michellenj4u-blog

[michellenj4u-blog]

Broken

That's how I feel. I miss you and I'm lost without you. I can't even cry anymore because I have nothing left. I feel dead inside and everything I once believe could be possible is gone. It's all a lie. I never got to really say goodbye.

[michellenj4u-blog]

[michellenj4u-blog]

I'm a stone Leave me alone Go away I'm a stone Some kind of grey No colour I'm cold I have nothing to say Leave me alone Go away I am just there Far away Why stare Leave me alone Go away I am nothing special Others are bright / they shine Others have value/ are precious I'm grey Leave me alone Go away I can be destructive I can cause things to break I get used I'm not strong But I'm a paper weight Leave me alone Go away But no you are here to use me Then throw away It doesn't matter I'm stone I will not break

[michellenj4u-blog]

[michellenj4u-blog]

[michellenj4u-blog]

I look on Facebook and see how many of the people I grew up with have died. They were happy people with so many friends and family that loved them. I look at the profiles that linger well after they are gone. Each year someone posts to their walls about how much they are missed, pictures of friends or family gathered together with huge smiles . I feel guilty that I’ve wished to die on so many occasions and yet I’m still here breathing . Their missed and in so many ways I don’t feel like I matter. That they would of lived better. So I’m going to have to start trying. I need to stop letting others walk all over me. I’m able to love and I need to stop being so afraid. I’m ready to let go of all the past . I’m going to be happy.

[michellenj4u-blog]

Every time I turn off my phone, the camera puts the beauty filter back on. It's like having someone around saying, I need to put on more makeup. 😂😂

[michellenj4u-blog]

I remember this one day in high school, I was in the library. I believe i had study hall, I had gotten up from my table and was walking up to the exit since the bell was about to ring, to change classes. All of a sudden a teacher was right in front of me, asking my name. I told him my name and he introduced himself as my sister’s teacher. The first thing I thought was ,“ great this ought to be interesting .” I guess my sister failed a test, didn’t do her homework and batting her eyes or pressing up against this guy, didn’t work. So she used me, how kind of her. This wasn’t the first time. In the past, when she didn’t get sympathy for having to mow the lawn, she used the “ I’m so emotionally tortured because I’m forced to watch my baby sister get beaten by our father” She never seemed to mention, when Dad was at work; her and my Mommy dearest would gang up on me. Never a word of how mommy would call me out into the living room as soon as, dad pulled out of the driveway. She would start the fun and it always ended the same. I would be in tears, in my room , curled in a ball, mumbling,“ why do you hate me , I’m a good girl , I’m a good girl , why don’t you love me , I want to go , I want to go!” So now I’m stuck with this teacher that must of grown up in the 60’s with some peace and love bullshit. It’s the late 80’s and I don’t have time for this. He told me that my sister was very concerned about me and he was here to help. He than did the most laughable thing. He handed me a blank piece of paper and said ,“ I want you to take this paper and write down all your feelings. Then we’ll just talk about them ” So I took the paper and did as he said . I handed it to him I said ,“ no need to talk about it” I had written “ FUCK YOU!!!” I walked out the library before the bell rang. I was shaking. I’ve never done anything so disrespectful but FUCK him . No one ever helped me and what was he going to do. Was he going to go back in time ? Would he give me a mom that tucked me and read me a bedtime story? Give me a dad that made me feel safe ? Would he stop my parents from hurting me with their words and their blows? Would I no longer be punched in the face , kicked in the ribs , hair pulled , cracked in the head with fists , a shovel ( that cracked my head open at age 12) Was he going to give me a Dad that would teach me how to ride a bike ? Was he going to make me feel loved ? Would he stop my parents from telling me over and over again that, I should just kill myself, until I finally did try but failed ? Would he stop me from running away from home at 15 and ending up being raped by a 27 year old man only months after, I had said no to my first boyfriend that I truly loved. I had believed you should be married to have sex. Would this teacher take away all the shame of no longer being clean???? What the fuck did he think he would say in 3 minutes before that bell rang in front of kids i knew ? Did he want my bottle of blackberry brandy that numbed some of my pain, that I carried with me at all times ? I’ll never know because I never saw him again .

[michellenj4u-blog]

I have lost so much so many times and the only feelings I get is being afraid at first but then I'm free. It's not the things or the place that matter. It's the people you surround yourself with that matter.

[michellenj4u-blog]

This song is perfect for my next memory . I was hanging out with a bunch of friends. I don't remember drinking and getting high but I know I was. Jenn and I got into of the our friends cars and we all drove over to the reservoir. Once there I noticed a boy my age, sitting in the backseat of a car. He locked eyes with me and was waving me over to him. I was very reluctant but he seemed upset about something, so I wanted to see if he was okay. I opened the door on the other side of him and he asked if I could please ask his friend something. I did as he asked me and came back to him with his friend's response. Before too long, I was sat in the car next to him. He was explained how he had hurt his knee and couldn't manage standing without being in horrible pain. I moved further away from him and asked if he wanted to put his foot up. To my surprise he spun around, put his head in my lap and his leg up on the tip of the seat. I could feel butterflies in my stomach and goosebumps all over. For the next couple hours as the others sat by the fire , laughed , drank and partied, we talked. Then he put his hand on the back of my head and pulled my head down until our lips met. I couldn't believe it. I felt a rush of excitement and I didn't want it to end. In such a short time he had told me about his hopes , his dreams and his fears. He said he felt like he could tell me anything. That I was unlike anyone he had ever met. It was beautiful but before long, I heard Jenn saying " what ya doing " then a giant giggle. Which made me giggle. I was young and sure this was the start of something wonderful. She told me it was time to go but I didn't want to say goodbye. He asked for my number and swore he would call. I found a pen but no paper Jenn said to write it on his hand. I was still a bit high but I took his hand. I was shaking but I managed to write down a number. Jenn was laughing the whole time. He pulled me into the car and kissed me. On the ride home, I asked Jenn if she thought he liked me , she said she thought he really liked me. I then asked if she thought he would call me . She said, she didn't think he would . My heart sank. Why did she think he wouldn't call ???? What was so wrong with me, that he wouldn't??? So I asked her ! She said ," well he can't call you because he doesn't know your name and if he calls that number you wrote , he won't get you because you wrote 927-9999." Which was not my number. I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I was heartbroken. So, I guess the moral of the story is ; drug and drink can really ruin things! lol

[michellenj4u-blog]

Pain I'm on a liquid morphine trip Staying awake all night looking for a fight But I'm the only one here I'll sleep the day Trying to keep the pain at bay It's a long plight I'm on a liquid morphine trip Staying awake all night looking for a fight But I'm the only one here zombies walking the grounds They don't notice me in town I'm invisible everywhere I'm on a liquid morphine trip Staying awake all night looking for a fight But I'm the only one here All the noise in my head It drowns out the sounds As cars race past and days gone by I'm on a liquid morphine trip Staying awake all night  looking for a fight But I'm the only one here The world's a big blur Glasses worn on my head But it's all the same to me. I'm on a liquid morphine trip Staying awake all night  looking for a fight But I'm the only one here Words are just that Something for a scrabble board or on a dotted line But its all okay I'm just fine

[michellenj4u-blog]

I sort of skipped past some things, so I'm going to go back. When I was about 15 years old, I had a friend called Ian. He was so cool. He played guitar and we both loved things from the 60's. I'd sneak out of my house and ride my bike to his house about 10-15 miles away. Once there I'd sneak into his bedroom. He would light up a joint or spark up a bowl and we'd lay on his bed together just talking. I was so in love with him but not in a jealous, possessive way. It's possible to love a friend deeply and I did love him that way. He used to do ancient tribal ceremonies, in which he would try to heal my asthma . I often wondered if it was just an excuse to get stoned and feel my tits. I also wondered why I let him. I remember once going to his house and Ian told me we were going to have an ancient tribal ceremony back in the woods. I saw our friend Danny McEntire was there so I was happy. Danny was straight edge / skate or die, which meant no drugs and I thought that was cool. I didn't believe in that. I believed whatever killed the pain was good for me. So Ian gathered up the things necessary for this little excursion and we were off. We traced all through the woods until we found a clearing that was to Ian's liking and down Ian sat. I sat across from him . He opened a bad and out came all sorts. He had candles, little elephant figurine, crystals and of course the pot. Ian lit a joint and passed it to me. He than explained that we are to focus our negative energy into this pretty sizable rock that was in front of him . Once we unburned ourselves of this negative energy the rock would heat up and we would then throw away said negatively filled rock. Well Danny wasn't having any of it. He thought the whole thing was stupid, I thought the pot was some quality stuff and Ian was in full on hippie mode. So, Ian proceeded by chanting , " negative energy, negative energy " as he made sweeping movements with his hands to the rock. Danny was repeating " are you done yet " and I was just trying to pass the joint saying " ear" it was supposed to be " here " but I was holding in smoke. So if someone was travelling on a trail in the woods they would be greeted by our voices saying " negative energy, negative energy, are you done yet , ear , negative energy, negative energy, are you done yet , ear!" This went on until Danny lost it , Ian picked up the rock, threw it and I nearly wet my pants listening to them. The climate went like this " are you fucking done yet , fuck that's hot , ear, man that was fucking hot but felt good , let's go" I laughed the entire walk back to Ian's house. God I loved those days. Not because of the pot. I stopped smoking pot a couple years later . I loved thinking I was a part of something.

[michellenj4u-blog]

When I was with John I realised I didn’t want to be anyone’s anything. I didn’t want to be anyone’s ; sister, girlfriend, cousin, daughter , nothing!!!! Fuck that and fuck all of you. Why should I take part in any of that shit??? It’s all lies. I just didn't want to be around and let anyone hurt me . I chose to hurt myself. I would cut myself , then I’d burn myself, I didn’t do it for attention. If I wanted attention someone would of seen it. So fuck off if you think that’s what I was after. I never let anyone know. John wouldn’t allow me to do the self-harming. When he saw it he would, beat the hell out of me. Like that made sense. So I found another way to harm myself. I stopped eating. I wouldn’t eat for 4-5 days at a time. I would become so weak , I’d pass out and the pains were torture but it would take my mind off things . When I did eat , I would make myself sick. When I finally left John I was what everyone wanted me to be . I was thin. My mom wanted to take me shopping and call me her daughter. Boys that used to make fun of me or ignore me, wanted to date me. Girls wanted to be my " very best friend". In school I was a loner, a freak or something. So all this attention was weird. I can’t remember one real friends from school and now I had people asking me to hang out. I still had my guard up, I felt like they would all fuck me over eventually. I didn't hate any of them. I didn't really care. I was numb to all that. I had one real friend, Jenn my neighbour and she was the only person that I really trusted. I trusted her but never even let her get too close. I couldn’t open up to anyone, I just kept things locked up inside. It was lonely but it was the only thing I knew.

[michellenj4u-blog]

Once more I've been crushed in spirit and laid to waste Don't stand in line to tell me my mistakes I know them all too well Hearing how I need to change What do they really want from me I long for a warm embrace, a tender word, all never felt and never heard  I'll run and hide Leave me alone I can't help but be myself My lost soul, a empty shell where all my demons tend to dwell. You lift me up Than drop me hard  Hopes are slashed away Tiny shards are left with jagged edges cutting through already raw fresh Warm, wet flow of crimson fills the colourless world It is a quiet beauty So peacefully pumping to a magnificent puddle on the floor I long to see it once more Tighten my hand into a fist Feel what was, it now ends and vdrifts away Not another horrible day Happiness now fills me,  as worries disappear The pain would be a delight if just felt from the flesh I pray for sleep that endlessness  A happy ending My eternal rest

[michellenj4u-blog]

So it was over…. I left John. I got on the bus at Egg Harbour City, it took me to  Atlantic City and from there I took another bus to Linwood. I knew I couldn’t go home, my face was beat up pretty bad. So I walked to, Kevin's mother's house. Kevin was a coworkers of mine. I didn’t dare knock on his door. Instead I quietly opened his garage door and crept inside. There is was greeted by Broc, Kevin’s rotwieler and black lab mix dog. I curled up in a chair and Broc stood guard over me until Kevin came home. I remember Kevin coming in and me asking him to not turn on the light. He did turn on the light. I don’t know what he must of thought but I do know he wanted to kill John. I just wanted to sleep, to drift off and forget.

[michellenj4u-blog]

I felt bad when I left John, even though I was being abused. I hated knowing someone would hurt because of me and he did. He called me crying . I just didn't want to live in fear anymore. So waited unil he went to work, called family begged to be picked up, went back grabbed a couple things, wrote a letter and placed a rose on it. It wasn't just any kind of rose, it was one he gave me. I preserve it by letting it dry and it turned pitch black . It was eerily beautiful. In the letter I said ," just like this rose has died , so has my love for you." I'd like to say I never saw him again but I did. Weeks later I snuck back into the house to get a couple things. He was there. I came whilst he was supposed to be working but what I didn't know , was that he had quite his job and had been waiting for me to show up. He heard me come to the door and hid. When I shut the door and went down the hall, he was behind me. I can't remember how many hours I was there. I just remember him punching me in the face over and over,I fell to the green carpet and tried to curl up into a ball, to over my face. He stomped on me, kicked me and then cried asking why I didn't love him. We talked and I told him I did love him. I said how my family knew I came there. He said he planned to kill me but I tried to convinced him to let me go and he said the buses weren't running anymore that day because it was too late. I talked him into taking me to the bus stop to show me. That I could use the pay phone to call them so they wouldn't call the police. We got to the bus stop and I sat down on the bench telling him I was dizzy. I was just trying to waste time. I saw the bus coming but I wasn't sure if it was the bus I needed but any bus would do. I started crying I was so scared . He looked over and saw it. He told me to get up . I wouldn't move, I couldn't! He tried to grab my arm but I pulled free. He grabbed me again but the bus was getting close. He panicked and told me to fucking move. I wouldn't. I was trying to wave my hand for the bus to stop . John looked at the bus and then me. He then punched me square in the face and I fell to the ground. I could hear the bus just feet away and then the screech of the breaks. John then went to grab me and I heard a man say ," don't you fucking touch her" I looked up and the bus driver was standing there with what looked like a small bat in his hand, next to him was about 3 guys. Two helped me up as the bus driver and another man were screaming at John that he wasn't a man. I saw John walk away saying," me to go , just go. " I was helped to a seat and given tissues, for my bloody lip and eyes. Then it hit me started crying. I finally realised; I never went back to that house for my things. I went to see if he was okay. That he wasn't hurting, if he had changed, if he really loved me. I was crying because I wanted to feel loved .

[michellenj4u-blog]

I only lived in Brooklyn, New York for a short time but I loved it. I grew up in a town where only the crickets came out after dark. Then I was in a city that came alive at night. Within a short time of being there I watched a D.E.A. drug bust and a car cut off an ambulance that had it's sirens on. I remember thinking I was surrounded by people that just didn't care. I met a friend named Kim and one night I went on an adventure to find her sister. It turns out that Kim's sister was addicted to drugs . So we actually went to crack houses looking for her. My eyes were opened to a new world. One that wasn't pretty but if you look close enough past all the bad you saw police fighting to win the war on drugs in the worst of places , medical emergency staff looking to save lives no matter the cost and a sister's love that knew no boundaries. It was something to behold. So powerful and so raw