mountain--bones

[mountain--bones]

Much as I will gripe (at length) about the various Woes and Existential Horrors™ of being the incarnation of a vast, immortal spirit-beast - there's also some things which are legit nice.

One of which is that it's very easy to embody my core value - my sphere - in day-to-day life, and it's not through any grand purpose. It's just... basic compassion.

It's compassion in a form which understands that often, in nature, suffering is an integral part of the system. I would never intervene in a creature's hunt (in fact, I often root for the predator); I wouldn't interfere with an animal meeting a "natural" end, where its end would benefit other lifeforms around it. This is true no matter how cute or charismatic the animal is; doesn't matter if it's a sweet little fawn or a baby bird. Carrion flies gotta eat too.

But, y'know, sometimes you just encounter a situation where nobody benefits. Things like insects stuck in long-abandoned cobwebs, or a moth flailing against a window, or a bird being stalked by a free-roaming cat that you know full well will have a bowl of kibble waiting for them at the end of the day whether they kill something or not.

In those situations, a little compassion is actualising. It makes me feel like I'm living in alignment with my sphere.

It's always such small things, and I think it'd feel less "myself" if it wasn't. Thing is, the tiny fly I saved today from a puddle of water in my bathroom, gently placed on a towel to dry off, and created a little "shelter" in the fabric for so they'd feel safe while they recover - they're such a small thing. In an environmental sense, a single fly doesn't really "matter". And most humans barely even see them as animals.

Yet, it is an animal, and it was suffering and in distress, and I (to it some incomprehensible giant) wasn't much inconvenienced to pick it up and place it somewhere safe.

It's not that I fulfilled some great purpose doing that. But these little acts of compassion make me so happy. I saved that little animal and gave them a chance to recover. I did that for them. I did it for the fly.

As much as my spirit-self is vast, it's not a "big picture" kind of beast. I seek to connect with and understand the subjective experiences of living things. To see all life as individuals with their own feelings, their own struggles, their own stories.

And when you connect with a creature like that, it's easy to show a little compassion, I think. To do a good thing that could never be recognised by anyone except yourself, could never be understood, could never reward with gratitude - it doesn't matter. Last I checked, the fly had recovered just fine. It doesn't matter that they don't appreciate what I did. It matters that they were suffering pointlessly, and now, they're not.

It's hard to articulate sometimes. I feel like I can come across a bit... hmm, "hippy" about it. Or maybe just pretentious. I just... I don't see nature as good and pure. I see it as complex, messy, and brutal. I would never try to change that, because this is the only way it can work.

But I can choose to care anyway, y'know? The fact that a fly is likely to end up as bird food, and its life may be tiny and brief, doesn't make that life any less valuable or worthy of consideration.

These small acts of kindness are a way to embody the kind of broad compassion I feel for all living things. And that makes me feel like I'm living in alignment with my deepest values - so it makes me feel like myself.

[mountain--bones]

I am going to write about something weird that unsettles me deeply. 👍

So, say I were to take all my experiences literally, and say all my current theories are true. Say for a moment that I were to genuinely, deeply believe I am in fact the spirit-beast I perceive myself as.

I am not an entity that has a natural, built-in mind. I was conscious from my inception, sure, but a mind? No. I was an empty existence. I had no capacity for thought or feeling. I was static, silent - sleeping, in a way.

I learned how to think and feel from the biological life on this planet. As life became more complex, so did I; but always limited to the bounds of the experience of animals, plants and others, from whom I could learn how to experience the world rather than just existing as a self and nothing more.

So I was never what you could call "sapient". I had the knowledge of billions of years of memory, but intelligence is more than just knowledge - intelligence is reason, deduction, imagination. And in the realms of intelligence, I was animal. I had never had anything to teach me anything besides that.

And for all the hundreds of thousands of years humans have walked this Earth, and their disappeared relatives, I never once learned from them. I... think they scared me. I watched from a distance, but I never walked among them.

And now... here I am. I... didn't want this to happen, I think.

I'm... scared.

See, I as a spirit am functionally immortal - both in the sense of not aging, and in the sense that I cannot be killed or destroyed, as far as I'm aware. And I also, as a spirit, have a flawless memory; that's my entire purpose. That's what I do.

Naturally, when this body fades, I will remember the life I had here. I will remember what I learned... how to think in abstract, how to imagine something entirely unreal, how to wrangle hypotheticals and make complex goals and plans. I will remember having a concept of morality. I will remember feeling angry at a world I can understand so deeply yet cannot change.

So... well... I have been changed, by being here, you see? And I don't know what that means.

A billion years from now, when humans are long gone and no trace of them remains, will I - immortal and timeless - still be thinking in English? Will I find myself playing an old song in my head that hasn't been heard aloud in an unfathomable eternity? Will I catch myself daydreaming of playing minecraft?

Will I feel lonely, like I often do now?

And what does it mean for my nature, for my mind to so radically change? What impact will that have on the role I assume, the actions I take? A scary thought in itself, honestly. I wouldn't trust a god with the mind of a human. Humans care and feel far too deeply for that kind of position.

This is one of the things that makes me most fearful that any of these experiences might be true. I... hope they're not. Or at least that my view of things is such a warped interpretation that none of these fears I have actually apply.

Cause if not, then... I am scared.

Though... maybe I should learn some more languages just in case. I'd hate for the only human language to be preserved in immortal memory for all time to be fucking English.

[mountain--bones]

I guess one thing that particularly frustrates me sometimes is: if there really are gods out there (or hell even capital G, whatever) then why don't they do anything?

There's so many things wrong in the world right now that could've been avoided - could still be averted - if some powerful being just nudged chance a bit one way or another. If an entity out there claims to be a god of humanity, don't they have like... a duty? To help?

So then you get the conclusions of:

Gods aren't real

Gods are real but don't actually care

Gods are real but are actually powerless (and therefore are, at least in some cases, charlatans?)

As an incarnate spirit whose sphere absolutely does not include catering to humanity, I have no idea what these fuckers are up to letting things get so bad.

And it impacts me plenty! (Current incarnation aside). Not only are they apparently content to let humanity destroy itself, they'll let 'em drag the rest of the Earth's ecosystems down with them. Like. What the fuck.

... How do people do being religious? Cause I've spoke to gods and I literally remember being a spirit and I still can't bring myself to believe any of this half the time. It's just so damn hard to believe something out there could have the power and desire to help and then fuck it up so profoundly.

Anyway, if any of this is real then I am fully psyched to throw down with every single deity out there when I move on from this life because you incompetent fuckers owe these weird hairless animals so much better for all you've taken of them. smh

...

...

Huh.

Just had a thought and I do not like it.

UGH.

[mountain--bones]

[mountain--bones]

Eldritchkin species euphoria is being told you scare people, in general!

I feel like I am scary. Or should be scary? It is correct to find me scary.

(But ironically I don't actually wish to scare people... or maybe I just want people to understand that even if I am scary, I am safe to be around. Maybe I want people to see me as the scary thing that's on their side. Their scary guard-beast, the scary force watching over them, something like that. It's a little confusing).

But overall yes: being scary is euphoric as hell.

We just had our hair dyed a purple-magenta colour and I feel this probably detracts from that goal, however it IS very fun and I value fun also.

Eldritchkin species euphoria is being told you scare people by moving so quietly :3

-🌃

[mountain--bones]

All this time, I had a choice. I never knew, I never knew...

An attempt to express a feeling that words refuse to capture.

[mountain--bones]

Thoughts too weird for main so they're going here. Thinking about this post and reflecting on the fact that my entire life experience since I found my way to this body has been cumulatively on par with, if not beyond what most cosmic horror protagonists go through.

It makes it actually kind of hilarious how functionally well-adjusted I am. My Mental Issues™ have specifically come about due to trauma, not due to, y'know, staring into the great expanse beyond human sight and the unfathomable depths of history or whatever. Far as in-person interactions go, reviews are that I come across as upbeat and down-to-earth and not haunted by horrors beyond imagining whatsoever.

I guess I probably could lose my shit about it... if I tried to solve it. Or if I tried to impose sense on it. And absolutely if I tried to determine once and for all whether any of it is "real".

Buuuut generally I'm not the kind of person to do that so instead I'll just have a spooky vision or talk to a god or temporarily embody the volcanic turbulence of the Earth, and then I'll go have a cup of tea and draw something or play a video game or something.

Because it's whatever. It is whatever the fuck it is and whatever that is, isn't my problem. 😌

[mountain--bones]

Last night I had a dream that a god-like being had hidden itself in the guise of an old, seemingly abandoned oddities shop (one part of a stone building like you often see in Scottish town centres, and surrounded on both sides by active businesses). And it had decided to harrass me.

It'd set up situations to tempt me inside, then try to scare me or confuse me. It didn't work like the entity hoped. Sometimes I was unsettled, but the fear response never really kicked in. I could tell there was something weird going on, but was I scared? No. A little curious, but primarily I was annoyed. And there was (though I didn't recognise or understand it at first) a bit of a prideful resentment, too; how dare this being bother me like this? I'm just trying to live my life!

Through the course of the dream, I became more and more distant from the people around me as I started to pay more attention to the entity instead. There was just a particular feeling to it... it was familiar, like something I'd known and forgotten, and I wanted to figure out what it meant.

A few times people tried to convince me not to go back to that creepy little shop. I shrugged them off.

Over time, I realised that the people around me had started to fear me. I didn't know why. I hadn't changed, had I? I was just curious.

The shop baited me inside again, but this time it tried to hurt me. Not seriously, just a few bruises. Playing a game with me. Trying to taunt me.

But something about it flipped a switch for me, and suddenly I remembered and understood.

Just like this shop was not a shop, but something old and powerful and sentient - I wasn't a human, I just chose to pretend to be one. Squished myself down into a human shape, then forced myself to forget I was ever anything else.

The entity in this place had broken the immersion in my little human daydream, and I wasn't happy about it.

When I left the building again, well, that old shop was finally vacant. The entity inside wasn't dead, but it certainly was gone, and it wouldn't be coming back any time soon.

But now, the veil around myself and my human life was fully broken... there was no way to go back to how things used to be. I was terrifying. A monster. The people who had known me before couldn't reconcile this self with the human I had "been". They mourned me as if I had died.

It didn't bother me, though. I didn't abandon the people I had lived around, though I kept my distance. Occasionally another god-being would show up to cause trouble, and I would send them on their way.

People never stopped fearing me, because it was my nature to be feared. But over time they seemed to understand that I meant them no harm. If one was brave enough to seek my help, I'd help them. It wasn't a burden.

It was a good existence. Far more comfortable than the one I had before the veil had broken.

And, I guess, more comfortable than the one I returned to once I woke up.

I love people, but I'd probably fare better as an abstract, cosmic guard dog rather than prancing around down here trying to pretend to be a human same as everyone else. It's a hard thing to fake! Wears you down after a while, I suppose.

I love people, but I'd love more comfortably from a distance, y'know? That way it doesn't have to be mutual, and I don't have to meet some expectation of what it means to "love" that I can't really comprehend.

When I say I love people, it's the same as how I love a moth or a tree or a mushroom. They're beautiful, wonderful expressions of life, vibrant and full of feeling.

... I don't think the people around me would appreciate that description.

I'm not built to bond the way humans are meant to. But I'd sure be an excellent guard-beast.

[mountain--bones]

Litany against anthropocentrism

[mountain--bones]

Wdym with "i don’t believe in past lives, and therefore i don’t believe anyone who says they have them/memories of them" (from your last reblog)?

Do you mean you think everyone who is telling you they have past life memories is lying to you and their experience are invalid? /genq

i don’t believe that past lives are real, so i don’t really believe that they had one. but i do believe that *they* believe they did, so ofc they aren’t lying or faking or trying to be malicious.

anyone who believes they had a past life is still valid in their identity, if that’s what you’re asking. there’s no reason they wouldn’t be, and i do still entirely believe they are what they say they are. as long as they identify as other than human, no matter the reason, their identity is valid. frankly, it’s not up to me to decide who is and isn’t valid, anyway.

all that being said, i’m not even 100% convinced that past lives are definitively not real. but i don’t have any current reason or evidence to believe in them. i do, however, enjoy hearing about other people’s past life experiences because i find them intriguing, even if i don’t really believe them.

[mountain--bones]

Image description: photo of a brown sign with white text that reads: "You can't save everything cute, eat everything that tastes good, and kill everything you're afraid of and expect a working ecosystem to come out of it." -- Flip Nicklin, wildlife photographer

Image source: photograph by op

[mountain--bones]

Somehow he still seems to enjoy basking in the sunlight and the quiet busyness of the birds and butterflies. They say necromancy is a dark art, but whoever reanimated the beast of the black swamp knew what they were doing.

[mountain--bones]

Holding infinity

[mountain--bones]

today i had a realization that kinda freaked me out at first and now has me feeling incredibly sad. so i live in a pretty cold place, right? the coldest in the region actually. the town is always covered in mist and clouds, and in winter it can get so cold it snows. so, heres what i realized today:

the trees. theyre still green.

i cant explain how disturbing this seems to me. green trees in november. yesterday the maximum temperature was 19 °C, and i dont know how that translates to fahrenheit but let me tell you that its pretty fucking warm for autumn. im not even sure if its going to snow this year. thats bonkers.

as a being from nature, this has me feeling actually nauseous. like i know im not the most connected to nature guy in existence, but even i can tell when something feels off. something has gone terribly wrong here, and i dont know what to do about it. fuck.

[mountain--bones]

4/11: They Lament, But We Rejoice

(Some personal ramblings which also can function as day 1 of the Sol System's Alterhuman Writing Challenge!)

While I was showering yesterday I, as I often do, got lost in thought. I was thinking about myself and the path my life has taken, and how I've learned to relate to myself in a holistic way – flaws and all.

As I was thinking, I remembered some lyrics to a song I'd heard, but I couldn't remember the rest of the song or what it was called.

"'Cause when I saw my demons I knew them well and welcomed them"

This idea resonates with me a lot. Partially, it resonates in terms of my personality; I try my very best to accept the flaws in myself, and find the value in what they represent and connect to in my holistic self.

But, even more so, it's very easy to see my nonhuman self in this. I've come to understand that I am, at my core, something monstrous. I've related that inner, spiritual self to many different things before – a deity, an eldritch beast, an ancient spirit – but one of the first things I found myself thinking of it as was a demon.

I didn't think of it as demonic in a religious sense; it was more that it struck me as deeply, almost intrinsically adversarial to many of the things which are valued in the mainstream spirituality of western culture. It was chaos, animality, instinct, decomposition, death. And so: a demon.

When I found my demon, I knew it well, and welcomed it.

Given the melody of the song, it was pretty clear that the intended message was not one of radical reclamation of a self that would conventionally be considered abhorrent. So then I was curious – what's it really about?

And that's what made this so impactful and fascinating to me.

The song is The Lament of Eustace Scrubb, by the Oh Hellos.

Eustace Scrubb. If there's any character that stands out as an impactful early influence on my nonhumanity, it's Eustace Scrubb. But what's funny is how for me (and I'm sure a lot of other nonhuman folks), Eustace Scrubb is a character who represented an enigma – a contradiction to something which I so fervently craved.

For those who aren't familiar, Eustace Scrubb is a character from the Chronicles of Narnia whose selfishness led him to be turned into a dragon. And he hates it. He's so miserable about being a dragon instead of the boy he's meant to be. I couldn't understand it as a kid. Why would he hate being a dragon? Why would he want to be human?

The Lament of Eustace Scrubb is a song which was symbolically inspired by the struggle of this character – a lament about the loss of some valuable, sacred aspect of humanity, beneath layers of flaws and faults.

Here's the full lyrics.

Brother, forgive me We both know I'm the one to blame 'Cause when I saw my demons I knew them well and welcomed them I knew them well and welcomed them

But I'll come around I'll come around

Father, have mercy I know that I have gone astray 'Cause when I saw my reflection It was a stranger beneath my face It was a stranger beneath my face

But I'll come around I'll come around Someday

When I touch the water They tell me I could be set free

It's very easy, given context, to see the Christian themes here – especially given than the Chronicles of Narnia are also a deeply, explicitly Christian work.

But that just makes it more interesting how, reading these lyrics in the way I naturally want to in spite of the context, I find a meaning in them that's entirely opposite to what's intended – one that's positive and healing.

When I saw my demons, I knew them well and welcomed them.

When I saw the parts of myself that were unacceptable in society's eyes, instead of shunning them, I reached out. I offered them a welcoming hand. To embrace myself in a genuine way has always been more important than following along with what I'm told is "right".

Brother, forgive me – humanity, forgive me – because when I saw the monster inside me, I turned from humanity without a second thought, and without a single regret. The "demon" in me opened my eyes, set me free from rules and structures and beliefs which I never belonged or fit within.

I chose the monster over my humanity. I don't need humanity to forgive me for that, but there's something striking about the idea of regret. Not the regret of my path, or who I am; just a quiet regretfulness to betray something which utterly needed to be betrayed.

'Cause when I saw my reflection It was a stranger beneath my face

My reflection shows a human face. The stranger underneath – the self that I had never been allowed to be. It was a stranger to me, at first. I didn't know myself, because I had never been taught how to. I'd been taught how to speak and how to act, and all that ever amounted to was layers and layers of masks, obscuring the heart of me underneath them.

The grief here, for me, isn't that the stranger is inhuman. The grief is that the deepest part of me, that lay beneath the facade, was a stranger. That I didn't recognise my true self underneath, because it was hidden by the body showed in my reflection, and all the different ways I'd been taught to act as I "should" in a body like this.

When I touch the water They tell me I could be set free

A reflection in a pool. The surface shows a human face, but there's something stranger underneath it.

Touch the water. Break the reflection. Free the you which you've never let yourself be.

See what I'm saying here?

It's striking because this is so completely not what is intended by the lyrics of this song, and yet it forms such a meaningful picture of what nonhumanity is to me. It's striking because, like the story of Eustace Scrubb, there's joy and freedom and actualisation found in a concept that is presented as, and intended to be, something horrible.

The inhumanity is supposed to be a curse.

But for me, embracing my nonhuman self – welcoming my demons, the stranger in my reflection – was a release from a curse that I didn't know I was burdened with.

There's something deeply poignant in here for me. Something which felt worth writing about.

[mountain--bones]

I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives

[mountain--bones]

This is my exact mindset, yeah!

I don't CARE if I'm really some spirit-god-monster stuck in a human body, I don't CARE if it's "real". It's ME, it's what I experience, it's who I am, and nobody can ever know anything about that shit for sure anyway!

I can't prove I'm what I am but that DOESN'T MATTER. I don't need to!

And you can't prove I'm wrong! I can't prove I'm wrong! We're all just flopping about here trying to live happy and MAYBE make sense of the weirdness that is our lives. And it's cool! The ambiguity, the unknown, it can be freeing if you let it be!

Your subjective reality doesn't HAVE to be limited to the objective. You can be honest with yourself. You can be self-indulgent, even. And you SHOULD be. Even if it might seem improbable to someone else, it literally doesn't matter and you shouldn't care and they're weird for trying to police the way you see and think of your own damn self!

you know what? i don't care if i'm delusional or whatever the kff tiktok crowd says about spiritual 'kin. i've made my peace with the idea that there may be nothing after death. i've made peace with the fact that i may not be the reincarnation of xyz character or xyz animal. but also. i don't fucking care. i am who i am and i will be until the day i die and i am having fun. i love living and i love being 'kin.

REAL!!!!! YOU GET IT

no one knows what happens after death bitch let's just have fun with it.