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Diary Entries of a Queen

15.4.24

My eyes open all of a sudden in the dead of the night. I slowly move up in bed and groan. This is the second time this week I wake up in the middle of the night with no reason. I slip out of bed and grab the candle on my bedside. I slightly open my bedroom door and sneak out. The floor feels cold against my bare feet and the air equally chilly. I shiver as I quickly retreat to my night time haven. As I approach the library, my eyes look for the soft glow of a candle among the aisles. Ah! A smile settles on my face as I spot it on the far end and scurry up to the light.

Namsu has his back towards me and he continues to write without a care in the world. His humming echoes against the walls of the abandoned library. I slowly make my way beside him and sit down. I recognize the song he sings as I join along. "What brings here this late my Queen? I thought you promised last time you would try to get some sleep?" he says as we finish singing. "I thought you said you would as well." He turns and smiles, "Ah, looks like we both lied." "Anything new written that I can read?" "Only if you let me read yours." " I don’t have anything written right now." He pushes a paper and pen in front of me. " I can wait." I close my eyes and collect my thoughts. And suddenly I grab the pen and pour my frustration out. He leans into his chair and smiles as he watches me write furiously as if I am scared to miss out a single word. "Poor Queen. You don’t deserve to be put into such messes do you? Still too young..." I write and write. Everything I feel and everything I want to say but never did. Without realizing it, tears spill from my eyes. I suddenly get up from my seat and turn to walk away. "If you don’t talk about how you feel you will keep bottling up your feelings and at one point you will explode." I stop in my track and turn to find Namsu on his feet and facing towards me. "Its better this way." I reply harshly He grabs the papers and walks up to me. He hands me those papers with his writings. "As promised. Read them and think carefully. I wont ask you to promise to sleep tomorrow night but I want you stop looking for me here. This isn't helping you, only making it worse." he says as he walks away. "No don’t...please." I clear my throat and walk up to him. "Thank you." He looks at me. "For everything. Honest."  "You write beautifully. But maybe for once you should write about happier things. I think it would help you and maybe I might get a little less depressed from reading your writings." I laugh lightly. " Maybe you should find a more cheerful night time writing pal." "Cheerful? Haha its hard to find that around here but if you find someone do tell me." His face glows with relief. "Then where can I find you tomorrow? During the day I mean. I want to return a few things." "I might be in the battle plan room as I have a meeting with the general or in the tea room with Princess Teema and Lady Rosita. I promised them some time as I haven't seen them lately." "Well aren't you the most wanted man in this Queendom? Haha." " Oh no that title is for the King." We both laugh amusingly. "So can I get some promised time as well?" He looks at me pointedly. "My Queen you don’t need promised time. You always seem to bump into me without any booking. Like right now." I smile. "You are right.." " Well good night your majesty. I hope you can find some peace." he says as he bows politely. " I can now with your words in my hands." I say as I give a slight curtsy. He turns and walks away. I watch as his shadow disappeared completely just like the whispers of the demons in my head dull down. "Thank you..."

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Diary Entries of a Queen

24.4.24

The sounds of the birds chirping above in the trees that make a wall around the garden. "Guess what he said after I told him no?'' All the ladies of the palace moved closer to Wiki the royal Witch as she continued his story of heartache. " He said he would die without me and sobbed. I didn't think my love spell would work that well ahaha." All the girls applauded with amusement "God! Give me one of those, love." replied Princess Lunetta . "You don’t need one, you already have someone wrapped up your little pinky." said my royal adviser Reva and she winked at the rest. They all giggled. I smiled and drowned my thoughts with their conversation. "My Queen." I turned my head and found Sir Richard bowing in front of me. "Yes Sir? Is everything alright?'' "Um not exactly..His majesty returned and he isn't happy.." oh boy.. "Is he ever happy?" says Princess Betsy from behind. " Shh dear, you know things are hard around here." whispers Princess Teema. "Okay, I will be right there. Thank you." I say as he bows and takes his leave. I turn to face the girls."Ladies..I am so sorry I have to cut this short." "Its okay deary, we know things are quite tough right now," says Teema as she gives me a quick hug. "Ya its totally okay", says Lunetta as the rest nod. " Are we still up for tonight though?" says Princess Helen slowly. "You bet." I say with a smile. They all bow and I curtsy and wave them goodbye. I get on the horse and ride with Sir Richard up to the palace. "So um I’m guessing they weren't coming to a compromise?" I ask him. "Yes my Queen. Or that’s what I think he was saying.." We arrive at the palace gates and quickly walk up to the throne room. "GOD MATHEW! CAN YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT OTHER THAN SING!" My hands freeze as I reached out to open the gates of the room. I turn to Richard and say, "I think you should wait out here." He nods relieved, "Thank you my Queen." I hold back a laugh..God he knows how to scare the hell out of the whole palace. I push open the door and everyone quiets down. I walk up, striding confidently to the throne platform. As I pass, all the men get on their knees but my eyes are focused on the scene in front of me. Mathew on his knees with the king's sword hanging in the air inches away from his neck "AHEM! I thought chopping heads was my job?" He turns his head in my direction. "Queen.." Mathew mumbles I look at Mathew and motion him to get up. He scrambles to his feet, bows and leaves. His majesty puts his sword back and turns to me with a sarcastic smile. "And the Queen arrives after strolling around like everything in this place is fine. WE ARE AT WAR! How can you do nothing about it?" I calmly walk up to him and take a seat on my throne. " Just like you cant, neither can we. Take a seat, you are making a fool out of yourself." The men shuffle out of the throne room. I look at them apologetically. He slumps into his seat and rubs his forehead with frustration. " We are doomed aren’t we?" "We might be but we can find a way to get out here before anything bad happens." "Oh ya run like cowards, great!" "No." I look at him annoyed. "Its called saving everyone's lives because we rule a Queendom full of people." "Kingdom." "Queendom" "Kingdom.Period." "QUEENdom" We glare at each other. "There is a firework show tonight and u are coming." I say as I get up. "WHAT FOR?? FOR US LOOSING THE KINGDOM?" I turn around. "No." I look at him pointedly, "For your birthday genius. U know that comes before right?" "I don’t wanna.." "Be quiet and come. Or I will drag you out of your room with your ear and that would definitely feed your manly image. Oh and work on an apology for today. Especially for Mathew..I cant believe you were gonna behead him" I say as I shake my head. "Alright Alright I get it." "I am leaving then Your Majesty." I bow and stride out of the throne room. Sir Richard looks at me expectantly when I walk out of the doors. I give him a thumbs up and he smiles. Well at least one thing is taken care of...now for the hard part... what should I wear tonight?

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Diary Entries of a Queen

14.7.24

Sighhh The throne room feels cold and abandoned. I shift around on my throne. What was i thinking when i asked for it to be made with stone. The massive double doors open and I suddenly sit up. Its Princess Helen ..probably the only one who comes to see me now. ''Queenie, you should seriously come..you are missing out.'' Yes love i will be there, I am waiting for someone.'' She nods and gives a slight bow. ''Are you going somewhere? Should I alert the knights?'' ''No they are coming here..ha the knights.. they barely come here anymore. No thank you dear, I will be fine. You can leave.'' I close my eyes as I hear the doors shut. Urgh..I swear if he is late one more... ''My Queen..'' ''Right on time your majesty'' I say sarcastically as my mouth twists with annoyance. ''You know how hard it is to get in here with all those lunatics parading the royal square.'' He says as he gets up from his knees. ''So what was it today huh? The window?'' He walks confidently up to his throne, sits down and takes off his hood. He turns his head and smiles amusingly ''How did u know? '' I turn my head away and get up. '' Did you find anything yet?'' ''Tsk tsk..always business talk...You didn't even ask how I was.'' ''If you can sit here and crack jokes then I think you are fine.'' ''I have nothing Queen. Everywhere else is abandoned..so we might have hope..I am trying...What about you? Will i get my report?'' ''About how many maidens missed you?'' I say as I turn my head in his direction. ''Urgh no. Come on.'' ''No one suspects anything King...Spies are running around trying to find out were you went..Everyone else is just pitying my miserable self.. I found one of that fraud's men up in the court room..beat the hell out of him..i locked him up in your bedroom so people wont get suspicious.'' ''Atta girl.'' '' So..how are you gonna get out of here?'' i ask as i walk down the carpet full of dust due the months of neglect. '' Hmm," he says as he follows behind me, "the window? Or..are you ready for another adventure?'' an evil smile forming on his face. I whip my head back and glare at him, '' N.O. You almost got caught thanks to last weeks escapade.'' ''Ahaha that was fun...'' We walk quietly around the throne room, I shiver as I walk away from the throne platform under the sun room. The rest of the room is dead and dark. '' Pity. This place was the life of the palace.'' He says quietly. I turn towards him and pull out the Siyan. '' Wanna go at it? Its been awhile..'' '' What if someone walks in?'' He says as he pulls out his sword. '' So what?'' ''Uh who are you what have you done with the overly concerned Queen?'' I move an lightening speed and knock the sword out of his hands. I raise my eyebrows, "You are about to find out my King." And i get into position "Oh ho you are on, your majesty" he says as he grabs his sword and points it at me. I smile, at least one thing in this miserable place didn't change.

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Diary Entries of a Queen

4.6.24

My reflection looks at me with the same stone face that I look in the mirror with. I grab the lipstick and paint my lips to give my face some color. Things have been tense these days. Almost all those I trust have left. I don’t have much left here. I would just love to get up and leave but I cant..there as still people who need me. The knocking on my door brings me back from my thoughts.I roll my eyes as I get up. If its Sef asking to do something stupid again I will actually behead him this time.I open the door ready to spit out some ungrateful comments but stop. "I blew it." The king looks at me with his face blank. "Oh god..what happened?" I say as i pull him in and shut the door. "I cant stay here anymore. This place is taken over. You have no rule here. Its all a fake. They fought with me on ruler base judgement and now they are gonna take action against me i know it." I feel myself freeze in my spot. "I should go and.." "No. Don’t. They already suspect us. I will leave but you will have to stay here to keep an eye out on things while I find a solution." "Solution?" I ask. My head starts pounding. We cant have one day of peace around here. Right now i wouldn't even mind dealing with Sef. "Yes my Queen. A place where we can go to for safety and take those few left that we can trust." "It that bad huh?" I say as i sit on my bed rubbing my temples. Yeesh He sits next to me and stares up at the ceiling. "Yup." I quickly get up and run to my wardrobe. I pull out a bag and throw in some things. He looks at me confused. "I am not gonna change my gender and hide here as a girl okay." I turn around and raise my eyebrows. "Of course not, you would make a terrible girl. you are hideous." He touched his heart."Ouch." "Well you aren’t leaving empty handed either. These are some robes and clothes that I bought for sneaking around. Oh and before leaving, raid the kitchen or something..I don’t have any food here." "Wait, you would sneak around looking like a guy?? Ah. No wonder I could never find you.." I turn around and throw the bag at him. " Ya and it seems i make a pretty good guy too." I say and i wink. "Oh please." He laughs and gets up We look at each other awkwardly. "Just leave..I hate goodbyes." I say looking away. "This isn't goodbye. I will be back next week for a report okay? Take care of yourself and don’t let your anger get the best of you. Lay low." he says and as he walks towards the door. I follow him as i say," Okay your majesty and i will deny knowing where you went." "Yup and shed a few tears to make it look like you miss me or something." He turns around and smirks. I roll my eyes and smile. He suddenly points at my face. "By the way that color doesn't look good on you at all." I look at him confused but then automatically reach up to my lips.   "See ya Queen." "See ya King..Take care okay? Don’t get into trouble." "i wont." I watch him walk down the hall and leave. There goes another person who had my back. Will I be able to save the both of us by playing dumb? I don’t know...but I will have to find out.

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Diary Entries of a Queen:

10.8.24

Despite the fact that the whole town square was crowded there wasn't a sound coming from anyone. The silence made the air heavy. "So you aren't going to respond to me are you?'' My eyes snap in her direction. I glare at her and stand up taller. " I don’t have any information what so ever so if you can learn to have a little respect we can talk somewhere more diplomatic." I spit out. Her eyes flash with fury. " You think you are so smart huh? Well then i will have take all these people up for account? How about that?" I can feel the hatred bubble in me. "Touch them and you will regret every single breath you take." Her smile is venom as she walks towards me and tilts my head in her direction. " Alright Queen lets chat..in the dungeon." "NOO!" My head snaps back in the direction of the denier but her men grab my arms and pull me towards the carriage. My mind swirls with so many thoughts as i get into the carriage. "Just follow them..Its all you can do right now." I tell myself as I try to form a plan in my head. ..... We never had a dungeon..this place was the storage cell. The king always thought it was a stupid idea to have a bunch of criminals underneath the palace. And I always believed in swift punishments. I look at my muddy dress. Urgh this was a present from Anida and now it is destroyed. I curl up into the corner and her face comes in my mind. "ARGHHHH" I scream in frustration. "If I had the Siyan or Excalibur I would give you what you deserve you crazy dictator!" I lean against the stone walls and shut my eyes as hot tears spill out. "Hey...looking for this?" My eyes snap open at the sound of his voice. "What are you...how did you.." The king stands in front of me with his face bruised but smiling amusingly. "Don’t ask." I collapse in his arms and let it all out. "She..that bi...I cant.." I sob. "Whoa whoa calm down," he says as he bends down and wraps his arms around me, "I’m sorry i left you in their hands but we are leaving now okay? So take this and dry your eyes, we are busting you outta here." I look up at see the Siyan and the Excalibur in his hands. "How.." "You really know how to doubt my skills don’t you?" He looks into my eyes and says " Pull yourself together my Queen. We are gonna show them who they messed with..." "Oh and um i was wondering if I could use the Excalibur. I know I gave it to you but i kinda lost my sword up there in the mayhem." he asks shyly while rubbing his neck. I laugh and wipe my face and take the Siyan. "Of course my King. Lets go kick some butt." He bows and replies, "After you my Queen." "Uhh how are we getting out again?" He strolls up to the door and kicks it open. "The door..duh" and smirks. I bit my lips, " What did.." He quickly grabs my arms and pulls me out. "Are you just gonna stand here till they get you again. COME ONNN"

The both of us run out the hallway littered with the bodies of guards. I smile with amusement. "I really do doubt your skills." He turns around and winks "Always."

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What is love?

Love is..

morning faces

norting laughter

eye smiles

big heart

open heart 

fingers interwind

Love is acceptance 

endurance 

Love is loving every flaw not the beauty 

because everyone can love beauty 

Loving the flaw is love.

MyInBetween

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My Friends

Hello darkness my old friend 

I see youve come here to mend

what you have started 

Despite the fact I despise you

I cant help but welcome you with open arms

Sometimes I feel ingulfed in your presence

I cling to you like I used to cling to happiness

before she betrayed me

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Questions..

Why is it always me?

The first to care

The first to cry

The first to apologise 

Why do I feel so desperate?

Is it only me who feels this way?

What I imagine in mind..

Are you only like this in my mind?

All that love

All that trust

Is it all in my head?

I want to know what you really think of me

Is this even a possibility...

or is this just an unfathomable dream?

MyInBetween.

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~Cheesecake~

After a days effort 

its sits infront of me

the cheesecake,

my time capsule 

My heart races as I cut a thick slice 

Is it everything I hoped for?

I spoon through the juicy layer of strawberry 

the creamy white cheese

and the crumbly crust 

Suddenly I am miles away

on a dining table in a house

that was mine a long time ago

The tangy taste incooperated with 

the sweet and sour of the batter

brings a smile to my face 

Im twelve again, and ive just made my first cheesecake.

MyInBetween

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Inbetween

Close your eyes 

and let us dream

Let us meet in between

Where we can laugh and cry together

Where we can count the stars together

and make wishes for each other

Hold each other tight

Feel each others heart beat

Where we are free to be

who we want to be

MyInBetween

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Thoughts

It hurts to see you

and hear your voice

because it reminds me of the good times

the times when i never had to think twice

before i said something to you

The times when we blindly trusted 

and held each other tight through the storm

It hurts to see you

and hear you voice

because it reminds me of what happened to us

and how it left me in pieces 

But i still see you

because i forgive you

so that you wont be hurt

But for me

this is the most painful part

because it reminds me

of something we will never have again

and that is....trust

MyInBetween

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Escape

I want to go

far away

Away from myself

But how, 

how can the soul leave its burdan.

Burdan?

The body is a burdan.

Pathetic

Bound

Depressed.

MyInBetween

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12:00 am

The night is for us 

When you can hear your thoughts

When you can do nothing

Or do everything 

Drip. Drop.

You can cry

You can scream

You can laugh

No one will care

Only the demons in your mind will

The quiet is unnerving 

and soothing 

at the same time 

MyInBetween

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5:25 pm

The weather is me today,

cloudy

cold

gloomy 

dull

The sun is my heart

The clouds, my surrounding

The rain held back like my tears

I want to leave but also want to stay

So confused 

I dont know what i want,

like this weather

Should it rain?

Or should it shine?

Clouds will always be there

Sometimes white

Sometimes grey

The wind penetrates the body

The sorrow penetrates me

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And there is nothing you can do about it.

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Him.

He stands out from the rest

Even when he is quiet 

or doesnt dress to impress

His eyes seem to glow when they meet mines

A single smile from him could make my blood rush

A slight acknowledgment from him

makes me doubt if I ever were invisible

The sound of his voice makes my hair stand on edge

Too bad Im just ordinary for him

While he is my extraordinaire  

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Future

She watches me from afar

Her cold eyes pierce through me

Her presences is a throbbing pain 

in the back of my head. 

Sometimes she will take a few steps forward

and whisper in my ears 

her breath like ice against my neck

“Im coming, Im near, Everything depends on me.”

Sometimes she will stand so far back

I forget she was even there

But she will never go.

For she is my future and she will always stay

MyInBetween