mishapslikeme

[mishapslikeme]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[mishapslikeme]

When I think of her

Torn apart and thrown away

She grew from her pieces

Millions of flowers

A new life

Never ending

Never ceasing

[mishapslikeme]

Nearly 27 thoughts.

I’m on the brink of turning 27, and I find myself still obsessing over the type of love I only see in those corny rom-coms. How foolish I was to think that was what love was, nonetheless, it doesn’t stop the fantasising and daydreaming. To be held for hours, for him to run through the rain, stop a plane from take-off, hold a boom-box outside my window... these are moments I wish I could live out. As I approach 30, I find myself more afraid for the life I have yet to live out. Questions like am I enough? Am I going anywhere? Do I have hope to succeed? Swirl around my mind like a soft serve from Macca’s. I’m scared, I feel so much more aware of the time I feel I’m wasting. I don’t wanna be too late at life, I’ve been late at everything else up until now. I’ve given myself over to too many people, I’ve been let down too many times in my own mind, to even contemplate doing it again. I feel weak as I type all of this out at nearly 2 in the morning.

[mishapslikeme]

I was thinking about all the choices I’ve made in the past few years, and I felt like I’ve made the worst mistakes.

The people I’ve hurt, the things I’ve done - I feel like the shame I feel it’s condensed into a mindset of self-sabotage.

I hate spending time with myself, thinking of the future scares me. Every time I think about it - I slowly realise what I envisioned for myself when I was younger isn’t going to happen. Marriage, children - God, a career; I don’t know what I have left to believe in or to want for myself.

I’m really going in blind. At the start I thought it was fun, and it was - I enjoyed being spontaneous, but now I feel like I’m squeezing more and more of the already dried lemon of life to feel something.

It’s hard to find joy in a lot nowadays - I’m terrified of a lot of things.

I’m afraid my “stuckness” is now a mechanism I may use to mask the fact I’m actually unmotivated and sympathy seeking - I read that in a self help book a while ago. I guess even self help books can make you paranoid.

I’m getting a tattoo this week, and I have no idea what I’m getting done or where but I want one to simply feel something. I’m also getting a hair cut two weeks from now. I assume this is all means I want to change myself - my brain ideally, but because my body is the next easiest thing to change it’ll face the music instead.

I want to love myself. And the gym helps me do that - but when I come home, everything goes back to what it was. Like all the steps I’ve made forward have undo-ed themselves - resembling a sick game of snakes and ladders but only with my life.

I want to leave all my feelings behind - and escape my life.

If there was a reset button I’d push that sucker until the paint would peel off that massive red button I’m visualising in my mind.

It’s scary but I know I’d leave everything I have here in a second. Everyone I know and love, I’d leave that all behind to start over.

That part scares me, i don’t know what I’m capable of.

Here’s to hoping I keep hanging on.

[mishapslikeme]

I hope your doing well, I miss your updates, give us more! Haha

Thank you! you're lovely haha - more updates on the way xx

[mishapslikeme]

Today is the most important day of your life.

I've chased greatness my whole life. I've wanted it right from the beginning. First it was my competitiveness at school - I wanted to be the best so badly, to think of it; that's been my most fierce desire. And my whole life I've been trying to prove to myself that I am the best - that at least I could be if I tried.

But life doesn't work that way, there will always be someone better, more courageous, intelligent, creative and forgiving than you.

It's although I've been wanting to give myself a reason for my existence. When I don't need one, I am what I am - shouldn't that be enough?

For a long time, and I've been writing about life's inexplicable mysteries for years now - and I know now it's all about balance.

A balance of self acceptance and ambition to reach a higher level. That, now that isn't easy - then again is anything worthwhile deemed easy?

All of us will eventually die, and as someone who has been so close to death itself - I see the abyss as it is. The darkness of it all, dust to dust. But what do we leave behind? For most people it's their children, their families - the generations of life they've helped shape and mould.

For some it's their careers, the Jeff Bezos's, Steve Jobs' and Elon Musk's of this world.

For others it's their sacrifice, those martyrs of the past - those who fought in war and saw more bloodbaths than anyone should've.

For you and for me - we're figuring it out.

Who do we want to be?

How do we want to be remembered?

More importantly, how do we live our lives to now to make that happen?

If there's one thing I've learnt, is that today counts more than any day of your life. Today is the most important day of your life - no, it wasn't the say you were born or the day you got married or the first day of your dream job; today, today counts most.

Start today, do something today. Make yourself 1% better than you were yesterday, small wins means big wins to come.

Believe in yourself above anything, help yourself to get there.

It's so worth it, the hardships, the stress, the turmoil - it's all so so worth it. Trust yourself, take the plunge.

[mishapslikeme]

Hi mish , keep doing what you’re doing and have a great day! X

This is unbelievably sweet and thank you thank you thank you x

[mishapslikeme]

Too much love will kill you

Waking up today in my tangled state of mind, I looked back to find where I went so wrong. I’ve made bad decisions and not much has changed from then.

But miraculously I feel like I’m finally stepping out of my shadow and into my skin. I feel triumphant.

Yet, I feel all too aware of my future. I’m the victim of my crime. I made the future happen, as I am making my current happen.

Right now I find myself at the fork in the road. I have to make sense of all this. I don’t know it all the time but the pain I feel in my chest, I’ve felt it so long I don’t know how to live without it.

There is hope. There is always hope - I tell myself, and so far I’ve come a long way, although I need to convince myself this.

It’s easy to feel absolutely worthless, it takes more to live up to yourself. Be your own role model. Stand up straight with your shoulders back, the world is your oyster.

[mishapslikeme]

glad ur back and blogging! post more and let us know how u r doing

I’m surprised you guys want to hear more from my end, but since you ask - with Victoria’s many lockdowns I feel I’ve almost grown into a new person.

These past few months I’ve committed myself to the gym mostly. I’ve found it’s become my sanctuary, a place I feel I can grow (not only physically but mentally)

This sudden change came from a few months ago; I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and that’s been an interesting journey. I’ve been prescribed medication - but I refuse to take it, I believe I can live life without it.

At the same time I’m the most alone I’ve been in a long time. But I think it’s for the best - I feel like I’m finally able to focus on the things that fill me with joy. I also have more time to figure out my life, which is a work in progress - has been for years, but I think I’m closer than I’ve ever been before.

Currently most my energy’s spent on keeping positive with my future and organising my house. Huuuuge shout out to Jordan Peterson for without his advice I’d be elsewhere without doubt.

My social life has now evolved into movie nights with my fam and walks to my local Woolies wearing clothes far too nice for grocery shopping. I’ve been spending more time with my children (Mila and Maxie) they continue to brighten my day on a daily basis.

I’m a very lucky gal.

[mishapslikeme]

Has being in a relationship changed you much?

Ohh yeah It’s changed me massively. I’ve learnt in almost two and a a half years of dating - the people you let into your life in the most intimate of ways affect you completely. There’s this amazing quote - “tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are”

If your friends have this incredible potential to shape you into who you are, imagine the potential of your significant other.

Personally, I feel as though I’ve changed in many positive ways; I figured out a lot about myself, my needs and expectations the most. But also I changed my mentality of relationships throughout - letting another person deep into my life placed me in a lot of vulnerable situations. I feel I’ve learnt to trust the process of life a bit better from it. Having a person committed, standing by me had that ability to lift the veil, so to speak.

But with every positive comes negatives, and sure there’s a few. I’ve changed in ways I may not necessarily would’ve liked to - grown more sensitive, develop slight hint of anxiety (severely underplaying it) and maybe a few other fun ones like that. But at this moment I’m not prepared to wave accusations at any party involved in my life just about yet.

Hopefully that helps x

[mishapslikeme]

Mish, I'm really sad we drifted apart. I love your blogs, any new ones? It's nice to hear from you :)

Have we drifted apart? Let’s see what we can do about that - stay tuned x

[mishapslikeme]

The Pragmatist

Today I had a moment. A single fraction of a minute that changed my outlook for the next twenty-four hours (and counting)- well day(s), considering it’s 5AM presently.

“Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it.”

―Donna Tartt, The Secret History

This quote can translate in as many ways as there are wavelengths of light, (quite a few) personally, reading those words made me stare so deep into my reflection my blemishes went unnoticed.

How much importance do I give in to beauty? There comes a moment in life when you realise seeing, physically being able to ‘see’ is a burden in more ways than one. Not that we should be envious of the blind, but imagine this - living in a world where judging someone was solely based on core-values, convictions and personality?

It feels both unbelievable and wonderful, some of you may call me an idealist - that this is a situation only possible in a utopian world, but if we all thought that way we wouldn’t go anywhere at all, there would be no chance of this becoming a reality.

I know it boils down to one person, me. I have to apply my own beliefs to myself before asking anyone to join me; it isn’t easy prioritising function over fashion, a decent person over a looker - but people cannot be segregated into cubby-hole like categories, ultimately how accurate is face-value for real?

Right now I’m just amazed at how a single sentence picked up in the narrow row of a bookstore could make me wonder about all of this.

That’s the thing about Philosophy, it opens the eyes mind to the reality of now - that your heart is beating, your dendrites are sparking, lungs inflating, you’re alive right now. And as anticlimactic as that may sound, we don’t realise it at all - those heartbeats go unacknowledged for months, maybe years until a close encounter with the veiled figure of death itself or… the discovery of Socrates amongst your library shelves.

Rationalising, contemplating, thinking - something I’ve learnt over the twenty-one years of life and still continuing. Give it a go, prioritise what’s inside for appearance. In Shakira’s words of intellect - “those big books don’t lie” and I’d have to agree with her on that one.

Anyone could buy a Tommy shirt or a Channel dress.

But how many could understand the point of life, love and death? And live to tell the tale?

Think.

[mishapslikeme]

Curries No Worries

In every long term, serious as a perfectly-round-roti relationship, there will come two distinct moments.

The first; when you realise you’re falling for him, when you can use the facilities with the doors akimbo, and the fear of him not eating will lead to you experiencing a canon of strokes throughout the day. And how could I forget... The sudden urge to steal his hoodie will come over you like you've been possessed; and seeing his face in a crowd will send jolts down your spine. If you know, you know. There is absolutely no slow-burn sensation involved here my friends.

And the second moment either both, you encounter as a couple or on your own (depending on when) you’re faced with a single choice.

Is it all worthwhile in the end? It’s a tough call, and a lot of the stuff that charges this question comes from our bestest friend - fear.

Romantic fear in your twenties may seem like a wrecking ball's been swung at your face or a slow dunk into piranha infested waters. There's no way around it. Hit or miss, 50/50 doesn't always feel as reassuring.

All through my not-so-long-lived-life, I've heard a variety of stories; some that chill me to the bone upon reflecting on them. Tales of real relationships tested in the flames of what seems like Hades itself: cheating, mental health issues, pathological lying, normal lying, loss of attraction, falling out of love and just boring unhappiness.

All my friends and acquaintances that I've been so lucky to have been a part of their lives - especially through their relo-turmoil, have taught me the majority of what I know now.

I remember a while back thinking "Gee, from everything I've seen and heard, I'm basically a walking relationship self-help book!"

Well, maybe not that exactly, but you know. I felt that chuffed about myself all way up until I encountered some of those difficulties myself.

And OH the PAIN. I'll say this once, everything you thought you know about love and commitment is basically nullified once it morph's into this ache that even a block of Koko Black's Pistachio 75% dark chocolate doesn't take away.

It's an interesting feeling, pain. Each of us feels it so differently, yet we describe it using the same words. I want everyone who's going through something similar to know, it's okay.

What you're feeling is valid for right now, try feel it in its wholeness if you can. Break a plate, write a bunch of illiterate poetry, FaceTime your mates until it drives them crazy, make plans, really look at yourself in the mirror - and recognise that love starts with you.

I was scrolling through the very depths of my bad habit - Instagram, until I ran into something useful; A list of poets and philosophers and their views on relationships. Curiosity will always lead you to places you've never thought, and this wasn't any different.

I looked into Henry David Thoreau, and discovered a quote that will stay with me and my un-tamed ego until the end of my days;

"The heart is forever inexperienced"

We all want to know. Knowledge can feel like the currency of love, but in all truth - we're all walking in blind, feeling at the walls that surround us for direction.

We lose our footing sometimes, we make mistakes - but in those moments it's important to recognise/realise your humanity, that although you're strong and competent - there's always room for learning.

Right now your relationship may feel like an endless 9am ZOOM lecture (espesh with those COVID restrictions) but if you really believe in something, and trust not only him but yourself - there's a lot you can achieve in this lifetime kids.

You may lose momentum, but hold on to your hope. Godspeed.

[mishapslikeme]

The Isle

The day had finally arrived. Scuba diving along the coast of Sri Lanka, specifically Trincomalee on a tiny island south of the beach. The best part, I wasn’t alone in my exploring escapades; my best friend Gavin was here, his side stuck to mine like velcro. Nothing was impossible that day, the sun shone only brighter than before and the palm trees swayed with a rhythm much like a Bob Marely tune. Stepping into the jetty boat was the beginning, the unstable rock of water against wood invoked the nervousness within me, what glorious creatures lurked right beneath our shaky feet now, at this very moment?

The boat sped up, leaving a bridal trail of frothing, fizzing white. Gavin didn’t say much, only he cocked his head and looked at me, with a curious gaze as the wind blew our hair slick against our scalps. The strong pull of the rival wind found its way into our mouths, our cheeks flapping against our enamel teeth. The wind, the splash, the blood-stained sun challenged our strength, pushing us down further against the speeding boat. But nothing, nothing at all, would stop us.

The jetty wobbled as it hit the bay, my toes sunk into the warm sand as my wetsuit hugged my chest tightly. The island itself appeared to exist on another planet, everything flourished. The colours were like nothing I had ever seen before. We walked along the makeshift path, that lead down to the reef, the water shone like market coins. The waves drew in and out, uniform and in perfect canon. It was like an invitation from Poseidon himself, and we couldn’t wait to feast our eyes on the secrets the lay beneath.

Equipment ready to go, my flippers tugging my humid-swollen feet as I walked into the water, it was warm. The sloshing waters sent shivers up our spines as Gavin and looked at each other, before readying our goggles; making sure not one blur remained on the worn plastic lens.

Dive, whoosh, plop. As our bodies hit the warm-buttery water, it already seemed enough. A smile escaped my lips as the bubbles consumed us, the sea's milky foam popping in our ears. The tangy blues, and rosy-pinks revealed themselves first, the beauty we saw; unlike any sunset, waterfall or lagoon ever seen. It was raw, this place existed on its own. The glints and glimmers of fins probed our vision, like a museum of wind-chimes, but only amidst nature itself. These sights drawing us deeper into the swirl of blue, pink and silver. We would never leave this behind, nor would we ever forget.

[mishapslikeme]

I NEED quarantine content. How are you managing being locked away?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG6dewpjnJc&t=1030s 

^Hope you enjoy, more to come 

[mishapslikeme]

The Kick

I almost don't want to write about him. There's a fear I have of actualising what lays in the tight folds of my brain. Everyone searches for the truth; but many are terrified to one day stumble upon it.

Stepping around broken glass. Dodging flying, whizzing bullets. The prick of the needle, the sting of the bee - The howling winds, the fire and the sea.

Then, his heart. It beats in various tempos, with what he sees; The sounds, smells, tastes that he absorbs. Does he love me truely? Why don't these thoughts leave my mind alone> I twist and turn in my sheets, The moonlight, white light casting its glow on the outline of my form.

My foot begins to shake in the cold, shiver caressing my spine - I have so often been alone, I mastered lonliness. Comfort emanated from it at times, but I did not want comfort.

I did not want to bask in the rays of the sun and smile on my own. That was not happiness, that was not love of self.

I kicked out, the quilt loosening its embrace, there was more to life than that. Sleep came soon that night.

[mishapslikeme]

Perseverance in little things

When I step into my haven I’m immediately at peace. I can be myself, I can relax and brew amidst the faith-filled rooms, people and chapel.

This haven gives me many things. But after nearly a year being back from Europe - I find myself stuck.

To find out you have two sides to your personality may seem like a thrilling discovery - but to me I see it more as a burden.

I like facts, I want to speak and write with a sharp perspective - obviously objective, but with truth.

I don’t like being two people, I admire constancy in people. I admire the individual who stays true to themselves in all social situations. That’s a value I appreciate in my Mother, she’s always stayed true to who she is.

I respect her more than anyone I know know intimately in my life. And I think for a lot of us - our Mothers play a massive role in our life.

I think about death -my death one day. My funeral in particular, I can’t imagine these different groups of people knowing me in different ways mixing and mingling.

My youth group friends I respect. To the extent I think that it’s sometimes hard for me to open up completely. Yes, it’s pride, yes it’s the fear of potential judgement - that things will never be the same.

Imagine having an audience with all of your role models, imagine confessing all of your regrets and mistakes and wrongdoings.

There’s a reason it doesn’t sound easy. Pride. It’s literally everywhere.

But I’m trying still, to be that person I admire in my Mother and in my friends.

Perserverence, it’s a tough obstacle - but it’s eternally worth it.