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[mariana-oconnor]

Yep, that Roar post got a content warning. That's fair. That's entirely fair.

[mariana-oconnor]

Roar - Episode 7 - The Spear of Destiny

omg omg omg it's happening it's really happening. MACGUFFIN TIME!

Well, not technically a MacGuffin, I know I know, MacGuffins intrinsically have no purpose, they - much like female characters in many older stories - could be exchanged with a sexy lamp without any alterations being made to the script.

Time to make some hot chocolate and curl up with another episode of this show. I know like 1 person in the world is reading these post (Hello One Person Reading This!) but I like making them. And I can't wait to see what header image I find to put here:

Was it good? I don't know yet.

Once upon a time, Uncle Fergus was telling the incredibly Australian children of Ancient Ireland a fireside tale and like all good children of every era and nationality, they want to be scared...

(niche fandom overlap joke there)

Which brings us to the tale

Not the dramatis personae I was expecting, but sure.

Conor let's another guy steal his sword just like that, which I feel is swordsmanship lesson 101: You should be the one holding your sword. Not the other guy. I don't know a lot about swords, but I know that bit.

Also, complimenting the size of another man's sword is possibly not the look you want to be going for here, Mr Anonymous Probably Dead Guy. Unless this conversation is going in a direction I don't expect.

Now to play a game I like to call Where's Tully?

Nope, no Tully here.

What about over there? Is that Tully?

No, that's the hordes of Mountain People. So many of them. Look at all of them.

The choice of an open mountain here was interesting. I feel like they could have made the extras spread a bit further in a different setting. But to be fair, our intrepid heroes have been disarmed and there are only three of them. If only Tully were here, this would be a fair fight.

Which brings us to this entirely bland and unexceptional geographical feature that definitely isn't the home of any magical artefact or dungeon crawl-esque situation.

Adventure? I hardly knew her!

Filled with utterly boring cave stuff like...

Glowing red cruciform windows and statues that had better fucking come to life or I want my money back. And a mysterious spear in a stone. Spear in a stone, not sword. Totally different thing. No copyright infringement here.

Where is the red light coming from? Seriously tho.

The only thing better than those halberd wielding statues coming to life will be if one one speaks the truth and the other only speaks lies.

*chanting* Come to life! Come to life! Come to life! Come to life!

Repeat after me: The Spear of Destiny does not look like a sex toy. The Spear of Destiny does not look like a sex toy. The Spear of Destiny does not look like a sex toy.

Catlin, like the good Christian girl we now know her to be, wants to leave this horny holy place and potentially (hopefully) undead guardians behind. But Conor is hypnotised by the beauty of the holy vibrator Spear of Destiny.

Thus begins the weirdest scene I have ever seen. Catlin shouts "don't touch it" from far away, doing absolutely nothing to stop him from touching it. Fergus decides it's a good time to sing a little song and Conor commences a staring contest with an inanimate object. This shouldn't work as a scene. Weirdly it does. Maybe the holy vibrator has hypnotised me too.

...

This post is getting flagged. omg.

Meanwhile,

Fellas, is it gay to... have a religious experience after grabbing another guy's spear?

I'm really confused why Fergus is all like 'Longinus is the most evil thing to ever evil'. In the show he's only ever really been peripheral to the evil. He was shagging the Evil Queen (who we stan) and yeah he was involved in the arson and the gun building, but that was more to try to kill himself rather than anyone else. He seems completely uninterested in murdering Irish people as long as they stay out of his way as he tries to off himself in increasingly elaborate and over the top ways. And in the story of the crucifixion he's really not a bad guy. How is he suddenly the bogeyman? What has he done specifically? Not to be a Longinus apologist, but genuinely he's just sort of there.

Longinus proceeds to primal yell at the sky, which mood. Or maybe it's the worlds longest long-distance orgasm. Either way still not evil.

And he and the Evil Queen are still together. All is forgotten, I guess.

"How it had been used in ancient times to kill a god."

Look... look... that is... accurate. But you're really rather missing the point that crucifixion is a long, painful, drawn out death. Where you essentially suffocate. It was used as a form of execution because it was barbaric. The Romans could have just stabbed people, but no, they strung them up and let them die over the course of hours or days. It's described as agonising. Jesus was already dying. He was dying and stabbing him was against the rules and actually, definitely merciful. I don't understand what the fuck is happening here. The spear is like 'hey, we should totally have just left him to exhaust himself and die by hanging from nails in his wrists until he could no longer support his own weight and asphyxiated.'

I guess the Spear of Destiny is anti-euthanasia. That's a point of view, a valid one that I can respect because there are plenty of arguments on both sides, but this all seems kind of extreme. Hey, maybe Longinus and his judgy spear should have cut Jesus down and... died alongside him after the rest of the Romans strung them both up? Sometimes all the viable choices are shitty.

Yeah, sure. I'm a Longinus apologist. He'll probably do something this episode to make me regret that decision, but fuck this spear. It can take its judgemental asshole self back to that cave and be all emo about shit, I guess.

Also the guardians didn't wake up and attack anyone, which makes me sad, and also makes me feel like the spear just isn't fucking trying.

"Catlin, please. If you know anything that can help us..."

You mean like earlier when she was yelling at you not to touch the cursed orgasm spear? Like then? When you totally listened to her?

But yeah, Catlin, if you know anything that can help us now after we have released Judgy McJudgerson Cursed Sex Toy Spear of Doom from its eternal imprisonment with the most useless undead guardians of all time. Please. Now is the moment.

Instead she chooses to paraphrase the beatitudes. Which, sure... okay. Not sure that helps our current situation.

"Rome could not abide that. And they killed him. With that."

Also the crucifixion. Big part of the story the crucifixion part. Like... major plot point. Sort of infamous. Kind of became a symbol of the whole religion. Like ask fifty people how Jesus died and they'll say 'he was crucified' not 'someone stabbed him with a spear'. You're not wrong exactly, but also... crucifixion. Important element of the story. The spear is a side character at best. Bit part. Incidental. Remove the spear from the story and nothing really changes. At all. In fact, I don't think the spear is even in some (most?) versions. I just checked (I should know this, I went to Catholic school. I've been to church practically every Easter since I was born.) The spear only appears in 1 gospel. 1. And then it isn't even used to kill him, it's used to check he's dead. Longinus is a saint.

(Gwaine, my beloved, also super relevant to this discussion because the spear is supposedly the bleeding lance from Arthurian legend. So I don't even need to justify using you. Unrelated note: I should rewatch Merlin.)

So then they burn the priceless holy relic. Or they try to.

Everyone knows magic items can only be destroyed by a Wish Spell or a very specific series of actions. That's basic D&D lore.

And she uses the spear to resurrect her dead horse. That's right it's ZOMBIE HORSE TIME. Love that for her. You go you spooky little horse girl you. I support you wholeheartedly.

Ooh... mind control spear. Generally mind control is bad. I feel like power is corrupting. Can't we just go stab Longinus like he wants?

Apparently not.

Wow, we just ate through a whole lot of time. Where is Longinus in all this? He's been looking for this spear for centuries and now he's just not paying attention? Is he still screaming at the sky?

Let's all take a moment to appreciate Heath Ledger in his incredibly uncomfortable looking Evil Armour

He got chainmail that actually looks like it might do something. Although I'm not sure what the spiles are for. Or why there are such big gaps underhis arms. But you can tell he's evil because it's black and symmetrical. He too has gone shopping at BDSM Gear R Us.

You know what goes well with spikes?

More spikes.

But phenomenal subtle acting here. He goes from being his usual sweet Conor self to this slightly crazed evil look seamlessly.

Elsewhere Longinus stabs a Roman legionary for sassing him. Those poor guys never get a break.

Maybe he's a little bit evil. But who in this show hasn't killed a Roman legionary?

So after his spear is stolen, Conor goes to a mosh pit ands ends up crying in the bath with his girlfriend, but again, who hasn't been there?

Fergus almost pulls a Frodo and refuses to cast the holy sex toy into the fires of Mount Doom, but manages to pull himself away from that ledge But, tonight the part of Gollum will be played by Sebastian Roche and his incredible coiffure.

I really don't understand how "I'll die by that spear today no matter what you do." is a threat. Like... Fergus, just stand aside and let him. All he wants to do is stab himself. How is that a problem for you? Why will no one stab Sebastian Roche? Fergus, you're not even Christian. You don't care about mortal sins. Let him stab himself. You can always put the spear back afterwards. This is the opposite of a problem.

I don't understand the conflict in this scene. I guess Fergus doesn't believe Longinus? Because he's like 'shouldn't give guy I think is super evil the super evil spear'. But both of them want Longinus dead. We're on the same side here!

Tits out for destiny.

Aw... Longinus had a family. Cute.

...and his wife was into foot stuff... okay... not sure what that was in here for, but sure...

Longinus, maybe you should hire a plasterer.

Sebastian Roche also doing a great job here with all the emotion going on.

Conor appears and... refuses to kill Sebastian Roche.

What's a guy got to do to get murdered around here?

This is how you get immortal super villains, guys. Do you want immortal super villains?

You know how you know you've got a problem? When you're too evil for your super evil girlfriend.

And then Conor tosses the only weapon that can kill the guy who has now pledged to destroy everything good in the world into a storm and the sun comes out like that was a good idea.

I do wonder, as this was framed as Fergus telling a story, if he just forgot to mention Tully half of the time.

Honourable mention:

Not sure that's how names worked in ancient rome.

So, that was the villain origin story. Halfway through the series. It's rare that you'll find a villain whose origin is 'the hero refused to kill me when he had the chance and every reason to do so'. Also weird that apparently in this world it's only okay to kill people when they don't want you too.

And now we have an immortal super villain and no magic weapon to kill him with.

Good job breaking it hero!

This is actually a great turning point for the series. Makes the villain more interesting. Adds peril. Good midseries climax.

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here have this grond meme that my partner made

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First, see what random superpower you get.

Second, see the other half of your powerset.

Lastly, see what character archetype you'll be.

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No, but seriously though. Tell me this doesn't make you laugh.

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Also, you're going to change Kay to Cai for Caius, but you're going to leave Kevin?

That's a choice, I guess.

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"it seemed even to Morgaine, who knew her own hands had fashioned it, [...] pregnant with magic."

I see what you did there.

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

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"it had, no doubt, interrupted her courses too, for they usually came on at moon-dark."

No. You're pregnant. With your brother's child. Congrats. But also... how does this not occur to you? How is this not a constant gnawing anxiety at the back of your mind after partaking in ritual magic fertility rite sex with your brother? How?

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

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"Done is done. I could not spare her. But with all my heart I wish there had been some other way..." is a wild sentence coming only a few paragraphs after "The royal bloodline of Avalon must not be contaminated by commoner blood."

There was definitely another way. There were a lot of other ways. There are so many other ways. Hell, she wanted to fuck her cousin. At least that would have been consensual and slightly less incestuous than... whatever this mess is and kept your dumb bloodline nonsense. AND why is it that now the bloodline must be pure but when you were selling your sister to random Christians you didn't gaf. Nor when you were sleeping with random kings. The bloodline didn't have to be super pure then, did it? No. If you'd kept the bloodline uncontaminated then you wouldn't even have a niece or nephew to trick into sleeping together in the first place. Your logic is not. Failsauce. insane attempts at justification for nonconsensual drugged incest reunion that will eventually lead to the downfall of everything.

Wild. Absolutely wild.

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

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Was anticipating a little more apology for 'yeah I had you drugged so you would fuck your brother'. Well, I wasn't expecting 'no one else is worthy of you' as the justification. Maybe 'this was foreseen' or 'the gods demanded it', but 'only he was worthy of your virginity' is a really special take. I knew this book was fucked up. But, my dudes, that is one hell of a thing to tell your niece.

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

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Oh, Kevin the Bard is a dick. Fine then.

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

[mariana-oconnor]

Reading the Mists of Avalon and it's all mysticism and ritual incest and ancient magics and then: Kevin.

The bard.

Kevin the Bard.

Viviane, Taliesin, Morgaine and Kevin.

Threw me right the fuck out.

(Apparently it's an anglicisation of Caoimhin and now this just feels like cowardice. Use the Irish name already.)

[mariana-oconnor]

ok typically what i do is i wear Not Home clothes when i'm out of the house and Home clothes when i'm in the house which also double as Asleep clothes but apparently nobody else on earth does this and that's super weird. please help me gather data points/settle an argument

not to panhandle for reblogs but this poll won't work unless someone reblogs it 🥺🥺🥺

[mariana-oconnor]

there's nothing i like more as a computer program than a long period of silent contemplation - not doing anything, not rushing anywhere, just standing here and enjoying this moment with the user. oh, it seems once again he has summoned my beautiful and ruthless wife Task Manager. hello, my darling! what are you doing with that long cruel scimitar

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sorry if i'm gonna be quiet for a while. my country recently introduced laws that make it so that in order to use social media to the fullest (not being able to view ns/fw content and in a few cases, not even having access to dms), i HAVE to give the sites my id/face scan.

it goes into effect july 25th. it'll probably effect here too, since this place allows mature content (tho not full on ns/fw)

i'm very distressed about it bc i might end up not even being able to talk to my internet friends. i don't really have any irl ones

if i have to disappear on most socials by then, you know why.

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OK, so one of my favourite AO3 bookmarks I have ever received is still "Unexpectedly good"

Yeah, I was surprised too, my dude. 🤣

[mariana-oconnor]

Sometimes I go 'I wonder how that's made and if you could make it at home' about one thing or another. And today I was thinking about Maltesers, because Maltesers are one of life's greatest pleasures and while I have no doubt that simply buying a box at the supermarket is both the cheapest and best way of obtaining them, someone, somewhere on the planet, must have made them at home.

So I looked.

And in one of the best ad positions I have ever seen in my life. I found this:

I give ads a lot of crap. I do. And with good reason. But this one time I think I'll give it a pass. I laughed out loud.