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I don't generally consider my birth experience traumatic, but I do notice that I'm unwilling to read this book because I don't want to think about the night my son was born.

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I love this.

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It's not the feeling so much as it's the aloneness in a feeling that feels so bad.

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I think this is a great invitation to nuance!

Shame does not and never will improve executive function. Very often, shame is so paralyzing that we end up doing nothing for fear of doing it "wrong".

And.

Childhood is a (relatively) protected time for learning the skills we will need in adulthood. Allowing a child to enter adulthood without those skills and fail at work instead of school is not, in my view, especially kind parenting.

For a young child, I would probably just pack the bag myself, maybe having the child help me talk through a checklist or even just putting the things into the bag as I hand them over--so they're involved but not being made responsible for something that is beyond their ability.

As they moved into an age where they might be able to handle the task of remembering what they need, I would aim for progressive independence. This might look like...

child tells me what to pack and I remind them of things they're missing

child packs the bag independently but I check it before leaving

child packs independently but I will bring things to school if they're needed

We discuss in advance that I will stop bringing things to school, but they can ask for help remembering anything especially important. I stop bringing things to school and when the child forgets something, I respond without shame: "I'm sorry, it must have sucked not to have X! I don't like when I forget things either. Should we come up with a strategy to make it easier to remember next time?"

The the goal here is to help the child make those mistakes that are so critical to learning before something like a job or important experience or friendship is on the line. I still forget stuff constantly as an adult, but I have some skills and systems around how to avoid it for the most important stuff.

Maybe that process will happen over weeks, maybe over years. Either way, we do not have to choose between letting our children flounder now and later. We can be the bridge to the skills they need for life.

Well this sure hit me like a ton of bricks

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Feels crazy how normal it is to start a conversation with younger acquaintances who are students by asking about their grades when I would never make small talk with a working adult by asking about their performance appraisal

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My toddler screaming, throwing things, and refusing food/bath/naps/etc. is overstimulating on its own, but I notice that a lot of what makes these things stressful is my own fears:

Am I doing this wrong? Am I failing? Will it be like this forever?

Even though I know these are normal parts of growing, it's hard not to feel anxious and judged in the moment. The best I can do is:

He's good, I'm good, and we're in this tough moment together.

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Here's the mantra I started using with my son back when he was a little baby with bouts of inconsolable crying:

You are safe, you are loved, you are good.

Sometimes I expand on it:

You are safe even when you're not in my arms, you are loved even when you can't see me, you are good all the time, no matter what.

If he's not calming down after that, I can keep going:

You are good when you're asleep, and you're good when you're awake; you're good when you're sad and you're good when you're happy; you're good when you eat a lot and you're good when you don't eat; you're good when you're crying and you're good when you're playing; you're good when it's tough for you to go to sleep and act nicely; you're good all the time, no matter what.

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I know this is silly but earnestly: how is a little person with terrible coordination supposed to catch bugs on this? Little kid bug catching kits should come with good, long, lightweight nets.

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Packing for a trip and silly wordplay got the best of me:

At least when my son hates me at 15, I'll have the pleasure of knowing I deserve it.

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good bones by maggie smith saturday . give it up for good bones by maggie smith saturday

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It turns out that actually standing by "men and women are not inherently very different" is a reliable way to bother absolutely everyone. Left or right, cis or trans, feminist or misogynist, all cling to the binary for dear life.

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I'm really pleased that I'm getting better at leaning into my own rhythms, including my hyperfixations.

For example, it's JULY and I've just finished the bulk of the valentines for my son's daycare next year. Why? Because I had broken crayons, an idea, and the drive. If I had waited until a more appropriate time, I likely would have been overwhelmed and ended up buying some plastic crap that annoyed me and didn't fit my values as well.

(exciting side note: I already had these plastic bags that came with my popsicle mold, so this was a net zero plastic project and only cost me the heart mold and my time)

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For me, early parenthood was a radical lesson in learning to accept help.

We all have seasons of life where we have to take more than we can give; it's not a failure and you're not obligated to limit the help you accept because you can't reciprocate. You will have some future season where it is your turn to give more, and you can trust yourself to answer the call when it's time.

If you are in a season of receiving, know that gifts support relationships, and it requires participation by both the giver and the recipient to make that magic happen. Receiving with gratitude is a gift as well.

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I promised myself postpartum that I wouldn't try to have another child without reading my journal first, so today I dug it out.

Here's some of what I see:

Early in pregnancy, pregnancy broke me down enough to be both excited and suspicious when I felt mostly okay for two consecutive days

A lot of bitterness about people expecting me to feel excited when from my perspective, there were so many unknowns that the absolute best I could do was "tentatively optimistic"

Angst about how much people wanted us to find out the sex of our baby

Fear of forgetting who I was before children or how hard it felt

Trouble carving out space in my life for a person who wasn't there yet

"I'm drowning"

"I can't believe that I'm bringing a baby into this world that feels so uncertain right now."

Trying to rationalize myself out of PPD

"he's starting to make sounds that aren't crying"

Breastfeeding felt endless and awful

Bitterness about people expecting me to express unmitigated joy and love when I was struggling postpartum

"I'm really starting to delight in [the baby]"

Learning to accept help and support

"today I baked for fun"

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My son is not yet 2 years old, so here's some of the way I model an understanding of consent for him:

I don't force food in his mouth. I let him feed himself, and I'll offer him a loaded spoon but wait for him to show interest.

I try* to get him to voluntarily participate in things like brushing his teeth, getting in the car, getting ready for bed, etc.

I practice offering an explanation when I do have to force the things above, like "I'm sorry, you don't want me to brush your teeth right now. It's my job to keep you healthy, so we're still going to do it. But I know it still stinks."

Although I let him give me his food or feed me sometimes, I also say "no thank you" and wave my hand in front of my mouth when I'm done or I don't want whatever it is. He keeps trying for a moment, but I just repeat myself and stay upbeat. Sometimes he gets frustrated with this, and that's okay! That's exactly what we're building skills around!

Lately, sometimes I even model changing my mind, leaning in and then saying, "oh, no thank you"

*by making a game out of it, singing a song etc.

These are tiny things. They're easy. That's the point.

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Some people: "Ugh, I hate how my friend totally changed after having a kid, it's like they're allergic to fun now."

Similar people: "What's with these people bringing babies to brunch? I don't want to hear babies here, stay at home."