monsterkid-sketchbook

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

I want to be split in two. So that one half may carry all of my disability, depression, and dissatisfaction and the other half may live in a way I've always wanted to.

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

Do you ever just think about the fact that trans and on some level non-binary people don't exist as themselves until they receive the necessary treatments to treat their gender dysphoria. Like they are an entire shell of a person without an ego relevant to the expressions of their superego or Id. Meaning they have to mirror their social surroundings until they find a safe enough place to learn, grow and receive care. Granted this might also be THE trauma response when it comes to behavior based traumas. Losing personhood to guarantee the ability to people please, by learning and mirroring another's behavior. But also maintaining the desire for self and bodily preservation through the Id.

And what makes it even worse is that the healthcare system is both not that place and forcibly that place, because they're the ones doling out the care and the stamps saying who is worthy of it. Which makes the entire issue a systemic one as the reason healthcare is unsafe is because of its current need for homeostasis due to the professional shortage and wage theft. As they themselves have to fight to convince the business owners of the hospital that they are people and need care as well, Not just automatons. Which just backlogs the needs of patients to a warfare triage system that is relatively broken in a standard civil emergency triage. As it doesn't take the necessary accounts of how mental health impacts a person and how the issue really is the systematic inefficiency and ineffectiveness of the current medical system and not the patient for keeping control over themselves. When they had little control to begin with. This is again exacerbated when you factor in the likelihood of trans people also being neurodivergent or disabled, having substance abuse problems, or other addictions. Which, having such often bars you or the comorbidities bar you form being a candidate of gender affirming care.

Not to mention, but even if you are one of the some given care they will replace the socially unacceptable or physically unacceptable behaviors with mindfulness behaviors that take longer amounts of time to do the same or similar things that the previous behaviors did. Which is further compounded by the wait times due to the standards of care policies and, 'you guessed it,' the systematic issues with the healthcare system. Meaning those mindfulness techniques, just like drugs, slowly become more ineffective as time goes on. And since time is guaranteed to go on for at least 2-3 years. It really feels like a wonder that more trans people aren't dead or in psychiatric wards more often.

A large part of the treatment is the reconnection of ego and superego, ego and Id. Ego and Id is really easy, I live for myself and my true self is my ego. Bing, bang, boom, reconnected by mantra. But reconnecting your ego with your super ego is like pulling teeth. As many different mentally ill things can and will happen. Like a dependence on apoptotic behaviors to physically, metaphysically or meta-contextually remove your old way of thinking and living. Something that if it is not done with therapeutically can get really dangerous and really suicidal really fast. There is also the fact the first people that truly see your ego and superego working as intended and engage with it will feel like cocaine to your brain and you will want to spend every waking moment with them due to the actual safety they provide. Which, again, can quickly become unsafe due to relationship dynamics and mental illness. This continued connection also brings intensifying dysphoria as your physical existence is once again not lining up with your conceptual existence. Except this time you don't have the reliable avenue of isolating your ego from the rest of your psyche. Which again brings depression and suicide as their symptoms and with e medical system maintaining that you stick to mindfulness techniques it can become a daily spiraling problem.

All of this to say, things blow, I suck and my antidepressants need to be raised or my HRT changed to progesterone.

Goodnight!

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

Nonsensical Rant

You give me anxiety, why do you give me anxiety? Is it because you're new and I don't want this to fizzle out like relationships and friendships of my past, so I'm getting the urge to be the one that ruins the potentiality by relying on the antisocial nature of autism to become a self sabotaging excuse? Or am I just so frazzled by the fact that someone other than family is showing an interest in me for the sole reason of want, instead of conversational niceties? Should I just be a hermit and meet you up north, as you described in your training for humanitarian medical aid? It would give a relative time, date and reason for meeting and I wouldn't have to describe the amount of disappointment I have for myself and my failure at Centennial. I'm dying in my habits, stifled as much as comforted by them. I have spent days upon weeks awake at night talking to literally no one because of this very issue. I do it currently and will do it tomorrow. I cannot live with myself because I am too disappointed and angry with myself, so I distract myself every waking moment so I don't succumb to the selfishness of myself and the want for relief, eternal relief. So how do I push through into this relationship alkie with the embryos pushing through the shell. My pip upon my social development. Or am I still within the egg, a trans embryo of personhood. What then is the true merit of realization alone?

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

Send the Fishermen - Caamp - Boys (side B)

I'm Bo yo - Bo Burnham - Bo Burnham

Fading to Grey - The Nonstick Pans - Nineteen Sixty Four

I Can Always Say I Tried - Pepper Coyote - Muh

Sorry - James and The Shame - Human Overboard

Hey eyeone! I want to know what your favorite songs are, if you see this post you are CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED to reblog with at least 1 song you have listened to and enjoyed but if you have more you'd like to share then go ahead! Also tag your friends!

I'll start, I'm going to list 5 of my favorite songs

Dr Sunshine Is Dead by Will Wood

134340 Pluto by Cojum Dip

Vulture by Bear ghost

Dear John by I monster

And finally: playing places: Oceans by Cosmo Sheldrake

Here's the people I want to tag

@f4y3w00d5 @ashen-the-tiefling @terrencetheshark14 @underpaid-guard @blacktipreefsharkwizard @the-gnomish-bastard @thatgayforkcrow @lixorloveslicorice @yourlocalbreadenthusiast @agentldiddy @aileaxthevoidien @slutty-wizard-council @monsterfucker-research-wizard and anyone else who wants to play!!!

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

I makea da pixels. Handmade pixels froma my kitchen. yummy yummy. (Im not Italian, just wierd :) )

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

I don't want to be alive anymore. I very much put it out of my mind that I was a marginated person. A person who's rights and privileges are worth taking away, a person who is worth killing given the correct negotiation of morality or divinity. As anyone who finds themselves there, I told myself I would fight if those who would seek me, and those like me, dead were upon my doorstep.

Well they've been here, for a while. I've no time to mend wounds. to grapple reality. Once again they march upon the halls of legislature and I, no choice but to fight. Unhealed, Unrested, Unsupported most of all.

Supported are those whose allies read their manuscripts and manifestos. Supported are those who's ideas and reasoning's bounce from ear to head to mouth. Supported are those who stand arm and arm in principle. Supported are those who come to fight rested and healed for their burden has been shared, much more their spirits lifted. Supported I seldom feel, Yet I fight for those who seldom support me. Thus oftly created Is the desire for death. A martyrdom, a plight reckoned with and lost

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

I feel like I am floating in space. A purgatory perhaps ; beyond the reaches of any planets, only to observe the warmth of the closest stars. Still worlds are visible, telescopically taunting the tenacity of my psyche. Ever-present, time stuck, vestiges and visages, of theory known and experience that banishes to my perdition ever floating.

I comprehend the systems, the layman's concept of creation: Mass shall beget Gravity, Gravity shall beget Energy, Energy shall beget Motion, Thusly, Motion is the Outcome, measurable by its impact Energy is the Conduit, measurable by its charge Gravity is the Field, measurable by its characteristics and Mass is the Substance, measurable by its weight

So begins a cycle, Masses becomes Motions, Motions decay to Masses. This applies to all fields of science the only discrepancy being, the nature of the timeline. Eonic, Astronomic, Geologic? Historical, Biological, Generational?

Am I, to all this? To all this, I am,

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

This meme is inescapable on French insta so I'm posting it here for all to enjoy

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

A medusa piece I did in March - April. I was hoping for it to end up as a tattoo but I have yet to hear back from the parlor and it's now August.

[monsterkid-sketchbook]

This conveys the weird feeling of protection from the outside world the night gives. I might be projecting, however the moon in the plate armor gives the feeling the night gives where one is protected from expectation and the game rules of societal expectation of behavior. This protection allows one to be totally engrossed into what one is doing, watching or experiencing without remorse. But it ultimately pierced by the realization or expectation of daylight, as a Longsword pierces plate armor. Which is to say unexpectedly, almost as if the armor itself was a facade, A show, a comfort to be worn, but never truly relied on. This too is reflected in the hands of the character showing the 'as above so below'. Potentially showing that unless the structure of expectations of the day changes the true armor of the night will never be anything but show.

Night.