medliwinks

[medliwinks]

I think I may never be sad ever again. There is a statue entitled "Farewell to Orpheus" on my college campus. It's been there since 1968, created by a Prof. Frederic Littman that use to work at the university. It sits in the middle of a fountain, and the fountain is often full of litter. I have taken it upon myself to clean the litter out when I see it (the skimmers only come by once a week at max). But because of my style of dress, this means that bystanders see a twenty-something on their hands and knees at the edge of the fountain, sleeves rolled up, trying not to splash dirty water on their slacks while their briefcase and suit coat sit nearby. This is fine, usually. But today was Saturday Market, which means the twenty or so people in the area suddenly became hundreds. So, obviously, somebody stopped to ask what I was doing. "This," I gestured at the statue, "is Eurydice. She was the wife of Orpheus, the greatest storyteller in Greece. And this litter is disrespectful." Then, on a whim, I squinted up at them. "Do you know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice?" "No," they replied, shifting slightly to sit.

"Would you like to?"

"Sure!"

So I told them. I told them the story as I know it- and I've had a bit of practice. Orpheus, child of a wishing star, favorite of the messenger god, who had a hard-working, wonderful wife, Eurydice; his harp that could lull beasts to passivity, coax song from nymphs, and move mountains before him; and the men who, while he dreamed and composed, came to steal Eurydice away. I told of how she ran, and the water splashed up on my clothes. But I didn't care. I told of how the adder in the field bit her heel, and she died. I told of the Underworld- how Orpheus charmed the riverman, pacified Cerberus with a lullaby, and melted the hearts of the wise judges. I laughed as I remarked how lucky he was that it was winter- for Persephone was moved by his song where Hades was not. She convinced Hades to let Orpheus prove he was worthy of taking Eurydice. I tugged my coat back on, and said how Orpheus had to play and sing all the way out of the Underworld, without ever looking back to see if his beloved wife followed. And I told how, when he stopped for breath, he thought he heard her stumble and fall, and turned to help her up- but it was too late. I told the story four times after that, to four different groups, each larger than the last. And I must have cast a glance at the statue, something that said "I'm sorry, I miss you--" because when I finished my second to last retelling, a young boy piped up, perhaps seven or eight, and asked me a question that has made my day, and potentially my life: "Are you Orpheus?" I told the tale of the grieving bard so well, so convincingly, that in the eyes of a child I was telling not a story, but a memory. And while I laughed in the moment, with everyone else, I wept with gratitude and joy when I came home. This is more than I deserve, and I think I may never be sad again.

Here is the aforementioned statue, by the way.

[medliwinks]

nothing has been more important to my being queer than when i went to my first pride parade, got seperated from my group, had a panic attack about it and was sitting on the side of the road holding a tiny genderfluid flag and freaking out. then this six foot five drag queen in four inch heels appeared from literally nowhere and sat down next to me. i, this scared-shitless trans bi kid at pride for the first time, very nervously told her she looked pretty and i told her my name and that i got lost and didn't feel like i should be at pride and she held my hand and said "oh, honey, everybody deserves to be here, especially you. pride is for everybody who's ever gotten lost, who's been scared of who they are or where they are. you think we never been scared before? pride's for you, honey, because you're scared. you don't have to be proud right now, but you're gonna be one day, honey, i'm sure of it."

i found my group soon after that and i never saw that queen again but to this day i am convinced i met an angel.

so yeah. pride is for you. pride is for all of us.

[medliwinks]

As someone who reads for other people, I’ve learned I have to be very clear - I do introspective readings, not fortune telling. I vastly prefer it as a spiritual/mental/emotional tool than a mechanism for divinatory practice.

As a pagan (and a really lowkey witch) I support divinatory practices, though I acknowledge the pitfalls and even dangers with engaging with that. (Including: one might be wrong; one might encourage a choice one isn’t satisfied with; one might encourage delusions). There is a place in culture for divination practices.

That’s just… not the tarot I learned first, and it’s not the one I like. However, it can be a lot less fun to do introspective tarot. I often end up having quite solemn conversations with myself or others. I’m a good reader to come to if someone is trying to think through a decision, or wants to assess their moment in life holistically, etc.

The answers I have to questions like “does x person like me back” or “will x happen” will not be in a format that directly answers the question. I can explore intention setting for potential futures. I can do a relationship spread that reflects on the nuances of an existing or potential dynamic… but even then I’ll won’t read any cards with amatonormative framing. And it will all be hypothetical. No promises made.

My querents often come back to me and say that they’ve seen my readings come to fruition in some way, probably more so than if I was fortune telling. This is because I encourage them to set certain intentions and take certain actions to pursue whatever the thing they want is. Not because tarot can see the future, but because I am good at using it to help people look ahead.

"I don't believe Tarot is real, but it does work"

Expand on that, king (genuinely curious)

I feel like…

okay, so it’s a lot like conceptual art, or like introspective meditation, at the risk of sounding pretentious

Like. It’s not so much about “the cards are a portal to a higher wisdom that knows more than me” thing- it’s more of a, “given the symbols drawn, could I interpret them posing a question or possibility or suggestion?” Followed by, “is this applicable to my current context? COULD it be?”

Like.

I don’t lay out á tarot hand and say “ah yes, the devil and the tower, I am about to be betrayed”

But I MAY lay out a hand and say, “okay, devil and the tower. Something treacherous and danger. Am I approaching a treacherous or risky situation in my life? What might be a tipping factor? Am I being deliberately reckless? Maybe I should spend some more time working on X project I’ e been thinking of before spending money on it” or “you know what, I HAVE been kind of uncomfortable with X thing, I should say something” or “yeah okay I KNOW Tom from work sucks to work with, I KNOW, yeah maybe I should consider ways of handling that”

Less of a magic oracle, more of a tool for doing literary analysis on real life. Like simplifying everything and laying it out flat so I can gain some distance to untangle my problems without in-your-head crap like projected feelings and social obligation getting in the way and muddying the waters.

So like. I don’t think tarot cards can legit tell the future, but I DO think that self-reflection, mindfulness, and consideration sometimes allow us to predict and calculate our own circumstances.

So, IMO- It’s not real. But it works

If that makes sense

[medliwinks]

Especially thinking about how authenticity and honesty are antifascist tools.

Dictators lie, all the fucking time. They invent AI to bring a whole new level of dishonesty and plagiarism to their propaganda slop. They try to ctrl+alt+del their way out of diverse and nuanced realities and histories. They tell you the library of congress needs to be child friendly. They ask everyone to lie about their productivity, and anybody who isn’t willing to exaggerate or fabricate is out of a job.

Capitalists lie, all the fucking time. They invent AI to bring a whole new level of dishonesty to their representation of workload distribution. They create content scrubbed of meaning so it will be consumable to the broadest possible audience, and they cancel projects before any interesting story is told. They require everyone to closet their personalities at work and in interviews and on resumes and on linkedin, and anybody who doesn’t know how to mask or exaggerate suffers.

In neurodiverse and queer spaces we indulge in honesty and authenticity. We make art and we share it. Poetry and fanfiction and drawings and paintings and fibercrafts. We tell each other our true names. We vent our real emotions. We admit to one another when we are vulnerable, we are frustrated, we are horny, we are (half-guiltily) joyful despite The Circumstances.

Such spaces aren’t perfect, we all know that. We’re traumatized or we haven’t done all the work yet or we really don’t know where authenticity ends and boundaries begin. But through our honesty we can find each other, and with each other we can finally fucking breathe a little.

Anyway. I love you. Honestly.

This is so silly but I'm watching a short video essay on sincerity in cinema and the creator is talking about how he watched Lord of the Rings for the first time at 17. He explains that he'd grown so used to the 'ironic' meta style commentary in the movies of the 2010's that as he was watching the opening narration of LotR, he spent the entire time waiting for the joke to come. For someone to take it all back with a zinger line. He listened to Blanchett describe and explain the backstory, and he waited for the other comedic shoe to drop.

And he kept doing it. Scene after scene.

He spent the film expecting someone to make a joke about how unserious things were or to break the fourth wall or do some other self referential type thing.

Now, maybe I'm just at that point in my cycle or maybe I'm too delicate in general, but I literally teared up hearing that. Straight up cried a bit. It is so fucking sad that sincerity and genuineness is being bred out of people.

People say all the time 'this generation can't take anything seriously!' and really, is it any wonder? Younger people have been trained out of it. You are no longer encouraged to be genuine or show emotion or be honest. You are actively punished for it. In fact, you are almost guaranteed to suffer for it.

That is so fucked up. I'm sorry to go on a bit of a random ramble rant but it's so fucking gut wrenching to see younger people lose that element of themselves. You can't express your passion without being told you're 'crashing out' or 'cringe'. You have to live in this neutral state of fear of perception, and god forbid anybody step outside of it!

You're told you should only consume and succumb and be ironic and emotionless and cool.

Listen, if you're following me and you're like.... 25 or under, let's say. Please. I beg of you. Do not fall for this rhetoric. Please, for the love of all things, feel. Feel and create and be honest with yourself. Indulge in things that make you happy. Be sincere. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Do not let this hyper-capitalistic, hyper-consumerist, self-centred, individualist culture take that from you.

Bleed yourself into the work you create. Live. Don't fucking let anyone tell you different.

[medliwinks]

All of these apply to academic and nonfiction writing too!!

I especially appreciate the first diagnosis, I think I was in that phase a few months back but I could only conceive of it as, like… maybe I’d just generally gained enough knowledge/skill to comprehend how much further I had to go.

Which did also apply

But there being a perception axis and a technical axis adds nuance that I wasn’t getting

please please please please reblog if you’re a writer and have at some point felt like your writing is getting worse. I need to know if I’m the only one who’s struggling with these thoughts

[medliwinks]

Yesssss!!!!! All of this, plus…

I mean, I know some people interpret swords as a generic conflict suit. That’s one way of looking at it, and you can get good takeaways with that, but…

I really, really favor looking at swords as about learning, a philosophical journey. Learning curves are exhausting, and—theoretically—if you do them right, you’re not just burnt out, you’re deeply changed by the experience.

Maybe the person you were is dead, in 10 of swords.

That is scary, and it’s certainly hard and traumatic to attain, but… it’s part of life. It can be a very good thing. Personally? I strive to reach 10 of swords just like I strive to reach the other 10s.

(Also, I work with Eos, an air goddess who really emphasizes growth, change, and learning journeys, so resisting swords challenges would be resisting her… but that’s a whole other conversation. I’m just really excited prev has pointed out the dawn imagery 😁)

a lot of people are really frightened of the 10 of swords in the rws tarot, and like i get it. it looks like this:

this dude is lying dead on the ground with 10 swords stabbed into his back. not a good look. so people look at this and see betrayal and failure. like something terrible and destructive is coming. which i get.

but

do you see the yellow sky, a signal of the rising sun? even though this guy is having a pretty damn bad time, the sun is gonna come up again and he'll have another day to live. the 10 in tarot numerology symbolizes the end of a path or cycle, and also the begining of a new one. the conflict and strife of the swords suit has culminated and is over now, and whatever painful path you were on is finished and you can get up and watch the sun rise on a new and beautiful day. you're free now! there's nowhere left to go but up.

[medliwinks]

The tribes of Tumblr appeared to worship Apollo as their primary patron deity, most often under the epithet Apollo Spairahemon ("Apollo the Ball-Thrower") as a god of prophecy and sport. His name was typically invoked to celebrate a user blessed with uncommon prescience. Moments of prophecy were considered highly sacred and were often recorded, and such texts are sometimes accompanied by an artistic depiction of the god — either his traditional masculine image or, unusually, in the form of a young woman, which appears to have been an earlier style before a conservative shift toward more conventional iconography — preparing to cast a round rubber ball that our scholars believe was used in the sport known as "dodge ball". Much as other cults regarded his arrows as bringers of disease and health, this community believed that being struck by this ball would bestow prophetic visions.

Some icons are reproduced below:

An earlier depiction (c. 2020) of Apollo as a girl clad in a simple tunic and playing with other children. Figures are smiling and the image is brightly colored, indicating a celebratory outlook toward knowledge of the future.

A later piece (c. 2022) that resembles the traditional appearance of Apollo. References to childhood and play are omitted, and the god carries a more frightening aspect; perhaps this icon represented grim omens rather than good tidings.

[medliwinks]

Esoteric Analysis of Banh Mi:

Crusty Bread: Aspect of Saturn. Leavened wheat is symbolic of transformation and assumption. The foundation from which the sandwich emanates.

Maggi: Aspect of Jupiter. As tin exhalts copper to form bronze, salt exalts all ingredients.

Pork Belly: Aspect of the Sun. Every sandwich must have it's primary ingredient. The heart and soul around which the ingredients revolve.

Vegetable medly: Aspect of The Moon. As shredded carrot wanes, so must the pickled daikon wax. Acid requires balance in all things.

Liver Patê / Cilantro: Aspect of Mercury. Subtle and mysterious, yet essential to the greater whole.

Mayonnaise: Aspect of Venus. Fat is temperance. The medium which soothes and cuts an irascible flavor profile.

Sliced Jalapeno: Aspect of Mars. There is no harmony without strife.

[medliwinks]

It’s crazy and fucked up that being yourself is actually the solution.

[medliwinks]

Re: kitchen witchcraft. As someone who cooks and makes spells creatively, intuitively, and on the fly… those things can go together for me. But if I made spells with a lot of intentional planning, I would connect that more with a style of cooking that involves that too. Like, for me, that would be baking, which I tend to do (slightly) less chaotically. Maybe I’ll try both, that sounds like a worthwhile experiment!

witchcraft things

that didn't work for me

and why

- kitchen witchcraft

i love cooking and i love working with plants, however incorporating spells into my food didn't work for me. i got way too distracted by the spell part, that i completely forgot to make the food taste good. and as much as i love magic, it took the fun out of cooking for me. because now, cooking wasn't something fun where i could experiment with flavors and textures, it was something i had to put thought into beforehand. and i like to be spontaneous with my cooking.

- protection spells

protection spells seem to be the most important part of the witchcraft community. and i do think it's important to know how protection magic works, but it's also very unnecessary to have protections up 24/7 if you're not famous or have many enemies. i tend to forget about my protection spells, so they just sit on my altar, untouched for months and i forget to make new ones. hasn't hurt me so far tho, so i'll be saving those up for when and if i actually need them.

- casting a circle

not gonna lie, i tried that once and never again. it felt so pretentious to me.. like i was in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. and not in a good way. i stumbled across that practice on witchtok first, that was when i thought i was wrong for practicing my way and not how other people said i should. i don't think casting a circle is a bad thing to do, but it absolutely is a bad thing to do for me.

- bowl spells

bowl spells are one of my favorite kinds of spells because they're interactive. you put things in, you take things out. the energy doesn't feel stagnant and the spell is always working it's magic as long as you interact with it. ....but unfortunately my adhd made it very clear to me that those kinds of spells aren't something that works for me. i forget about them 5 minutes after i made them and they never get interacted with, so they don't do much of what they're supposed to. i would definitely recommend them to people who remember to take out and put in stuff tho, because the concept is great.

- scrying

gods, did i want that to work. divination is my favorite kind of witchcraft and i'm great at it! so when i learned about scrying, it was something i immediately got interested in and tried. i tried fire and water. fire worked a bit better, because the flames are dancing and water is reflective. that meant for me, i was always seeing things in it that were physically there, and couldn't concentrate on the scrying part. honestly i don't really remember why the fire method didn't work out, but i assume i got distracted really fast or lost in my thoughts.

- veiling

veiling can be done for many reasons. mine was, that i wanted to use it as a way to protect myself from all the different types of energy in public places. every person has their own life, with their own problems and their own current state of being. and since i have social anxiety, i thought veiling would be worth a try so that public places perhaps wouldn't get overwhelming as fast. well, that backfired because before i could try it, i realized i was trans and the head covering made me feel very dysphoric when i put it on at home. i never attempted anything similar again after that.

- ancestor work

i lost someone really close to me in early 2020. she wasn't a blood relative, but she was my dad's best friend, our landlord (who lived in the same house as we did by the way) and she saw me grow up since i was a baby. i was so desperate to try and talk to her. i tried to reach her myself, i asked other witches for help, but it never worked. after a while i decided to let her be, because the constant getting my hopes up and then being disappointed didn't help my mental health. i just wanted to know if she was okay now, but i think i just have to trust that she is. as for my other ancestors, i don't know anything about them and i am not really interested in finding out. i wasn't close with any of my great grandparents because we saw each other about once a year until they died. they didn't do anything wrong, but i don't want to force a connection.

- dragon work

damn. i really love dragons. all my life and with all my heart. and i truly believe that they are out there (not physically, like dinosaurs were, but in a similar way the gods are out there). i've done a lot of research on the topic, but my mental health got in the way. i don't have the concentration to reach out to them, nor will i be able to dedicate a specific amount of time to them regularly, which i feel like they won't like. i will try again when and if i get better, but until then it goes on this list of witchcraft things that didn't work for me and why.

[medliwinks]

new tarot card "fuck your entire life" and its a guy being attacked by devils and flaming skulls and wild animals and screaming and fire everywhere

[medliwinks]

A thing that has been helpful for me is realizing that Temperance shares a root with the verb "to temper" as in "to temper steel", and that Temperance is not masochistic denial of pleasure, but instead taking the time to develop the wherewithal to go "well what the fuck am I gonna do with this?" You can temper eggs into a nice omelette, or lemons into lemonade.

You can temper emotions into something useful that, if it can't make you happy, at least doesn't hurt as much. Anger, for instance, can be tempered into compassion. You're angry at the current administration's fuckery? Why? Probably because you, and everyone else, does not deserve this shit. In fact, it'd be great to go stop that shit, and prevent it from happening again, because you have compassion for yourself and others, and therefore do not want this shit to happen tonthem. Boom. Hammer out the impurities of self-righteousness and learned helplessness and turn that anger into a tempered steel tool to go fix things.

This goes for all of them. Anger tempers into compassion, disgust into respect, fear into knowledge, surprise into curiosity, joy into peace, and sadness into love. Temperance is a virtue, but the virtue is in using that big human brain of yours to work with what you have instead of just flinging the shit you're in around like an ape.

It's helpful for me to see Temperance as agency in that I remember that I always do have at least an inch of agency inside my own head that nobody can ever take from me, and the remember that the false Temperance of unthinking denial serves no purpose save as an excuse to get out of the work of improving myself.

[medliwinks]

This is how I read ten of swords:

The swords suit is about learning, and you’ve finished a cycle. Learning is hard, and painful, and a mortifying ordeal. And the process kills something, maybe even a part of you, but that’s a success. You’ve known since early on (like, 4 of swords, in most decks, but it depends) that this journey would change things. But you went on it anyway. You pursued this. There were a lot of moments where you lacked perspective to some extent. There might have been a whole period where you lost perspective entirely. But you persevered, and survived, and despite the brutal moments there is a lot to be proud of. Maybe now that it’s over, you can begin to see that again.

Most tarot cards can be gut wrenching in some way or another. 10 of swords can nearly always be spun as an opportunity to feel relief. It’s not even 10 of wands where, you know, congrats but you have to carry all the baggage home now.

I hate that Swords gets such a bad rep. Maybe it’s because I love an air goddess, or because I’m an academic dork, but…. Man, I love that suit. Even Ace of Swords, I’m like, all right, learning opportunity! (And steel my nerves). But 10? Even in a future placement, it’s a good thing. I’m already going through the challenge; a 10 is an end in sight!

And, man, if you don’t love the swords-based challenges of learning, the highest kind of growth in the most philosophical part of your self…. Hate to break it to you, but that’s what tarot is supposed to bring into your life. It’s a self reflective practice, at its core.

Everyone who plays around with Tarot cards long enough winds up with a “bad” card that they love. I just barely persuaded my husband not to get the Ten of Swords tattooed on his body; traditionally, it shows a corpse with ten swords stuck in their body and means “utter ruin,” but he thought that if it took ten swords to kill you, then you must have put up a pretty good fight.

honestly this is the most badass ten of swords interpretation i've ever heard.  i'm stealing this

[medliwinks]

Theme: everyday courage, apology, denial, blame

Sacred reading with fanfiction—you don’t need to be part of the fandom to understand this post. Everything will be explained.

hopeful prayer format

Let me realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

self-assuring affirmation format

I can realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

willful vow format

I will realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

original excerpt

Necessary Context: In this The Hobbit fanfiction, Nori helps Bilbo pick out a betrothal gift. This was an issue because the dwarves couldn’t tell Bilbo of their customs until he was officially betrothed to a dwarf, but he could not become betrothed without initiating said custom. Nori intervenes because he cares about his friends’ love more than respecting the letter of the traditions. Dwalin approaches Nori afterward—basically, he assumed that Nori would propose if he wanted to marry Dwalin, and so did not propose himself. He summarizes what he has done in the following quote.

“‘But now I think maybe I've allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.’”

—Issaro, Affairs of the Heart

[warnings: this work contains (untagged) implied/hypothetical dubious consent, and (tagged) briefly mentioned Fíli/Kíli. My page is not a fic recc page, but I do recommend reading this fic if the warnings don’t put you off. It’s well written, sweet, and the characterization is extremely compelling.]

prayer in practice

Dwalin is one of my favorite characters from Tolkien extended canon. He exemplifies courage and loyalty, but he makes a lot of assumptions and tends to jump to conclusions. The fanfiction Affairs of the Heart explores how that habit can actually disrupt his courage and loyalty in the context of his romantic relationship with Nori. 

We should all consider the way our expectations influence our self-justified behavior. How much of our worldview and actions do we base off of assumption and pre-judgement? How does that affect our relationships with our courage? Our loyalty?

We have opportunities to be courageous and loyal every day. It is not usually related to a life threatening quest. When the opportunities are relatively mundane, they can be harder to view as challenges. It’s less of an ultimate test and more of an ongoing daily choice to be there for the people you care about, to be the kind of person you want to be. It’s about dependability. 

The textual example of Dwalin’s challenge is a marriage proposal. This is one of the biggest declarations of loyalty which the average person might still make. It takes a good deal of courage to overcome the associated fear, and a good deal of willpower. 

I don’t believe in laziness. Laziness is a hypothetical force of negative will, which makes no sense. It is simply that sometimes, the positive will we do have is not enough to complete a task. I don’t think contributing a lack of will to a personal deficit is in any way helpful. 

It may certainly be said that sometimes we perceive our own lack of will as a personal deficit. I believe that his lack of willpower is what Dwalin is concerned with in-text. He takes the burden of his choices upon himself. 

Dwalin doesn’t apologize for the things that scared him, or the things that undermined his willpower. He not only apologizes for allowing himself to ignore his fear and lack of will; Dwalin also apologizes for justifying that ignorance with an excuse that placed all of the expectation for action on his partner.

This apology is really about the blame that Dwalin placed on Nori. That blame had come from a place of willful misunderstanding. In Dwalin’s unwillingness to act, he had relied on stereotypes he knew better than to believe. Dwalin knows Nori better than anyone; he is one of the few people who could realize Nori’s hidden taste for romance. 

It is hard to do what Dwalin did. It is hard to realize that we have been lying to ourselves, and it is even harder to take the next step and rectify it. But it is always important to try to self reflect, to attempt to apologize and—if it isn’t too late—to do the thing we were avoiding. It is my intention that this prayer helps with that.

click for an explanation of sacred reading prayers

In her book Praying With Jane Eyre: Reflections on Reading as a Sacred Practice, Vanessa Zoltan explains and demonstrates how she treats literature as sacred text. I highly recommend reading this book, as it’s incredibly interesting, helped me grow as a person, and (obviously) explains the concept far better than I will hope to, especially in this one paragraph. In short, though, the idea is that sacred texts aren’t accessible to everyone—some of us have religious trauma, for example—but there are other ways to find spiritual expression. In Praying With Jane Eyre, Zoltan references scenes from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Little Women, and The Great Gatsby where most sermons would reference the preacher’s chosen holy book. I grew up hearing sermons that referenced Christian bible stories, and I’d get caught up in obsessing over the historical inaccuracies, glossed-over atrocities, and various other discomforts with the text. Sometimes, I’d totally miss the whole point of the sermon, beneficial or no.

I should clarify that Zoltan’s process isn’t about forming religions around books not intended to be religious material. She doesn't pray to Jane Eyre, she prays with Jane Eyre. It’s like, instead of mentioning a story about how David faced Goliath, she mentions a story of how Jane Eyre faced her abusive aunt. And sometimes she prays with a quote from the book, the quote being along the lines of ‘I have what it takes to survive this’. Also, Zoltan doesn’t assume that everything in the text is good— for example, she doesn't assume that the ending is a happy one (which would have troubling implications). She simply assumes that there's a lesson within the text.

Zoltan’s process works much better for me than any associated with the organized religion I grew up with, but I’m not as close to the text of Jane Eyre as she is. I also found myself uncomfortable with treating Harry Potter as sacred, so Zoltan’s podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text was, unfortunately, not for me. 

So, I decided to begin collecting quotes from what I do read! I read a lot of fanfiction, and the google doc filled with excerpts got long fast. I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do with the quotes for a while, but I knew I wanted to share them with the world. Ultimately, I wanted to write sermons which pull from fanworks as well as personal anecdotes (and likely various copywrite-protected literature and media, too)—but this took time and practice, and I wanted to start sharing my prayers and excerpts immediately. So, this account has a mixture of prayers, one or two full sermons, quotes with sacred reading in the tags, and discussions on sacred reading and retold stories that I have with my friends.

The prayers Zoltan mentions are typically in the format I call ‘affirmations’. This is, of course, a lovely way to pray, but I found myself translating the language back to something I’m more familiar with. I don’t typically address a deity by name, but I do tend toward the hopeful ‘let this happen’ format.

In my posts, I plan to always include Zoltan’s self assuring ‘I am enough/I will survive’ affirmation format, as well as my hopeful ‘let this happen’ prayer format and willful ‘I will work to make this happen’ vow format. Personally, I cycle through all of them, because I think all three versions of the prayer are important to internalize.

[medliwinks]

A Conversation With My Tarot Deck

Teddy: How do I approach my budding relationships?

Queen of Wands: By being an independent extrovert. By bringing passion to your projects, by being a leader.

Teddy: How can I be friends with the new people in my life? It’s already such a challenge.

Six of Cups: you’re yearning—

Teddy: for the future?

Six of Cups: for the past. You’re nostalgic for something you maybe never truly had in the first place.

Teddy: *has to take a deep breath*

King of Cups: You should be diplomatic and connect with others.

Teddy: Ok. Maybe starting a club will help me have more options to do that. Should I attempt this social and creatively challenging venture?

Seven of Cups: You have copious opportunities and dreams of the future, but you’re struggling to make a choice.

Four of Swords: You’re taking a mandatory rest. Maybe you’re even struggling to make a choice.

Teddy: ...Well, it’s great to hear from the social and challenge suits. But I already knew all that. Should I decide imminently, or keep pondering?

Four of Cups: You have a willful blindness; you’re withdrawing from community and relationships. Maybe this is a time of reflection... But you definitely are not seeing from other points of view.

Teddy: Well... What will happen once I decide?

Ace of Pentacles: It’s an opportunity for sure. You might gain in resources!

Two of Swords: This challenge has a blind crossroads. You can’t know all of the possible outcomes, this makes the choice pretty hard. 

Teddy: girl... ok. AND? [ngl I forget the exact question, but this was the vibe].

Two of Cups: You have a beautiful budding relationship, two things coming together on equal footing. It could be two facets of yourself, a romantic relationship, a friendship...

Teddy: In context, I’m pretty confused about what this indicates... Can you tell me more about that relationship?

The Hermit: You should spend some time alone with your knowledge and your wisdom. You may have to use your wisdom to re-calibrate your belief system and your knowledge.

Teddy: *tries to throw the card away because I was imagining it meant a social relationship*

The Empress: “You find yourself faced with a clear answer, although it might not be the one you hoped for”.

Teddy: *puts The Hermit back in the spread*

The Empress: You have something to nurture. You must give enough of yourself to sustain life, but not too much. Be careful not to smother the personality of the person, project, relationship, or situation that you are caring for.

Teddy: Oh okay. I guess this could mean I need to wait and take care of myself before jumping into the new things.

Teddy: *tries to end the reading*

Five of Pentacles: You are isolated and lacking resources. This could be in some way the result of your own choices.

Teddy: So you’re saying I should reach out, socially?

The Lovers: YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!! THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Teddy: *Elijah Wood maximum baffled laugh*

[medliwinks]

Theme: forgiveness

Here is a prayer developed from a fanfiction excerpt, presented in three formats and as the original excerpt. Then a short essay on how the prayer might be used. For anyone new to my page, I then include an explanation of sacred reading and why I use fanfiction of all things to do it.

hopeful prayer format

Let me both create and earn forgiveness.

Let me rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. Let me remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. Let me understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. Let me understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. Let me achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

self-assuring affirmation format

I can both create and earn forgiveness.

I can rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. I can remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. I can understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. I can understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. I can achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

willful vow format

I will both create and earn forgiveness.

I will rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. I will remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. I will understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. I will understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. I will achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

original excerpt

Necessary Context: In this The Hobbit fanfiction, Thorin suggests they start over in order to achieve mutual forgiveness. Bilbo knows that isn’t exactly possible, but the idea gives them both hope. Bilbo self reflects that he thinks it is possible for them to both create and earn forgiveness, as well as:

“Rebuild and reforge anew, better than before, because forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. Forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. Forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. Not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.”

—storyforsomeone, Something to Start With

prayer in practice

I love reading fics about forgiveness, accountability, and a relationship being built on mutual recovery. I romanticize healthy apologies and I love enemies to lovers. It really is a beautiful thing, when people can overcome harm and find love and understanding instead.

There are, hopefully obviously, levels to this which are acceptable in fiction yet not preferable in a real life relationship. I also think that in real life, many relationships built on mutual healing should stay far from romantic commitment. Furthermore, some conversations about accountability work better without any mention of forgiveness because it’s too associated with allowing bad behavior to continue. In this conversation, it’s impossible to drop the word entirely, and I don’t want to. It’s important to clarify, though, that when I use the term forgiveness here, I strictly mean a healthy forgiveness, one in conjunction with accountability.

That is how “forgiveness” is used in the excerpt. It is assumed by the speaker (Bilbo) that the forgiveness he and Thorin want is a healthy one. They will work together to earn it and build a shared, mutual forgiveness for their series of personal betrayals toward the end of their canon story. Working on mutual forgiveness is hard and deserves loads of discussion, but today I want to focus on the internalized part. 

We don’t need to work directly with the other person in order to both forgive and be forgiven. The whole process of forgiveness depends on the internal process of dedicating ourselves to “rebuilding and reforging” a better future. This internal process is always a step toward healing.

In some cases, the internal process is the only step accessible. Sometimes the other person in a conflict walks away entirely, and there is nobody to process with; nobody to apologize to; nobody to tell us they acknowledge and apologize for the harm they caused. Sometimes we have to do it all on our own. 

I’m going through a version of that right now. It’s hard. I have to heal from a failed relationship with people who I can’t talk to. I can’t ask if they’re sorry for their side of the failed relationship; I have to forgive myself for my side even though there is no way to know whether they have forgiven me. 

I try to begin, maintain, and end relationships with honest communication. It’s rare that this is how anything ends for me, especially such a significant relationship. I still spend long portions of my days wandering through the “broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal”. There is a lot of guilt, shame, confusion, fear, anger, and grief that I have to sort through before I get a rare flash of relief or hope.

I think that’s what really spoke to me about the above excerpt. “It isn't one decision...you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely.” Every time I get stuck in a spiral of grief, be it a familiar one or one I haven’t seen before, I need to find a way out. 

Usually, my way out of the grief spiral is some form of forgiveness for myself or for my ex partners. Sometimes, it’s an entirely new angle of forgiveness—the exit from the spiral is one I haven’t previously found. Some other times, I find myself having the same internal conversations over and over again. 

I guess step one is usually taking a deep breath and letting go of the issue. I wouldn’t say I can set it free, but I can set it aside. I can interrupt that train of thought even if I can’t end the internal argument. The thing I use to interrupt that train of thought? I remember the “new beginning” I am creating. I ground myself in the present.

Then I come back to the bricks I’m laying for the future. I have a short list of concrete things I want to change in how I interact with people and how I let people interact with me. When I’m upset, it's not usually the time to work on that list in any active way. But I remind myself that it exists, that I have a blueprint for accountability and better habits.

You might have noticed that, unlike some of my other, shorter prayers, I don't claim to directly come back to this prayer in times of crisis. That’s mainly because it’s such a long one. I don’t have it memorized. It doesn’t make the easiest mantra, though I’m working a few of the phrases into my emotional vocabulary. I can’t just interrupt myself with it, though maybe somebody else could use it that way. Possibly someone could isolate the bolded first sentence of the prayers, which is a good thesis, if a prayer can have a thesis.

This is a great prayer as a whole, though. It’s been healing to write this and intentionally consider my internalized process of forgiveness. I’m going to come back to this regularly and read it aloud to myself. Internalization, in my opinion, is more important than memorization.

explanation of sacred reading, fanfiction prayers, and what I do...

In her book Praying With Jane Eyre: Reflections on Reading as a Sacred Practice, Vanessa Zoltan explains and demonstrates how she treats literature as sacred text. I highly recommend reading this book, as it’s incredibly interesting, helped me grow as a person, and explains the concept and process more thoroughly than I do here. 

In short, the idea is that sacred texts aren’t accessible to everyone—some of us have religious trauma, for example—but there are other ways to find spiritual expression. In Praying With Jane Eyre, Zoltan references scenes from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Little Women, and The Great Gatsby where most sermons would reference the preacher’s chosen holy book. I grew up hearing sermons that referenced Christian bible stories, and I’d get caught up in my discomfort with the text. In some ways, that protected me from internalizing the biases of the religious community. Yet it also kept me from taking comfort in the words that genuinely helped others through hard times.  

I feel the need to clarify that Zoltan’s process isn’t about forming religions around books not intended to be religious material. Instead of mentioning a story about how David faced Goliath, she mentions a story of how Jane Eyre faced her abusive aunt. Sometimes, she prays with a quote from the book by adapting the words of the text into a self-affirmation. Zoltan doesn’t assume that everything in the text is good—for example, she doesn't assume that the ending of Jane Eyre is a happy one (which would have troubling implications). She simply assumes that there's a lesson buried within the text.

Zoltan’s process works much better for me than any associated with the organized religion I grew up with, but I’m not as close to the text of Jane Eyre as she is. I also found myself uncomfortable with treating Harry Potter as sacred, so Zoltan’s podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text was, unfortunately, not for me. I decided to begin collecting quotes from what I do read—which, okay, I’m an English major, so I could have used folk tales or ancient epic poems or twentieth-century short stories, because I do read plenty of those. It would work fine with any of them. Sacred reading even helps me understand folk tales from the audience’s perspective. 

But I also read a lot of fanfiction, and I wanted to think about it in a new way. Fanfiction is a modern method of retelling stories. The act of retelling a story over and over is evidence that it is important to a great deal of people. Fanfiction is, legally speaking, not for profit. In this capitalist society that means people are telling these stories solely because they want to. That, in my opinion, creates an exponentially more spiritually honest work than one edited and sold to a publisher. Fanfiction writers, especially those who use the archive, trust that their target audience will find them. 

I don’t mean to put fanfiction on a pedestal. It has its pitfalls. Frankly, when I started, I thought I would get no more than a few good quotes, mainly from the really long fics. I didn’t expect my google doc of fic excerpts to grow to 200 pages and counting within a few months. But it did. Fic writers impressed me over and over once I began to look.

I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do with the quotes for a while, but I knew I wanted to share them with the world. Ultimately, I wanted to write sermons which pulled from transformative works as well as personal anecdotes—but this took time and practice. I began by simply sharing quotes that struck me, occasionally adding analysis in the tags. 

Now, this account also has several prayer sheets like this. I always include Zoltan’s self assuring affirmation format, as well as my hopeful ‘let this happen’ prayer format and willful ‘I will work to make this happen’ vow format. Personally, I cycle through all of them, because I think all three versions of the prayer are important to internalize.

I have also written sermons as well as essays with discussions of sacred reading and retold stories. If you like this, you might be interested in the rest of my page!

[medliwinks]

Literature is Stories that We Keep

I consider fictional books to be literature, easy. I include poetry as well as prose. If I include poetry, I include written song lyrics. I include play scripts as well as screenplay scripts.

Written folklore is literature. In the folklore and mythology class I took, we discussed the blurred lines between legend and myth. The oldest written stories are heavily embellished tales about real people, and there are elements of truth in them.

At this point I consider whether I include non-fiction in my definition of literature. Narrative non-fiction, such as biographies and embellished tales-based-on-true-stories, should be included.

Insofar I've maintained a boundary that literature must be written down. I don't immediately consider literature to be something happening onstage. The script I annotate in my English class, though—that's literature.

Literature stays the same over time, right? It doesn't just exist in one moment, like words or actions spoken aloud?

But—that definition would include indigenous oral histories, right? Even though they aren't written down in the western style, the traditions surrounding them allow them to remain the same over long periods of time.

Now I consider recordings, of songs and speeches and plays and even conversations, like podcasts.

Is that all literature?

Is literature just... stories that we keep?

I think right now, that's the best definition I can give. Stories that we keep.

I'm still thinking about less narrative things. About nonfiction. About whether a lego instruction manual is a story. I think it is—there's a beginning, a middle and an end. I think even math textbooks could be defined this way. We keep it. It's recorded, revisit-able. There's a story in there, a history of centuries of logic. There are even ongoing arcs in which formulas and theorems act as characters that grow or function differently over the course of the chapters.

I've read books of letters. Do my instagram DMs with my partner tell a similar tale?

I think, momentarily, that the stories need to be made up of words. I don't think visual art is literature.

But graphic novels might be.

What about all comics? What about a string of emojis that communicate a sentence? What about prehistoric cave paintings that still tells us exactly what happened to the people who stood here before us?

What about a meme that communicates half-in words and half-in images?

I can't add that stipulation.

Literature is stories that we keep.