mell0w-cat

[mell0w-cat]

I am not afraid to be seen.

[mell0w-cat]

my time in the morning is for peace, stillness, and preparation for the day. sometimes that means a hearty breakfast and assessing what I'd like to accomplish around the house, and other times it means sitting outside in a gentle rain with a hot cuppa coffee or tea, my thoughts, and my feelings. no one day is the same, save for the fact that every day is a chance to reflect, reset, and resume the journey of navigating this wild life. today I'm tired, so the rain was a nice and welcome way to slowly start my day. what are some of your favorite ways to start each day? what habits, practices, or environments make you feel balanced and prepared to take on the new challenges that life will bring? what helps you remember to take things one day at a time?

[mell0w-cat]

good advice from @thatsbelievable

now I want to make a blanket fort, it *has* been a few years...

[mell0w-cat]

Piece by piece, my house becomes a home, and I find bits of myself again along the way. I am an imperfect person with a lot to make up for and a long road ahead, taking one step at a time.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

A trophy

A note

An old family photograph

A scent

A certain type of furniture

A phrase

A song

A surprise memory

Why are there so many unexpected triggers for trauma recall? How can something be so deeply rooted and embodied yet remain invisible until it attacks? I spent years numbing myself from things I wasn't even aware existed, and now that I'm acutely aware and trying to confront, process, and accept the things I couldn't control, I can't even prepare for when they'll affect me. So, how do I minimize my hypervigilance to lessen my anxiety but still prepare for these unexpected triggers? Some days are easier than others, but all of them feel like a battle. I'm exhausted, drained, and somehow still determined to push forward, but when will I know that it's over? When will I find comfort in the safety and peace that surrounds me instead of skepticism and self-sabotage?

I expect all of those answers will come with time, with grace, and with more work to move forward.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

picked up plants today, cleansing and setting altar space soon, then more plants... so yeah, i think I *will* be the witch I want to see in the bog. 😸

[mell0w-cat]

seeing this just after visiting a van gogh immersive gallery experience feels like a sign, maybe I just need to go find a poppy field to read, write, snack, and nap in for a while...

by ianbrierleyphotography

[mell0w-cat]

It's a small start, but the whimsy and warmth are only going to grow in my backyard, and I think these are some fine first pieces.

[mell0w-cat]

Night Terrors by Natalia Urchina *labeled mature for potential image triggers

This is the most close to accurate art I've seen of what I keep waking up to, frozen, unable to move or speak, as it stares down from the celling above my window. posting because seeing it, naming it "night terror," feels like it takes away some of its power, so maybe I'll get a full night of rest soon. not tonight, but hopefully soon.

[mell0w-cat]

I am a pretzel. Day in and day out, I am facing my regrets, trying hard to give myself grace, and remembering that I'm gonna be okay. I hurt a lot of friends, lost those friends as a consequence, and discovered so many unhealed parts of myself as a result that I have to remember I am only a victim to my past, not my own actions, and processing my past means taking control over its effects on me and no longer feeling like a victim to it. Healing is cyclical and personal, so I can only control my reactions and responses, using lessons from my moral regrets to avoid foundation regrets. Trauma can make people act in ways that go against their fundamental values, shame and guilt about those actions can hide the truth of them from everyone, including the person enacting them, but realizing those things about oneself is the turning point. Do I continue to live in the discomfort of shame and guilt, hurting and driving away the people I care about? Or do I admit my faults, work through the trauma that misinformed my development, and work to rewire the parts of myself that grew to act out in ways that "protected" me through self-sabotage? I'm choosing the healing, the harder path with the greater reward, so I can finally regain the essential self I buried under all the pain. There's gonna be a lot of salt, a ton of twists, and at the end of the day, a nice, cold coke to wash it all down. I've got this, and if I can do it then so can you.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

[mell0w-cat]

😻

😻

I did not know they were stackable ?????????

[mell0w-cat]

This kind of message keeps popping up everywhere for me today, so I'm adopting it as my theme and remembering to be patient and give myself grace. Everything can't be processed at once, progress doesn't happen in a moment or a day, and keeping up with the work with consistency is enough. I am enough. So are you. No matter what we're dealing with, we can make it through.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

Odd how it seems to rain and thunder at my home when the same is happening in my mind. I started today feeling distant, disconnected, and lonely. After some time, I realized I'd been sitting with those feelings for way too long, and then the skies opened up. So, I pulled out my phone to record some of the storm, grabbed my journal, and went to work getting all my thoughts and feelings about how the day started onto paper. I went on to write about what's next, along with how unsure I am about the future. All I can control is myself and how I react to the world around me. Keeping that in mind, I remembered how I used to laugh, run, and dance in the rain when I was younger, not because I didn't know the dangers but because I knew that I couldn't stop the rain and may as well enjoy the feeling rather than let it soak into my mood. That's the energy I'm taking into each new day, never knowing when it might rain but cherishing the fact that every day holds experiences that I get to choose my reaction to. So, will I focus on wet socks and let rain ruin a moment or will I dance and remember that there's dry clothes to change into when the rain has stopped? I choose the dancing.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

After a few days of high anxiety and depression bubbling under the surface, I'm finally back to feeling confident about my progress. I've made more healthy choices and habits over the last three months than anything else and it isn't fair for me to allow my thoughts or feelings to get so caught up in a lapse that was only a handful of moments in one day to tear all of that down. I can do the work, I am doing the work, and I'll keep moving forward.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

Checklists and little notes of encouragement are game changers, I wish I'd started using things like this to accommodate for myself sooner, but I'm glad to have them in my toolbox now.

One day at a time.

[mell0w-cat]

Bad brain days suck, to put it lightly. For nearly a week, I've been feeling better and better, accomplishing so much every day, and seeing my progress first hand. Then today, I wake up feeling absolutely worthless, alone, and empty. Waking up like that sent my mind into a spiral of negativity, feeling guilt for the bad choices I made that got me here, regret for hurting so many people I love, and shame for how I reacted at the beginning of all of it. Those are all things I feel off and on through every day, with the ability to breathe and be mindful about my self and my thoughts so I can sit with them and process before moving on with my day. Today felt like a coordinated attack, all of the negativity coming in at once, like tidal waves of sadness trying to beat me into submission.

This is a battle I created, though, and I'm not going to be beat by my own mind. I'll keep doing the work, being honest with myself and those around me, and pushing back against the waves when they come, no matter how big or how often. If you're reading this, and you've felt the same kind of shame about decisions you've made, things you've done, or even thoughts you've had, don't ignore it. Don't let it control you. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones and get the support you need to deal with those feelings before it turns into something hurtful. As my therapist always tells me, "tell on it, you take its power away."

I know I've got this, even with how awful I felt today I know there's always tomorrow. One moment at a time.

One day at a time.

Pic Credit: wizardofbarge

Link: https://www.instagram.com/wizardofbarge?igsh=cjJvdmlpYm44N3Zy