mybodyisnotwhole

[mybodyisnotwhole]

I don't want exist to anyone but myself I want to be free from other people because all they do is stress me out and make me worry, all I can do is worry and be upset about other people and I don't think that means my friendships are very healthy does it now

I'm tired and I'm so done with this bullshit

[mybodyisnotwhole]

I hate myself so much today I actually wish I had never met any of the people I know because I'm clearly the problem I can finally see that its me

[mybodyisnotwhole]

I hate people I hate being responsible for relationships I hate how I feel lonely but when someone actually talks to me I feel overwhelmed and annoyed. I'm hurting people I'm ruining my own relationships by being like this. My god I fucking hate everyone I hate them all

[mybodyisnotwhole]

I hate everything

[mybodyisnotwhole]

s/t I

i'm a failure

separation

[mybodyisnotwhole]

Unrequited love xd

[mybodyisnotwhole]

| Artist: Tolga Ahmetler

🔮 Witchcore month on @mynocturnality

[mybodyisnotwhole]

When you thought you were out of your Carissa's Wierd phase but then you actually listen to a song you never really payed attention to.

[mybodyisnotwhole]

This song perfectly embodies how I feel every day, well at least it definitely did in November/December. It screams "I fucking give up on myself" and "maybe there's still hope for me" at the same goddamn time, idk

[mybodyisnotwhole]

Aimee Mann - God where to start with Aimee Mann. The love of my life. She came before The Cure and Lifelover and anyone else really. She was my absolute everything for a whole year until I had to push myself to listen to more music lmao. I also kind of grew up hearing her music as my parents are huge fans of her. I only started to notice her a few years after the release of 'Mental Illness'. Lifelover might have gotten me into black metal, The Cure might have spiked an interest in gothic rock for a bit but Aimee Mann was like my introduction to music. I had been asked who my favourite artist was and I couldn't think of anyone so I said "Aimee Mann" because her name came to me and I enjoyed some of the songs that I heard my parents playing. And then I actually became more interested and I wanted to listen to her more. I started with Mental Illness and fell in love with it. Memorable songs include 'Goose Snow Cone', Stuck in The Past', 'Philly Sinks' and 'Patient Zero'. Patient Zero really sparked my imagination, I liked the name even though I didn't know what Patient Zero meant exactly, and at the time I also loved dragons. I made up this dragon in my head called Patient Zero and I used to imagine him flying in the night sky, flying through the stars and the constellations. I thought of many stories with this dragon and also the idealised version of myself who was his rider. I was figuring myself out then. I still am lmao.

I had a guitar that I got for my birthday and it was left unused for a few months until I suddenly gained an interest in it because of Aimee Mann. I loved her so much that I wanted to be able to play her music too. My Dad gave me the chords to the song 'That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart' from The Forgotten Arm and so that was the first song I ever learned on guitar. This also lead me to dig deeper into Aimee Mann's discography so I could learn and appreciate more of her music. I listened to every album and loved every song so much and spent hours reading about all these albums. I even watched Magnolia at much too young an age lmao. My favourite thing to do came to be learning her songs on guitar and I am forever grateful for user docweasel on ultimate guitar for providing practically her entire discography to me lmao. I also began to listen more to her lyrics because she isn't just a musician, she is a songwriter and a poet. Her lyrics have deeply comforted me and were very cathartic for me. Especially considering the timing at which I came to find her music. There were bad things going on with me and I was also progressing from a child into a teenager. Still to this day she does not cease to comfort me in my dark hours. And it's also because of her that I started playing guitar and stayed with it. Music is such an important part of my life now and I'm so grateful to be able to express my love for music through my instrument. My top 3 albums, although I love them all so much:

1. I'm With Stupid

2. Lost in Space

3. @#%&*! Smilers

I love you Aimee Mann, never change, and I hope to see you live some day and cheer you on like the Queen you are 👑

[mybodyisnotwhole]

The Cure - high up there with Lifelover as one of my all time favourite bands. I grew up with The Cure, hearing them from my parents, but I never really got into them until I actually started to appreciate music more. The few songs that I can remember already listening to a lot were 'The Lovecats', 'Hey You', 'All I Want' and 'A Night Like This'. From there I started to dig deeper into their discography and I realised that I did not know The Cure at all. I spent pretty much an entire year getting to know this band, in there dark and morbid characteristics from albums like 'Seventeen Seconds', 'Faith', 'Pornography' and 'Disintegration' and also their energetic, famous happy-sad characteristics from albums such as 'Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me', 'The Head on The Door', and 'Wish' (which also contains some of the saddest songs I've ever heard for example 'End' which was like the soundtrack to my life at one point. You can tell that's not good from the song title alone lmao.) I also adore their newer material, I have spent countless hours listening to 'Bloodflowers', 'The Cure'(self titled, probs one of my favs btw) and '4:13 Dream'. I love pretty much all their albums but to put it in a top 3, I would say:

1. Disintegration (can't not do it rlly)

2. Pornography

3. Wish

Robert Smith also has just the most gorgeous voice and their songs are always able to make me feel energetic and happy because who wouldn't be happy listening to such beautiful music. I also like to connect The Cure and Lifelover in the way that they create a happy-sad atmosphere. I actually read somewhere in the online equivalent to a dark alleyway or smth that Lifelover were going for that whole mood with their songs and were big Cure fans. So yeah, fucking great band, please release the new album already so I can die in peace.

[mybodyisnotwhole]

Lifelover - its safe to say Lifelover is my all time favourite band. They kind of introduced me to black metal, DSBM, depressive rock, whatever you want to call it. I found them on my discover weekly through the song 'Myspys' and fell in love instantly. I went on to listen to their whole discography of course (unfortunately quite small) and listening to those 5 albums for the first time were some of the absolute best moments of my life. It was like nothing I had ever heard before. I wish I had the vocalbulary to give them justice and describe these feelings exactly. The atmosphere that this band was able to create through their songs is and always will be something of great comfort to me. Every melody is unforgettable. Konkurs is one of the most hauntingly beautiful albums I will ever hear in my lifetime. I have lost sleep staying up to the early hours of the morning just to keep listening to their music and I do not regret it one bit. I needed to. I was sad and lost and I found solace in their music. I would even stay up and plug my headphones into my amp to learn their songs. Playing along to 'Mitt Annexia' at 4am, listening to the sounds of the sea in the confines of my room, not thinking about tomorrow or about loneliness, just focusing on finding the perfect tone to match the song and just being able to play along to this beautiful music. It was ethereal, beautiful, I was content and I was happy. I hope that these musicians know how much they have helped people.

Rest in Peace B, I look up to you greatly though you are no longer with us.

[mybodyisnotwhole]

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment."

[mybodyisnotwhole]

she dreamt she was a bulldozer, she dreamt she was alone in an empty field...

[mybodyisnotwhole]

[mybodyisnotwhole]

me: :(

black metal bands: *unintelligible shrieking*

me: :)