morganicandlocal

[morganicandlocal]

thinking about how i have not yet met all the people i will love and the people who will love me!!!!!!! there’s so much love to give and receive, it’s the best kind of overwhelming!!!!!

[morganicandlocal]

i’ve been crying a lot lately. i’m crying right now actually. i don’t really like to cry and it’s not something i’ve done much of since I’ve been on antidepressants. some people hate that about antidepressants, that they make you feel less. i love it. i’m not sure my body could cope with all of my feelings unmedicated.

emma reminded me one night while i was weeping on the kitchen floor (because i was too hungry to think and i had just hit my head on the corner of the fridge and i had a hard day at work and we had just dropped a heartbroken friend off at the airport after too short of a visit and my period was about to start) that crying is a regulatory activity and even if i hate it, it will put me back in my body where i belong. i don’t really like my body, i don’t take very good care of it, i’m not sure it’s good for anything except housing all of my thoughts and feelings, most of which are harsh and unforgiving.

emma told me she loved me. she offered many perfectly good dinner options for me even though she wasn’t hungry. i whined petulantly and cried a little harder at every suggestion until buttered noodles. she offered her protein pasta for me to use. she gave me ideas to add fiber. i shook my head no. she said “that’s okay!” i insisted i could make it myself through a choked sob from my residence on the cold floor when she pulled out a pot and bag of pasta. she filled the pot with water and added a molly baz approved amount of diamond crystal kosher salt and said, “i’ll just start it and let you do the rest.”

i am at my parents’ house now, trying to get my 16 year old senile family dog to be near me for more than just the incentive of a slice of turkey from the fridge. i give him the turkey anyway and he walks away when i no longer offer anything practical to him. i hear my laundry spinning in the dryer. i have a washer and dryer in my apartment building but my mom thinks it’s silly to spend 3 dollars in quarters for one load of laundry. so, i spend my saturdays here and do my laundry for free.

my dad is in the garage. he’s replacing the struts on my car. i’m not totally sure what that means or why it needs to be done, but he does and i guess that’s all that matters for now. i called him crying weeks ago after my oil change at midas to tell him they said i needed $5000 of repairs. he didn’t offer me much comfort, just asked me to send him the quote. I did and we looked at it together. he told me he could fix all of it for less than $800. he told me i could send him money whenever. i half-joked through my pending tears and said, “i’d be bankrupt without ya.”

i think my recent tears are mostly good. i think they are reminding me of how loved i am. it’s easy to overlook practical love. i certainly overlooked it when i was younger. practical love shows up in such subtle ways and i’m feeling really grateful that my brain has been picking up on those ways lately. my best friend makes sure that i meet my own basic needs when i’m incapable of doing so myself. my dad sacrifices his saturdays to save me money. my sister in law finds home decor on facebook marketplace in my city that she does not even live in and sends me the link. my mom says that she’s glad i went to urgent care for that health concern i had and that she’ll split the copay with me.

i think my tendency towards hyper-independence and self sufficiency is slowly being suffocated by my realization of the practical love that surrounds me.

[morganicandlocal]

No Bull, 32”x36”

crochet tapestry, original design by Stevie Shao, made for crochet by me!!

[morganicandlocal]

Gay Bunnies in Love, 24”x16”

crochet tapestry designed by me! 3D elements added to the neck and tail of the bunnies.

[morganicandlocal]

I want carmy from the bear in every conceivable way

[morganicandlocal]

Nothing Matters, 24”x14”

crochet tapestry designed by me, inspired by my favorite movie Everything Everywhere All At Once

[morganicandlocal]

Taking Flight, 25”x25”

crochet tapestry designed by me, bordered with a granny square frame.

[morganicandlocal]

frances ha lovers wya

[morganicandlocal]

singing the outro to all american bitch by olivia rodrigo in front of my mirror everyday as a self affirmation