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just another adventure with tav 😭😭😭

Janet Elizabeth Aulisio

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Why I can never make myself ascend Astarion in my own playthroughs: AKA, I'm a sappy sucker (pun realized but not intended)

Also surprise TW: for ED I didn't think we'd get there for this but somehow we did. Nothing graphic or anything.

To me, Astarion's entire narrative feels like it seeks to answer the question: is he enough like this? Is what he can offer, moodiness, sexual trauma, centuries of abuse rattling around in his brain, confined to the dark- is that really enough for you? What else does he have to offer but his burdens? He even says as much if you break up with him in act 3 before fighting Cazador.

He doesn't think he DOES have anything to offer you. He doesn't really see just how much good there is left in himself, every piece of gentleness, kindness, softness, all of that was made to feel like his own weakness by Cazador who was made to feel that way himself by his own master.

Because that's how I see his storyline, it makes ascending him feel like saying "No. You're not. You will never be enough as you are, this is the only way, you're right."

Which is why you need to convince him, not to give up something he wants, but that you already think he IS enough. That he can be better than Cazador, not by becoming what Cazador sought to become, but by being the best parts of himself that have come through on your journey. Ascended Astarion is the way he is, in my opinion, because for all that power he now KNOWS (or thinks he does) that those parts of himself were worthless.

I also think it's very telling the way his approval works in the scene where you're convincing him not to ascend or helping him to do it.

(I LOVED this entire video btw, if you're hopelessly addicted like I am you might have already seen it but I'll link it jic)

When you get to the big moment, Astarion approves of being convinced not to go through with it, and interestingly he disapproves at the same time. But that math still works.

+3-1= +2

I feel those numbers in my SOUL every time someone validates me. I approve, because I want to believe it, I would like to think those nice things people who love me say... But I also disapprove. Because I don't believe them, not yet, even if I really want to.

It's the difference between someone helping you hide your dinner in the midst of an eating disorder and the people who tell you there is no reason to do that to yourself. You might appreciate both, but one is harder to hear, it takes more convincing, and it's also so much better for you if you listen to them.

However much the ritual probably does fuck with him and his soul and all that magicy stuff, I think I can honestly see a lot of just being... fear. Like he's always had, but now he has to pretend that it worked, that all the fear is gone, because he knows nobody, not even you, wants to see him as the spawn who wasn't enough without this profane power.

I don't know if anyone else really sees it that way, I know plenty of people love ascended Astarion but he breaks my heart. It feels so tragic. It doesn't feel like kinky roleplay, it just feels like him killing whatever softness he had left in him because he's afraid of it.

It feels like opening your heart to someone and saying "I don't think I'll ever be good enough unless I become everything my abusive controlling father told me I should want to be." and they look you in the eyes and say, "You're right."

And I can never ever bring myself to do that to him, not when I've dedicated so much time to the playthrough by that point. 😅 I'll take my little ascended Astarion clips and enjoy some of the fun dialogue he gets like anyone else but I will never be convinced ascending him is even remotely a happy ending.

(Also P.S: I understand evil playthroughs and stuff exist and you're not evil if you enjoy them/ or if your interpretation of AA is different for that matter, but I ammmm just not in a place where I can stand to feel like the world is any worse than it already is you know what I mean? Lol)

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(clear sticky note added for flair)

my tav, tadzi, whom i think of waaaay too much

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my tav, tadzi, whom i think of waaaay too much

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House MD is awesome it's like. Did you know self harm isn't always physical. Sometimes it's sabotaging your relationships so you can feel emotional pain when people leave you. Now he's dancing with a boombox

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[Fig. 01 Mikuchondria]

The powerhouse of YOUR cell

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happy bg3 final patch day!!!!

happy bg3 final patch day to those who celebrate

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28 stab w- sorry, wrong fandom

(not a ship)

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it takes a village (of sylvanian families)

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[drawn] blood warning.

Listening to Femtanyl lately. Just a normal amount.

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they have discovered algorithm (durge hasn't posted a while, bhaal temple really needs the revenue) (feel free to leave me ideas for other characters!!)

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✦Durgetash's はいよろこんで

I clearly remember that I spent a lot of time on this 😤🙏

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Shell - bg3 comic Astarion, TavDurgeMonk

soft censored nsfw content⚠️

read uncensored on p4treon here

I hope you enjoyed! read uncensored on p4treon here

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I will bring you dead flowers

I'll carry your Bible to church

I'll be everything that I'm not

Come on over my darling tonight

OC Mourner and Velsharoon

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what do you know of loss?

no words for how much I adore these two characters and the ways their journeys parallel one another's... take this as part character study (what if they helped each other heal!) and part ship content (they were made for each other...) anyways. the shadowzel illness never stops

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what kind of "nice, simple plan" is this

original meme under the cut, and I got that dnd fact from this thread!

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Reflections Part 4 up over on Patreon~ Talking, figuring some stuff out, and being honest about feelings ew