[manicscales]

I Don't Expect You to Love Me

I don't expect you to love me

the way you loved her.

But is it too much to ask

even a quarter of what you can give?

I don't wish for you to see her in me,

I don't wish for you to forget and replace her anyway.

Is it so hard to write another chapter

added into your book, that still holds the previous ones?

Is it so hard to hold the pen again

and start all over again?

Why not give 'love' another chance?

After all aren't we all humans that were built through God's love.

~Arya @crystalsnmoon

© 20 March 2025, Arya Nanda Ajith @crystalsnmoon

[manicscales]

i tell you over and over that you're so pretty. the vanity of it makes you laugh.

you tell me over and over that i'm so funny. the friendliness of it makes me cry.

[manicscales]

Born to be a choice, cursed to be an option.