mistressofchaosblog

[mistressofchaosblog]

So I recently started rewatching the twilight series and something caught my attention, you know how Jasper lost control when bella cut herself during her birthday... well it sorta dawned on me that the Cullen's have been going to a highschool... With females students old enough to be on their periods...every single month... unsavory thought I know but you see where I am going with this?

[mistressofchaosblog]

it was a lot more than a hug: an (unintentional) short essay on mental health & steven worm

I LOVED THE HUG OKAY.

I’ve seen a lot of people saying things like “uGh thE eNdiNG sUcKEd geTtiNg a hUG doEsN’T sOLvE aLL yOuR pRoBLeMs”. but in my opinion, that’s exactly the point. 

All throughout the second half of SUF, they’re trying to show us that there is no one way to feel immediately better and have all of your problems solved. He goes to pretty much every source he can. The gems aren’t necessarily seeing what he’s going through, Connie isn’t going to solve this for him, his Dad is helping in an unhelpful way, so he goes to Jasper and that went haywire, so he goes to the diamonds and they just make it worse. And then what is he supposed to do?

Every single time Steven goes to a person to “help” him, he’s going to them seeking help in order to fix it. and there’s a big difference between the two. 

I have anxiety, depression, and OCD, and often when I’m panicking or having moments of high anxiety, I do what Steven did: I seek out people not to help me, but to fix it for me. I then react the same way Steven did - with anger - when people try to help instead of just fixing it.

Anxiety, depression, panic, none of those things can be completely and magically cured and rid of in the snap of a finger. But in the moment, for people like me, for a person like Steven, the thought of that feeling not being entirely solveable is petrifying.

 It’s like if someone is drowning and splashing around: you can’t get the life ring around them because of how much movement and commotion they’re creating. But they’re drowning, so you can’t just tell them “Hey, stop moving so I can help you!” From your perspective, you’re trying to help them by encouraging them to do something that will in turn allow you to help them. But to that person, if they stop flailing, they’re going to sink even further, and that is terrifying, so much so that they can’t even consider that you might be wanting to help them. All they can process is that you told them to stop doing the one thing that they don’t want to do: sink. Even if they’re sinking just for a moment, before you save them, that doesn’t matter. That feeling of sinking is terrifying, so they end up splashing around more. 

When Steven seems to be babbling on, almost comedically, in “Everything is Fine”, trying to convince himself he’s fine, he’s gotten to a stage that I was in for a while, a sort of mania, where he is not only attempting to convince everyone around him that he’s fine, he has convinced himself that he is fine. This is a huge red flag for people with bipolar disorder or manic depression (NOT diagnosing Steven, I am not a professional, I’ve just experienced many of these things and been surrounded by people experiencing these things and professionals explaining them to me. Like I said, I was in the hospital for this, so). Everyone around him starts to see that he is, in fact, not fine, as they’ve already surmised. But the physical consequences of them not doing anything, not doing enough, are starting to manifest.

When he morphs into the Steven Worm, he has lost his sense of self. He doesn’t know what to do with himself, he can’t exist within himself with the world he’s created. He didn’t tell the Gems about the hospital, he didn’t tell his dad he was angry, he didn’t actually tell Connie he needed her he just proposed. He doesn’t know what to DO with all of this. So it explodes around him.

He can’t control his feelings, himself anymore. He feels he’s lost control. For me, a human, this morphs into a panic attack. But for him, he’s a gem, he turns into Steven Worm.

Not even the diamonds, the most powerful beings in the entire Gem universe, are incapable of changing him. His emotions bring White Diamond to her knees. But what they’re doing wrong here is they’re trying to fix him!

When Connie bolts in on Lion and is making her (iconic) rallying cry, she never says they need to fix Steven or heal him; she says they need to help him. Because that’s the only way he can get better.

When you go to the psychiatric hospital, you don’t go to get fixed. You’re in an environment where you’re made so you’re not a physical danger to yourself, and then you do a shit ton of work. You have therapy multiple times a day, every day, all week. You do work, they don’t just fix it for you. And this is the solution that we need to see portrayed. This is the solution they did portray in SUF.

Mental health disorders can’t be fixed. And Steven’s problems weren’t solved with a hug. 

But we needed to see the hug. Because Steven needed to see the hug.

The hug wasn’t just about hugging him. It was about literally forcing him to come face-to-face with the love and support he had been inadvertenly, and then intentionally, pushing away. It forced him to say, “Okay, this is who I am right now. And these people love me.”

I had to have the people in my life tell me over and over that they loved me when I went to the hospital. I had to have my doctors tell me that they cared for me, my therapist tell me that I wasn’t talking too much, because I didn’t believe them. I had convinced myself I wasn’t worthy, I was a fraud, just like Steven. Sometimes you need that love in your face, surrounding you so that it is the only thing you can see, for you to be able to let it in. 

The hug didn’t fix everything! That’s the big thing. The hug was a pure, beautiful moment, but I don’t believe it was meant to be a plot device to try to fix everything. Everyone was still emotional, he still destroyed things, he scared people, he scared himself. That wasn’t all magically fixed because of the hug. But his resolve to do the work, get help, and accept what happened to him - that is what made him go from Worm Steven to Boy Steven.

And afterward, we seen Steven has grown. He hasn’t morphed, his hair hasn’t changed, he’s not pink. But he’s grown mentally. He’s communicating more making plans, his disposition has changed.

Previously on this post, I said“ I don’t like that they called what he had a meltdown (again, I vouch that it was a gem version of a panic attack)” However, I learned that this is actually a really good term to describe what Steven experienced, and as a person in my ask box (@a2Ieep) noted, could be relevant to the headcanon/idea that Steven is autistic, or at least autistic-coded, as well as his PTSD or cPTSD. None of us can diagnose Steven but that also means I shouldn’t just pass off terminology like that! I realized it gave people who self-identify as autistic, the same feelings it gave me as I struggle with panic and anxiety. While we surmise different meanings from the meltdown, it was a meltdown. We all feel so touched by it, and Steven’s meltdown felf like a panic attack to me, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a meltdown, and that it can’t be meaningful to someone else with autism or PTSD. Steven’s meltdown is just as meaningful to someone who has autism or PTSD, as it is to me with panic attacks. Erasure of someone else’s feelings on my part was not okay, regardless of my intent or my own strength of different feelings. Plus, it was his choice to use that term. I just want to make it clear that at first I didn’t like the term, but it is actually a really important term to use. I didn’t expect the post to blow up like this, so I wanted to make this edit known and seen as it’s a really important of this post. Thank you to everyone for understanding! And thank you to @tentacrocacles @transtistic @satoshigekk0uga @mercurialmeditator @possumpiebruh and @a2leep for sharing their feelings ans thoughts with me, which helped me to realize this and investigate and alter my own sentiments!

but YALL STEVEN HAS A THERAPIST NOW! He’s is not only getting the help that he needs, he is showing that he is going to continue needing this help, and that’s okay! He’s making plans to visit people, to go see the world, on his own terms! 

 He’s scared and sad of leaving the gems, and it’s also time to leave the gems. It’s time to move on, and be a new Steven.

We’ve seen a lot of Stevens the past few weeks. But Steven driving off past the Big Donut into the night was my favorite Steven. That was vulnerable Steven. That was Steven doing the work to be himself, to exist with his feelings and the ways he had acted, and the things he had gone through. That was my boy. Steven Universe.

When I saw my mom for the first time while I was in the hospital, the first thing she did was give me a big hug (I was a blubbering mess, of course). But it wasn’t just that my mom was giving me a hug. She was telling me she was there for me, she loved me, she was telling me she would stay up on the phone with me as long as the doctors would let me, she would drive 3 ½ hours from our home in Michigan to the hospital in Ohio at a moments notice (I went to school in Ohio and went to the hospital there too before coming home). That hug was her forcing me to see that she was there for me, even if I didn’t believe it, or didn’t want to believe it.

So yeah, Steven got a hug. But it was a lot more than a hug, okay? Take my word for it

[mistressofchaosblog]

PJO/HOO characters as tweets of Conan Gray pt. 2

Piper:

Octavian:

Frank:

Literally any demigod to ever exist:

Grover:

Polyphemus (is that how you spell his name?):

Will:

Annabeth:

Nico:

[mistressofchaosblog]

Zeus: I'm doing a complete 360

Apollo: Don't you mean 180?

Zeus: Nope I'm back on my bullshit

[mistressofchaosblog]

You know what, think of how Gabe warned Percy to not get a scratch on his car and while Paul was so excited when he saw the pegasus prints on the Prius

[mistressofchaosblog]

Headcannon that Nico grows to become a splitting image of Maria especially when his hair reached his shoulders, he looked exactly like his mother, like he had her nose, her lips and her cheekbones, he's basically a copy of her, in the best possible way.

[mistressofchaosblog]

😂😂😂

[mistressofchaosblog]

...😂girlllll

My crush replied to my Insta story with : 😍

he replied to ten other girls' story with the same thing. Focus on yourself queen

[mistressofchaosblog]

the murder weapon they discarded after murdering someone important to them.

A character finds something they thought they got rid of ages ago

[mistressofchaosblog]

[mistressofchaosblog]

Azula

[Prints here]

[mistressofchaosblog]

THIS

a big fuckin mood I found on twitter

[mistressofchaosblog]

Educate yourself.

[mistressofchaosblog]

Whoa... love this

Day 6: Melancholy

Kate looked out the window, with a lifeless gaze. The sky was cloudy that evening, and days like that always immersed her in the river of sad memories she can never escape.

She was only a child when it happened, but she still remembers every detail vividly. What she remembers best is the strange smell in the air, as if it was announcing the arrival of something terrible. Then, the screams. Hundreds of witches shouting in horror at the sight of what they knew would be their end. The ones who weren’t frozen by fear started muttering different spells in hopes that they would be able stop the curse or, at the very least, escape. However, there wasn’t enough time to stop it, and only the fastest ones managed to escape. That day, Kate was walking through those woods with her family. She was next to her mother and her sister, but her father was too far away for them to reach in time. She will never forget her mother’s face when the woman understood what she had to do. She took her and her sister’s hands and teleported them away from there, to a safe place. The last thing the kid saw was his father being eaten by that green wave.

Only when death couldn’t touch them her mother allowed herself to cry. At the time, Kate didn’t understand what was happening, but she felt really scared. And watching her mother break down like that, being a woman who was rarely startled by anything, only enhanced that feeling.

“Where is dad?” Kate’s voice was trembling.

Her mother started sobbing even more. Finally, drying her tears with the sleeves of her shirt, she answered “He’s not coming back. Most of them aren’t coming back”. Kate’s world broke down in that exact moment.

[mistressofchaosblog]

random asks ♡

how are you feeling right now?

what’s the weather like?

are you impulsive?

are you organised?

are you self confident?

are you sensitive?

what’s something you love about yourself?

what’s something you hate about yourself?

do you have any pets?

do you have any regrets?

do you have any siblings?

what do you think comes after life?

what colour is your water bottle?

have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

do you have any piercings/would you want to?

do you believe in aliens?

do you believe in ghosts?

do you believe in karma?

do you believe in astrology?

do you believe in luck?

what is/was your favourite subject in school?

what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

what do you do in your free time?

what do you do under stress?

who/what do you turn to to vent?

spicy, sweet or savoury?

what’s your favourite drink?

what’s your favourite cuisine?

what song is currently stuck in your head?

what are you wearing right now?

what’s your favourite time of day?

who do you trust the most?

do you trust anyone completely?

would you ever want to get married?

would you ever want children?

do you have any allergies?

do you hate anyone?

what’s your favourite colour and why?

what is your relationship with your family like?

what is your middle name?

what word do you think you say the most often?

do you miss anyone right now?

do you like making art?

do you believe in the death penalty?

do you follow routines/plans easily?

growing up, what did you want to do in life?

what is your favourite album?

what’s something you’re grateful for?

what’s a food you hate?

would you rather lose your legs or arms?

what is the most important thing to you right now?

what’s the last dream you remember having?

do you believe in soulmates/true love?

what is your favourite word?

would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

what are/were you like in school?

who’s the last person you talked to?

what would your perfect day be like?

where is a place that you’d love to visit?

what is your main goal in life?

do you exercise often?

do you play any sports?

do you play any instruments?

what is your earliest memory?

if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

what kind of person annoys you the most?

what is your biggest pet peeve?

what’s your favourite number?

have you ever been in love?

do you collect anything?

what is your deepest fear?

have you ever met anyone famous?

cats or dogs?

warm, cool or neon colours?

how do you deal with loneliness?

what’s your favourite animal?

what’s your favourite disney movie?

would you rather freeze or burn to death?

what are some of your bad habits?

what do you do when you’re angry?

what is something that you’d want to learn?

what’s your favourite insect?

what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

what are your thoughts on your name?

what’s your favourite name?

would you rather go back or forward in time?

what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

what’s your favourite mythical creature?

do you believe in love at first sight?

what is something you’re currently worried about?

what was your childhood like?

how long do you usually sleep for?

what hairstyle do you have right now?

if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

what genre of music do you listen to the most?

where do you come from?

do you curse/swear often?

what is the meaning of life?

[mistressofchaosblog]

ADDICT (Music Video) - HAZBIN HOTEL

Till death do us part But we're already past that phase This is a brand new start And I think I deserve some praiseFor the way that I am Despite having overdosed And ending up comatose I don't give a damn I've let my emotions go Fuck being a sober hoe

[mistressofchaosblog]

We're going to make it, I said like a fool. Once again I had broken the first law of Percy Jackson, never say something is going to work out, because as soon as you do it wont. it was Deja Ghoul all over again

Lester Papadopoulos AKA Apollo, Trials of Apollo the Tyrants Tomb