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As I drive back from the beach I can't help but think of all of the silly things I complained or felt fearful of. Like how my biggest fear when I was younger was the beach umbrella flapping in the wind, possible to fly away. I would scream and cry, sobbing loudly as I wished the terrible sound to go away. Or getting the wrong lunchable before going to the beach. The cheese tasting weird. I can distinctly remember driving back from the beach, the surfboard strapped to the top of my family car, and the songs of the summer, like "Black Widow" by Lady Gaga. or "I Love It" on as I took the first left after the road from the beach, going into my neighborhood. Then, my brother and I would argue over first shower, and I would throw my clothes about the room attempting to find something good to wear for that nights dinner.

Now, I drive myself back from the beach, we've moved out of that neighborhood, someone else inhabits my childhood room and my biggest fear is the unpredictability of my future as I venture to college next year.

As kids, we take so many small things for granted. Heck, I still do. But the things that make my home, home, will still always be attached to my childhood. Placing my feet in the sand, running and diving into the cold water, the long road that leads to the beach, the circle of chairs that has transitioned from adults and kids, beach umbrellas and coolers, to my high school friends, towels and spikeball, will always be there as memories. It will never leave me. And for that I can be grateful.

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regret

oh my gosh regret will know and chew you until you have nothing left inside of yourself.

One of the things that I can not suggest more to younger people, especially in high school. Work hard. Don't slack off.

Something doesn't come easy to you? Work harder. Because by the time you finally light a fire under yourself and seek out and attain the success you dream of and you deserve for yourself, it's too late.

Well, maybe that's a bit cynical. It's not too late. Nothing is ever too late to accomplish. But as I sit here, watching wistfully as many people I know get into dream colleges and universities that I couldn't even fathom getting into, regret sourly glides down through every swallow, the pit in my stomach growing.

They jump for joy as I open my dream schools admissions letter to me and see the words, "Unfortunately we are..."

Quite honestly I have no one else to blame but myself. Shaking my head and throwing it into my pillow over and over again, and as you can see, drafting an emotionally charged Tumblr post to my 0 fans.

It's venting!! yay!! Hooray for getting feelings out of your head! I should be doing other things with my time, thinking about other avenues for my future but alas, I do what got me into this whole mess, and curl up into a ball with my phone in hand.

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socks

Since childhood, whenever I am at my own home and wearing socks, there will inevitably come a time during the evening in which I take only one off, keeping the other on. My parents would find one sock shoved in the nook of our couch or on the floor of my room and place them in a separate pile, awaiting their mates.

It's a simple concept, a characteristic of myself, like breathing. One foot bare to the floor's surface and the other protected. Maybe it's the inner workings of my mind regulating myself and my temperature. Maybe it's my lack of commitment, my aimless ability to fully delve into a romantic relationship or give myself fully to any of my friendships. Maybe it's a symbolization of my unbalance, my unwavering belief that my dreams will come true when we all know what the outcome will be, embelated in the protected, coddled foot as opposed to the other who has to bear the scorns and harsh reality of life.

I imagine if I just decided to take both socks off I would have a better balance of my mind, maybe a better familial balance, possibly a better balance of what I should do in life.

When I look down at the pedals of my anatomical structure I see my own life strung out in their reflection. The separation of my parents, the loss of identity when I could no longer play my childhood sport due to injury, and the portrayal of who I truly am versus who I mask myself to be.

We all put on facades going about our everyday lives, what changes about yourself when you remove one side of that mask?

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denied

don't wish for it, work for it.

A motto spoken daily in my mind and from my lips to the mirror. Also sometimes, okay most of the time, seen in pinterest.

But what you don't know. What you can never know, is if all of that work will eventually work out for you.

So you think about the future wistfully, wishing on every "angel number" on the slow clock ticking during your summer job and every eyelash that comes off from you vigorously washing your makeup off, praying to a higher authority for your dreams to come true.

Sometimes they do! But this time they, it, did not.

So you wallow in self pity for a few... minutes because you have to pack it all back up and paint a smile on. Your on your senior year winter break! An exciting vacation is in front of you but inevitably all you think formulate in your mind is the repetition of your failures and denial. So you go through the week, enjoying yourself and your fabricated happiness, realization and the pit in your stomach waltzing in and out of your life. And suddenly your back at your humble abode, the physical emblem of your heart breaking sitting in a pile of mail and piercing it's gaze into you, searing your hand as it touches it. But you'll be okay. You will. This isn't the end of your story, just a plot twist, a new objective, a new dream. (tangled reference anyone?)

I know my life will work out, and so will yours.

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greta gerwig really said. when this girl gets a little sad and confused by the weird and complicated and uncomfortable parts of being human and growing up, she meets god and sits at her kitchen table, drinks her tea, holds her hands. and she asks god if she’s allowed to be happy. and god tells her she doesn’t need her permission. she tells her she’s going to be okay.

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♡ haha please don't perceive me ♡