milski

[milski]

Not suicidal

Every just have a day, week, month or even year, where you just hope that some horrible accident happens to you. That you die from a bookshelf falling on your head (I have one above my bed), the bus accidentally swerved and hit you, you slip and fall in a way that would kill you, that someone sped through the traffic light and didn’t see you were crossing.. so many ways to die from accidents.. but just a small part of you wishes this could happen.. I’m so depressed, I have compulsive thoughts of selfharm and suicide.. but I know the pain just gets transferred and the guilt.. I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that.. so I just imagine accidents that could kill me, yearning for them, but they never happen. It’s so messed up, but it’s comforting.. it’s a way for me to imagine ending it without giving anyone guilt, including myself. I feel too guilty about committing suicide, but if it happened as an accident, they I didn’t do anything wrong.. but for my brain to accept that I don’t have any guilt, it truly has to be an accident.. and it’s highly unlikely.. I just wish someone could make my suffering stop.. I’m so tired, I wake up around 2-5 times a night from nightmares, I have hysteria and panicattacks usually from flashbacks to just normal memories of things.. I feel drained and hopeless and just all around exhausted.. I don’t have any hope I can grab onto right now.. so I’m just left with trying to avoid bothering others with how depressed I am. I hate life right now. I know it can change, it just doesn’t do much to help me right now..

[milski]

Long story

When I was 14 years old, I experienced a teacher touching me inappropriatly and he made me touch him aswell. I kept this to myself for some months, I then attempted suicide. My mother did not believe that I actually took the pills that I said I did, despite having been put into the hospital to have them pumped out of my stomach. My father came, I told him I was raped. I did not have a proper understanding of what the difference between rape and molestation was. He got me to tell him the whole story, and got angry that I had lied. (I always had an infatuation with older men giving me attention, and my father would get angry with me for smiling at older men) He then told me that I had probably brought it on myself, with all the flirting I do with older men. He told me in graphic detail how, if I had been raped, the man would have penetrated my asshole, ripping it open and causing me to bleed and be in so much pain. He told me that I would be traumatized and that I was a horrible person for lying about rape and that I was a horrible person for attempting suicide. 

After many years of my dad being cruel to me (calling me fat, even though I had an eating disorder and was underweight, saying I would never amount to anything other than his servant and that I was a slut) I finally turned 18, I decided to explore the kink world. I had heard many great things from friends who were in the bdsm world, that women were treated like queens and were well respected. 

One day, a friend asked if I wanted to go to a swingerclub with him, because it was cheaper if he had a companion with him. I said yes, because I was curious and also because it seemed like a fun idea. I had a glas of cola, I left my glass on the table inside and went into the outdoor jacuzzi. After a while I went back inside to finish my cola and I started talking to a guy who was sitting next to me. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs with him, there was a massage room and he could give me a massage. I thought he seemed nice and i was attracted to him so I said yes and went with him. After a little while, I started to feel queezy and sick and dizzy. I thought I was just very nervous, because it was all very new to me. I was faced down, with my face squished into the hole in the massage table. The guy was still massaging my back, when I heard the door open. Then I saw some feet coming towards the table, and then another pair and another and so on.. suddenly there were 8 guys, all around my body, touching me. I tried to lift myself up but my limbs felt weird, like they were numb but I could still feel them touching them. I then tried telling them to stop, because it was too much for me, and my speech came out very slurred. They were talking to eachother in an arabic sounding language. Then they lifted my body and turned me around and I finally realized that I was not okay, my head was flopping, my eyes could be kept straight, they just rolled around my head and i couldnt figure out why I felt like this. They then lifted me and carried me into the room next door, it had a big circular bed on the floor and a bowl of condoms next to it. I don’t remember if they used any.. at this point it get very graphic, I’m not sure how much I can handle writing down. 

I remember then taking the rest of my clothes of, rough enough to hurt me. Then two of them lifted my limp arms and put my hands around their penises and just rubbed them with my hands. another three were fighting about whose penis goes in my mouth, they kept grabbing my head and turning it towards their penis and they would squeeze my jaw until i opened my mouth and they would just use my head like a fleshlight, with no regard for me breathing. The rest took turns on my vagina and asshole. At some point, I gave up and just cried. I was helpless and I couldnt scream or shout, I could barely breathe and it hurt so much. I wished and begged to god that it would just stop and be over. It lasted about an hour, nonstop. By the time it had ended, I had lost everything. I was 18 years old, I had been proud that I was putting on some weight and looking more like a normal person, I loved myself, my body and everything about myself. I was happy. And they took EVERY SINGLE THING away from me! I lost my will to live, I was a worthless whore, a slut, who deserved what I got. My father was right, I became exactly who he said I would become. I could never tell anyone about this. If I told my parents, my dad would probably tell me I deserved it, that I asked for it by going there. That I was the dumbest piece of shit in the world who left my drink unattended un perpose to let someone drug me and use me like the whore i was.  

At 19, I started smoking marijuana to deal with the anxiety and just to get away from hating myself all the time. It was the only time I didnt wanna die, was when I was high. So I started smoking more and more. Finally it wasnt enough, by the time I was 20, I started doing psychedelic shrooms and I would do mdma. All throughout my drug addiction, my dad had been diagnosed with Leukemia, and I was being told that I was a horrible daughter and sister, because I didn’t want to see my dad. I attempted to go see him a few times, to talk things through from the past (he choked me to the point of passing out, he has hit me and threated to beat the crap out of me) but he denied ever having done anything wrong. I have always wished that he was the great dad that he could be. He wasn’t a horrible person all the time, he did great things with us, sometimes he’d even call me a beautiful young and bright woman who could achieve so much if I just tried. I heard him say that once, and it was enough to keep me coming back despite it never happening again. I just wanted my dad to love me. 

I had visited my dad the week before he went into coma, we talked and I decided after a while that I would rather leave and be with my friends, because my dad always made me feel like I did something wrong. I told him I love him before I left, but I regret not staying longer. I came into the hospital when he went into a coma, I sat and talked to him alone, telling him how I wish he would have been the father I knew he could’ve been, how I loved him so much for all the good things he ever did for me, and that I understand that he was traumatized as a child and that probably made him repeat the cycle on me. I forgave him, because I know that he loved me, that he just used the wrong words to say it. 

The doctors told us he could probably be in the coma for 2 days to a week and then he might wake up again. I went home to a friend, I took some mdma because I wanted to forget and not feel. At 2 am, I got the call to come into the hospital and say my goodbyes. I was high on mdma when I went to the hospital to say goodbye. No one noticed, because every one of them looked just as glazed over in the eyes and just broken. I went to the bathroom to cry, because I was taught not to cry in front of others. When they pulled the plug, I was allowed to go into the room, see him dead and do what i needed to do. When I got into the room, i fell to the ground and started screaming and crying. I couldn’t believe it. He looked so different. like a weird version of himself. a very realistic doll. We finally all finished our goodbyes and went home. I started doing even more drugs, and I would see my dad. even when i wasnt on drugs, i would see him. he was walking on the street as my bus drove by him. I started seeing him everywhere.. it got to the point where i saw him every day, like a spirit in front of me, he would yell and scream and call me horrible things. Then he would hit me and I could feel it, it hurt. I even woke up from it. This went on for a year, and the drugs were the only thing to make it stop. I tried going to three different psychiatric hospitals and they wouldnt take me in, because i was a drug addict and they didnt tell me to stop doing the drugs so i could get treatment. 

I was doing a lot of ghb, which is a known date rape drug, but in small dosages it made me high and it would make the voices go away. (I had three voices in my head, telling me what to do, what to be afraid of and also telling me how worthless i was and so on) I would prostitute myself for money or drugs. My body is a tool, and should be used as such. I distanced my feelings from anything that had to do with sex. Sex and emotions are not a thing that I know how to mix. In the process of selling my body, I have had experiences of men who decided that if I was prostituting myself, then I had no standards and therefor no rights. That i was a piece of meat.. i would try to fight off these men in the beginning, but eventually, I learned to just let it happen. I talked to a policeman, told him what these men would do to me, and he said that it was my own choice, I was choosing to be a prostitute and that it comes with the job, just like he risks getting attacked by people on his job. He also said that I probably would get far in court with my case, because i was a prostitute and so it would be hard to prove that i didnt want it to happen, that i wasnt trying to scam men out of their money or something.. I don’t remember it clearly, but it was enough to make me keep my mouth shut. 

I am now 22 years old, I have been mostly clean of all drugs for a year now, with the rare occation of either smoking some pot to help me sleep (i now have prescription sleep medicine) and doing ghb for a weekend, because the voices became too much and the psychiatric system is very slow on giving me medicine. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in januar 12th 2019, and it is now march 13 and I have only been able to get sleeping medication because i told them that i tried to smoke marijuana to sleep but it made me more paranoid so i dont want to smoke it. I hope that I can become medicated with some anti psychotic medicine very soon, this is a lot for me. 

I recently dug up the old memories of the group rape, and i have finally opened up to a couple people about what has happened to me. I have been guided towards some help centers for rape victims, i hope that i can one day learn to accept the situation and maybe even learn to love myself again. So far, I just have a huge issue with one of the voices in my head telling me im disgusting, useless, worthless, whore, pic, fat, ugly, cumhole, how i deserve to be raped. How every man who is in some way a part of my life, whether its a friend, boyfriend, the men who work at the institution i live in, should rape me, because that is all i am worth to them. that i should be fucked and filled with cum in every hole and over my body they should write all the things that makes me deserve it so the whole world can see how much of a waste of life i am. I should be mutilated, have people stick knives in me, burn me and make me look like the worthless , pathetic excuse of a whore. 

those things are being repeated and yelled into my head over and over, and it been going on, in different variations over the years, and I am so incredibly tired. I just want it all to stop. I cant sit in my apartment alone and relax or enjoy anything, because this is going on, reminding me of how much i hate myself. I need help. im really hope that it will get better. Im just worried that i cant keep fighting this fight much longer. i am so tired. i just want it to stop. im calling the center for rape victims tomorrow morning when their phones open, and i need them to help me. i am desperate. i dont know how to deal with it all. it so much and im not an adult, i wasnt an adult when it all started and i havent had the chance to become an adult because of how much i cant even process properly, ive never spoken about the night of the rape since. and i just want help. i can’t keep it up much longer, i can’t keep pretending im not broken and wishing i could just numb myself with drugs so i dont have to feel it all the time.. i just want help.  i will update this, if i get help and how/if it helped me.  

i don’t know what else to write now. so i guess this is the end of my very long story. 

[milski]

I’m making a fundraiser for the first time, to help homeless people, so please consider donating! https://www.gofundme.com/tj-til-de-hjemlse #helpingothers #helpingthehomeless #homeless #charity #merrychristmas #gofundme #gofundmedonations (at Aarhus, Denmark) https://www.instagram.com/p/BquiS1mH7LN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=le3k55ribo9l

[milski]

I already miss him

I want to tell the world that my dad is sick and dying. Everyone I know, weather i just know them or if they're someone I love, or even just a total stranger. I want them all to know. Not for attention, I couldn’t care less about attention. I want them to know, so they would just all stop what they're doing, even for just a little while, so the world would just pause and mourn him. Even if he isn't gone yet, I want them all to care. It hurts me so much that it feels like no one cares. I care, my family cares. But I want the whole world to stop for a moment, and realize what a great person is leaving this world. I fucked up so many years, where I could have gotten to know him, appreciate how great of a dad he was. I was too busy being angry and selfish. I kept thinking that I'd have plenty of years to make up with him and prove to him that I won't always be such a fuckup. That I accomplished something that he could be proud of and then we could finally make peace and life would be good. I didn’t realize how important every day was. I wish I had more time to prove to him that I will turn out great, because I'm still a fuckup and I've got nothing to show for all those years where I was so angry and selfish. I wasted five years, almost six, being stupid. I wish I could take it all back, somehow just fix it all. I want the world to pause, so I can have some more time to fix it all. To prove to my dad that I love him, that I know how much he loves me. To show him how great my life will turn out and to show him that he was the best dad I could've ever had. I don’t feel like a few weeks, or even months are enough to show him all that. But I’ll try.

[milski]

Help!

So I am neglecting myself today, and I need someone to tell me what to do.. I haven't eaten at all, I've had 5 cups of coffee and I'm seriously tired.. But I don't have an appetite cuz I'm anxious and worried that I'll fuck up and break something else in the house, and I can't sleep even though I'm tired, cuz I'm worried someone might get angry with me for "sleeping my life away".. The anxiety level I'm at is to the point where I'm scared of being scared and anxious for fear that someone might get annoyed or angry with me from being too anxious.. I am never drinking coffee ever again...

[milski]

You're beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I'm guessing mr. anonymous is also known as Phage?

[milski]

[milski]

My love-life

I meantioned in my last post, that my fiancé left me.. I never mentioned anything about any other new relationships in my life.. 

I do not have any relationships.. I could have a relationship.. I have had quite a decent amount of requests.. But the one guy I really have started to have a huge crush on, lives too far away and is probably not even into me like that.. I know he would want to have sex with me, cuz he kinda told me, cuz we talked about it.. But that doesn't mean he would date me.. He is seriously the cutest guy I have ever seen!! And I have always had a thing for guys in uniforms and in the US. Marine corps.. And he's not a dumb brute, or an asshole, like some guys.. He is sweet, and nerdy.. and he has the most amazing smile/lip bite, and if I was to stand in front of him while he did it, my knees would buckle.. He sends butterflies into my stomach and he makes me smile to much my cheeks hurt.. 

But I'm afraid to tell him.. Cuz what if he isn't into me like I am into him, and he gets freaked out, and decides not to talk to me anymore? I really like him as a friend too, and I honestly am very low on friends right now.. I think I should just repress my crush and stick to having atleast one friend to talk to..

If I had lots of followers, I would ask what they thought I should do, but knowing that nobody probably reads this.. I won't even bother.. 

[milski]

My ever-changing life

So... Last time I wrote, it was the day after my b-day and I was really upset cuz my Fiancé had ignored my birthday, and it was a crappy day.. 

Now I have an update on that.. My fiancé has left me.. For a man.. 

Yup, that's right.. you heard me.. He's gay.. and I never knew..  But all my friends said that it was obvious, and that they totally saw the signs and so on.. which is cool and all.. but then why the heck didn't someone clue me in so that I wasn't left hanging in that crappy situation??? I mean if you know someones boyfriend or FIANCÉ is GAY then tell them!!!! How hard can it fricken be??! 

But that wasn't the icing on the cake, no.. I got fired on the same day, and I was going to tell him, but he had something very important to tell me, so I let him go first, and honestly, once I knew he had been having an affair with a man behind my back, I was truly dissapointed.. and I didn't quite feel like telling him I had been fired, cuz it just didn't seem as important.. 

So the two things combined, left me very depressed, and I was too upset to get my lazy ass out of bed and go search for a new job.. I finally decided to go to the doctor and get checked, and she sent me to some groups of depressed teens.. I never got the chance to go, cuz I suddently hadn't paid my bill for the month, and I got kicked out.. 

I called my dad, and he bought me a flight ticket and I moved to France to live with him.. 

This all happened 4, almost 5 months ago.. 

I have gone 3½ months without doing much but helping out the my dads hotel, and I finally decided to go look for a job.,. so I went online and put up a bunch of adds.. and then I went to a bunch of job interviews.. I want to be a nanny or an aupair.. I spent a whole day with a potential family, but I quickly realized that the father was incredibly disrespectful to me, and that they weren't even sure if they wanted a nanny or when.. I then found another woman, and I visited her for an interview, and she sounded perfect.. I decided I would go for it, she said that I would get a contract immediately, with health care benefits, french lessons and 100 € per week salary, + a single bedroom, livingroom and bathroom apartment.. I arrived a week later, when we had planned I should start, and I was already dissapointed, she said I could not sleep in my own appartment, because her 3 year old daughter and her husband are sleeping in there at night, because of the 3 months old twins that sleep in her room cry at night.. So I got to sleep on a pull-out couch in the nursery.. She said it was only temporary.. it wasn't.. I then asked about the contract and when I could sign it.. and she said that she would need a week more before I could sign it.. I had never taken care of infants before, but I was very careful with them and I did everything just like she did.. I had lots of fun with her daughter, who was an energy ball.. after only 3 days, she said she couldn't keep me around cuz she just had a "weird feeling" about me.. but that I could stay the month out.. I found out her husband was cheating on her, because he had to drive me to my french lessons, and he didn't realize I already speak french very well, and that I'm only learning the grammar to better myself.. He was talking on the phone, which was on speakerphone cuz he was driving.. and this woman and him were talking sextalk, and I felt super awkward.. the next day I spoke fluent french to him and he looked mortified.. and only 3 days later I was in the middle of a shower, when the mother of the family told me to finish my shower pronto and pack my bags cuz my dad was here to pick me up.. she just couldn't have me in her house anymore.. no reason as to why.. 

I got fired twice in one week.. and after that I looked for new jobs, and a woman told me to come for an interview, but decided I was too young.. then she set me up for an interview with her bff, who has 4 kids.. and she seemed like she really wanted me, and I was supposed to start monday, but sunday evening she called and said that her husband was going to be home a lot more now, and so she wouldn't need me.. I am now jobless and cleaning my dads house for several hours every day cuz I'm super bored.. and I can't get a job, cuz I'm going to the USA for 1½ months in 6 weeks and no one wants to hire me for just 6 weeks.. 

My life is forever changing.. And currently it sucks.. 

[milski]

Watching “Rise of the Guardians” and realizing that Jack Frost’s story is that he died saving his sister… and that no one seems to be even the slightest bit fazed by that.. makes me think that all the Guardians must’ve died.. which makes this movie super fricken sad!!!

[milski]

What super power do you wish to have?

The power of refilling things.. That way, if I was lazy, I could refill my glass without moving.. If I'm poor, I could refill my bank account and wallet.. And if I'm lonely, I could refill my bed with a person of my choosing..

[milski]

Watching "Rise of the Guardians" and realizing that Jack Frost's story is that he died saving his sister... and that no one seems to be even the slightest bit fazed by that.. makes me think that all the Guardians must've died.. which makes this movie super fricken sad!!!

[milski]

I miss watching you get naked.

who are you?

[milski]

My Birthday.

So my birthday was wednesday and I went to bed crying. 

I woke up 6.45 am, left my house at 7. am.. I am used to my family calling my in the mornings between 7 am and 8 am on my birthday to wish me happy birthday, but only my mother called.. I thought the others had maybe forgotten my birthday again, so I was a little sad, but I didn't mind. 

People on facebook were writing all over the place, wishing me happy birthday, even people who seemingly hate me. 

During my first modul in school, my father called me, along with my brother and his wife sitting next to him, and I got to talk to all of them. They wished me happy birthday and made me feel a little happier. 

Then it kind of felt like my birthday wasn't really happening, until my sister and my grandmother each called me and wished me happy birthday. My grandmother had gotten a call from my father that it was my birthday and she should call me, but she doesn't know who I am, because she has lost some of her memory (I'm the only person she's forgotten so far)..

When I got off school I went to the local E-cig store, cuz my fiance was giving me an E-cig for my birthday, but he wasn't going to be there until an hour after me. I decided to spend the time talking to the guy in the store, he seemed young and nice.. We talked about everything, from cosplay to car crashes.. It was fun, and the guy in the store decided to give me a huge discount, and give me a few extra fluids and a special e-cig, as a birthday gift, so I was really happy about that. 

My fiance met me at the train station and gave me the money it cost to buy the e-cig.. He had told me we were going to watch a movie in the theater and then go out to eat, but his economical situation changed the day before, so he couldn't afford it.. I chose to say we could just go home and watch a movie and eat spareribs and celebrate like that.. 

We got home and put on full metal alchemist, we watched it for a few hours, (like we always do) and he made me spareribs, and went to play videogames. I was sitting alone, infront of the tv, watching a show I watch every day, and eating my birthday meal alone. 

I cammed a little with an old friend of mine (who I know will see this) and it made me a little happier. I went to a chatroom I usually go to and talked to the people there, and they all remembered it was my birthday and wished me happy birthday (sadly they're all so far away, and all the people who live near me don't remember) 

I went to bed with my fiance, I asked him to rub my back, just because I felt like I could need it. (I rub and/or scratch his back almost every night, no matter how late it is, no matter if he's sleeping or awake. I just do it because I love him and I know he likes it) He said it was too late, that he was too tired, so i said fine and let him fall asleep. 

I sat up in bed while listening to his breath and I knew he was sleeping, so I hugged my legs and held tight, and cried as quietly as I possibly could. 

I felt like the birthday that I had invisioned would for once be nice, and I could tell my mother about the movie I saw with my fiance and the nice dinner he made and all the people who wished me happy birthday. Where I could feel like that one day, the day that celebrates my birth, was special. That I for once had a story to tell when my sister tells me about all the great things she and her boyfriend do and that I felt special just for once. 

I hate my birthday. 

That's when my fiance woke up, hugged me, and said "I know, I'm sorry" He held me tight, and kissed my shoulder.. I cried so hard and told him why I was upset, and he said sorry. I layed down and he layed down behind me and scratched my back and then he hugged me tight.. 

That hug was all I needed. I have not been hugged like that since we started dating (The night he hugged me like that the first time, was the first time I'd ever been hugged like that, and I knew then that he loved me and I love him more than anything in the world, because he is now my world.) And I just needed that tight hug, the hug that told me he would never let me go, that he would give anything for me.. That he couldn't stand the pain it would be to lose me, and that I mean the world to him. And I felt so thankful. For him.. 

This is my story of my birthday and the best gift I've recieved. (The gift of the love of my life, and all of his love)

[milski]

crave-the-creative:

"Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies," from Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite, played using only water glasses.

well done. And quite ethereal.

[milski]