minniesshadowlol-blog

[minniesshadowlol-blog]

I'm sorry I can't tell you I love you like you can tell me.You tell me everyday of every hour.So easily it flows off your tongue.You say it with your whole heart.Meaning in your eyes and sincerity in your voice. If I think about it...I have never told anybody "I love you" or just my feelings without being told to...Even when they told me "Tell your mom you love her before she goes."It was never easy to even get that out of my mouth. Ever since I can remeber it's awlays been like that.It never occured to me that maybe it was a problem.Well...Not until I fell in love. I think....A piece of my heart breaks everytime I want to tell you I love you,but it just won't...Come out of my mouth. The one person on this earth that I love with no question..I can't even say "I love you" without having to fight my mind,saying it is okay to tell him. Even right now it's hard to write this,because there are so many things that want to come out of my mouth to tell you... I cry about almost every night. I say sorry. I feel like the worst girlfriend because I can't easily say I love you. Please know this though, I love you with every inch of my body. I mean this from the bottom of my heart to yours. And never think I have lost any love for you,even if we argue.

[minniesshadowlol-blog]

I don't know how to talk about these things so I won't I will just write this letter.Everything started back in 6th grade,this girl I knew around school,very popular but defianlty for the wrong reason had recently showed off her self harm scars.It didn't register to me what they were or what happened until my friend next to me told me she cuts herself.I was shocked but I didn't wonder why she did it.Everyone does things for a reason so I knew she had a reason behind it.That is when it all started.I found out about self harming and what it was like and why people did it.Thing sucked at home and I knew I was always sad.So I tried it,first with saftey siccors,little did I know a year and a half later I would be sitting on the toilet seat with a blade in my hand and a gushing,bleeding thigh,wander if I should go further.I don't know why I always showed my mom when I cut,was it for attention?No,defianlty not,help?No.I gueess it was the start of my spriling OCD that has never come to a stop.I remember that day so well.I kept self harming here and there for the next sevreal months.The more I kept doing it the sharper the tools got.I won't lie,it felt good,it's like being stuffed up in a house all day and finally getting to go outside and breathe the cool,fresh air.Still to this day I have my moments when I miss that feeling,but then I remember the after feeling.It felt like once you had been able to go outside a couple minutes later you were right back in that stuffy old house and every time you went outside you got a new scar.

[minniesshadowlol-blog]

I'm scared to write this,maybe the fear of reading it and realizing why I don't just go away..It all started when I lost trust in someone who was supposed to be my protecter forever and never let anyone hurt me,but tha's just what you did,you hurt me.You hurt me so incredibly much I thought killing myself was the only way to feel better.You hurt me so much I stopped caring,You hurt me so much that I let my world fall apart.My question for you...Why?Why me?Why at all?What did I do to deserve this?You completely ruined my life and yet I am here protecting you...And god do I hate myself for protecting you.You make me feel like I a peice of paper that people just crumble up and throw away and doesnt care about where it goes.I know were supposed to forgive everyone and everything but this time...I don't think I can.Do you know how many times I cried myself praying to God to take me home?Do you know how many times I periced a blade through my skin to get what you did out of my mind?Do you know how much I hated myself?And still do?You broke my world into peices and left this 14 year old girl to pick up her life.You made me feel like I was nothing.So that's what I thought I was.You made me beleive no one cared what happened to me,no one cared if I was hurt.I have thought about what you've done 100,000 times and it never gets any better.

The darkest time of my life I was alone.

[minniesshadowlol-blog]

Love,it should always be protected but also given and received.