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Comfort and Security

Sometimes, desperation can keep us off rails of our goal. In these times of need, I seek refuge and try to redesign what defines me. I go to The Only Cafe in Kits as they have the perfect quaint space for studying, working, and reading a book. Not to mention that they have a good selection of lattes in the house. Something happened last week that almost pushed me to say yes to what could have been another miserable story. I am happy that I have Mike to remind me that saying yes to an offer at the expense of my mental health and competencies is not the best way to go on with life. Three days later, I got another great offer from a well-established global company where I can see growth. Tomorrow, I start a new job and I feel greatly motivated as ever!

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A Different Bracket

When I was a fresh grad, working in an agency, all I wanted was for my co-workers to stop calling me, “too young.” Nonetheless, my age did not hinder them from mentoring me and learning from me at the same time. They accepted that I had potential and even rooted for me. Now, I am on the other side of that age bracket. I recently had the pleasure of working with a bright student. We shared tricks of the trade, and I am honestly surprised by how much I learned from her. She would point out logical conclusions and questions that I would not have noticed until the situation was right up on my face. Sometimes, I would feel insecure--how can she have noticed that and I did not? Am I becoming duller? Truth be told, we learn something new every day. More likely, we’d learn it from someone who’s younger than us. A fresh perspective, as they say. We, as adults, are tired and have so many things going on in our minds that we tend to skip on the basics, the prerequisites now. I am glad to have worked with her and I wish to develop a better attitude into embracing learnings from the younger workforce. I hope she was okay working with me, too.

This photo. Remember? One thing we have in common.

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Lighter, Lighter, Lighter, and gone...

Remember this post? I have to be honest... The feeling bothered me all throughout that day. After consecutive misfortunes, I grew to be accepting of death. I am ready, anytime, anywhere. I will have no regrets, no unfinished business, aside from the fact that I will probably have some outstanding credit card statement and bills to pay the following month. Apart from those, I am ready. I am not in debt. I have no student loans. Heck, I do not even have a career to hold onto. This dream version of me was not. This dream version of me held on and thought of running away to save her life even after getting shot. This dream version of me had a life--an abundant colourful life, I presume. After contemplating so hard about what I just saw in my dream, what I felt in my dream, as if I was an observer and yet a participant for feeling, I concluded that I felt envious. What did the dream version of me had that I did not? What did the dream version of me hold onto that I did not encounter in this life?

This brings me to a sad reality in my own world. Job hunting proves to be a near-death experience for me at every single step. To quote Brit Marling, “When does a kid lose their imagination? When do they let go of that wild, unbridled thing and become the broken-in horse? That was the moment for me." I am trying to convince myself that having an ambition is overrated; to lose myself in the process to be able to survive.

I need what my dream version had. I hope I find it in this lifetime.

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Prickly But Soft

I had one of my vivid dreams this early morning. It showed that I stayed in that miserable job that I left in the fall. I was joking with the GM and, somehow, found myself leaving the premises driving a truck on an unpaved hill. As soon as I realized that there’s a lot of people walking towards my opposite direction, the truck disappeared and I was walking among the sea of people. I was in a hurry and did not want to wait as people in front of me were walking like strolling in the park. I pushed someone away by their head (I know, rude). Then, the woman on my right brought out a gun--a big one, not your usual handgun, but not a rifle either. She shot once somewhere off my back. I tried to think: where do I hide? The shooter is right by me. Do I have time to duck? Apparently, my thinking did not do me any good. Her second shot was through my head. The bullet hit me on the side, above my right ear. I fell on my left side and thought that maybe I could still run. 

I thought I was dead.

Then, I woke up. The time was 5:51 AM. My alarm hasn’t gone off yet. Mike was still beside me sleeping. Mike. He just gave me an ultimatum last night that if I disrespect him again in public, he will leave me and he will go back home. One last chance and he’s gone. Now, I’m scared to even go out anywhere with him because of my obnoxious attitude that I seem not to be self-aware of. How do I recover from this?

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Georgie

Happy birthday to my little bugger, my highly effective alarm clock, my sassmaster, my dark lurker, my heart, one of the loves of my life. You add sunshine to my cold, dark heart. You’re like a location pin to our home. Thank you for the kitty love I never thought I needed.

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Pretty Hurts

Stop. Stop it. You’re fighting the flow too much, the lure of the other side’s aesthetic is hurting you. Once you’ve made the decision, you must stick to it. Act it, speak it, feel it, embrace it. No more turning back and torturing yourself over something that will never be yours. You do not live to impress them; you live to have a good life for you and your family. Stop it. After everything, maybe it’s not worth it anymore.

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Look Back

This was one of our very first decor at my & Mike’s first apartment together in Saint John. It was spacious, had a bedroom, decent living room space, kitchen with a good space for dining, and a cute bathroom (not to mention all the closets and storage). He bought this because he thought it looked like a puppy Oscar (our dog). There are times when I would let myself miss that apartment in Linda Court. We had good memories even if I was a struggling working student who aspired to be more than who she was. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to look back from where I came from. It’s either I see someone in her 20s who’s in her prime, or someone who has miserably failed in a snap after experiencing what could have been her peak. Life is such an irony; they say you move on and let go, but they also say that you should embrace, accept, and never forget what has happened. It’s quite a conundrum for me as I have a habit of hiding from my stressors in an effort to survive. Selective exposure, as that Interpersonal Theory states. Nevertheless, I think the minimum requirement is to stay humble.

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First of the Many

My very first Chanel purchase! It’s also my first time trying out Chanel no. 5 and I fell in love with it right away. Couldn’t get enough of the scent. This was my reward from labouring for full 3 days, encoding and reading unfortunate and terrible working conditions. I needed some brightness in my week. Wishing there’ll be no way but up from here.

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Moving Forward

Received shocking news today that actually saved me from what could have been an irreparable damage to my career life and mental health. Thought of this first art purchase when we first moved to the West End. We met Sarah Wunderlich along Coal Harbour and just fell in love with her work. This one right here resonated the most with me. They say that each has his/her own interpretation of art. Whenever I look at this canvass, the meaning changes every time as it’s reliant on my emotional context for the day. When I got home tonight from work, I saw this and thought, “What a nice save. What an opportunity to move forward.” My decision two months ago was firmed up to be the better of the other permutations of my reality. I guess, sometimes, it’s better to wait and take risk than to settle and lose more of yourself.

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Breathe and Flow

“I told you so,” Mike says every time I worry too much, then it turns out to be alright. They say that worrying is suffering twice so you should avoid being bothered by things that you cannot control until it unravels in front of you. For some weird reason, I feel irresponsible if I don’t worry about that certain thing. Maybe it’s a bad habit, but after worrying and finding out that the situation turned out to be favourable, the relief was so much better. Throughout my career, supervisors and co-workers alike have always treated me “caring too much” as a weakness. They have taught me to let go. However, I like how I am. I like that I care a lot. Maybe not the best metric for my mental strength, but it keeps me “me.” I guess I just need to breathe more and don’t declare my worries.

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Borders and Limits

Exhaustion doesn’t just come from physical fatigue. It can also come from factors that violate your personal boundaries. I’ve been reading the book, “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” and it says to avoid giving away your power. Just because you want to be accommodating and polite, it does not mean that you should let other people walk all over you. You can still be nice and at the same be mindful of your own boundaries. Otherwise, you will never achieve peace and serenity.

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“How are you? I’m okay!”

This must be the most common lie each one of us has told. We don’t want everyone to see inside of us and transparency has become overrated (save for when we feel offended). We try our best to be nice, otherwise, we will be the next subject of another social media crisis. On Saturdays, I let myself be… myself. It’s the only time I can stop and actually smell the flowers. These pretty plants do not hide anything: if a part of them is dying inside, you can clearly see which part is wilted. It must save them a lot of energy without having to conceal how they really feel and who they really are.