milkspoilt - Tumblr blog

[milkspoilt]

poem: unentitled

written about no one and everyone in particular, i can't help but yearn for who to meet but i have already met them. like religion i lose faith and wobble..

[milkspoilt]

i think i want to be a poet.. is that so bad?

[milkspoilt]

an excerpt from my blog, on finding something close to religion through devotion:

The theme ritual and commemoration really resonates with me particularly in the aspect of love and devotion; I have always found myself having an estranged relationship with a higher being or God himself.. I was christened when I was younger and sometimes find solace in that fact even if it doesn't fit who I am. I was quite a lonely child growing up and found myself talking to God often on my knees at my landing window, maybe I spoke to whoever was up there in a sense to comfort myself or out of wonder, but I did speak to whoever listened, finding signs I was heard and stars shinning brighter than the rest when I wished upon them. But when my grandmother died I turned quite cold towards a God I once seeked comfort from -now had taken away a love in my life, someone who called me her angel was now one of his, how could this be? And so I grew up to be a child in a teenager's body who had a lot of resentment in her heart for a God she once spoke to with loneliness.. she now ignored or spoke to with hate. This continued as I grew up, to hate was a lot easier to do than try to understand. God remained someone I would loathe.. I would not turn to or acknowledge him until as I grew up realised I would call out for him on special occasions.. I found myself dumbfounded but still.. I would turn to God when I was in love; to ask for a prayer or to keep me in his sights, to send me a sign or listen to me.. but still I would treat him as if everything we had been through together was reversible -that is what he preaches isn't it.. forgiveness? And so I used this to my advantage, only when love was involved would I pray or wish for it to continue.. and as soon as it ended I would curse him again. I am a simple girl I suppose. Maybe greedy or selfish or head in the clouds or hopeful..

I don't know why I resort to a higher being when I feel feelings.. maybe because they are felt so deeply only a religious figure would understand me? Only those who devote their life to a God they've never met or touched, would know how I feel? Maybe praying countless times a day unanswered or keeping people in your prayers is similar to how I act when in love. Intensely, deeply, unfathomably, religiously. Maybe it is all these things.

And so that leads me here.. What I would like to explore is almost my relationship with God when in love or devoted to another. I think this is quite an interesting take on the brief, maybe it's quite literal but I do believe when I love it feels almost like a religious action. I can't half throw myself into things, I need to be consumed and engulfed by them completely. They need to swallow me.

[milkspoilt]

writing about the god who betrayed me at 7 years old

[milkspoilt]

maybe i am a half empty girl

[milkspoilt]

an excerpt from my notesapp:

[milkspoilt]

sometimes i think my mother is the only one who chooses me after all this time.. after all the let down, the fear, the patterns, the anger, what is left.. she tries to pick it up and it melts through her fingers and i am sorry for that.

[milkspoilt]

everyday i think about taking my jewellery out.. i will become me again. i never got it to be me in the first place. i got it to remember her.. and now i think i will wear it longer than i've known her.. and i don't think i can live with that. so i will take my jewellery out and pretend i never wore it.

[milkspoilt]

an excerpt from my notesapp..

[milkspoilt]

I wish I could melt away

[milkspoilt]

my piece on 'girlhood'

text: If you could never touch me, would you still love me?

there will be a day when i put on my clothes and never take them off for you again,

and i will not know why or when but it will happen.

maybe i'll be young or maybe i'll be old,

but would you love me anyway?

[milkspoilt]

i'm weird about sex & food & crying & physical  affection & existing publicly in a body & being a sister & animal shelters & coffee stained hands & songs on the radio & sand on my skin & my hair & bus rides & avoidance & reading in public & drinking enough water & picking my nails & showing my mother love & hugging my dad & staying the night & packing bags & the elderly & brushing my teeth & applying suncream & having a routine & applying to jobs & raising my voice & first kisses & staring up at the moon & wishing on stars & believing what people tell me to be true & lying & mirrors & drying my hair & lying in bed & wakening up & politics & team work & small talk & falling in love & commitment & caring too much & having shakey hands & hands on me & introducing parents to lovers & watching you sleep & whispering secrets & wearing a uniform & wearing the same jewellery & dipping my feet into the sea & kareoke & getting enough nutrients & petting stray cats & being the new person & eye contact & leaving & change & the leaves changing colour & saying goodbye & saying i love you & hearing people love me & eating red meat & imaging my future & reminiscing the past & remembering & malnourished dogs & compliments & grief & old jobs & being known & feeling forgotten & busy train rides & maintaining old habits & my grandmother's passing & the mortality of everyone i know & meeting new people & getting my hopes up & saying sorry & religion & anger & disbelief & pretending & expressing my emotions & my laugh & reading my poetry & vulnerability..

[milkspoilt]

my poem entitled: my heart

[milkspoilt]

my love is so big it's another being.

[milkspoilt]

i wrote a poem about how i need my heart ripped out of me because i know no other way to live than with love in my heart

[milkspoilt]

Everytime I comb through my notesapp.. I am caught off guard with how much of a literacy genius I am.. I feel with my whole heart and nothing less! I express and portray and delve into! I am a poet! Do you hear me? I am a poet who's name will be known if not by every girl in love, than by the stray cats in the village!

[milkspoilt]

spread my ashes in your room