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Eye of the Beholder

Now I don’t consider myself beautiful in the physical sense; yes I believe everything and everyone is beautiful in different way, some being spiritually beautiful, physically beautiful, mentally beautiful, and artistically beautiful and so on. I just don’t happen to be physically beautiful and I’m okay with that. Would I change it and make myself more attractive? Yeah, but then again who wouldn’t. Any ways because of my own self image like this dating is hard for me, I always feel like when boys message me or catcall me or hit on me it’s part of some sick game. I’ll start talking to a guy and things will be going great I try to keep it cool leave all my bad jokes, emotional crisis and puns aside. *UNTIL ONE DAY * always super late at night my brain says to “they don’t want you” “you’re not the girlfriend type” “it’s a game between his friends” and so on it never stops and its volume just gets louder and louder until finally I give up and sabotage the relationship so that way I don’t have to find out what would have been. The scary thing is I don’t just do this with people; I do it with every single aspect of my life. I’m not sure why I’m not sure if I’ll ever know. I just want to be enough.

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Worst  Feeling Ever.

           On August 16th I decided to drop out of high school. School started the 15th. After last year being a really difficult year in my life, losing many and most of my friends due to my anxiety and panic attacks. On the first day I tried to be as positive as happy as I could be. I got to my classes and felt nothing but alone. ALONE is the worst feeling in the world. When I came home I went to my room and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. My mom came home and I talked to her and said no matter what her or my father think or say I’m dropping out. So the next day I went to school and I got my transcript. I WAS OFFICIALLY FREE AND HAPPY.

               Until I heard my mom and dad talking, my dad was mad about me dropping out. He never really understood my anxiety. Anyways my mom said the worst thing I’ve ever heard about myself. She said “Well do you want her to kill herself?” I’ll never forget those words I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I’m not suicidal. Yeah I used to self harm but I don’t anymore in fact I haven’t for 3 years. I guess just hearing someone say that is really eye opening. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around my family. I feel as if I’m not allowed to be sad anymore because I don’t want to make them worry. I’m the big family disappointment who let worrying and fears interfere with their education.  

               Sorry it has taken me so long to post this, I’ve been in a really difficult place lately. I will make my greatest effort to post every day from here on out.

               Stay sick and remember strive to be happy

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Missed Connections.

              Many people know what the ‘Missed Connections’ page is, it’s basically a place online where people post about the cute girl they were too shy to actually go up to at the café and talk to, so instead they wrote about it on the internet. Now that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.

               All day my friend Leo has been saying how he misses the way our old friend group was. We were the cool outcast of our school, people knew us we just didn’t fit into any category so somehow we ended up with each other. Anyway I had this one friend actually Best Friend, we did everything together, but when my anxiety got worse and I became friends with one of my now best friends she felt abandoned and terminated our friendship. I wish there was a way I could say I’m sorry, if only I knew what to be sorry about.

                 I guess we just had a missed connection. Because you know what they say ‘one door closes another one open’ its true it just might just be a door you wished hadn’t opened. Should I message her? Or wait it out until school starts up again?

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Time For a New Start.

         So, i should probably start this blog off with a proper introduction; so here goes. I'm sixteen, a senior in high school with junior credits due to debilitating anxiety followed by numerous bad decisions, but hey that's in the past and this is the new me. I think I am due for a new start.            Sometimes I need to reassure myself that i'm not completely throwing my life away. After all I am taking college classes at the local community college, but yet somehow i cant seem to get the motivation to go to actual high school? I actually have more college credits than legit high school credits.             All my life I've lived in the shadows of my two older brothers, they were both in the "gifted" program until high school, they always had friends and were incredibly athletic.(both categories i have trouble in.) they're twenty something now, and both of them have ruined partying for me, what one hadn't the other had. I'm grateful of them though I believe that their mistakes have help shaped me i'm just not sure if i like that shape.I have friends and they are all amazing in their own quirky way don't get me wrong, i'm just not sure if i actually like my friends( does that make any sense?). but summers are tough on friendships, my best-friend and I have became extremely distant, she has her new church friends and i have my new angst ridden friends. I miss her. oh! and I have this gay friend Leo, who today just confessed his undying love for me. so there's that.              My whole life I've always felt as if someone other than me has been writing my life. because i really feel as if I'm living in the world of Seinfeld. But hey! maybe someday when I'm 97 some one will stumble upon this blog and decide to turn my life into a bad Abc Family Sitcom.