my-broken-brain

[my-broken-brain]

Do you do any of these? @thoughtstherapy

[my-broken-brain]

I’m getting ready to take my first dose of 25mg of Sertraline. The pharmacist recommended taking it with food in case I feel nauseous, so here I am forcing myself to eat as I have no appetite so I can start this medication.  Walking through the grocery stores with my parents didn’t feel real this morning. My chest is so tight, I feel like I can’t swallow and my hands are shaking so bad. I read so many horror stories so I had to switch to reading the good ones and listening to a positive podcast, because I want this to work.  This is the first step, then hopefully exercise and possibly therapy.  Talking about this out loud scares the shit out of me. The fact that I made an appt with my NP is a big deal but it started out as a “why am I so tired?” appt not “hey I’m struggling with my mental health and can’t handle having 6 panic attacks in a day anymore” appt.

I’ve been a very negative person lately and I’m trying so SO hard to think positive about this next step, but it’s a struggle.

I’m anxious about this making me more anxious.

I’m anxious about the “never trust a fart” part of this but also welcome it? TMI: I’ve been constipated for so long that this will be a relief....but I did buy immodium just in case.

Ugh, I’m still shoveling food in my face and staring at this bottle.

Here’s the plan:

1. Finish eating

2. Take the pill

3. Shower

4. Play Disney Dreamlight Valley and snuggle my dogs

I love red wine. It numbs me for a little while and it’s a nice way to unwind after work.  This week I need to take a break from it while I start this. I had a couple glasses last night after work and now I gotta be sober for a bit while I figure my shit out.

[my-broken-brain]

Does anyone else’s anxiety work like this?  My NP asked me if I was still going to work with how bad I’ve been. I answered yes but didn’t elaborate.  I go to work to focus on other things. I put on my uniform and it’s like putting on a costume. I’ve faked being fine for so long, it’s easy.  It’s getting less easy. When my Grandparents were in the hospital, dying, I went to work. It’s a distraction. For the most part it quiets my brain.

It’s exhausting.

I’ve gone to work when I haven’t slept for 3 days because I need the distraction. It sucks and is so so exhausting.

This time I have very little appetite, which is unusual...I think it’s the depression part of this. 

I’m so nervous to start the Sertraline tomorrow but hopeful.  I gotta give this a chance.  It just sucks if it’s shit because that’ll ruin my Summer if I have to wean off of it.  Fingers crossed this helps.

[my-broken-brain]

It was supposed to be my first day of Sertraline today.

In an ideal world I would’ve gone to get my meds after work but instead I am waiting until I do groceries with my Dad tomorrow so that I don’t have to go alone. Because if I go alone I will cry, I will buy things I don’t need so that I have a reason to use the stupid corral at Wal-Mart so that I can leave the fucking store.  This is how my brain works.

And now I am numbing my feelings with wine.  Again.

[my-broken-brain]

Goals

Some things I would like to accomplish while I heal my brain:

1.Exercise...I would like to run again

2.Dog walks every morning, even if it’s 15mins

3.Go to the grocery store on my own (this is a huge one) but my ultimate goal is to do Costco on my own.

4.Take the dogs to the dog park on my own with no stress.\

5.Get my hair cut. I haven’t had a hair cut since....2016?