melancholyday-dreams

[melancholyday-dreams]

for those of you without phones, there is also a crisis chat line for facebook messenger that is text based, but can only be used to wifi. helpful for people with only a home computer and no phone. stay safe and good luck friends

Please reblog, this is so important.

[melancholyday-dreams]

realistically, lets look at my life for a minute. 

im not pretty. im not that talented (mediocre ass art that will never ever ever go anywhere because i dont practice enough and barely have energy to draw anymore, never been good at music, not good enough of a write for it to fucking matter). i’m not inspirational, im not that funny, im not that smart... 

im not ever gonna “make it”. that hsit wont exist for me, not ever, because i dont deserve it. other people, they deserve it, they were able to go out and get it and make it and just.. they aren’t fucked like me. 

im selfish. im an asshole, a hypocrite, self centered and disgusting and sorry. i dont deserve love, hell not even my mom can stand me half the time, shes just scared of loosing another person and thats why she doesnt want me to die, because she “needs” me. she doesnt WANT me, no one wants me. 

im not gonna make it. im not gonna be happy. realistically, its not fucking possible. 

why can’t i just die?

[melancholyday-dreams]

complaining again bc i suck as a person and need to vent somehow

I’m not quite sure what’s wrong but im freaking out a bit when i need to be studying for my midterms which are this upcoming week, BUT this upcoming week also happens to be the week that my mom is having surgery. since she’s having surgery we’ve been living at my grandmother’s and its fucking hell honestly, i hate living with her and i dont have a room here so i dont have anywhere i can hide and be safe. 

i ALSO have been dealing with crushing lonliness again, which lets be real, is my own fucking fault. im.... not a lovable person, not by a long shot. i want to be good, to be kind and sweet and be someone that i can be proud of but im just.. not. and i hate it. i want to find a religion and change myself but i dont know how and i dont know what and goddammit ijust want a friend thatll be here for me, i dont even care about a partner anymore i dont deserve that to begin with, i just want a friend... but the friends i tried to make have all gotten bored of me, and i cant say that i blame them, because im awful.. 

you know when people talk about having those moments when they realize that they want to make a major change in their life, and then they set about doing that? i want that, i need that, but i dont know how to do it, and its very slowly killing my stupid ass. 

so what the fuck do i do? 

[melancholyday-dreams]

I can't even fucking cut myself right anymore

[melancholyday-dreams]

tag urself dissociation version 

[melancholyday-dreams]

Remember kids, always clean your cuts!!

[melancholyday-dreams]

All I do ever is bother people. People I used to think of as friends I've bothered to the point they don't even talk to me anymore, because all I fucking do EVER is whine. I'm pathetic, a nuisance, a dog you put down partially out of pity and partially out of disgust. I deserve to start cutting again but I don't even have the goddamn energy to hurt myself the way I deserve. Hell, being myself is self harm, I make everyone hate me, I make myself hate me, and for good fucking reason. I can't... I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this and I hate that I'm so selfish that it never fucking stops. I can't be a good person ONCE because all I ever am is whiny and weak and scared. I should've just killed myself ages ago to save everyone the goddamn trouble

[melancholyday-dreams]

Think I'm only sad cause it's night and I'm alone again

[melancholyday-dreams]

I'm either depression or I'm weed there are no other emotions what is it like to feel happy or even content can I just be a person again I miss when things made me happy I miss feeling

[melancholyday-dreams]

a voice in my head told me that I was the type of kid that’s meant to die young and I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that it’s true

[melancholyday-dreams]

reminder: it’s ok to feel lost

[melancholyday-dreams]

i think the emptiness is the worst part of depression. not the physical feeling of emptiness, though that sucks too. i mean like, the your life is empty. you never really did anything of value, no one ever really truly loved you, nor you anyone else. you never had a purpose, and the more you slip away, the farther you get from having a purpose. you’re never gonna matter because you cant find the energy to try, so why get better? like you just get to this point of exhaustion where you havent showered in three days and spoken in two and you cant remember the last time you ate something and you’re aware everything is on fire but you cant bring yourself to do a goddamn thing about it. 

it sucks. 

[melancholyday-dreams]

tag yourself (based on this post)

i’m the entire bottom row

[melancholyday-dreams]

[melancholyday-dreams]

i get so avoid-ant sometimes, where i just lock myself out from everyone. i feel bad for doing it and i know its mean and i know it hurts a lot of people but i just.. cant. 

i know its such an emo and self-centered special snowflake thing to say but it really does feel like no one is listening and understanding what im trying to say. charlie listened better than most people to the shit in my head, and caden just.. understood. idk how, but he did, but they aren’t here anymore, and i havent met anyone else yet that makes me feel.. idk how to explain it, really. guess thats just whatever the fuck friendship feels like, a good solid friendship. 

not to say i dont like and love my other friends, i do. i appreciate and care about them, they’re fun to talk to and be around, but its not.. its not quite the same. like the levels go from school friend < online friend < best friend. or smthn of that nature. its just.. they arent my best friends and i know im not theirs either. im not important to anyone, not really, and im not sure if im okay with that or not yet. 

regardless... i like to be left alone sometimes. the thoughts in my head get so loud and despite whatever they say i know i have to be annoying sometimes, because of how i am... 

whatever. im probably being annoying just posting this stupid shit that no one cares about but it helps to just... throw words into the void. 

[melancholyday-dreams]

ive noticed with my nightmares that there is a similar thing with all of them, themes that come up repeatedly in the parts that i can remember.

i dont know how to interpret dreams, and im not sure if i really believe the people that do, but:

color palette - so every dream i have is centered around certain colors. some dreams have cool colors and some have warm ones, sometimes its mostly shades of green or shades of brown etc. last night’s was very.. gray? like metallic almost, it reminds me of subways

people - the people in my dreams are either faces i recognize or faces i don’t, but i know all of them are important to me somehow. Like… I love them, all of them, they’re all so important to me even after I wake up. It’s heartbreaking in more ways than one

suffering - the worst part about my nightmares are when people suffer. Whether it’s self inflicted or done by someone else everyone seems to suffer in some way. With some dreams it’s mental and emotional, like they’re brainwashed or just hurt deeply in some way, but a lot of the time it’s physical, bloody, awful torture. I’m not sure what’s worse: when they scream and I can hear it, or when they don’t and I have to wonder if I’ll ever know what it sounds like for someone to be in that much pain. It’s.. awful, especially when I can’t help.

deaths - more often than not at least one person dies, or is going to die in my dream. Sometimes it’s multiple people at once - weird dreams of mass genocide, or something to that degree. It’s.. dreams are very abstract, lots of times the faces and shapes aren’t concrete, but.. I don’t have to remember what death looks like in my dreams. I’ve seen in it real time one too many times, and it’s awful no matter what.

feelings - regardless of if the dream was a nightmare I always wake up with this unsettled feeling… like something is missing, something is wrong, and I just can’t figure out what it is. On bad nights I wake up not able to breathe right and on the verge of panic attacks; on good nights, I just wake up with this melancholic feeling of emptiness and loss.. it’s so very strange, and I can’t make sense of it.

[melancholyday-dreams]

date a peach who will hug you and rub your back until you calm down from your bad dream