midnighteloquence

[midnighteloquence]

imperfect, so imperfect compared to anyone and everyone who you ask, my skin isnt dark enough to be beautiful, not light enough to be beautiful, im not skinny enough to be pretty and not curvy enough to be pretty, my body type is so imperfect, my face is so imperfect, i have no fixed aesthetic because i cant choose one that makes me pretty, my personality is all over the place, i can name more flaws than strengths, i cant even BEGIN to stop being spiteful and bitter and mean because thats not coded in me, i cant begin to be happy because its not in my dna to be happy, not enough’s happened to me to validate my emotions, emotions i shouldnt even be having because they make me even more impure than i already am, i am nothing but my mental illness which makes me completely inadequate and imperfect, i am imperfect i am the worst, nothing matters about me over than my imperfections

i genuinely cant live when im this disgusting person, i dont WANT to live as this person but that person is me and it doesnt matter how many times i evolve and change because im STILL ME. and ill always hate me, doesnt matter how much she changes because shes still Mae and i hate her and always have hated her. and i seriously cannot live as her anymore because shes not pure or perfect or pretty or nice or anything, shes loud and abrasive and bitter and a solid 3/10 in photos, and even IF she were pretty her personality fucking ruins that, and i cant live like this, always attached to mae, always her, i will always be her and thatll only change when she and i have died

[midnighteloquence]

hmwwkkeksi

how do i even start this??? its just a realisation ive had for a while and need to express

when it comes to me as a person, i am both extremely dependent and extremely self loathing, which really isnt a good mix. idk what this stems from, and im mainly gonna be talking about the dependency thing because thats what sparked the entire train of thought. i feel like i cannot spend a second apart from people i love like it genuinely tears me apart and whenever i start liking a person to an extreme degree all my emotions depend on theirs like i as soon as theyre feeling terrible i immediately feel terrible and i know this isnt just empathy because my emotions get so extreme and evolve from depending on theirs to me actually being upset.

like the extent of my dependency on whoever i love at the moment goes so far i feel so out of place when im not with them and i can basically only think of that person

and the self loathing aspect that plays into it sucks because it makes me feel like the worst person ever for being so dependent and it makes me want to end all my friendships and because of how terrible of a person i think i am but the dependence in me is telling me that if im not around the ppl i love at all times and im no longer friends with them i will be nothing and i will eventually get worse and kms. like the dependency thing is so strong that it feels like i cant live without my fav person but the self loathing in me tells me that i am such an awful person that without me everyones mental health would be ten times better.

and the problem is that i believe both of these, and my dependency is yet another reason to ask for people to stop being with me because ill just form multiple codependent relationships and with my mental state itll just ruin the other person terribly, my mental state is yet ANOTHER reason to ask ppl to stop being my friend because itll just ruin and infect everyone around me. the dependency is my reason to stop being around and plaguing people with my presence, but also my reason as to why i havent started that conversation yet.

like for a good solid couple hours ill think to myself “okay youre gonna ask everyone to stop being your friend because A. youre a terrible person B. youre incredibly dependent on your favourite people’s emotions and literally only spend your time with your fav person because of said dependency and C. with your mental health, youre just gonna ruin people” and then ill think “nononono i dont want that i cant love without them nonononono”

it sucks it sucks im a terrible person i hate it i will only ruin others (related to that i make jokes about B saying “she ruins A!!!!” but thought for too long and thought what if its true and you dont know it, what if i actually did ruin something perfectly good)

i believe myself to be a terrible person but i also cannot live without my favourite people, but i feel so guilty that im making them spend their time with ME of all people, me as the horrible “factory defect” i am, the terrible human being i am, the petty attention seeking person i am, the bitter, annoying, loud, spiteful, disgusting, ugly, stupid, terrible person i am, and yet despite all of that im selfish enough to force people to hang out with me

i despise it and i despise myself, and i wish i could stop being so dependent on everyone i start to love and learn to love people normally

[midnighteloquence]

a

ngl im hesitating posting this but its been at the forefront of my mind for all of today and i need to talk about

okay i dont wanna especially talk about maths p2 because i have no solid proof for any of it but the way friend b and c were talking about some “eloise” was genuinely a bit too close to home. and i 100% could be “if the shoe fits” BUT IT DOES, EVEN IF THEY WERENT TALKING ABOUT IT ME THE SHOE FITS WAY TOO NICELY FOR IT TO NOT BE ME. like tf do you mean about “shes actually not even that funny and that giggle she does yk the one” and “she complains about being with only one person like go with other people” AND “youre not different youre just a teenage girl with hormones” (which especially hurt bcs wdym you cant see through my mind and tell me what im feeling) and others and especially since beforehand they were talking about ME and me drinking c’s monster

ive already been overthinking a bunch when it comes to those two and whether they like me or not so that made me incredibly anxious (like the worst anxiety ive felt in a while, heart racing, nausea, restlessness, etc) and i cant even say definitely that they were talking about me

anyways next period is where i notice more things ESPECIALLY okay at some point c pulls up their ocs and this particular oc who’s based off of byakuya togami and c was trying to make b guess who it was by saying “someone you know likes this character!!” and then he said smth like “a person you love veeeryy much! Oh well not anymore but” which haha i am RIGHT THERE! which actually killed me because considering that with the way B still talks willingly to me it was like what??? i thought we were making progress??? i was really pissed off ngl because c has the audacity to speak to me normally again as if he didnt just shittalk me (and C too tbh) (and is it shittalk if theyre accurately describing me?)

and also i was taking personality tests and as soon as i said smth like “oh it shouldnt say suicide on my school computer” c turned to b and said quietly “i have some thoughts”

and its fine if people dislike me although it hurts a bit but what really gets me is that nobody’s telling me what i did??? like why are you talking shit about me infront of me instead of addressing the problem, and if you said way earlier that you disliked me then we wouldve wasted less of each other’s time. AND do you think im stupid??? that im all of a sudden deaf and cant hear what you say???? or that i dont think your status posts are of me???? why do you think im stupid??? like especially on the status post thing bcs if youre gonna post about me on a status i can see and then think i dont think that you dont like me pains me because i am not oblivious and i see these things

anyways ive just needed to say this because its been on my mind all day and i need to get it out. ill definitely talk to both of them about it because its just messy and i wanna know the full thing and i wanna have yk some ACTUAL closure (something my friendgroup doesnt know how to give /lh) but its just something thats made me incredibly anxious today and i needed to get it out

[midnighteloquence]

rant ig???? i just started typing and too many words came out to go on my main vent (not obliged to read)

i hate when people find me pretty because theres no way you find me pretty in anything other than some good photos of me. sure i post my face everywhere but in an hour or so i’ll see the same photo i posted and think “i dont look like a real person”. that smile isnt my smile because its there for an ingenuine split second. i will never always look like that. my facial expressions are varied and i cant even see all of them. whenever im in my room on my phone thats me, with a face i cannot see or even fathom. i cannot control how my face contorts all the time. i hate videos of myself because im never still and have 50 facial expressions per minute. when i see myself laughing on video i recoil because why do i look like that, why must i look like that when i laugh 20 billion times a day. when i sit bored in class that is still me, that person in the photo will always be me no matter of what condition i am in. im only pretty in photos because i cannot fathom me looking nice doing anything

i hate everything there is to do with my personality and i dont understand how anyone can put up with it. im too much to be considered a human being. sure i evolve all the time and change and grow as a person but im still me at the end of the day and i still hate myself. whenever i think of the flaws that people i dislike have, no matter what i will always see them in myself. i have a person that me (and everyone included) dislike because they make vulgar jokes despite their age but dont i do that? how can you put up with me but hate them? and i tell myself that theres a hierarchy in my friend group which i fucking hate but i dont even think i should be in this friend group. i am a disgusting human being, personality wise, i dont know how people put up with my whining, and my loud voice, and my constant attention seeking, and my whining why am i constantly whining and crying. i get distant when i sense people dont want me even if they dont explicitly say so i know they dont. im so fucking insecure im like an insecure boyfriend and i project those insecurities onto others and yet people still PUT UP WITH ME. people dont need to spare my feelings with this let me go stop being friends with such a terrible person. everyone ik has dropped bad people before, so why cant they drop me? write me a paragraph of all my wrong doings that i know ive done and tell me to get lost and i will. my feelings dont matter and the worst ill do is cry

my looks change every day. im not pretty without makeup on, im not fat but im definitely not skinny. i change my clothing styles constantly because i dont know who i am. people say im pretty and yet i dont believe it. i dont believe any compliment im given because it cant be true, why would i deserve any of that? i get shocked whenever im given praise or someone perceives me because out of everyone you chose me? whenever people say theyre thinking of me i get shocked because what is there to think about? whenever my art or writing is complimented, or even my academics im shocked because seriously? me? why??? theres so many people worthy of praise, so many people who are a billion times better and prettier and deserving, but you waste your words and energy on me? and this goes to show how fucking insecure i am and how self loathing i am. i dont understand how self loathing i really am until someone brings it up. and then im shocked too because how do people notice my mental state and actually bring it up? what do you mean you acknowledge what state im in? what do you mean i actually see myself like this and you know that? i publicise everything and yet still wonder that

my feelings arent my own and idk why i feel that way. but every time someone posts about a feeling of theirs that i can relate to all im thinking is “i stole that feeling from you and i dont truly feel it”. i dont feel like my own person, this body isnt mine, this mind torments me, my soul wishes for an escape. i dont want to die because i cannot fathom a life without life. i dont stay living because i see a hope, because i know deep down (and upfront) that i will always feel this way, even if it feels like im healing ill never truly heal. ive been feeling this way for 4 years and it only intensifies the longer i go on, but i wont die because im afraid. i wouldnt say im too lazy to because i could easily have myself out of this world in a couple hours, im just a coward, and being so much of a coward that i dont want to bring myself death is so stupid

i will never be more than my depression, i will never be more than my body image or my insecurities. compared to the way i feel me as a person is nothing. my emotions and mentality suffocate that person, she is nothing without them. she is nothing when she is happy, or when she “likes” her body, or when shes having a good time because they never last and will never truly be her. i am not happy, thats final, and when i am it isnt me. my body image will always suck because that is who i am, i will always be a girl who hates how she looks no matter how she looks. i hated my body when i was skinny, i hate my body now, whenever theres a momentary lapse of loving for my body it dissipates in a week or even an hour. thats just not who i am, and thatll never be who i am. i might evolve constantly but that’ll never be me, i will never evolve into a person who feels happy more times than she feels like killing herself

[midnighteloquence]

so much to say

i think i originally had one thing to talk about but then was reminded of something that has been plaguing my mind for months so i will talk about that too

and hey there might be another topic if i can think of something that was in mind but for now its only two

First topic: me wondering if what had happened was lovebombing or if im watering down a term!

okay ORIGINALLY i was thinking this with mario and then thought too hard but ill get to that later. this is a thought ive had for a month or so but i was wondering how possible it was that mario was lovebombing me during our friendship. because lovebombing (essentially) is almost always followed with devaluing and discarding (getting this off of google). ive said this thousands of times but he’d go from nice to distant in a span of weeks, trust me he did this at least thrice in the summer holidays. i remember vividly because this one time he was texting me all smiley and being like “omg send me a picture of you i wanna see you!!!” and then calling me pretty over and over again, sending me pictures of hand hearts and i remember thinking to myself “i love him with all my heart and he must love me too”. and then a week later him becoming really distant and annoyed at me and that hit me way harder than it usually did (which was pretty hard) and i remember crying so hard because i felt like i did something wrong to ruin our friendship and ruin any chance i had with him. then when i avoided him (while he was distant with me) to stop bothering him he got upset at that too because he didnt know why i was avoiding him since nothing had happened. and then hed be nice again and id ‘fall in love’ all over again. i have no idea why i didnt speak up about any of it because i dont think who was essentially the loml at that moment shouldve been making me cry every other week. and after i had unfriended him i saw a tiktok (shouldnt be siting my sources on tiktok) about lovebombing and wondered if thats what happened to me. im not 100% sure because i dont want to use terms that could potentially be watered down but it seems so accurate to what had happened.

yk at the start of that paragraph i mentioned that i was originally thinking about mario? yeah i thought also about c because i was looking back at our texts from a little under a year ago, where he was all “KSJDJKSKSJDJ ILYSM YOURE MY FAVOURITE PERSON ME AND YOU FRFR!!!” and not even a week later started disliking me and shittalking me. and i can show the dms because i ss them a week ago

yeah this was a month before he started hating me for that short period of time

which brings me to my next topic (this is a topic i decided just now rather than beforehand)

Second topic: why the heck (hell) did i let that slide

more c talk!! we havent done that in actually i did a week or so ago nvm anyways rereading our old texts reminded me of a lot of shit

okay back in that time period that we were frequently texting on tiktok was when he and i (and lets face it majority of others too) were mentally ill (i say were as in that was the worst depressive episode of my life and ik he wasnt doing well at all) and just looking back at it why did i take all of that mistreatment? because i had made it clear to c that i was emotionally and mentally exhausted and i will not respond to his favour and i will be distant because im extremely tired and for a time he was like “oh dw dude its fine” until after i sent a huge block of an apology because he was shittalking me and im gonna be honest being a shitty person and a shitty ‘friend’ and thats when he was like “oh i know youve said youre tired but you could still put in the effort because it feels like im the one starting the one sided dry conversations we have” which first of all wasnt true, i was the one starting the conversations, second off i had made it clear multiple times that i was emotionally exhausted and wont respond in a way he likes and he gets pissed when thats proven true, and thirdly its almost directly disregarding my mental health just to suit your needs?? and being told to put in the effort when i was trying to put in the effort to not end my life isnt exactly a nice thing to hear. and the way he worded all of this made it seem like he was blaming me but also saying i didnt need to apologise like he said stuff like “you really didnt need to apologise and i dont blame you or your mental health but you could still try to put in the effort 🩷🩷” (and he did actually out a bunch of hearts presumably to seem less harsh) and i am convinced that if i was any more mentally stable i wouldnt have taken all of that and if i was any more mentally UNstable i wouldve ended my life

nothing much there, just me reflecting and wondering why i let myself be treated like that

and finally!!

Third topic: am i assuming things or do they dislike me?

this isnt meant to change your opinion on anyone as i never wanted it to but this is something that has been burning in my mind for months and its about time i talked about it but im pretty sure friend b either dislikes me or doesnt like me as much as they used to. because ive noticed that id post something and a couple minutes later shed post something negative about “some girl she knows” which of course that could be anyone but it makes me feel odd. and ive noticed that we’ve been talking significantly less, like off the top of my head today in science p5 C wasnt there and we had barely talked unless i had initiated conversation. and this isnt even the only example of this, in the mornings they dont talk at all when only im there, but when anyone else comes over she talks to them. i tried making a joke once (i thought it was an obvious joke) but she didnt take it as such and gave me an odd look. and idk whenever i say something weird she seems so weird about it when theyre weird too (/pos btw not negatively). tracing back to the status thing of course it could 100% be a “if the shoe fits” situation but i seriously cannot see what ive done?? and if i have done somethign then id really want to know so i can apologise and take accountability because what if i still do it and im making them dislike me more because im unaware and i love them so much so it crushes me that we arent as close as we used to be. of course this is no shade to her she is amazing and always has been but i just want to know if ive done anything wrong because these past couple months its felt like they dont like me and feel obliged to talk to me

i could go on a whole rant about being autistic rn but this is already lenghty enough and that could easily go in a full rant of its own rather than this which is multiple topics so maybe a different day!! bye bye

[midnighteloquence]

doesnt have to be read im just not feeling well

i wanna talk about how i dont like talking about my emotional/mental state without adding satire or funny photos because then it feels like im whining and complaining and then everyone has to read that and go “oh mae complains and complains about her issues all the time” and i sont want to burden anyone with my issues because nobody deserves or wants that and i dont like telling people im uncomfortable with them or what theyve done because im scared of hurting their feelings and i did yesterday because i was selfish enough to prioritise my happiness over anothers even if he was a piece of shit to me and others i feel like prioritising my peace over his happiness was such a shitty move he was so happy to see me again and i just ruined that what the FUCK is wrong with me everything is wrong with me and i feel like something’s always behind me ready to claw through me whenever i feel bad or i fuck up and every day is the same and i waste every day doing nothing productive i will never be happy or aatisfied of beneficial to myself or any others i am just a burden and i always have been since i was a child and i followed people around like a dog just for a taste of attention and i still do that today because i dont want them to leave me i am nothing without anyone and im too dependent i feel like whenever someone else is feeling shitty that seeps into me and corrupts me and makes me feel terribke help me and i cant complain because i wont allow myself to i dont need to annoy others by constantly talking about my racing mind and its self loathing thoughts and im gonna read through all of this and laugh at how cringe all the phrasing is and im trying to not care but ik rn im complaining and thats another burden and i just take up space whenever im anywhere all i can think of is how much space i take up (not weight talk thats not my main focus RIGHT NOW) im talking without breaks and i talk too much and never pay attention im failing english my used to be favourite subject and im definitely failing maths and science because i cant focus let me focus let me do things let me rot in my room i hate this its unbearable i feel terrible and i always have but i dont want to talk about it because im just a burden and i wont accept any form of help in any circumstance i dont need academic help i dont need it because i can help myself and i should be helping myself and i dont need my mental state to be recognised and i dont need people there for me because im there for myself to help myself i need nobody’s help but mine ahhahahshakkajeiskskkskskwkskksksksk

[midnighteloquence]

hekekelsuejekjsjd

bear in mind i think most of this will have been written while im freaking out (the “i think something’s gonna tear through my ribs” kinda freak out i get sometimes) so if my writings odd ignore that

im just gonna write about c till i run out of things to say

i hatehatehate c’s perception of me because it is so incredibly wrong and isnt at all who i am (well not at all but thats not me thats not all i am) and istg they do it on purpose??? half the tome in maths i’ll hear behind me “have you noticed that mae’s really awkward around a?” specifically to make me hear it and refute it its SICKENING that is not all i am and the other day i was walking with them and idk talking about how i confessed i guess??? idr but they were like “oh i feel like A just went along with it!! like you dont seem like the type of person-“ and like idr exactly what they said but they KNEW it was making them look bad which uh thanks for basically telling me im not crush worthy thats so sweet /s and also what the fuck is wrong with you to think that was okay to say?? like they said smth like “i feel like you said ‘hey i like you!’ and A was just like ‘oh okay sure’!!” KILL YOURSWLF

Sorry got carried away anyway they are such a huge hypocrite its almost funny except it really isnt it just pisses me off bcs when talking about i forgot the initial for them (you know who) most if not all of the stuff they listed are things they’ve done. “Theyre such a compulsive pathological liar!!” YOU bragged to me about being a pathological liar “they come back to people they’ve shit talked!!” YOU ARE LITERALLY TALKNG TO ME, WHO YOU’VE SHITTALKED, WHILE I WAS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU???? on that note you didnt even fucking apologise you just thought if you blamed it all on them itd be fine but no you activiely shittalked me while i was next to you, and showed our private tiktok messages (which at the time was me saying ‘hey dont kys i care for you’) and you still have yet to apologise?? like i didnt even like you when you did all that (+ the whole changed demeanour when i did or said literally anything) but i actually wanted to kms because of it and i was like genuinely the worst i had ever been, i went around sending a huge apology message to C, i texted that one person to ask what i could do to make myself a better person, etc. and i dont even get an apology??

not on the topic of C but i feel like (call me selfish) im owed a lot of apologies. Like today i confronted mario on stuff hes done wrong and he didnt apologise for any of it, and just tried to make him look like the victim, an ‘icarus’ to use his own words. when i had that huge fight with friend 1, and she did a bunch of not very cool stuff (send a photo of me in a bikini to a gc of 100+ people, call me a bitch and a rat among others) i didnt get any apology. C never apologised for anything he did, it was always me apologising for things. and when i pointed out something he did wrong (leave me out) he deflected and didnt apologise. i feel selfish for asking but i feel like i deserve a couple apologies

i sound so bitchy anyways

C is getting way too comfortable with me and i dont like it like no dont trace your finger up my thigh ewewewewww

i might add to this later but rn i cant think of anything so bye

[midnighteloquence]

shorter one but also holds truth

theres gotta be something wrong with me like why am i so needy but also distant. why am i both a liar and scared of people for lying. why do i apologise to people that did me wrong. why do i attach myself to people to the point of self harm, horrible overthinking, and intrusive thoughts. why is my mind so full but so empty. why am i such a bad person but everyone likes me. why dont people see how bad of a person i am before being my friend. why do i have to change so much just so people can like me. why do i apologise over and over again promising change to a person i dont even like? why doesnt he apologise to me too? why whenever i mention something he does wrong he brushes it off? why am i taking it? my mental health is plummeting and all i can do is watch and then write massive apology paragraphs hoping people will still like me

[midnighteloquence]

idk why i didnt post this here this is very lengthy (from half a year ago but some parts still hold truth)

i just

i dont know if theres any purpose of me living anymore. i actually cannot see a happy future for me.

it just feels like everything’s already been decided for me. to “go to prestigious school” and “study english” and “become a writer”. but do i even want to do that anymore? im not really sure. im not sure what part of me is “me” anymore. i dont think my name is me, my personality is me, my sexuality even. i genuinely dont think any part of me is actually me and not either what my parents want me to be or what the people around me want me to be.

and if my personality is not mine, what if its a good thing? if im actually a bad person inside, wouldnt it be better if i wasnt me? but im not sure if the personality i project myself with is better than me.

my looks are an iffy subject. sure everyone around me says positive things but what else are they supposed to say? that im actually ugly? youve gotta be a bitch to do that. but to be honest i dont care if my looks are nice to others because what good is that? the better you look the more creeps you attract

and who am i to think anyone would ever be attracted to me? even creepy old men. why am i so selfish? why am i so self centred?

ive been told multiple times by two people (person one multiple times, person two only once) about my bad habits as a friend but they and plenty of others still claim im a “good friend”. its sickening that you cant be truthful with me and say that im actually a bad friend because you know it and i know it. im cold and distant when i sense youre drifting away, i only ever talk about myself or my things of interest, i apologise and then fall back into old habits, im annoying, i copy mannerisms of people that arent good people in the first place. and you clarify all of this and still say you love me? no you dont. youre stupid for staying so long even though you know that im not a good person.

im just kind of tired of it all. im tired of the days blurring together. im tired of school and all my lessons. im tired of my friends. im tired of crying all the fucking time. im tired of my parents. im tired of my brother. im so tired of it all and i still have to live because everyone says i have to. why do i have to live anymore if im not even myself? why do i have to live anymore if im not the best i can be? why do i have to love anymore knowing im not going to amount to anything good?

on most days i feel nothing and on the bimonthly occasion i visit friends i feel happy. the rest of the days are just melancholic and contemplating relapsing. enjoy your teenage years but life seems to want me dead.

and everyone that’s done me wrong should have wrong done to them but somehow afterwards im still dragged through shit and they get to be happy. like their friends and succeed in school. get along with parents and go to parties. so why am i getting worse and worse

i cant wait for it all to end

[midnighteloquence]

eosinophils

this is a lot about body image and ill probably go extremely off topic at some point but whatever (i also talk about eds just warning)

a feeling ive realised is that in every point of my life i havent ever been truly satisfied with my body. when i was younger i was very skinny and im pretty sure i was underweight. and i always complained about how my ribcage would show etc. i got called a stick by some of my “friends” and i complained about that too. i hated being so thin and begged to be average weight. and when i weighed myself and found out i was average weight i was extremely happy.

for maybe a month, before getting really depressed. the way my depression works is that its rare i’ll be depressed in summer, but it’ll spike up at any other point of the year. for example, last year it was at its worst in spring. so when my depression decided to spike, my body dysmorphia formed again. (idk how to describe it other than that) i started fasting more often because i wasnt satisfied with my body. nobody could tell me otherwise that my body was fine because i didnt believe them.

then i think when my springtime depression cleared away i started convincing myself that i liked my body. and it sorta worked? like i didnt really care about comparing my body to others. but then it started to not work as well, and i started thinking things like “oh i love my body but her thighs are thinner than mine” and stuff like that.

sometimes i scroll on shblr for no reason in particular, and at some point early this year i went back to look at edblr. im not saying i have an ed rn because im not even sure what classifies as one, and if i have one. i calculated the calories my body would need every day to lose 1kg a week. but my problem is that even if ive never overpassed that limit i will still feel like im overeating?? so even if i can get pass a day without overeating, ill still skip meals just in case (ive been skipping lunch and giving a lot of my snacks to my friends so i dont waste food bcs i feel bad). and when i cant skip meals i go to the gym. and even if i have skipped meals ill still go so i can burn more calories and end my day with a very low calorie intake. a thing ive been doing recently is burning more calories that im intaking which probably isnt a good idea but i dont know any better

when i started doing this i told myself that id never go back to that place of my life again, but if im being real i think im even worse right now because if something like a drink is over 50 cal then ill simply not drink it. WHICH SHOULD BE FINE BECAUSE 50 CAL IS RLLY LOW. and idk who to talk to about this and i dont want to join a community because i myself dont believe this is an ed because idk what would define an ed.

a lot of people beforehand noted rhat i ate too much in school so now that ive stopped eating as much in front of them i wonder how they feel or if theyve even noticed

so in conclusion ive never been satisfied with my body, average or underweight. and everyone around me weighs less than me which i hate.

[midnighteloquence]

long overdrawn sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this is something that is extremely overdue and i hate to talk about it because this is a person that i really like (or used to i guess) but recently hes pissing me off so i got to thinking about stuff hes done and have decided to make a list! please use this to make judgements on him, thats what im gonna do since i still want to like him, ykwim?

im just gonna dive right into it ig… sigh

this is smth that made me feel soooo worthless and unworthy of love as it happened multiple times when i used to have a crush on him, but theres numerous times where he has gone from sweet and nice and smiley to literally so mean and avoidant. like one week he’ll be like “omg hii :)) wanna play roblox today?” and others it’ll seem like he genuinely hates me. and that really hurt me as it felt like i did something wrong and i didnt know what?? and whenever i asked what i did and asked if we’re still friends hed be like “wdym nothing happened”. if youre going to avoid me and be really fucking rude to me of course im gonna think something happened????? anyways i went on a tangent soz

terrible at communication. when you have to TELL him his flaws then he just deflects and sends memes and whatever. and then has the audacity to say IM bad at communication. at least id actually listen when being told what ive done wrong.

made a joke abt my depression (a couple times)

compared my mental state to his own because i “go out and draw”. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. all depressed people act differently. its like saying all depressed people are suicidal, no they arent. its like saying cutting is the only form of self harm, it isnt. there isnt one type of depression

when i told him about having been looked at in a swimming pool stall he jokingly said it was my fault for five minutes, before saying he was joking

the biggest manchild ive met. i thought it was C but then i found him. he will whine if you dont pay attention to everything he posts. and then points out people (🫵) that dont view everything he does

SO EGOTISTICAL. like please you arent all that

said “get better. because at least im trying” (not verbatim) which when you realise the context its so stupid. me saying characters are hot on my status isnt something i need to recover from. its fiction, it wont affect you, move on

at some point when he was going through another “im gonna avoid you and when im not avoiding you im gonna be mean to you” phase he has told me to stop being so ungrateful about my body (btw this was said when i was at an all time low and was extremely insecure about my body)

at some point i had asked to vent to him and said two things, and then a couple hours later he mocked me asking to vent to him (i had said “Can I vent to you?” and he said that exact same thing, just to say some stupid joke thing)

idk why but will always … me when i say smth about a character being hot?? like genuinely if youre tired of it then block me im not gonna change for you especially that (me liking fictional characters) bcs thats stupid

ANYTIME okay this is just a thing that peeves me but anytime i say something more than two words in a message he says “holy yap” STFU

dont act like you want me IF YOU DONT FUCKING WANT ME. DONT SAY ALL THAT SHIT, CALL ME PERFECT, SAY I CAN KISS YOU, ETC. IF YOU DONT WANT ME

this one time i was irritated (not at him specifically except i sorta was) and he was like “i will block you” as a threat (in a gc i think) and i said smth like “yeah sure if you dont wanna talk to me anymore block me its fine” and he was immediately so upset about it saying like “oh so you dont care?” like yeah i do im just saying if you dont wanna talk to me then dont ☠️

psychoanalysed my emotions and sent a video to me about crushes and how crushes are stupid and its just a brief infatuation, not love. and when i responded by saying “oh youre right it mustve been infatuation that i had because i really wanted to be in a relationship” he was immediately like “oh oh it makes me upset that you just used me as an outlet” no i didnt?? i didnt force anything upon you, never forced you to like me back, didnt even tell you i liked you till a couple months after i started liking you. i didnt use you as an outlet, i had just grown infatuated to you

called me deprived because i like fictional characters, and yet this entire list proves why i like characters more than actual men

every time i like a character he says im glazing when IM NOT. i am looking into a person’s character and i will go out of my way to learn more about said character so i dont mischaracterise them. i can point out characters flaws. like byakuya, (was gonna point out a flaw but id be here for ages analysing byakuya instead of talking about the actual subject). if i was glazing them, i would say that they are without fault, and defend them for every action, which i dont do

soz im really defensive about that

idk anymore

i ran out but theres definitely a bunch more. a lot of these are things i shoved under the rug because i do truly want to like him and every time hed be nice to me again i felt like he was a good person at heart, and that i could trust him with my life. but recently i am sure as hell disliking him. i really dont want to dislike him but the way my brain works is i’ll know when i dislike someone when they either reference my hyperfixations or “copy me/my mannerisms” and my brain immediately reacts negatively. if someone i love does it im very happy and when someone i dislike does it im peeved.

i think that youd like to know more stuff hes done other than be a baby, since ive kept a lot of this to myself and made sure i forgot it

[midnighteloquence]

Alkalsk

this was never meant to be a rant but it got too long so here i am (very venty so dont have to read)

i dont know what to do to feel happy for majority of the time rather than for a couple hours. like im not sure anything really helps with the permanent sadness i feel. especially when thats accompanied with the anxiety that none of my friends like me and instead of addressing the problems, they keep quiet to keep me “happy”. but i never was happy. its amazing that im not cutting myself anymore and its amazing that im not conscious of what i eat (but actually screw that because every day i feel so guilty every time i pick up food, everyday i cant understand why i continue eating knowing my conscience is screaming at me to stop) but also how much of my self destructive tendencies have been gone? like im not doing the more known versions of self destruction and labelling myself as “recovered” when im not sure i am. im not rummaging through medicine cabinets, but i still desperately wish i was not here anymore. sure im not cutting myself because of how sad i am, but if im sobbing the morning before school because of the anguish i feel then how recovered am i? if i suppressed a meltdown because i stood with my friends but i felt like i didnt truly belong standing with them how recovered am i? am i still depressed even if im not as sad as i was?

and i feel like the problem stems with my friends and the way none of them are any good at communication and communicating problems, and also how like 70% of them lie their asses off, and also how much i overthink of whether they actually want me there

but i also think it’s because of school because i dread going into that building, to see the bitches that’ll laugh behind me in the corridors and say slurs they cant reclaim, to go to classes that id rather die than be in for an hour, its gotten so tiring but ik i have to stick around because its the fucking law and i know no other school would be any better

and the one that makes it worth it is leaving and nobody around me seems to care? ik it seems like i dont either but thats how i cope. for me and processing stuff like this, ignorance is bliss.

and i tell myself nothing lasts permanently, and i tell myself that both the past and the future are just different versions of the present and that the future will come soon and none of this will matter, but that makes me feel worse. is there any point in any of these feelings if i know full well i’ll feel better later? in a day? or a week? or even a year? but part of me wants the present to stay, despite me knowing how much the present moves. i hate this anguish i feel but also if i could stay in the present moment forever, that would be nice

but eternity and forever is my worst fear. im not scared of what comes after because i dont know what’ll come after, im scared because it lasts forever. what keeps me sane is that us as humans will always feel an infinite range of emotions, negative and positive. so if heaven exists and i get it, is it just eternal happiness? how can i keep sane if im just forever happy? and eternal nothing scares me too because what do i even feel if i feel nothing? do i think? how long can i think for before i have nothing else to think about? would i go insane then too?

which is why i like life so much because i know eventually it has an end. but thats such a paradox because i want life to last forever so i dont have to experience forever. i kinda wish that we have next lives so i can do this all again and dont have to stay put somewhere as the same person forever. because a unique experience is what would make it worth it

went off topic lol

[midnighteloquence]

that feeling when

knee surgery will never appear

okay so this is a topic that ive been thinking about for a while and so im gonna talk about it

i need my ENTIRE FRIENDGROUP to be reminded of how old they are. like we are like 13, two are 14, and one (whos kinda the subject of this rant??) is 12. so i dont know why these people are talking OPENLY about porn addictions and massaging boobs. like??? and if its just sex jokes i can understand since we’re all immature and teenagers so of course we’re gonna make those typa jokes but when people are being serious thats when i get iffy about it.

like this monday C was talking to D about how his relationship with a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD is fine since theyre both consenting. NO YOU ARENT????? call me a party pooper but you arent at the legal age of consent yet and that is a person who can literally fuck anyone 16 and above. NOTHING IS CONSENSUAL THERE. and also like a couple months ago C was talking about a “hypothetical” situation where he got really close to doing something with his gf. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS WAS SAID IN A SCHOOL BUS. just. ew what the fuck ew.

okay subject sorta of the rant! a person i’ll callllllllll mini (i know). now i think this shit started like a couple months ago where they said they needed advice and that they were gonna make out with someone which first off youre twelve. thats not the point they said somwthing about how they massage that person’s boobs which first off TMI????????? second off YOURE TWELVE?????????? like literally live your childhood dont try and ruin it with gooner type shi. they also asked if they should cut a shirt to have a boob window which once again youre a twelve year old. (also girlie what titties /lh) and then they said something about being called a “horny bitch” and then saying that its true IN A GROUPCHAT. a groupchat with people two years older than you. like what???? please can you actually take precautions when talking to older people (even if its by a year or two) like what??? and then spouted this bs about starting puberty at 6 which from what theyve described isnt even puberty???

and ik it seems weird to talk about this considering i make a lot of sex jokes but at least im not actively trying to get some at 14??? atleast im not massaging titties and saying im a horny bitch at 14??? atleast i dont have a porn addiction (maybe shouldnt say this since addiction is just an unlucky thing that happens)

it just makes me uncomfy (coming from a person who makes a bunch of sex jokes)

okay thats it i think bye

[midnighteloquence]

ugh

i always feel horrible whenever people feel bad for me and i dont mean it at all like “you dont have to care for me…” i mean it in a way that i dont see anything that has ‘happened’ to me as that bad. like i look at all my friends, they’ll have been through abuse, sa, substance use, self harm, eds, neglect, but whats happened to me? both of us can be suffering but is my suffering truly valid if i havent been through terrible things like assault? is it truly worth cvtting myself just as much as people around me if ive gone through nothing compared to them?

like sure i was looked at when i was 11, or ive been anxious about the people around me, or i was left out of a friend group, is it that bad? did i seriously fall into a deep depression in 2021 because of that? how weak do i have to be?? like today c said smth like “oh your past” after i said that i joked about hating my life but it felt weird because my past isnt bad enough to want to die. and they dont even know my past. i hate saying “my past” because it makes it seem like something horrible happened, when in reality nothing much happened. so i dont know why i still feel like shit??? im still depressed despite knowing everyone and their mother has gone through worse. i havent even dipped my toes into hell and all the people around me have been shoved into it. and yet i still cry and thrash around, and almost relapse or OD or scratch and bite myself over what??????? absolutely nothing. ive fully convinced myself it was nothing to cry about, and theres people out there going through genocide, going through assault and abuse and im here crying and whining because “oh so and so doesnt like me! Wahh!!”

i just feel like whenever people talk about “my past” that, they shouldnt actually. because it isnt something to worry about, it isnt terrible, i havent gone through war or gone to an asylum.

(ik its short i js have nothing else to say)

[midnighteloquence]

tjrjeiskdk

surprise attack! (just wanna spew out words and emotions and hope it makes sense)

i feel like an alien. like, i genuinely feel foreign compared to others, compared to my classmates, my family, my own friends. that feeling of not belonging has resided in me for years and resurfaces a lot. and with neurodivergent people, even if im nd like them i still feel like i shouldnt be there, like no one truly gets me. i feel more complex than a human should be.

and theres so many times where i wish i could be human. i wouldnt have to feel like im uninvited everywhere i go, that nobody really likes whatever comes out of my mouth. i wish i couldve been born normal, because i think id be happier if i was neurotypical.

anyways! thats the nd life for ya! i always feel like i should shut my mouth about facts no one really cares about!

im recovering, i think. im not sure how recovered i am. because when i think about it, im still suffering mentally. im just not taking it out on myself like i used to. i can sober up and get clean as much as i like, reach as many milestones as i can, but ill never feel happy. my mind will never truly rest. ill always cry and sob and beg that i die in my sleep. thats not recovery, just because im not self destructing doesnt mean ive recovered

i feel so tired and i dont know how to feel energised. im bored of life and fill it with meaningless special interests and fanfics. i find myself just hating so many people. i hate this so much

the years have come and go and yet i still feel like id feel better if i was nothing. ive been feeling this way for three years now, ive grown tired of this suicidal ideation, of the seasonal depression, of feeling so left out despite having so many friends

im surprised people havent left me yet, because usually when people really like me itll take a little bit before they hate me. at this point im counting the days till i have to eat lunch in the bathrooms.

theres so much in life that i wanna do but i see none of it ever happening. i dont take school seriously, infact i hate it. im gifted but its slowly declining as things get harder to understand. i dont even have a plan b

whatever bye

Makoto is the rizzler

[midnighteloquence]

harpsichordist

not a rant but bullet points offfffff…

the little things they did that piss me off!

thats right! this isnt a full blown rant or anything but just little things they did that pissed me off

will continuously nag you to do something despite you saying no MULTIPLE TIMES (not even just with me ive seen it with other people)

thinks theyre a god snd its plain to see

+ somehow also has a inferiority complex???

this one “bitchy chav” voice they do

called mario a monkey over text on my phone!

knew i knew they knew my notes password (which combined with the fact they used to take my phone a lot, fucking scary)

called my friend chubby while we were talking about them (this is my least favourite one! I hope you fucking die kill yourself kys kys kys kys kys kys kys fuck you and kill yourself while i watch)

calls people out on their flaws (when theyll have THE SAME EXACT FLAWS…)

was talking to me about gender presentation and how they felt it was icky when people with he/him in their bios wear miniskirts (WHAT… gender ≠ gender presentation ≠ pronouns! you can have whatever gender you want while presenting yourself however you want with whatever pronouns you want! Hope this helps <3)

moaned in my ear multiple times and when i told them to stop they continued!

played male whimpering audios in my ear and said i could pretend it was my crush (i want to see you get run over)

“see guys im a genius” …

was so quick to assume that i was suicidal

+ not only me but also B and (i think) A!

steals and lies all the time all the fucking time and thinks its edgy and funny when its not stop lying about the fact you stole this girls pen

claims to know so much about one of my interests but knows NOTHING

“literally dude” ahah thats so cool repeat everything i just said

sooooo entitled

when we went out (with some of my other friends too) took a magnifying and jokingly stared at my tits for 2 minutes (i was wearing a tight shirt that day)

istg i might be paranoid but they glanced at my tits in pe a couple times while we were changing

there might be more if so ill update

bye bye!

[midnighteloquence]

den

…

im gonna kms

this hasnt been saved

for the THIRD FUCKING TIME

okay lets do it again i guess fucking bitch i had such good writing in here

heres my code names up to date i guess 🙄

(leaving A out til the end :3)

Friend B: i will never have anything negative to say about her. shes literally in the top three list of people i love. shes the reason im still here. shes my day oner frfr. im so glad she pointed out my bag that one day two years ago, because idk where i’d be if i wasnt her friend. being friends with her has brought me so many other people, so much of my personal development, and in general shes just amazing. not to mention shes so pretty. she makes school actually bearable. in the morning i’ll be pissed off about waking up and she’ll pick a crane fly off the wall or smth and my mood is immediately lifted. i love her with my whole heart

Friend C: oh boy where do i start

the main subject of this rant blog. every other rant on this blog is about him. i will admit that there was a time i liked him. but that was before we even knew each other. it all started going wrong when we became friends.

i admired them because in my eyes they seemed cool. we shared similar “alternative” interests, and they had so many stories to share. but now? i wish i could stop myself from being their friend. i hate their guts, i admit that, but maybe theres a different universe out there where i could like them. where they didnt hug me non consensually, or verbally attacked me as a “joke” (because of how much they love me 🥺), or made sexual jokes about me, or would ask repeatedly for things instead of accepting i said no, or lied pathologically, or did anything of the sort. but thats not this universe, and so in this one i can have and express that i dont like them and theyre a terrible human being. i hope you burn, but i also used to like you.

got melodramatic there whoopsies

Friend D: i admired them alongside C. ironic how admiring people from afar caused them to be terrible people. i hadnt noticed D’s red flags until a couple weeks ago, where i was properly educated, and now im pissed off. theyre scum to me. not in degrading way, theyre a genuine terrible human being. which is such a pity since they seemed like such a reasonable person. did not seem like the typa person to do these typa things (i have a rant here explaining). oh well, ill live. i barely talked to them anyways. theyll stick to thinking theyre not the problem, and ill stick to ranting about them in my tumblr posts.

Friend E: blast from the past wowoowowowowowiw

i was close to them like last year summer, but dropped them ages ago this year. i had my reasons, and obviously made sure that i told them my reasons instead of just leaving because i knew that was the right thing. tbh? idr what half of those reasons were. im sure most were reasonable, but also i was extremely petty back then. nowadays i dont rlly care for them. im neutral. like if they chatted to me i would be fine with it and chat back, but i dont wanna be their friend. and its fine because they understand that and dont wanna be mine either. its the first breakup (friend breakup) ive had that ends with communication instead of leaving on read.

Friend F: yippee some positive sprinkle in yo life! i dont talk to her often but shes so cool and admirable as a human being and generally really bubbly and fun. shes the reason i ever found out im autistic! which thank you for that. they dropped D for their mental health and that’s soooo admirable and respectable of them. i admire them from afar and wish we talked more. even if we arent in the same friend group anymore, i still think theyre neat!

And finally…

Friend A: a bitch /j

okay okay for serious they are the reason im alive. im not exaggerating when i say you saved me. youre an actual angel (if not a wholeass goddess) sorry im dumping a “if not for you id be dead!” thing whoops. NEWays she makes my life and school life so much better and is so entertaining to talk to. not to mention pretty like??? im going to actually confess here and now that there were a couple times i needed you to repeat what you said because all i was thinking about is “how can someone be this pretty?” /gen /ily /p

bulleting holes- points because you did so >:3

the most creative mf on the planet when it comes to plotlines, lore, character designs. AND THEN YOU STILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE MORE PLOTLINES AND CHARACTERS???? insane dude

your make actual schedules which is maddening considering i cant even think of what im having for dinner

pretty…

hilarious because why you got me giggling and kicking my feet at your texts

CAN SOMEHOW PUT UP WITH ME YAPPING

super duper duper passionate about interests >:3

distance

science is so boring without you come back…

your remarks are so funny man like genuinely how do you come up with stuff like that on the spot

i lovevevevvrvevevevvevevvevec your clothing style ahhhh im gonna steal your clothes

i love you

thats a bullet point

ily man never forget 🤙

I think thats it! (i excluded mario, friend 1 & 2 because cba)

bye bye if tumblr doesnt save this im loading a glock