mars--bars - Tumblr blog

[mars--bars]

ꕀ gentle reminder ꕀ

[mars--bars]

i hope you heal from the things no one

ever apologized for ♡

ֹ ִ ☁️🫧🌸 ֹ ִ ☁️🫧🌸 ֹ ִ ☁️🫧🌸 ֹ ִ

[mars--bars]

"I was far too scared to hit him/ But I would hit him in a heartbeat now"

-Sam Fender, Seventeen Going Under

[mars--bars]

DO NOT OPEN

A LETTER

6/24/2020

Daniel.

Fuck you. People always say, "Life isn't fair," but I really didn't have any experience with what that really meant until I met you. You- you had my heart in your hands. And either you didn't care or you didn't know. Either way, you fucked my heart up. I don't even know who to blame, but god I hope it's your fault. I have too much anger to be mad at myself right now, anyway.

I hate you. I hate you so much. You still have this control over me, which I hate. You get into my mind and you won't leave. You're still in my heart, but there's no love to protect your bullshit this time. You ruin everything that is good for me. Because you're constantly in mu mind, you are taking away my trust and room for better relationships.

You ruined me. I trusted you, I gave you my heart and you played your sick little game with it. What little room I had to open up and trust new people, you took that space away and you replaced it with fear and hate.

I want to move on, I want to leave you in the past. But every time I try to imagine my life without you, you find your way into my thoughts. I used to be scared of finding myself wanting to please you again. But now? Now I hate you so much. I hope you never find peace. Because I'm scared I'll never find it.

I just want to know why. Why did you use me? Why couldn't you just heal on your own? You could see how much I loved you, and you just dragged me around like a string. Why couldn't you just let me go?

You don't have any emotions. Is that why you wanted to play with mine?

You fucked me up. I don't ever want to forgive you! I'm like Appa now: I'm hurting and I'm scared and I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm just expecting everyone to stop pretending to care at any moment and leave when it suits them.

I was so stupid for protecting you for so long. I wish I could've seen what you were doing earlier. My heart chose you and you let it. KNOWING FULL WELL THAT YOU DIDN'T CARE.

Every time I go back there, I'm scared I'll see you. I'm scared you'll be happy and I'll still be left in the dust. I'm scared I won't be able to shove it in your face that I'm finally happy.

Because you took that away from me!

And I let you.

So now I'm back to square one, but I feel more alone than ever. I just want to be happy and love people again. But I can't, because of you.

I wish I never met you. I wish I-

I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want to be happy. I want to be able to accept love. But I'm so scared. Because I met you, I'm so scared. I just want you gone. I want you out of my mind and my heart. Please, leave.

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

BASTARD ASSHOLE

SHITHEAD MONSTER

MONSTER

You're worse than my brain, because at least my brain cares about me.

And you're not even cute.

I hope you rot in hell. I hope you always feel remorseful for this.

I hate you. Stay away from me.

Yours truly,

M.T.

[mars--bars]

[mars--bars]

Abuse is abuse

[mars--bars]

[mars--bars]

People will change their priorities. Yes, it is possible that you will no longer remain in their priority list. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve love. Don't doubt yourself ❤✨

You deserve everything worthy! ❤✨

[mars--bars]

Understanding PTSD

PTSD at the beginning:

started having panic attacks

started having flashbacks

constant anxiety

felt like everything in my life tied back to this relationship

trust issues

repulsed by sex/sexual activities

physical triggers

didn't trust myself/telling my own story

couldn't talk about the details of my story

couldn't say his name for a long time

became isolated

recurring nightmares

PTSD after starting treatment:

constant flashbacks

flashbacks felt more real

temporarily seeing imaginary things

constant nightmares

really didn't believe my own story

physical triggers were really limiting

[mars--bars]

Sometimes I fall asleep thinking about you, Catherine Hancock

[mars--bars]

source: Ljmming0001, tiktok

Grief and Trauma are very different creatures, but can sometimes walk hand in hand. This image really resonates with my journey of healing.

The events still happened, the reality is still there. But 4 years later, and I have grown so much that now, it just takes up a small space in me.

And I am so proud of that work.

[mars--bars]

Therapy!!!

Therapy helped me A LOT. I've had two therapists in the past four years. My second therapist was certified in EMDR, which is a special type of psychotherpy that has been proven to help desensitize and lessen the trauma affects stored in the body. This was a lifesaver for me. I love my therapist, she's a real one.

source:

[mars--bars]

PTSD symptoms

The PTSD started light, it got heavier along the way. But at the beginning, when I was still blocking it out and ignoring it, it felt like there was a fly constantly buzzing in my brain. It wasn't until I started to actually look at the wounds and take care of them that the symptoms of PTSD really started to pop up.

[mars--bars]

Ways I was able to figure out what really happened to me

It was constantly on my mind- I mean constantly

It hurt emotionally, even though I hadn't figured it out yet, I knew it hurt

Defending him even after he was gone, almost by instict

trauma reflexes (your body stores memories and trauma. if it's been hurt before, it will do what it needs to in order to protect you from that pain again)

kissing/touching started to feel uncomfortable with anyone

legitimate fear of seeing this man again

starting to question reality of the situation

comparing everything to what it was like with him

realizing I wasn't telling anyone the whole truth

still wanting a piece of him in my life (either to ignore the pain or for closure, I'm still not sure)

overthinking our entire relationship to the point of getting physically sick

my next partner didn't say the same rude things to me

my next partner asked me if I was okay while we kissed and touched

my next partner talked to me

(There are plenty more signs of being out of a physically abusive relationship, these are just the ones that affected me the most.)

[mars--bars]

Figuring it Out

It took me a while to finally realize what happened to me. Because it is so normalized, so overlooked. I was sitting in bed talking on the phone to my friend when I made the connection. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

My people-pleasing ass immediately started to blame myself. Until my next therapy session I just had to sit with these horrid ideas and all this confusion.

[mars--bars]

"Everything happens for a reason."

(TW: r@pe)

No.

Some things, you don't deserve. Bad situations don't define who you are. Who you make yourself out to be does. I didn't deserve what happened to me. But I do deserve the safety and comfort I found on my own time. I do deserve to love myself. That took work and time. I needed to learn how to love myself. The catalyst was not required. That does not determine who I am.

I was r@ped in 2019. That's is not a story I like to talk about often. Over the next four years, I spent time learning and healing. I have made a lot of progress. That is what I am proud of, that is what makes me who I am.

#IAmStrong