mrsindywilsons

[mrsindywilsons]

Unexpected Calling

Sometimes our callings are different than what we think they are. I am grateful to have found mine in the unexpected place of being a homeschooling SAHM.

  Some days it is so difficult I want to quit homeschooling, and then other days I am so filled with delight at listening or seeing the children apply what they have learned from our lesson plans or just the things they learn organically from living day to day. 

They really are learning and picking up more than we may think. They learn through play, reading, and some awesome YouTube channels that have such fun learning songs.

I never knew there could be so much joy and love in nurturing and teaching tiny little humans. Their enthusiasm to learn and explore is so endearing! I want to help them cultivate and use their curiosity for exploring and learning every day for the rest of their lives. Children really are a blessing from the Lord, and being able to teach them is one of the biggest gifts of all.

[mrsindywilsons]

Veggie Lasagna Soup

Bell pepper

Onion

Garlic cloves

Jar of tomato basil sauce

Jar of water

21 Seasoning salute

Dried Italian herbs

Nutritional yeast

Yellow lentil lasagna noodles

Shredded carrot

Sautee the bell pepper, onion, and garlic for a few minutes. Then add the sauce, water, herbs, seasoning, and nutritional yeast. Bring to a simmer/boil. Break up the noodles and add to the pot. Stir occasionally while noodles are cooking. (I added the shredded carrot say this point because I still wanted it to have a bit of crunch.) Once noodles are at desired texture, let cool and eat.

#plantbased #lasagnasoup #coldweatherrecipe

[mrsindywilsons]

I've always been so self-conscious about my appearance. I was made fun of so much as a child that it had always been hard for me to see my worth as a person and believe that I'm not a hideous balloon of a person.

Well, recently, I've been going outside my comfort zone a bit for outfits. Things I believe look so cute on other women, but could never wear myself because I would see every imperfection.

Recently, I have birth to my fourth child, and it helped me to come to the realization that my body will never be without imperfections, but it is amazing and wonderful. It produced FOUR healthy babies and then sustained them with milk for their first years of life. My body deserves to be celebrated, not condemned.

This had given me a new perspective on, not only eating better for optimal health, but also that I can dress in clothes that I think are cute and are made for women my size.

I have always believed that form fitting clothes, crop tops, swimsuits, ect were beautiful on women of all sizes, but I could never being myself to love the way clothes looked on me.

Well, here I am talking a leap! I would have NEVER worn this outfit before, but I thought it was cute and decided to rock it.

Ladies, if you think an outfit is cute but not for someone like you, wear it anyways. It's likely that you look more beautiful than you think in it.

[mrsindywilsons]

It's important to acknowledge that sometimes we are the problem.

We are not always right in every interaction we have with others.

It's important to recognize and apologize where we have wronged others, and do what we can to reconcile with them as well as execute change within ourselves.

I am not perfect, and I have many areas of my life that I screw up, especially when it comes to relationships with other people.

I am constantly trying to work on fixing issues within myself, but it can be overwhelming. There are so many things I need to work on, that some days it feels like there's no point in trying, but it's important to keep going.

The people in your life deserve thre best you that you can put forward. Whether they get frustrated with what that looks like or not, it's important to do it anyways.

Because when we don't, we are the problem.

[mrsindywilsons]

Needed Rest

My last post was a rambling about how I never get time to just rest and exsist without worrying about others. Well, here we are, a few days later, sitting in the hospital completely alone and able to do nothing but rest.

Yesterday, I was at the hospital for my routine prenatal, and the doctors were not happy with my blood pressure numbers. They sent me to triage for observation and blood tests. Turns out I was contracting every 6 to 8 minutes and my blood pressure was not really going down, despite sitting almost completely still for two hours, so I was admitted for 24 hour observation.

Here I am, in labor and delivery alone, my children are with their grandparents, and my husband is working, with no one to worry about but myself. It is a needed break, but this was NOT the way I had intended to get it.  Having someone make all my meals, while I just sit and read or draw all day is very nice. I am trying to take it as easy as possible in the hopes that this little girl stays in long enough to be full gestation.

[mrsindywilsons]

Frustration

Sometimes life is just frustrating. 

I am so sick and tired of life as a whole because I never get a real break from anything. I never get to just be a person. I am constantly, 100% of the time worrying about some responsibility or another persons needs. I am never able to just sit back and have a good time. 

I am sick of my “breaks” just being me doing what I have to do regardless, just without the kids. Why can’t I actually have time where I do something I enjoy without being interupted a hundred times? Why can’t I have a day with my husband where we do something that isn’t fixing or cleaning some sort of issue in the house without the children?

Do people help me out and watch my kids for me? Yes, I have wonderful friends willing to help, but I have so many doctor’s appointments that I can’t even ask for help when I just need at true break because I am already asking for help to frequently.

My life is full of nothing but doctors’ visist, grocery shopping, cleaning, and cooking. I am TIRED of not having anything I enjoy anymore. I try to engage in hobbies just for them to get ruined and interupted by the kids trying to do them. 

I get to go on a date with my husband MAYBE once a year. We hardly ever get a night alone, even just in our own home. It would be nice to get away once in a while and enjoy each other outside of our children. 

Having a mental illness that requires constant work, as well as having a child with mental illness that requires constant work is exhausting on its own, witout adding every other demand that is on me that is already there. 

I am under a load that neurotypical people would buckle under, yet I am expected to do it flawlessly without getting frustarated, having issues or needing help. 

I am tired of constantly being told that “so and so has it harder so why are you complaing.” Despite the fact that those people won’t even give me the time of day to explain my struggles, and any struggles I do get to explain are “petty” and meaningless to them.

This is just a rambling post about life being frustrated.

[mrsindywilsons]

I love being a mom. Doing simple things like building sandcastles and playing in lake water brings so much joy. I love being a part of their fun.

[mrsindywilsons]

Vegan Strabwerries and Cream Oatmeal

1 severing of cooked oats

Cinnamon

Brown sugar to desired amount

2 servings of PB2 Almond

1/4 cup of chopped strawberries

Dash of coconut milk (just enough for flavor and thinning out the powdered almond)

[mrsindywilsons]

10%

I learned, recently, that 90% of marriages that include a spouse with bipolar disorder end in divorce. NINETY PERCENT!!!!

People with bipolar disorder suffer from a wide variety of symptoms that can affect life with a spouse. Unfortunately, even with proper medication and therapy lapses can and will happen from time to time. Unfortunately, many partners get fed up with the manic or depressive states of their partner and the amount of stress this puts on them and the marriage. 

I feel very fortunate to have married a man who loves me despite all those aspects of my diagnosis. He loves me through them. When I am depressed, he helps encourage me to get up and do more, or just helps take over tasks that have me in tears, that when stable are easy to accomplish. When I am manic and unreasonable, he helps to bring me back to reality so that I might be able to come down and be grounded back in the world. 

Sometimes, I yell uncontrollably and lose my temper beyond any reasonable explination. Sometimes, I cry for hours without ceasing. Sometimes, I obsess over ideas and research for days without sleep or eating. Sometimes, I can’t move from the crushing weight of every task that needs to be done. Sometimes, I accoplish every task before lunch because of waking up at 4am with the amount of energy as the Energize Bunny. Sometimes, I go sit in in a dark quiet room the second he walks in the door from work because I can’t handle being asked another question.

Recently, he said something to me that made me cry, in a good way. He said, “Sometimes you have to deal with the half of someone you don’t like to be able to enjoy the half you do.” Basically stating that dealing with me on my bad days is worth every single one of the good. Also, when I told him the statistic that 90% of people with bipolar end up divorced, he said, “Sorry, you aren’t that lucky.” Implying that he isn’t going to divorce me so too bad. 

I, honestly, couldn’t have asked for a better man to marry. He shows me grace in so many aspects of life that I can’t even begin to put into words the amount of gratitude I have towards him. 

I work hard on controlling the shifts in my moods by taking my medication everyday, consistent therapy, and implementing healthy coping techniques in order to be as stable as possible, but he makes me want to work harder because of his love, support, and understanding.

We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding aniversary this month, and I can’t express how grateful I am that he has helped us beat the statistics and be part of the 10%.

[mrsindywilsons]

ADHD is a dysfunction of a part of the brain they call executive function. This area of the brain helps with self regulation.

This means that when a child with ADHD gets in trouble 10 times more than a normal child, it's not because they're stupid or don't understand. It just means that the part of the brain that slows down and tells them to stop or not do an action doesn't work properly and you need to help train them to learn to do it. This means considerably more reminders to focus, setting timers, having quick positive consequences for good actions.

This also causes many children with ADHD to have anxiety and depression because they get in trouble so much more than normal children. They get labeled as bad kids because adults continue to negatively discipline instead of praising the behavior they want to see.

They get berated so much more because, even though they're trying twice as hard as a normal child, they're acting "poorly" in the eyes of adults and are labeled as such.

ADHD is a real disorder being observed as far back as the early 1800s. The difference is way back when children like this would be abandoned rather than loved and encouraged all because they were viewed as bad children.

Children, and adults for that matter, with ADHD need help, not constant criticisms.

[mrsindywilsons]

Mania isn't just feelings of euphoria.

It's obsessing over things causing you to not sleep or eat for days. It's engaging in reckless behavior that can be uncharacteristic. It's dissociation with your own body, life, actions, and surroundings. It's watching every coping tactic you've ever learned fail no matter how hard you try.

Mania is hell.

[mrsindywilsons]

Sometimes, Things are Hard

Living with bipolar disorder is hard.

Living with bipolar disorder while pregnant is harder.

Living with bipolar disorder while pregnat and caring for young children is even harder.

Living with bipolar disorder while pregnant and caring for multiple young children during a stay at home order and worldwide pandemic is the hardest thing I have ever done.

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I have been living with bipolar disorder and recieving quality treatment for nearly six years. I thought being bipola was hard, then being pregnant with it was hard, then being pregnant with small children with it was hard, well now I am having to care for young children while pregnant during a worldwide pandemic and stay at home order with it. Things just seem to keep getting harder.

Part of me has been wondering if I am truly getting better because I have had more issues lately than I have had in a very long time, but talking to my therapist and looking at how my life has changed in six years, I realized that even a neurotypical would be struggling emotionally at this time in the same situations.

Right now, there is no real way to take a break. Right now there is no way to get any sort of tangible outside support. Right now we are all isolated to ourselves and our immediate families. It is harder for everyone.

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I am grateful for the ability to have virtual support. 

Being able to still talk with my therapist and doctor’s to ensure that I get the needed medicines is such a blessing.

Being able to video call family and friends and be able to have virtual Bible studies and church is a huge blessing.

But, when you struggle with an illness that one of the main ways to cope is cut off from you, it is still difficult. 

The main thing that I have been told the past six years is to be sure to take breaks for myself. Real breaks. Breaks away from everyone and all responsibilities. Not grocery shopping alone. Not cooking alone. Not taking a shower and hoping someone doesn’t enter. Not hiding in a room with the door closed for a virtual doctor’s appointment ignoring the fights beyond the door.

True quality alone time with myself and God to recharge. That that is the number one thing I can do to help my mental health and best care for my family. 

How is one to care for others when you can’t even care for yourself properly?

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Six years ago I wouldn’t have been able to do this. I have come a long way in my abilities to cope, and I need to understand and remember that some situations are just plain hard and anyone in them will struggle.

Getting better isn’t about coping perfectly all the time. It is about recognizing your failings and doing better next time. it is about acknowledging when you are in the wrong and taking responsibility for those instances.

I have grown so much in all these areas, and I need to extend myself grace and know that this is hard, that this may not get better for a while, and that learning to cope without outside support and breaks is necessary. 

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But, luckily, I am not alone in these feelings. I'm not the first to express such difficulty in overcoming issues of the flesh. Praise the Lord, that there is insight, even into something such as this, revealed in His word.

[mrsindywilsons]

Cucumber Mint Lemonade

1 mini cucumber sliced

Chopped mint leaves

Lemon juice

Honey

Fresh water

I put all ingredients in a widemouth quart mason jar and shook vigorously to mix in all the honey. Then I placed it in the fridge over night to let all the flavors infuse into the water. Enjoy!

[mrsindywilsons]

Quarentined Thoughts

Quarantine is affecting me more than it probably should. I realized I'm using social media to overcompensate for my feelings of isolation. Having missed 3 weeks of church prior to all this, it has been nearly 6 weeks (or more) since I've seen anyone from church.

I was already struggling with feeling isolated and alone prior to all the stay at home orders, but it's just getting worse. I try to reach out to others, but unless I'm starting the conversations, they don't seem to happen.

I know I'm not the center of anyone's world, and I know that people have their own things going on, but always being the one to try to connect first, just makes me feel like I'm forgettable and that no one actually thinks about us. This can be draining on me and make me feel like people don't really want to talk to me, but rather just tolerate me. It leads me to believe people don't truly care about us in this life. That it's all a facade that people put on. That they keep me around because I'm pathetic, and it makes them feel better about themselves. I am aware that this is likely not the case and a lie from Satan, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I know that Jesus's love is supposed to be enough, but aren't we also suppose to be one body? I'm just finding extreme difficulty finding comfort in God when I feel so disconnected and unimportant to the body. I don't know what to do, or where to turn for comfort because I'm truly struggling to find it.

[mrsindywilsons]

Today, I've been working with Seth on how to use clay.

[mrsindywilsons]

Happy birthday to my big 6 year old!

He requested a hobbit themed cake, so this was my attempt at Bilbo's hobbit hole!

5 hours of hard work for my sweet boy!

[mrsindywilsons]