mblesfhxxii

[mblesfhxxii]

I feel this pressure inside.

It makes it hard to sleep,

It makes it hard to breathe.

My anxiety is peaking.

t.m.

[mblesfhxxii]

Always my fave part of every adventure with him. 😂♥️ Hi fave person in the world. I love you in all silliness and seriousness. 😘

[mblesfhxxii]

Dear Boyfriend, I honestly just randomly thought about you. Probably because we have no wifi and you’re not texting me. 😂 I am so pissed at you sometimes but when I start to browse through our photos, I suddenly felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Why? Because I have you! 😍 You’ll say I’m head over heels for you again and I don’t care cause that’s true. I’m not ashamed of being soooo in love with a human being such as you. 😘 Promise I won’t get tired of loving and appreciating you. I’ll always do my best to make you feel how much I love you everyday. For you are so pabebe, I’ll always find the cheesiest ways to make you kilig all the time. My lambing will melt your heart, I assure you that. 😊 I will always be here to support you and cheer you on. I will never get tired of waiting for you — your text, your chat, your time, your attention. You can go play ROS all the time for I know that I will never be replaced in your heart. 🤩 I am always confident of your love for me. Time has passed us by and you have proven yourself and your intentions to me and my family. I may have sudden mood swings but you learned how to ride and swing with it and how to stop them. You may not be the most ma-effort in making suyo but what I appreciate most about you is how you handle me and my attitude and mood swings. You may be younger than me by an inch but you’re still winning the best boyfriend award for me. ☺️ I may have spoiled you alot because of how you make me proud all the time. I feel like you deserve all the things you wanted and if I can give you that, I would definitely do so. You can take it as a bribe for staying with me...or a reward for putting up with me for so long; but I call it GIFTS. I know one day soon, you’ll be the one to spoil me with material things but right now is my favorite for you always spoil me with overflowing love and affection and care. Those are the priceless things that I would never ever get tired of receiving in our lifetime. 😌 I just want you to always remember that I am just here, ready to run to wherever you are when you need me. I love you so much and know that it will never fade. 🤗 I love you every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year... ...a lifetime. ❤️ Love me still, okay, baby? Stay for a long time. Never leave. Never be astray. 💝 I may be the hardest woman to love but you still stayed. And for that I am eternally grateful. 💖 Thank you for the love. Thank you for all of the hugs and kisses. Thank you for the warmth and care. Thank you for your presence in my life. I love you so much baby 💙 Love, Your Queen 👑💕

[mblesfhxxii]

Sabihan Mo Naman Ako

Hindi mo man lang sinabi na ganito ka din pala mawawala. Sana man lang inorient mo ako para hindi na ako naghihintay sa wala. Wag mo kong alalahanin. Kaya ko ang sarili ko. Sabi ko nga sayo, sanay na ako jan. Pero hingin mo nang maayos sakin, ibibigay ko naman sayo eh. Mabilis nga ako kausap diba? Sabihin mo lang na ayaw mo na...hahayaan naman kita eh. Aba oo syempre masakit...sobra. Pero yun ang gusto mo eh. Sana man lang nagsabi ka. Maiintindihan ko naman eh. Ako pa ba ang hindi makakaintindi? Natatakot ka ba? Wag. Hindi kita hahabulin. Hindi ako magagalit. Hindi kita pipigilan. Hindi madali sakin. Pero kakayanin ko. At least nagsabi ka diba? At least di na tayo parehas mag iisip. Respeto mo na lang sana sakin na sabihin mo sakin kung ayaw mo na. Hindi yung para kang duwag na bigla na lang nang-iiwan sa ere. Mas masakit yun eh. Wag kang maawa sakin. Ayokong magstay ka dahil sa awa. Pinakamasakit yun. Please lang. Sabihan mo naman ako. Tapusin mo nang maayos.

[mblesfhxxii]

Puso...Ano Na?

Dear Heart (na puro na band-aid at peklat),

So kumusta ka na? Buhay ka pa ba? Para ka nang nadaanan ng sampung lindol at benteng bagyo ah. Pero parang mukhang mas madami ka pang buhay sa pusa. Hanggang ngayon, hanga parin ako sa tapang mo. Hanggang ngayon, buo ka parin magmahal. Hanggang ngayon, nakakaya mo paring magtiwala. Hanggang ngayon...tanga ka parin. Ay sorry! Sorry, bago ata yang bendahe mo? Asensado tayo ha. Hindi na band-aid, benda na. Congrats ha! Naglelevel-up ka na. Ano kamo? Sariwa pa yan? O saan ka ba nadapa? San ka na naman ba nahulog at nagkadurog-durog na naman yang ibang parte mo? Ang tibay mo bes. Laban ka parin nang laban eh.

So ilang hit-and-run pa ang dapat mong madaanan para magising ka na talaga? Eh lahat na lang kasi ng magbibigay ng free band-aid sayo, akala mo sila na yung magbibigay ng unlimited supply sayo. Di ganun yun bes. Ilang beses ka na bang nakarinig nang paulit-ulit na pangako? Hindi ka pa ba naririndi? Eh yung pagpaparamdam sayo na mahalaga ka at mahal ka, ilan na? Pare-parehas lang naman eh. Oo, binubuo ka nila. Pero bago ka pa nila tuluyang mabuo, binibitiwan ka na...ayan, pira-piraso ka na naman. So band-aid at benda na lang ba tayo forever? Napakabilis mo naman kasi ipagkatiwala ang sarili mo. Ano kamo? Kasalanan ko? Hoy ah, lagi kitang pinipigilan. Pero go ka lang nang go. Ako nga yung friend mo na iniiwan mo pag sobrang saya mo eh. O ayan, magkausap na naman tayo kasi walang magtatali niyang benda mo.

Hayaan mo bes. Lagi naman ako andito for you. Ako lang naman ang hindi nang-iiwan sayo diba? O sige na, hug na kita. Next time, hindi na kita iiwan. Wag mo din ako pangunahan. Sabay tayo. Aalalayan kita. Pero sa ngayon...magpahinga ka na. Alam ko pagod ka na. Matagal ka nang pagod. Okay lang yan. Baka nga oras na para maghilom ka nang kusa. Aalagaan kita hanggang makaya mo na at sasamahan na kita...forever bes.

Love, Brain

[mblesfhxxii]

Was It Really So Hard...

...to message me first? Does it hurt your ego to even send a simple message even once? Why? Was it love? Or just a racing feeling because it seemed exciting? Tell me now before I start to let myself get hurt again. ...to talk to me? Will your mouth get shut after you say even a single word to me? Why? Or you just don't think that I'm worth the time? Tell me now before I begin to give you the trust that I've kept for so long just to give to the right man. ...to man up to the things that you say? Will it hurt your feelings if you live up to the things you promised to do? Why? Or you just say it out of playing with me? Tell me now before I give up everything. ...to just tell me that you don't love me anymore? Will it poison you to just tell me that you fell out and that you suddenly thought that this is not worth it? Why? Or you're doing this to me out of pity and you're scared to hurt me? Tell me now before everything starts to get real and deep. Hurt me now with the truth rather than dragging everything everyday, making me believe that your love is still there. It's not your fault if you fell out of love, and it's not your abligation to stay just because you said you would from the start. You're hurting me more that way. Pity? You better leave now if you really pity me. That would hurt less. Don't make me wait and then make me feel like a crap in the end. Maybe I'm too headstrong to think this way. But I won't of you did not give me reasons to feel this way. Maybe we shouldn't have started this. Let me go if you don't feel the same anymore. Don't worry about me. I've been through this. I'll get through it this time around as well.

[mblesfhxxii]

He's just not ready...yet

I think the most vital part of falling in love is 'readiness'. I also think that for a person who went through numerous heart breaks and is still positively believing in the power of love, readiness is not a question. The only problem is if the other person is ready...or not.

I've been through so much that you could say, "Pang-MMK na yan!". No, really, in all seriousness. Different situations. Different stories. Different heart breaks. But I stand up after each one, with a heart ready to fight again. Can you call me not normal if I say that after a minor heart break, I am ready to give the love I can give again. Stupid, right? Well I don't really care. I follow my heart and I speak what my mind says.

I don't really know what's wrong with me, or what I do wrong, but I always end up alone and hurt. Just a few months ago, I was in a very heart-racing 'no-label' relationship with a colleague. We were youngsters who only cared about being with each other. In the end, he got back with his EX and I was left alone, without at least a decent explanation. It started to fade and things got bleak and then poof! (Cues "We Don't Talk Anymore" by Charlie Puth ft. Selena Gomez) we just stopped talking. I actually saw that break coming. He wasn't wholly mine to begin with, so...but hey, someone came unexpectedly. And here's where this entry is actually all about...

For a year, I was giving spiritual formation to other youth around my age. I had prior formation so I was assigned to do it. These kids are actually a part of a scholarship program where I became a part also. The goal was to nourish their spiritual selves and live better lives. I was then assigned to lead the College group. And there I met this cutie. He was my crush-at-first-sight. Mind you, this happened way before I had a thing with that colleague of mine. So going back, he's this definition of a walking man doll. His physique, those strong jaws, pretty eyes and lashes (that I still gush over), how he dresses, and that mysterious aura - he's an OPPA. So I had my eyes on him but not just because he looks so dang good, but because I saw a potential in him. He's quiet and reserved but I know he has something valuable to share to everyone, he just needs more time and formation. So I decided to bring him as one of the representatives of our community to an event in Manila. We were 5 and he managed pretty well, actually. After that, I saw a changed man. He was more open and he became willing to share his side, stories, reflections, and everything to the group. I saw him as an achievement. I never thought I'd be able to bring out that side of him.

And because he had formation in Manila, he became one of the officers to handle an event for our community. He's dependable and very responsible. I saw a more jolly and brighter side to him. He's just dazzling whenever I see him. He's...sincere...and very...I don't even know how to describe him. His growth was nothing like the others. Don't get me wrong! I'm not biased. I just never realized that I had my eyes on him ever since. I've always been watching him and becomes happy looking at him.

So fast forward, we have this group chat for all of the officers and that's where I started to feel comfortable teasing him. Not really teasing, but I say stupid honest things! Like, he was cute while doing their group cheer, or how he looks manly and handsome. OMG! Yes! Was I drunk? No, I just felt like he deserved to know. The others in the group started to, yes, tease us. They gave us a love team name. I thought he won't ride with the jokes but he did. There he said that he was smiling and was not offended. We had our love team page, created by one of our co-officers, we created a call sign (which he researched himself because I wanted it haha), we chose a theme song (you can guess it, come on! Yes! "Ikaw" by Yeng Constantino!) - we did everything. He would make 'banat' and pick up lines. I am honestly super kilig! I don't know. I know I got over 'Mr. Colleague' already. And this man, he's making me feel so different.

We had our follow-up overnight at my sister's crib. Of course, he's there. And so we had an honest talk and there he said that he loves everyone BUT he loves me more. So the damsel in distress that is yours truly, felt her heart beating fast. So kilig!

Or that's what I thought...

People...he's not ready. He's scared. He doesn't know if he can handle a relationship. He's scared that he might hurt me.

Me? Call me straightforward. Call me too strong. Call me desperate. I don't care. Why?

I've been looking at him for a year and I only realize now that I see him as someone worthwhile. I was looking at him thinking that the girl he will love will be so lucky to have a man so sincere and reliable. I was looking at him not realizing that this same man will express his feelings for me.

Again, don't get me wrong, I am not in a hurry. Maybe I just feel bad that he's having second thoughts about everything. Maybe I am overthinking again? I just...don't know how to tell him to never be afraid. To let it all go...

You know why I am starting to get scared? Communication is not constant. I don't know how I will reach out for him or if I should be the one reaching out. I feel like, his feelings will die down sooner, and I'm scared that it will happen once I finally decide to go and reach out to hold him. I am now full of what if's and slowing down's.

So dear you, I know we're not rushing things. I am not pressuring you or anything. I just want you to know that I fell...even before you did. These may be the things that I can't tell you, so I am writing it down here hoping that one day, you'll have the time to read it. I'm ready, baby boo. I'm here already. The truth is, I'm just waiting for you. Don't worry, I'm waiting here to welcome you with my arms wide open. Take your time, I won't go anywhere. I don't care what people would say. Know that unless you give up along the way, my heart is yours...it has always been yours...and will stay yours. - MBFH

[mblesfhxxii]

Write that.

[mblesfhxxii]