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Untitled

There were no more complicated matters than the hearts of you and I but mine beat still

There were no simple answers to midnight questions but asked I did

Even in this mess we made there is no purer statement than I love you ; for that you did conjure.

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Glass house

I had a dream you were inside a glass house

I tried and tried but I couldn't get you out

I tried the locks and windows , the cellar floor

It made no difference to me what door

Laying by the door wishing to get in, I wake to the sound of you and your sin

My heart lifts but the rest of me just drifts

Im sleepwalking around and around

This glass house you've built I'd wish would crash down

I'm sleepwalking around and around this glass house you built I'd wish would crash down

So I find a reason to stay asleep

So reality won't creep

I'll sleepwalk all my life if I could

If it meant I'd have you in only a dream I would

I had a dream you were inside a glass house

I tried and tried but I could get you out

I wander around sleepwalking outside

My battered broken body won't mind

I'm sleepwalking through space and time and time it flew....

For dreams are the only place I'm ever really with you.

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March to December

The sign on your heart reads no vacancy upon the door to this world we live

A few hundred miles across the universe you would mine

And We could live happy next lifetime

My body And soul I will always remember.... from March till December

Where I stood in line for love and waited my turn. Patient and strong my heart it did burn

Remember when you kissed me for the first time in that empty bar

You new what I needed but never saw

You became my torture and bliss all in one space

A moments reflection brings me back to that place

My sleep deprived body was yours

My racing mind belonged to you too

On that back road winding around

I stumbled my way back to you

Remembering the days we snuck away only for a moments time

In the dark or the day I'd pour out for you and you were mine

Your Words caught in space or on a phone

Forever in my head

Glances that burned a picture to my brain

I remember when I was at your mercy and felt utterly insane

Snow came so pure and so bright but it grew heavy on my heart. A weight I had to release from my mind

And when the sun goes down I will always remember what we could have next lifetime

My tears... They are for a longing of what will never be but also for the love we shared.

I return to my broken road with one tear drop in my eye

For my heart has a secret that shall never die.

Because my reflection from March till December

Is YOU body and soul and That I will always remember.

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Excerpts from a book I’ll never write

“My eyes are so tired but my chest won’t sleep. The pounding of my heart beats so fast I can hear it in my throat. Gasping for air I want to rip it out and toss it down beside the bed where it can’t torment me anymore. The only silence I have; the only solace I have is knowing that one day you will be looking for someone like me in someone else and you will never find her. “

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Me Problems

“I came to a scary realization. I realized I am an idealist. I'm a dreamer. I always see the good in people first. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I always believe things will turn out great in the beginning . I'm not afraid to take a chance or risk it. I believe my hopes and dreams will come true one day. That means I get disappointed a lot. I get sad a lot. I get disappointed when I realize most people don't live up to the dreamy ideals or high standards I have for myself and others. I live my life like a old Hollywood love story or a funny as hell sitcom. I can love you and leave you in the same breath. I'm all or nothing. What seems like fantastic or dramatic to you is normal for me. I get hurt because my standards are high and some would say unrealistic but I never want to live life any other way. I guess that's my greatest torment.”

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Angel

She sees all your darkness and demons and follows you into it. Reminds you she doesnt scare that easily. She can empathize deeply and accept fully. She will hide all your pain inside herself while she listens patiently and counsels with intent. She can help you find all the versions of yourself you have forgotten and walk with you hand and hand out of the shadows.

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A Dog in pups clothes

I worked with this guy ( we will call him John for this story)  for almost 10 years.  Seven of those years I was married, but when I divorced I started to notice him a bit.  He was in the army and got deployed for a year at a time twice during the ten years I’ve known him.  I thought he was a nice guy and he always joked around with me.  He was a bit shy, socially awkward; maybe even a bit twitchy.  But I thought that was just a result of having people try to kill him over seas and I am a sucker for the damaged and sad.  I am a nurturer by trait so when he showed some interest in me I thought I would give it a go. We started by talking on text, and I invited him on hikes which by the way is a whole day spent together.  The ride up to the mountains is two hours plus then 4-5 hours climbing.  We did this a few times.  The chatting continued and of course turned sexual.  He was an average looking guy: tall, kinda lanky, brown hair, lots of tattoos.  His brown eyes always looks down, appearing very submissive, which for some reason I found very attractive.  Maybe I just wanted to dominate him, wrap him up in my love blanket and rock him to sleep at night.  When you  find a stray dog on the side of the road you just want to take him home. In his defense he did have a decent job, a condo, and a car so he was doing well and I thought he did have a lot to offer a woman but he needed to me to show him that because his demeanor was screaming, “Mommy love me”… so here I am.

John and I flirted and hung out without sex for a ridiculous long amount of time.  I would say a year or so, on and off.  At this point I realize he isn’t going to make a move.  Most woman would see that this man isn’t that interested in her but not me. I was happy to just chat and hang out.  He did little things to keep be strung along like initiate text here and there.  He did seem to be interested in my life and behind the safety of his phone he certainly told me he wanted to have sex with me, but in person he would never try.  I tried to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  I asked if he was just wanted to be friends and since we had been friends for so long wasn’t interested in me in that way, but he denied, said he very much wanted our relationship to turn sexual.  I asked why he was so hesitant.  He proceeded to tell me how he is hesitant about sex; not with me but with everyone, and how he gets nervous about these things.   So now I’m even more turned on, “what a sweet guy!”   At least that is what I thought.  So now I’m kicking things into high gear.  I ask him to come over the next night where I am going to seduce him: hardcore.  He says he has plans to see his mom. Of course he does: he is such a nice guy!  I continue to try to get together with him and try to find a way to get him to my house because at this point I can’t take it any more.  All this time and effort I was going to make this happen.  I was thinking and thinking: then it came to me.  I texted him, “when are we going to cuddle?”  To my surprise he said “when do you want to?”  I was so excited I literally felt like I won the lottery.  "Tomorrow", I say.  There is a long pause where I know he is sweating this so I say, “Just cuddles John I promise”.  He says “Ok I’ll be there”.  Is this really happening?  What have I done?  I feel like I set up all the elements for a rape to go down and I am the rapist.  I tell myself he is a guy after all; once I get him going it will be fine.   The next night he does come over as planned and we watch TV  for a bit.  No touching has happened, nothing.  So I snuggle up next to him saying “Ok time for snuggles”.  I can hear myself and I cringe but I just keep going.  I’m not giving up.  He responded with an arm around me slowly stroking my elbow.  Ok he needs help.  After a bit I suggest we go into the bedroom and do some real cuddling.  And that is exactly what we did.  We lay on my bed spooning and talking for a really long time while I did everything possible  to try and get him to make a move.  Like a cat in heat I pressed my butt against his crotch in a desperate attempt to initiate something and to my surprise he is hard.  This is good I tell myself, so I continue talking about all kinds of sexual things to entice him to do something.  Kiss me, anything!  I try to kiss his neck and he kind of just laid there still.  I finally ask what he wants to do.  He says he wants to stay but “its getting late”.  He hems and haws for a bit and I say “Do I need to tell you what to do?”  He says “no, but I don’t know what I want”  Jesus, is he a virgin? He is acting like one even though he has told me he is not. In addition to telling me about previous sexual relationships.   I am trying to have sex with a teenage girl right now!  So I say sweetly “Ok go home”.  He gets up with a full erection he tries to tuck into his jeans.  Who does this?  As he stands in my doorway to say goodnight I grab is hard package and say “Adios”. He then turns and leaves.  I thought that was it, I won’t here from him again, but nope he continues to text me.  He is dangling his dick here for me but wont put it in my mouth.  I don’t understand so I reflect and I hear my dads voice say “never give up”.  I realize now that that advise was probably for other situations but que sera sera.  A week goes by I ask him to come over again.  He just replies “Ok”.  So the night comes around that he is supposed to come over and I don’t here from him, so I kinda chase him down.  I finally get him to come over, but I ask why do you make me chase you?  He says, “because its fun”.  That was curious, because this wasn’t fun to me.  Anyways he comes over and I pull out the seductress routine which by the way I am very good at and never had any complaints or rejections from.  I take him to the bedroom thinking still once I get him into the moment he will be Ok.  I do all the work, undressing him, myself, and kissing him etc.  He seems to enjoy this but it was hard to tell as he was very quiet.  I end up being like an air traffic controller signally actions, directing hands places, making commands.  Most men like this in my experience, but as I sit on top of him and look in John’s eye there was a hint of a wince and I think he was holding back a tear.  At this point I know I am not going to orgasm and I quickly try to decide if I’m going to fake it for this poor man.  I just don’t have it in me any more so I get off and do the thing I know how to do best: give.  I give him oral until he orgasms practically falling off the bed and saying, “I can’t feel my legs”.  Ok this is a good thing I think.  He says, “wow I haven’t felt that good in a long time”.  Again I think this is a good thing, but then he randomly gets up and puts his clothes on standing by the bed putting his hand on the wall, saying “well this is always the awkward part.”  I try to tell him to come lay down and cuddle, as “it is customary to cuddle after sex”.  I blurt out  "I’ll have an orgasm next time, its just hard with a new person" ,trying to give him reassurance because in my mind I thought that was why he was leaving so suddenly.  That was the wrong thing to say apparently because he replied, “oh,your so sure there will be a next time?  What is happening?  He seems angry.  He leaves awkwardly, and I don’t here from him for a few days which is abnormal for him as we were talking every other day. At this point I  am pretty sure he went home and cried in the shower.   What is going on?  I thought we were starting a relationship?  I try texting him days later and talk to him to establish where we stand and find out his intentions what ever they may be good or bad.  He literally disappears mid- conversation leaving me hanging.  Twelve hours go by and I am starting to get angry.  That cute little puppy that I saw on the side of the road who needed love just pissed on my boots.  Bad puppy!   So as I am driving with my girlfriends I describe this bizarre situation to them.  I don’t use my blinker to change lanes because not only am I bad at dating I am also a terrible driver.   One of my friends says "Christine you know its the law to signal your intentions”.  Shocked I say, “really?”  One of my friends says “Yes you can get a ticket for not signally your intentions”, and it occurred to me why cant people do this in the dating world.  Life would be so much simpler.  At that moment I tell my friend Laura “get my phone you are going to type a message to John”.  It said “Dear John, did you know when your driving you can get a ticket for not signally your intentions?  So signal your intentions mother fucker!”  Well as you might suspect he didn’t like that and said I was being an asshole and that  "I thought we made intentions clear: we are just hanging out", and “can we "pick this up tomorrow”.  I don’t know what “hanging out” means in today’s dating culture but from what I’ve read and asking around it means basically “we had sex and I had no obligation to be nice to you or call you anymore unless I want more sex”.  So I told him “no need to pick anything up I’m all set now”. And I have never heard from him again. 

 This is what I get for trying to have a relationship with people who don’t deserve it.  This is what I get for trying to have a relationship with people in this hook-up culture we live in.  It gets harder and harder to find good sincere honest people.  I like to give people chances, I like to find the good in everything.  I want to give that sad dog on the side of the road a home but honestly there is a reason he is there.  Sometimes things are broke as fuck and there isn’t any fixing them.  I think its also strange in such an instant gratification society that things seems to move very slow in the dating world.  I realized I’m kinda like a speeding train flying threw your town.  If you decide to jump on you better make sure your jump is bold.  You better make sure you are strong enough to hold on because if you aren’t and you are just flapping there in the breeze you are dead weight to me and I need to let you go.  Mentally, emotionally, intellectually, physically….you better keep up. And I will never apologize for that. So even though I have a lot of love to give, I need to drive on by when I see that dog on the side of the road struggling to keep up.  Yes he is barking and whimpering but just let him go.  Dating isn’t like a Disney movie: you don’t kiss a frog and they turn into a prince.  They just stay frogs.  You don’t take a stray dog home and think they will behave.  So what does one do when they find a dog with a home who is house and leash trained but wants you to feed them?  Well, that’s called  dating a married man and that is a whole other story.  

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“We were against all odds. Things like that don’t usually turn out well. Over and over I tried to run, but he found me every time. Its just that he looked at me like no other man had.”

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Myloves❤️❤️

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A Dog in pups clothes

I worked with this guy ( we will call him John for this story)  for almost 10 years.  Seven of those years I was married, but when I divorced I started to notice him a bit.  He was in the army and got deployed for a year at a time twice during the ten years I've known him.  I thought he was a nice guy and he always joked around with me.  He was a bit shy, socially awkward; maybe even a bit twitchy.  But I thought that was just a result of having people try to kill him over seas and I am a sucker for the damaged and sad.  I am a nurturer by trait so when he showed some interest in me I thought I would give it a go. We started by talking on text, and I invited him on hikes which by the way is a whole day spent together.  The ride up to the mountains is two hours plus then 4-5 hours climbing.  We did this a few times.  The chatting continued and of course turned sexual.  He was an average looking guy: tall, kinda lanky, brown hair, lots of tattoos.  His brown eyes always looks down, appearing very submissive, which for some reason I found very attractive.  Maybe I just wanted to dominate him, wrap him up in my love blanket and rock him to sleep at night.  When you  find a stray dog on the side of the road you just want to take him home. In his defense he did have a decent job, a condo, and a car so he was doing well and I thought he did have a lot to offer a woman but he needed to me to show him that because his demeanor was screaming, "Mommy love me"... so here I am.

John and I flirted and hung out without sex for a ridiculous long amount of time.  I would say a year or so, on and off.  At this point I realize he isn't going to make a move.  Most woman would see that this man isn't that interested in her but not me. I was happy to just chat and hang out.  He did little things to keep be strung along like initiate text here and there.  He did seem to be interested in my life and behind the safety of his phone he certainly told me he wanted to have sex with me, but in person he would never try.  I tried to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  I asked if he was just wanted to be friends and since we had been friends for so long wasn't interested in me in that way, but he denied, said he very much wanted our relationship to turn sexual.  I asked why he was so hesitant.  He proceeded to tell me how he is hesitant about sex; not with me but with everyone, and how he gets nervous about these things.   So now I'm even more turned on, "what a sweet guy!"   At least that is what I thought.  So now I'm kicking things into high gear.  I ask him to come over the next night where I am going to seduce him: hardcore.  He says he has plans to see his mom. Of course he does: he is such a nice guy!  I continue to try to get together with him and try to find a way to get him to my house because at this point I can't take it any more.  All this time and effort I was going to make this happen.  I was thinking and thinking: then it came to me.  I texted him, "when are we going to cuddle?"  To my surprise he said "when do you want to?"  I was so excited I literally felt like I won the lottery.  "Tomorrow", I say.  There is a long pause where I know he is sweating this so I say, "Just cuddles John I promise".  He says "Ok I'll be there".  Is this really happening?  What have I done?  I feel like I set up all the elements for a rape to go down and I am the rapist.  I tell myself he is a guy after all; once I get him going it will be fine.   The next night he does come over as planned and we watch TV  for a bit.  No touching has happened, nothing.  So I snuggle up next to him saying "Ok time for snuggles".  I can hear myself and I cringe but I just keep going.  I'm not giving up.  He responded with an arm around me slowly stroking my elbow.  Ok he needs help.  After a bit I suggest we go into the bedroom and do some real cuddling.  And that is exactly what we did.  We lay on my bed spooning and talking for a really long time while I did everything possible  to try and get him to make a move.  Like a cat in heat I pressed my butt against his crotch in a desperate attempt to initiate something and to my surprise he is hard.  This is good I tell myself, so I continue talking about all kinds of sexual things to entice him to do something.  Kiss me, anything!  I try to kiss his neck and he kind of just laid there still.  I finally ask what he wants to do.  He says he wants to stay but “its getting late”.  He hems and haws for a bit and I say "Do I need to tell you what to do?"  He says "no, but I don't know what I want"  Jesus, is he a virgin? He is acting like one even though he has told me he is not. In addition to telling me about previous sexual relationships.   I am trying to have sex with a teenage girl right now!  So I say sweetly "Ok go home".  He gets up with a full erection he tries to tuck into his jeans.  Who does this?  As he stands in my doorway to say goodnight I grab is hard package and say "Adios". He then turns and leaves.  I thought that was it, I won't here from him again, but nope he continues to text me.  He is dangling his dick here for me but wont put it in my mouth.  I don't understand so I reflect and I hear my dads voice say "never give up".  I realize now that that advise was probably for other situations but que sera sera.  A week goes by I ask him to come over again.  He just replies "Ok".  So the night comes around that he is supposed to come over and I don't here from him, so I kinda chase him down.  I finally get him to come over, but I ask why do you make me chase you?  He says, "because its fun".  That was curious, because this wasn't fun to me.  Anyways he comes over and I pull out the seductress routine which by the way I am very good at and never had any complaints or rejections from.  I take him to the bedroom thinking still once I get him into the moment he will be Ok.  I do all the work, undressing him, myself, and kissing him etc.  He seems to enjoy this but it was hard to tell as he was very quiet.  I end up being like an air traffic controller signally actions, directing hands places, making commands.  Most men like this in my experience, but as I sit on top of him and look in John's eye there was a hint of a wince and I think he was holding back a tear.  At this point I know I am not going to orgasm and I quickly try to decide if I'm going to fake it for this poor man.  I just don't have it in me any more so I get off and do the thing I know how to do best: give.  I give him oral until he orgasms practically falling off the bed and saying, "I can't feel my legs".  Ok this is a good thing I think.  He says, "wow I haven't felt that good in a long time".  Again I think this is a good thing, but then he randomly gets up and puts his clothes on standing by the bed putting his hand on the wall, saying "well this is always the awkward part."  I try to tell him to come lay down and cuddle, as "it is customary to cuddle after sex".  I blurt out  "I'll have an orgasm next time, its just hard with a new person" ,trying to give him reassurance because in my mind I thought that was why he was leaving so suddenly.  That was the wrong thing to say apparently because he replied, "oh,your so sure there will be a next time?  What is happening?  He seems angry.  He leaves awkwardly, and I don't here from him for a few days which is abnormal for him as we were talking every other day. At this point I  am pretty sure he went home and cried in the shower.   What is going on?  I thought we were starting a relationship?  I try texting him days later and talk to him to establish where we stand and find out his intentions what ever they may be good or bad.  He literally disappears mid- conversation leaving me hanging.  Twelve hours go by and I am starting to get angry.  That cute little puppy that I saw on the side of the road who needed love just pissed on my boots.  Bad puppy!   So as I am driving with my girlfriends I describe this bizarre situation to them.  I don't use my blinker to change lanes because not only am I bad at dating I am also a terrible driver.   One of my friends says "Christine you know its the law to signal your intentions".  Shocked I say, "really?"  One of my friends says "Yes you can get a ticket for not signally your intentions", and it occurred to me why cant people do this in the dating world.  Life would be so much simpler.  At that moment I tell my friend Laura "get my phone you are going to type a message to John".  It said "Dear John, did you know when your driving you can get a ticket for not signally your intentions?  So signal your intentions mother fucker!"  Well as you might suspect he didn't like that and said I was being an asshole and that  "I thought we made intentions clear: we are just hanging out", and "can we "pick this up tomorrow".  I don't know what "hanging out" means in today's dating culture but from what I've read and asking around it means basically "we had sex and I had no obligation to be nice to you or call you anymore unless I want more sex".  So I told him "no need to pick anything up I'm all set now". And I have never heard from him again. 

 This is what I get for trying to have a relationship with people who don't deserve it.  This is what I get for trying to have a relationship with people in this hook-up culture we live in.  It gets harder and harder to find good sincere honest people.  I like to give people chances, I like to find the good in everything.  I want to give that sad dog on the side of the road a home but honestly there is a reason he is there.  Sometimes things are broke as fuck and there isn't any fixing them.  I think its also strange in such an instant gratification society that things seems to move very slow in the dating world.  I realized I'm kinda like a speeding train flying threw your town.  If you decide to jump on you better make sure your jump is bold.  You better make sure you are strong enough to hold on because if you aren't and you are just flapping there in the breeze you are dead weight to me and I need to let you go.  Mentally, emotionally, intellectually, physically....you better keep up. And I will never apologize for that. So even though I have a lot of love to give, I need to drive on by when I see that dog on the side of the road struggling to keep up.  Yes he is barking and whimpering but just let him go.  Dating isn't like a Disney movie: you don't kiss a frog and they turn into a prince.  They just stay frogs.  You don't take a stray dog home and think they will behave.  So what does one do when they find a dog with a home who is house and leash trained but wants you to feed them?  Well, that's called  dating a married man and that is a whole other story.  

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undefined

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A Gray Jay in the White Mountain National Forrest

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Excerpts from a book not written

She is like a pretty picture ,a two dimensional but beautifully landscaped painting. All framed up and mounted on the wall just for you. You know what it is after a few minutes and it’s never changing. The same beauty over and over and forever. But her, she was something else entirely . She was more like a glowing fire or a snow globe. You could stare into it for hours and be mesmerized never seeing the same image twice . It could consume you. All the colors , the heat , the movement of the flame. And on her bad days she was like a snow globe. One shake or tilt it all comes falling down, but you still stare cause it’s equally as beautiful .

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Excerpts from a book not written

...He said, “I know you think this is wrong but to me it isn't wrong.” To me life is about experiences and when I'm old and grey sitting in some dusty old recliner thinking about my life and all my experiences ....I'll be thinking of you.”

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Excerpts from a book not written

...He said, “I know you think this is wrong but to me it isn't wrong.” To me life is about experiences and when I'm old and grey sitting in some dusty old recliner thinking about my life and all my experiences ....I'll be thinking of you.”