menta11yi11

[menta11yi11]

How to explain to a normie that the S.I. is something that I struggle with on a regular basis and that I don't actually need to go to the hospital this time...

[menta11yi11]

Having to give up a special interest of mine I've had since 2011 is rough but there's just too many triggers from the fandom that I can't compromise with. I know HS will always be a part of how I see things because I've integrated a lot of our HS subsystem alters fairly successfully. I'm still disappointed in myself and how I'm unable to enjoy things without introjecting characters and even real people involved in the communities. I wish there was a button I could press to turn that response off in my head.

I wish I hadn't developed a parasocial relationship with people I once admired. I've been seen at 5 different hospitals and institutions this year alone and I can handle things now but for many months I was not doing well mentally. I was severely suicidal and didn't care much how that impacted other people around me when I was venting all the time. Now I just. Don't talk to people outside much. I just sleep. I struggle making things. I'm on disability and not working and it feels useless to try to go back to school with this overwhelming sensation I'm going to die soon. I missed aspects of my mania where I was creative and had motivation to write and draw, sing, dance... I'm more tolerable to other people since I got on a mood stabilizer but now I'm just numb and feel little to nothing most days. I'm so sorry for those I lost along the way by my actions, and sometimes inactions. I could have done better by you and for myself too. I tried to apologize but I'm realizing nothing I do or say is going to change what happened so I left and kept my distance. I'm still having to unfollow and unfriend people who are all tied to this- I'm not proud of my system or how severely rude and dysfunctional we have been.

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Breaking out of a delusional episode then having to face everyone that got involved is the worst and I hate it here.

It's true that within my DID system Andrew and I are together, but Andrew is an introject and I'm not in an external relationship. In fact, I'm terrified that no one will ever love me because of my DID and how it presents itself.

Then our littles found out about the in-system partner stuff and made a social media post that implied I was in actuality engaged. I humiliated myself in front of everyone and I don't know how to come back from it. Most of my former friends have blocked me and think I'm dangerous due to my schizo-spectrum stuff so now I feel isolated. I ruined my life. I don't know what to do now and I'm stuck living in the rural South with my bio Dad and trying to sleep away life.

I have little to no motivation to do anything these days and there's not a lot of opportunities for me to leave here or go on to do better things. I'm just hurt and angry and wish I had just died when my attempt happened earlier this summer. Instead I actually have to face my life and it's bullshit. I have no real friends out here, and my family just doesn't understand how severely depressed I am most days. I'm on my meds and meeting with a therapist soon but what's even the point. I don't contribute to society and I feel more like a burden on the system overall. I genuinely feel like most people would be happier if I had never met them.

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Embarrassed myself a bit in front of my favorite voice actors on a live stream and now I'm spiraling a bit just. Blegh it's almost time for night meds anyways. Good night. Today was exhausting. Has a 2 hour intake for a new provider today and the whole time I had intense deja vu and switched a couple of times

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It would be great if the Mormons and their fucking nosey ass friends stopped calling cops to check on me

I've been trying to get away from them since I was very very little. I'm almost 26 they still calling cops on me for trying to get away and say "Oh we worried about you" GOOD. WORRY. YOU DID NOT WORRY WHEN I DIED AND TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN. YOU ONLY WORRY BECAUSE IM GROWN AND CHOOSE TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CULT. Fuck off you abusers and abuse apologists. I am a grown woman I am not in need of the Bishopric to save my soul and make me a pure woman 😬

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I'm still grieving that people told me suicidal ideation made them uncomfortable and so they kicked me from the group chat and only furthered the belief that I would never be accepted for my transness and mental health struggles.

"You're just such a downer, and you're attention-seeking." I was at the lowest point and then got humiliated by someone and lost 20+ friends in one night. But sure, tell me about how you /care/ about trans people. Tell me about how you're a mental health advocate while you shame people for being overwhelmed and self-defeating.

I know it's a hard conversation but they could have asked for a time-out instead of banning me and locking me out of access to my own threads about my headspace and inner world stuff in the plural server. This person has access to links to what my inner world looks like and I don't. I don't see how I'm solely the one in the wrong here. I didn't handle my venting well so I found other coping skills and I'm doing better now I'm not living with the cult parents who were actively threatening me with homelessness and gaslighting me about the abuse. I was in a domestic violence situation but they didn't fucking care and I just had to accept that sometimes people who claim to be your friend aren't going to step up when things get Real, and I have to find people who won't shame me for expressing hopelessness. I have much better friends now and a therapist who respects me and a case worker who checks on me regularly, and I guess it took a mean trans woman to bully me to realize not every trans person actually cares about others in their community. Sometimes people don't have the capacity for compassion and it's not something I can change or should try to change about them. Idk I still have a lot of trauma around women in social hierarchies because most of the friend groups I've had were queer women who would assert dominance, and other me when I didn't submit to exactly the way they wanted me to be- this isn't like a "grr women evil" but like, as a queer enby woman myself, it hurts 20x more to be rejected by a trans woman. If a cis man is mean to me, I can accept it easier and it rolls off. Not being accepted by a trans feminine person hits a lot of my insecurities that I'm too male to be part of the sapphic community. I'm not womanly enough to be in the squad, I'm not perfectly poised and I'm abrasive sometimes, which makes me come off as "a man invading women's spaces." Let autistic women be angry and blunt, let us express disappointment without this "good vibes only" bullshit. I felt like I was being tone policed constantly and others were controlling my behavior to feel like I could 'fit' into the new friend group. I was fucking miserable and my OCD and paranoia spiraled and I developed an introject of the person who kicked us from their group server. This introject would be a persecutor and tell me about how I'm terrible and how I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't feminine enough, that me not shaving my beard and facial hair was hurting other trans women and making the community 'look bad.' Her own dysphoria was projected onto me and I felt like I had to shave and wear a full-face of makeup and pitch my voice up to not be seen as a man pretending to be a woman. I didn't need that inner critic telling me I'm not enough or that I'm too much for others when I'm struggling.

[menta11yi11]

The sheer struggle of self-mutilation from shame. I kept myself in this place because I believed I wasn't able to be redeemed for the harm I caused others. I held myself in that Hell because I wasn't able to accept that they'd forgiven me and moved on already- it was me who hadn't forgiven myself.

I'm truly sorry for all of this. For what I did. I didn't know.

[menta11yi11]

BPD culture is feeling like you've lied about yourself when someone calls you a nice person, you've somehow manipulated them and they've fallen for your lies, because they can't honestly think that

.

[menta11yi11]

bpd culture is changing your oc’s lore so they don’t suffer as much because they have bpd too. i won’t be as cruel to you as the world was to me. your FP will still love you after years of separation. you’ll be best friends again. you’ll stop having him as an FP and you’ll fall in love. look at the world i’ve made for you — isn’t it so pretty? you have the scar of his bite on your wrist and he has the scar of your bite on his shoulder. he loves you just as much as you love him. he didn’t find it weird or creepy that you based everything around him, he was flattered!

i will never be as cruel to you as the world was to me.

-💫🎶

.

[menta11yi11]

The best thing about me? I care about my friends and people who are hurting. The Worst thing about me: I can't stop caring too much. Worrying too much. And then when I do stop caring I've disappointed everyone by not being consistent. Disappointed in myself constantly. I got so excited to have people who feel safe and don't take time to set appropriate boundaries.

[menta11yi11]

I didn't wanna save the whole world I just wanted to save the people around me and I couldn't even do that

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Had a psychotic episode in front of newer friends and now I'm embarrassed and guilty for not being able to reign it in. Like fuck sorry I'm at a breaking point right now. I'm not okay and my therapist keeps canceling on me and the people downstairs are using unknown substances and I don't know the people downstairs. I'm trying to ground and stuff but my whole body feels whack right now.

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Me @ DID systems who refuse to own up to their actions when they cause irreparable harm to someone bc "their alter did it"

I was like that 5+ years ago and I had to learn it didn't matter that it wasn't "me" fronting. People in my body hurt others and I have to take responsibility and own up for their shit. It sucks but you gotta. You have to do it.

mike’s hard look at yourself

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So tired of people telling me not to care about stuff that sends me into panic attacks. You sound like the high school counselors who told me to toughen up when students were sui baiting me and the police who didn't care after I was violently assaulted.

'Waaaa you're so sensitive'

Yeah fuck me for caring about making the community tolerable to trauma survivors.

I'm actually wanting to break shit right now. How dare I care about kids with little to no support being scared off the few platforms they feel safe being themselves on. What a loser I am for wanting the online world to be a kinder place. My bad.

Guess you'd rather these kids just relapse and commit themselves into psych wards

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People not interacting with my TDOV post bc I mentioned Hussie in it are fucking weak. Idc if you don't like them- I'm allowed to find joy and comfort in them coming out as clowngender. Fuck off. GNC people can be whatever we want, even if you think we're weird/gross. Also. They've stepped away from socials and I can tell through our mutual friends they're a lot more chill and kind and like. No- I've never talked to Andrew, and I know that they probably think I'm alright. I don't think I'd be able to be friends with several of their coworkers and irl friends if A.H genuinely despised me for me overly tagging them and talking about introject stuff in the past. If it was actually a problem I wouldn't be a VRC mod for Homestuck 😬 not gonna let random fans try to humiliate me for something that the creators aren't even bothered by ✌️

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People are all "support survivors of CSA" until that survivor is disabled, has dealt with housing insecurity, and resorted to firefighting methods of coping with their abuse through substance use and promiscuity. It's all "protect the kids" until that kid is angry, or they faun. Y'all only care if I'm a sad little crying girl. People didn't care I was being abused by my teacher because I was trans masc. I was treated like I should be honored to have a teacher take special interest in me, and be grateful that they let me stay at their house when I was living out of my car. I went from leaving a cult to being kicked out from house to shelter to psych wards to literally sleeping in abandoned buildings and the few people who had compassion for me was the Indigenous elders in the Cherokee nation. But no because I used he/him pronouns and passed fairly well, that Feminism and social justice wasn't permitted to me. "Oh but he waited until you were 18" that doesn't make it better. He just waited until he couldn't get arrested for sleeping with a minor. This man is 13 years older than me. But yeah sure victim blame the freshly 18 ftm autistic because you personally don't like them. I have no patience for Feminism that excludes male and masc survivors. Then got into another D.V relationship immediately after with someone who was like 25? And they told everyone I was dangerous and a manipulative abuser (k sorry for having psychosis immediately after losing all my support systems. My bad for being maladjusted and not knowing how to safely use drugs (literally just weed btw) or practice pagan stuff without it giving people unreality.) But do you really think an 18 yr old with a seizure disorder who was sleeping on a couch, not on the lease, and could lose shelter if I stepped on the wrong eggshell was the 'true abuser' in the situation? You really think someone who was having catatonic episodes in which I couldn't move while my hypersexual partner pressured me into sex was actually the Big Bad because the partner is trans femme? Go fuck yourself. Shame on you. Yeah I'm sure someone who is frozen in place for an hour is absolutely the rapist here /S

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Feeling really conflicted right now over the fact that my mormon family is being kinder and more receptive to my needs than the queer family members I used to idolize. Just need to find queer found family that doesn't see me as only ever a fuck-up and embarrassment. How is it that my mom is being more supportive of my disability stuff than my trans siblings rn?