mydeepthoghtz - Tumblr blog

[mydeepthoghtz]

I just had my first big panic attack in a while. I was hyperventilating so bad my face went numb and my eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see straight. I was calming down until I started to think about it again and went back to a numb face. All bc of a lack of sleep and stress. I'm so tired

[mydeepthoghtz]

Honestly this account is kinda a diary, saying things I tell no one completely, hoping that I'm not alone in my feelings and thoughts

[mydeepthoghtz]

I can still remember the pain of someone texting me asking if I was ok and not being ok and then start crying but texting I'm fine. And to help myself to stay honest bc I value honesty so highly, I created an acronym for fine.

Fuck up

Insecure/I'm trying not to cry

Not ok/ not able to talk about it

Emotional

[mydeepthoghtz]

Ever just feel hurt or broken but there's nothing recent to explain it just comes out of the blue? Sometimes I feel like I just feel it to try and get attention but also I don't want to burden anyone so most of the time I tell no one. So maybe that's not it. Idk

[mydeepthoghtz]

Am I the only one that replays my mistakes or embarrassing moments over and over again? Even months to years later

[mydeepthoghtz]

Sometimes when I start to feel pain like mental pain, I turn to music and posts and quotes that make me feel the same pain or more pain. I'm not sure if my pain is fake and I just want to feel pain or if it's just that I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one and I can't put what I'm feeling into the right words and others can. I really hope I'm not one that takes mental pain because it feels real but there's not like a REAL reason for the pain. Idk

[mydeepthoghtz]

How do I not feel like this anymore? I want to be happy again.

[mydeepthoghtz]

I miss someone who hurt me so much and I know doesn't think about me and it just makes i hurt so much more

[mydeepthoghtz]

Ever look at old pictures and see people that you know you used to be so close with and barely recognize them or just don't know they are anymore? And hope so much that they are happy but are also so sad? Bc same

[mydeepthoghtz]

Ever look at old pictures of ppl you used to know that hurt you and genuinely just want the best for them. It's a hard but good feeling ig

[mydeepthoghtz]

Sometimes I feel like my feelings are fake and I'm just being selfish. Ik sometimes I'm too prideful and I'm trying to find more humility but I'm not sure how.

Some ppl have told me that I'm going to go far or they're gonna see be on TV someday and I just say thanks and think how? for what? I wish but also really hope not

[mydeepthoghtz]

I often feel ungrateful and selfish but then when I try to fix it, I feel like a push over who doesn't get what I want or need. I'm never sure which is better

[mydeepthoghtz]

The more I think about it, the more I think I'll never find my forever person

[mydeepthoghtz]

I hope I'm enough

[mydeepthoghtz]

I just want to get back to when I was happy and not feeling some. Or better yet, I want to get to the point where I have ppl, I'm in a serious healthy relationship with someone who loves me for who I am not who they think I am. I want to go on so many adventures but I don't want to do it alone. I want to travel the country and the world with someone I love. I want to adopt kids. I want so many dogs and cats. I hope I'll get there some day

[mydeepthoghtz]

I'm so alone

I feel like I may never find my forever person.

I'm surrounded by ppl but feel so alone.

I feel like I have no one. I haven't been able to find someone that isn't too immature for me at times. I feel like I'm to harsh on ppl. I just want to find a mature person who likes me for me and that I don't feel like I'll hurt by telling them how I really feel.

Idk what is wrong with me.

[mydeepthoghtz]

Broken, overwhelmed and idek

I feel so broken hearted right now from so many directions. I keep on thinking about my ex-girlfriend, even though we only dated for a month and about my girl scout camp which I couldn't go back to this year. But I get to watch some of my friends enjoy it. I kinda just wanna cry like all the time. And I have no time and so many big decisions to make and....