mistihayesfix - Tumblr blog

[mistihayesfix]

daydreaming about writing: 🥰😍🥹❤️😊🌺✨😘

the act of actually writing: 😭😰😵‍💫😭😰😭☹️😖

[mistihayesfix]

Anxiety and excitement are such a fine line apart that my brain & body have trouble differentiating. I'm working on something I'm excited about. But I'm nervous too because I have so much else weighing on my mind.

I feel almost sick to my stomach. I desperately need this win so I can move forward. I'm so close to what I need. I'm supposed to be finished with this project. But my fears about the back end possibility not working out have my stress in the stratosphere.

I wish everything didn't have to seem so difficult. These are the days I wish I were neurotypical. Gosh. The work itself will take me maybe four hours. And it's something I love doing.

The potential monthly work is so worth it, even if I won't be paid as much as I'd hoped. If I can broker this deal, it will cover the basics and get me started again. I'll have enough to be able to look for other opportunities.

I want this so bad. I know I'm ready. I have more to learn but there's so much I'm ready to hit the ground with. I know I can bring the growth this client needs. I already have incredible capabilities and I'm surrounded by brilliant folks who can help me.

I'm also signed up to get some AI learning in so I can utilize it properly to assist me. I'm excited but I'm so scared because so often it hasn't worked out. But this time, here I am hopeful again. Setting myself up - hopefully for a good report. Hopefully a resounding, joyful yes that helps us both.

Please, God, I need a win. 🙏🏾 Thanks.

[mistihayesfix]

I'm still in an in-between spot emotionally and mentally. I wish I were 100% better but I know because of the situation I'm currently in, it makes it hard to move forward.

I am trying. But it is draining physically.

The mind-body connection is fascinating if not upsetting at times. I hope that everything will be OK soon. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, showing up for myself.

Even though I could be better, I am hopeful my attempts are seen for the monumental leaps they feel like. To a neurotypical, it's nothing, to me it is everything.

Today, I recalled a bad situation from my youth. A very painful time physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't like recalling it but certain things bring it back. It is that time of year. Even after all these years, I still feel it. But I am safe now. I am OK.

Each day, I try a little more.

I hope it is worth it.

[mistihayesfix]

Is life worth it?

Because after all these years, it seems there isn't much to live for.

We're witnesses to multiple genocides right now. And nothing any of us does is enough.

All the information in the world at our fingertips, yet nothing stops greed and corruption.

Anti-Blackness, anti-Indigeneity, sexism, colorism, classism, fatphobia, homophobia, and transphobia are actively harming and killing people.

The world has decided to judge poverty as a moral failing instead of the violent systemic oppression it is. We've decided homelessness and mass incarceration are OK because the threat of either is used to "Keep people in line."

Education is lauded but expertise is derided.

There was once a time for hope but that time seems to have passed.

What is worth living for when this is what life has to give?

[mistihayesfix]

Don't know how much more I can take. Things keep going off the rails. Every time I try something else, it's not working.

I used to think I survived for some reason, that maybe I had something left here to do. But it seems the only things that remain are more suffering and making those around me feel uncomfortable.

I hoped for better. I tried hard. I thought I was learning and growing. But it all seems to be for naught. What am I supposed to do?

[mistihayesfix]

[mistihayesfix]

[mistihayesfix]

I don't cry as much as I used to. But there are days I wish I did.

Not for the same reasons, mind you, but because shedding tears is cathartic. The potential for bloodshot eyes, a gooey nose, and a pounding headache is nothing to look forward to.

But that floaty feeling of having dropped unnecessary emotional baggage is almost as exciting as losing or gaining physical weight. The relief that washes over me after a good crying session feels like freedom from whatever thoughts bound me.

Even in grief, my tears pour out the memories of the love I had for someone or something that once was but is no more. Bittersweet. A palatable pain.

I want to cry tonight. But I keep stopping myself. I feel today should be a day of celebration for something good that happened. But the heaviness of life and news that isn't good weighs heavier than joy.

So I'm caught in this conundrum. I believe I should follow after gratitude in the hopes it will lift my spirits. But I don't think that's going to happen. Not today.

I can't ignore this sadness and hope it goes away. I have to honor it and give it the time and space it deserves. Just as I want to celebrate my joy, I must work through the sadness, overwhelm, brokenness, and frustration. Then hopefully, I can immerse myself in happiness, pride, and joy.

I should cry but here I am having a difficult time. I've been conditioned to quickly move through these moments and search for the good. But I've since learned in therapeutic settings not to ignore my "negative" feelings.

I've learned to acknowledge their presence. Maybe I'm ashamed that I'm having these feelings. Part of me believes I should be grateful and that part of me is judging myself.

I deserve better. I don't have to be ashamed of my emotions, of who I am, of what I am going through. I can cry freely, it's OK.

😮‍💨😮‍💨

Celebrate later. Cry now.

[mistihayesfix]

I hope all of you know, you are special. You are necessary.

Life is weird. It seems unceasingly cruel some days. Yesterday I saw the bodies of the humanitarian aid workers who had been killed by IDF strikes in Gaza.

What is being done there is nothing short of a genocide. To think a man like Bibi, with his heritage would use it to oppress and destroy others is unthinkable.

The crushed and mangled bodies of beautiful, proud Palestinian families left trampled by a regime hellbent on annihilation is terrifying. They deserve better. No people should face crimes like this.

In Congo, small children, barely able to walk are sent to work in the mines for our comfort. Are they not beautiful and special as well? Do their lives not have meaning? Are they not allowed to know life outside of slavery? Because that's what they are in.

The Continent, glorious, resplendent, rich with resources, but more importantly, peoples and cultures who deserve to thrive. Yet for CENTURIES now, the peoples, cultures, and resources have been plundered to run the world without given so much as a dime to the betterment and growth of the many nations of The Grand Continent.

Colonizers believe and would have everyone else believe the peoples are backward and in need of saving, when history tells us life began, expanded, and was able to be cultivated because of practices from the peoples of The Continent, the Middle East, and the Far & Near East. Islanders and more. The world is as advanced as it is, not because of colonizing, desperate, thieving despots and imperialism, but because of the minds and hearts of the Global South Majority.

You all are precious. Each of the people in these places, Sudan, Haiti, and Pakistan is worthy. My prayers at this time are especially with Taiwan after the earthquake today and Japan as the shores of both countries are receding and it seems tsunamis are imminent.

Please remember, in the midst of all of this, the vastness and greatness, the terrible and the terrific, you matter. Yes, little you means something big to the world around you. Even if no one else told you or made you feel special or like you matter. Even if someone has worked hard to convince you of the opposite, they are liars.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER, simply because you are. We are a community of humanity, separated by distance and boundaries but bound together in the spirits of community and care.

It is overwhelming to see all this and feel insufficient. But let us learn and tell and share the stories. Let us see the humanity and worthiness of our fellow friends. Let us not let others turn away easily and forget.

We see each other. I love you.

[mistihayesfix]

The idea that any of us is attractive and loveable is so wild to me.

Untrue.

Not any of us.

Me.

That anyone would find me attractive enough and someone to share love with romantically is wild to me.

So far, few have dared, and none have made long-term commitments.

Over time, I've grown into a much better person. Healthier. Happier. That too is wild.

Me, happy?

In the midst of seemingly never-ending stress and health concerns, I'm willing to say I'm happy.

And maybe the courage that it takes to be happy feeds the faith that maybe someone out there would find me desirable.

Someone may want me as their person.

There is more to life. Trust me, I know. And the more is damn good. Community makes for a beautiful life. Even in pain and poverty.

Learning, skills development, habits, hobbies. Loved ones. Friends. All these blessings surround and make for a wonderous existence even when the pressure to continue on seems it may overcome.

A well-written word, an incredible play in a game, the soothing sounds of a song, the silence of alone time, the rhythm of the song of my body, divergent as it may be -- all these things lending to the eye-opening diversity of life.

There is more and I have found it and there is more to come. But maybe just maybe someone might find me and carry me to our new home.

[mistihayesfix]

Chaeryeong Courreges x Bazaar

[mistihayesfix]

😭

have you ever read a fanfic so good that you wanted to write a fanfic about that fanfic, but was too shy / too intimidated to ask for the author’s permission and too afraid that your writing wouldn’t be half as good as theirs and that it would be an insult to their work that was basically a literal masterpiece, so you just sat there fantasizing about their work and how beautiful it was and how you wished you could just eat it and how you wished canon could write your blorbos half as good as this writer did and how you just wanted to cry because you just loved that fic so much????

[mistihayesfix]

Fiery Fanfic

Soooooooooooo hi there. 👋🏾 ☺️

Look, life is weird. But at least this time there was only a two-month gap. 😅

As promised, I've posted the first chapter of a new AU. It's my first time delving into soulmate stories, so I'm excited.

This was supposed to be my entry into the K-pop Emo Fic Fest 2023. Yes, I realize I missed 2023 by a few months. But things happen. Anywho, all I will tell you is that SaMo is involved and that there are more ships to come. Feel free to guess the pairings!

Now, for housekeeping, next week I'm going back to posting the next installment in my gift for @aduckinahat based on her Sugar Mommy Dahyun AU. You can read the first two parts on my AO3 account under the "So Sweet" series.

As I've mentioned before, my goal this year is to post consistently, so despite the ick of life, we move. 😅

Also, if you've been around, you know music is a big part of life over here. Of course, I have a playlist going.

Apple Music

YouTube

As always, I hope you enjoy and talk to me!

Just in case the Ardent link for AO3 doesn't work:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/54467767/chapters/137984212#main

[mistihayesfix]

Keyboard go BRRRRRRRRRR

[mistihayesfix]

[mistihayesfix]

[mistihayesfix]