mapstomyhouse

[mapstomyhouse]

Life was not a story that ended on a resolution or a revelation. It was like this puppet show - a gentle, ongoing state of ups and downs that contained of illusory transcendence and ultimately built to nothing, no epiphanies, or so many epiphanies that they ran together and were forgotten. Maybe it breathed like a paper flower, expanding and contracting. Maybe it was something you just did to pass the time.

- life of the mind by Christine Smallwood

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“Feelings, Dorothy often tried to explain could be as catching as a cold. You never knew ahead of time how sick they could make you” - Christine Smallwood (Life of a Mind)

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Papa Hobo by Paul Simon

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At the time, I was seeking oblivion, and I sought in those blank anonymous faces, even the most painfully familiar, a kind of benign escape. A death that would not mean being dead - Annihilation (Jeff VanderMeer)

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“A person can waste their whole life, without even meaning to, all because another person has a really great face,”

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“ We might say, something in us always resists being grasped and understood, and in that sense, opacity may be seen as a sturdiness in us — and that connects to self sovereignty”

It is only when one resists the possibility of mastery or the urge to master is taken away by someone else; that one gets to experience

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“Trauma, I argue needs to circulate; it needs to be revisited[…] maintaining a hospitable attitude to the revisitation[…] does not overlook the impact of trauma but offers instead a way of working with the recognition that we cannot turn away from our traumata, which we are strangely drawn to.”

- Avgi Saketpoulou “Sexuality Beyond Consent: Risk, Race, Traumatophilia”

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So many great quotes in Strangers to Ourselves by Rachel Aviv. These are all from one chapter

“What can can a psychiatrist say to an alienated Sisyphus as he pushes the boulder up the mountain? That he would push the boulder more enthusiastically more creatively, more insightfully, if he were on Prozac?” - Carl Elliot

“Everybody is dealing with how much of their aliveness they can bear” Adam Phillips

“I told my friends that I was afraid I would love my child. When I’m honest with myself, I realize that I feared the opposite : my love would be so massive that I’d become unrecognizable to myself”

Somewhere I had lost the power to experience

“If depression can be conceived of as a blockage or impasse or being stuck then it’s cure might lie in forms of flexibility or creativity more so than pills or the absence there of”

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The mainstream media, beholden to state actors for information and corporations for support, will only give us a truth that does not challenge the systems it is enmeshed in. 

I think this is all true, but, I also think, we enjoy and participate in this—that we are consensual partners in this manufacturing of consent. And I think we do this because it is emotionally regulating to do so. To perceive different truths, to allow ourselves to go out of frame, would be to destabilize our emotional lives, which, in the U.S. and other western countries, we have been taught should be as frictionless as possible. 

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“It is interesting, though, that a strong psychological tendency is now manifesting itself to restrict and defy the force of love in erotic relations, and this is because such relations do involve to every individual some measure of compulsion and dependence. One type of the present younger generation will not acknowledge any feelings of love, even for a sexual partner or a child, trying to base every human tie on reason alone, so greatly dependence feared by them” - Melanie Klein Love Hate and Reparation (1964)

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Little did you know I’d be gay AND poor. But still a shitty writer

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Computer. show me Bruce Springsteen image

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White and greys for when your atrophy feels egregious

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When you get an orthopedic desk/chair/keyboard/mouse

From "Exploring the World of Robots" by Jonathan Rutland, 1978. (via)

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Echo Beach New Year’s Eve

3 mixes by DJ Fuck Yall (me)

I was gonna make one three hour long New Year’s chiller mix but I decided to split them it up into three mixes you can play in whatever order you like. I was thinking of when Shania Twain and Mutt Lange put out three simultaneous versions of Up! where each CD was a different color and production style, and the styles were country (green), pop (red), and Bollywood (blue). Shortly thereafter their marriage imploded when Mutt cheated on Shania with some friend of theirs, and then after they split up Shania ended up with the cucked husband of the woman she’d been cheated on with. Some real Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice stuff. Isn’t life funny? Anyway these mixes have different tracklists and themes but they’re spiritual triplets. They’re also inspired by my brother recently posting a lot of little video game environment GIFs lately with captions specifying a city and year. He also made GIFs that I screencapped in this post because I have no idea how to use tumblr anymore. This is also in the spirit of the Glass Bricks mixes he and I made together, which were about our nostalgia for our late 80s/early 90s Los Angeles childhood, probably subconsciously as a mental escape from how horrible 2016 is. And very inspired by “San Junipero” which made me think about what mind-clubs I like to go to. All the first dance clubs I went to were 80s nights, so this is a loving tribute to 80s Night at Club Hell in Providence (RIP) and the 80s room at Club Bang, especially late in the game when Bang stopped being hip and was all Valley bridge and tunnel kids like me dancing to Yazoo. Los Angeles 1983 is inspired by that weird cusp of the end of the 70s turning into the 80s. London 1985 is inspired by the Batcave club and all the goth nights it launched. Tokyo 1988 is the Sophistipop mix I’ve wanted to make forever but finally did, in honor of New Year’s being the most sophistipop holiday. Celebrate New Year’s Eve in my Echo Beach of the mind.

(Disclaimer: the songs in each mix aren’t all from the year listed, and might spill over. Also some of them are fuzzily ripped but just consider it part of the vibe.)

Los Angeles 1983 (70s Rock & West Coast Jazz)

“I Feel Like Dying” - Larry Norman

“Sentimental Lady” - Bob Welch

“Indiana Wants Me” - R. Dean Taylor

“Heartbreaker” - Nantucket

“Blue Lady” - Elliot Lurie

“Prime Time” - The Tubes

“Van Nuys Blvd.” - TKTK

“Dr. Jesus” - Michael and Stormie Omartian

“Eye In The Sky” - The Alan Parsons Project

“Long Distance Runner” - De Garmo & Key Band

“No One There” - Eric Tagg

“Let’s Get On With It” - Barry Manilow

“Open Up” - James Felix

“Never Turnin’ Back” - Bruce Hibbard

“Who’ll Be The Fool Tonight” - Larsen/Feiten Band

“Is It You?” Lee Ritenour ft. Eric Tagg

“(Baby) This Love That We’ve Found” - Heat

London 1985 (Darkwave & Synthpop)

“Pale Shelter” - Tears For Fears

“Passion” - The Flirts

“Echo Beach” - Martha And The Muffins

“Sexbeat” - Sexbeat

“Another Time Another Place” - U2

“Metal” - Gary Numan

“State Farm” - Yazoo

“Safety Dance” - Men Without Hats

“Let’s All Make A Bomb” - Heaven 17

“I Could Be Happy” - Altered Images

“I Love You Too Much” - The Human League

“Cities In Dust” - Siouxsie And The Banshees

“Frozen Faces” - Propaganda

“State Of The Nation” - Industry

“Faces” - Clio

“Music That You Can Dance To” - Sparks

“Uncertain Smile” - The The

Tokyo 1988 (Sophistipop & New Wave)

“Windswept” - Bryan Ferry

“Hand To Mouth” - George Michael

“Eyes Of A Stranger” - The Payolas

“Wishful Thinking” - China Crisis”

“Message To My Girl” - Split Enz

“Steppin Out” - Joe Jackson

“Tinseltown In The Rain” - The Blue Nile

“Something About You” - Level 42

“Wood Beez (Party Like Aretha Franklin)” - Scritti Politti

“Things Can Only Get Better” - Howard Jones

“Hey Little Girl” - Icehouse

“The Worst Year Of My Life” - The Wild Swans

“Everything She Wants” - Wham!

“Oblivious” - Aztec Camera

“Cherry Pie” - Sade

“Last Time Forever” - Squeeze

“Rain” - Bob James